A Hick, a House, a River, a Pug, a Family, a Really Nasty Old Pickup Truck… life in Smallburg...

I would like to share the view from my front porch, in the first week of September, shortly after we moved into our new home:

Yes, if I sit on the steps of my front porch, I see a hay field.

I live in town.  That is a fact.  Am I okay with this?  Y'know what, I am!  I can see a field and trees.  There's a river close to my house, and it's surrounded by crop fields because it's flood plain, and there can't be any buildings.  To get to our house, you'd have to cross one of two bridges, because of the river on one side and the train track on the other.  It's like an island.  The other end of our street eventually ends up at a dirt road.  This is as country as you can get and still have fast internet.

Best part of all?  My husband shares this home with me.  And our two younguns, one working for a living and getting her business going, the other here on weekends while he's in college.  And the Pug of course.  And a lot of music gear.

It's been a loooong time with him working in the city while we lived on the farm.  We're out of the city.  We are no longer commercial property owners in Toronto and couldn't be happier about that.  He still has to drive in to do recording quite a bit but generally he's working from home.  We have just unloaded a huge amount of stress.

Technically, we live in town.  I have less wide open space - unless I focus on that flood plain field across the road.  But even though the neighbours are closer, this place feels very private.  Our backyard is surrounded by evergreen trees and lilac bushes, but there's enough space that I don't feel crowded.  Well, honestly, even at the farm I could feel a little crowded.  It's a busy farm area and I could see like, nine other barns from the farmyard.  I'm just kinda weird in the way that I don't want my neighbours too close.  It's okay, though.  I see trees when I look out the window.

But the house… wow.  May I brag?  I have to.  I waited six years to get my own house.  I love this house.  Oh my gosh.  I love the high ceilings and the 105-year-old woodwork.  I love all the old-house mysteries.  I am more amused than annoyed at the slant of the kitchen floor.  I love the front porch!  And the back porch!  And the flowerbeds!  I love the cellar with ceilings high enough for my men to stand up straight!  I love the four bedrooms!  I love the little yellow bathroom!  I love the pocket doors downstairs!  I love the super creepy attic with the prohibitively steep narrow stairwell!  I love the front room with the landing and dark stained bannister on the stairwell!  I love the side entrance with the cute 70s panelling with little foxes and deer on it, where I keep my barn clothes.

I just realized that my house has three staircases.  Geez.

It turns out this 1910 house and the much older farmhouse have a few things in common.

The farmhouse has this quirky stairwell and landing combo, where you can walk up a few steps to the landing, then either turn left to go upstairs, or go down the steps on the other side, and you're in the bathroom.  This house has a quirky stairwell and landing combo, where you can walk up a few steps to the landing, then either turn left to go upstairs, or go down the steps on the other side, and you're in the kitchen.

Another commonality would be old plaster walls held together by wallpaper.  The farmhouse has some uniquely bumpy walls.  My house has some obvious lath board under the plaster but I like it.  Half my house has been drywalled.  Which is fine.  There might even be insulation in those rooms.  That would be different.

Here's one more: Neither of these houses were built with heating ducts going to the second floor.  The farmhouse, which is probably older by several decades, gets abused by the north wind all winter and to keep from seeing our breath at night, my parents had baseboard heaters installed in the 70s.  Our new house only has one, in the bathroom.  Luckily, I had 20 years of growing up cold and the kids have survived six years so I think we'll be okay.

Oh, one more thing that the two houses share, which I love: ripply glass windows.  I will not replace them.  I'll get new storm windows on the outside but nobody is going to take away my old windows.

So as you can see, we moved to a different house but it's like it was just waiting for us.  It has so many things that I am familiar and comfortable with.  It has very quickly felt like home!!!

Obviously, moving to a place with streetlights instead of a solitary yard light has been a difficult adjustment.  Not gonna lie.  I used to have a bedroom that faced 20 acres of field.  I loved living at the farm.  I love the farm.  I mean, you've seen the pictures.  It's fantastic.

This was my view from the bedroom window at the farm.  I could see my garden and the field and the road and the other neighbour's field and the other road and then the other field and then the forest and some more field.  That was AWESOME.  

Want to see the view from my windows now?  I'm so lucky.  So, extremely lucky.  

Here I am going down my beautiful staircase to the window...

Oh look.  TREES!!!

Looking out the bathroom window, over the little shed (which will eventually become a legit studio to work in) and what do we see?  MORE TREES!!!

I walk out my back porch, and here's what I see: LOTS OF TREES!  And my extremely run down old Honeybadger of a pickup truck.  

(that is a whole other story by the way.  We'll talk later.  I looooove my truck irrationally and unreasonably, but I'm facing some harsh realities and I think you can guess where this is going.)

So basically, I can forget that I'm in town.  This road is way quieter than the highway in front of the farm.  I only see houses if I look out the front windows.

The biggest difficulty is the fact that my new home is on a town lot and I can't keep my horses in my backyard.  That really sucks.  I'm okay with it because I've decided to be okay with it.  I love my husband more than I love my horses (Don't laugh! It's true!) So I live with him in "town" and go out to the farm every day.  I've had a few days when I haven't been up to it, but I have everything set up so my ol man can zip out to the barn and take care of things.  I love going out to the farm.  And the drive to get there from my house is GORGEOUS.

Here I am, too dizzy and weak to ride, so I'm playing silly little games with my horses.  Copper is so bored, eh?  

Here's a picture of my pony parade.  It's so convenient; I can exercise all three of them at the same time!

Moe is always up for some quality time.  

I seem to need a lot of breaks, sitting on the barn wall, relaxing with my furry friends.  

Dice is always waiting for me.  Every morning.  

I drive to the farm twice a day.  It's a six minute drive.  Seven, if I get the red light at the highway.  There have been a few days when I'm not up to it… I'm feeling much better but I still wear out way too quickly and my balance is wonky.  The thing is, I like being there enough to get in a vehicle and go.  I don't really get that much horse time and I haven't had the energy to saddle up since the move.  It doesn't matter though; I get to see them and talk to them and give them some good pets and hugs and forehead scratches.  They always seem happy to see me.  They are kind of overweight, and Phoenix looks kind of bored, but Copper is way more relaxed and Parker is just his regular adorable cuddly self.  They are my equine therapists.  They do my heart and soul good.

As do the barn cats.  They are always waiting for me to show up -- at the grass beside the lane now, instead of the door of the house -- and I can't get anywhere without carrying a cat.  I have to.  I walk with a purring cat under one arm.

And, believe it or not, my parents are happy to see me!  I often go in after cleaning up the barnyard to chat with my mom.  My ol man acts like I never left - I'll be in the garden and he'll stroll up and start a conversation where we left off the day before.

So what about my dog?  Dobby is happy!  Within a day he'd figured out the difference between "home" and "the farm" and Grandma is really happy to see her "grand-dog".  Yep.  My bigger problem with taking this little country dog into a home in town is that he barks at everything.  Every leaf, every bug, every pedestrian.  I'm not sure if he's hyper vigilant and serious about guarding us, or if this is part of the adjustment process, or maybe he just has some extra barks in him that need to come out???

He got the hang of the smaller property well enough, but after the first week sort of tested his boundaries.  After I chased across two back yards and yelled at him to GIT HOME he has not tested his boundaries.  Poor guy.  He used to have pretty much free run of close the three acres.  Now he's got 50' x 115'.  No wonder he has to check and see how far he can go.  There isn't any fence budget so for the time being he'll have to just behave himself.

We sort of have a recording studio in our house instead of a living room/ dining room.  It's temporary.  Please stop snickering, yes I do know that temporary usually means years but I like having the work right inside the house.  He was gone so much for so long.  Ask me in eight months how I like it and I probably will be very ready to move the studio into a nice little tin shack in the backyard, but right now, this is good.  He's got a 10-step commute from where he makes his coffee to where he works.  It's nice.

So, generally, life is good.  Not perfect, but if life was perfect I'd be very nervously waiting for something terrible to happen and balance it out.  For the last month, I've been puttering around my house, unpacking things, moving things, cleaning things.  Reading and resting. Going out to the farm and taking a minute to soak up the view.  I haven't been writing much, but it'll come around.  It's in me and it'll come out.

Next… Well, I'm truck shopping.  I'm accepting it but I'm not happy about it yet.    This will be like parting with an old friend and we'll discuss it when getting excited about the project.

Know what else is coming up?  MY TENTH BLOGIVERSARY.  Should we have a party?

The concept of DESERVING is one I struggle with.

What do we deserve?  How do we measure that???

Do I deserve to be married to a man I love and who loves me right back?  I'd like to think I do.  But then does a woman who chose a crappy husband deserve what she got?  What if she's a good decent person who made a bad choice.  Did she get what she deserves?  Now how about people who marry for love, and it works, and it's good… but by some cruel twist of fate they can't be together anymore?  What if one of them is the victim of a horrible disease that robs the body and the mind, leaving him unable to communicate?  Who deserves that?  NOBODY.  I wouldn't wish that on a worst enemy let alone a loved one.  What if, god forbid, a spouse dies too soon?  Nobody deserves that.

Do I deserve to live on a beautiful property in the country?  Do I get to be there just because I want to be there?  Because I dreamed of it and wished for it?  Did I work hard enough to end up there?

What if it's not mine?  What if I'm there on borrowed time and have overstayed?  Is that the result of mistakes I made in my adult life, and therefore I don't deserve a permanent home?

How about my children?  What good could I have done, in this life or any other, to deserve two young people that amazing and awesome and wonderful?  And how, when other people have suffered because their children are in jail, or in full time institutionalized care, or missing or gone forever?  My god, I am so lucky, so appreciative and I don't care if I've done anything to deserve them.  I'm just thankful.

It's the same with the family I was born into.  Maybe I didn't deserve them, but I got them, and it's shaped me into who I am.  Blessed again.  All I had to do was enter the world.

Do I deserve the privilege of being Canadian, with good health care and public education, and democracy, and no tanks rolling down my road shooting everything in the way, no bombs going off overhead?

But then, do I deserve a crooked spine and a scattered mind and a fragile constitution?

Do I deserve to be chased for most of my life by a sneaky lurking depression?

Do I deserve horses?  It's not actually a god-given right.

Do I deserve a truck with squishy brakes, a car with rust spots and a broken ventilation fan?

Do I deserve that flashy fancy saddle in the barn, the one that 21 year old me would have gladly gone into debt for?  The one I'll be going into debt for because I ran out of choices and had to make a decision?

(That'll be part 2.)

Maybe we don't deserve anything.  Maybe we can try to work hard and make good choices, but ultimately, we get what we get, and we have to put all our effort into being thankful for whatever we can.  And then deal with it.

I just have to figure out how to deal with it...

"But it FEELS LIKE -40 with the wind chill."

What, like -25 C wasn't cold enough????

The weather reporter is wearing a hat plus a fuzzy hood.

The son's school, which is in town and stays open when the rural buses are cancelled, is shut down.

My daughter isn't in school today because the entire college is shut down.

The highway is closed.

Our road is open but there's not much traffic - and it's slow.

The snow has drifted up to the barn windows.

Yesterday my ol man got the tractor and snowblower into the corral yesterday morning.  He cleared snow away from the manure pile.  By 5:00 the path was drifted over.

I'm not sure where I'm going to dump the manure.  For the last couple years I dug a path or get the snowblower in there.  It's too much this year.  IT HAS BROKEN MY SPIRIT WAHHHHHH.

The water tap in the barn is frozen.

So is my face.  After about five minutes outside my cheeks feel numb.  Or ten minutes.  Two minutes? I don't know.

But.

The electricity still works, so the trough heater is doing its thing, and thankfully the house has power.

I left the horses in the barn this morning, just picked the stalls a little and gave them hay.  The goats are unflustered and the chickens, well, they're chickens.

It's ridiculously beautiful out there.  The field is like a frozen ocean, and the sunlight shifts with every drift of snow.

And as much as I complain, I'm still so happy to not be working in an office right now.

Having way too much fun for a living: A Hick Chic Guide

Start with a couple of friendly gentle horses.  Two works well for me.  Horses that are already spotted and/or speckled are a bonus

Add 2 or 4 youngsters.

And a box of sidewalk chalk and a bucket of water.

"No Speed limit"

Wet the chalk and see what happens.  

"Copper Rocks"

"Speed limit"

"Indian Pony"

This horse will soak up any form of attention he can get.  I looooove this horse.

I'm sure it helps if the adult involved in this is a bit of a child inside.  Yes, I was right in there, rubbing a stick of chalk on the palm of my hand to make historically inaccurate decorations on my little Appaloosa.

Here's a hint if you want to try this at home: sidewalk chalk does wash off with shampoo and a good rinse, but you'll have to scrub like heck. If you have a white horse it might show up for another couple days after bath time!  But hey, they're not going anywhere that they'd be embarrassed by the faded handprints and lightning bolts and hearts and crosses and stars and extra spots!  And the finger paints, which I hear wash out much easier, doesn't come in as many nifty colours.  So there's that.

Can you tell I'm really enjoying my work?

She's baaaack.....

No, not me. Well I am sort of back, since I haven't posted anything in a couple weeks, because the sun started shining, the mud dried up, and people started calling me about riding my horses, resulting in me being outside instead of in the house typing -- and that's all good.  Nope, I mean, Allie Brosh is back, sort of, mostly.  There's a new post up on Hyperbole And A Half.

  It's brilliant.  I don't know if everybody out there will get it, but I do.  I had my own protective exoskeleton, and I've been sick and tired of normal people with reasonable emotions being positive AT ME and I've had a dried up corn moment in my life.  Just go read it, it'll make sense... although if it doesn't make sense, well, I guess you can breathe a sigh of relief that none of this depression crap makes any sense to you.




  http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2013/05/depression-part-two.html


I'm waiting for her book to become a real thing, and I'll wait as long as she needs.

Hey, did I ever tell you that I made a decision to live?  First it was because the active decision to die was too damn difficult and overwhelming.  Then I actually DECIDED that I'm going through with this life thing.  No matter how hard it is or seemingly impossible.  I had to decide it every day, several times a day, for a few years.

Looking back, it was a very good series of decisions.

This is the second year in a row that it's spring and I don't feel horrible.

And guess what?  I've got people in my life who love me.  For real.  That's pretty damn awesome.  

Soon I'll show you how purty my horses looked when I let them out on pasture for the first time last week and also Johnny Depp apparently is actually for real in a cowboy type movie, which will obviously result in me being insane in a very interesting way.  See ya soon, cowpunks.

Things That Change Consistency in Extreme Cold Weather, and How This Complicates My Life

CORN OIL

The horses each get a glug of this stuff with their evening feed.  It slows down on the way out of the jug at the freezing point.  At about -5C it becomes kind of like a yellow cloudy goo.  At -10C it's getting difficult to pour it over the horse feed.  By the time we're at -15C it's like rubber, which in a way is easier, because I just pour it into the cap -- sloooowwwwly --and tap that onto the edge of the feed pan.  Blup.  There ya go.  However then I have to stir it up so the arthritis medication sticks to the feed...


SWEET FEED

It's got molasses mixed into it.  Need I say more?



VITAMIN E OINTMENT

I need this stuff.  My hands are red and raw from the cold. My skin actually splits open like paper cuts in this cold.  So I'd like to rub some Vitamin E on my ravaged skin.  I squeeze the tube, as hard as I can, and a cold clear chunk reluctantly expels forth.  Luckily it warms up faster than I do.




INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH MOISTURIZING CREAM

I guess setting the jar on the windowsill didn't help much, right beside the frosty glass.  The stuff wasn't quite warmed up yet but I slathered it on my rough heels and jammed my socks on.  A few seconds later when every step felt squishy, I closed my eyes and shivered and then headed up to bed.



LIQUID HONEY

There's a bucket of it on the kitchen counter.  I'm not kidding - a plastic bucket with a snap on lid.  Normally you just stick a spoon in there and scoop up a nice amount, spin the spoon to keep it from dripping everywhere, and plop it into your tea.  Today, it's more like molasses.



BUTTER

I don't really see much point in keeping it in a butter dish on the counter at this point.  You have to shave it off with a table knife to spread it on your toast.  Fridge, table, countertop... not much difference.




HORSE MANURE

C'mon, you knew this was coming.  It doesn't squish in this weather.  It freezes to the cement floor of the open shed.  It freezes into oblong balls.  You'll turn an ankle if you step on them the wrong way. They make a THUNK when you fling it into the empty wheelbarrow.  There is one positive aspect to this: it doesn't smell when it's frozen!!


WATER

Well duh.  I have a trough heater, which is a life saver.  I have to skim it with an old pool skimmer every day but at least it's not frozen over.  Just around the edges where the heater can't quite reach.  But if the horses go into their stalls for the night I have to fill a water bucket for each of them.  Then the next day I have to chip out the ice and stray bits of hay.  Here's the thing - when it's this cold I put them in at night (see reference to cement floor in open shed, above) and when it's this cold, those buckets will freeze.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.



LEATHER TACK

Yeah those straps and things get real stiff but you know what?  If my face is going to freeze in twenty minutes, I'm not riding.  Sorry.  I'm just not.



SNOT

My nose runs when the temperature drops. I don't quite understand this.  It's like something inside my head has melted and is dripping out but that makes no sense when it's this cold. Yet there I am, wiping the snot drips off my upper lip.  I've taken to carrying a "hankie" in my pocket.  They're really legit classic hick handkerchiefs: red with a grid of white dots.   But this week, down around -17C,  the snot just freezes before it has a chance to drip.  Convenient, sure, but really just another source of unpleasantness.


MY SON'S WINTER COAT

It crackles.  I don't know what's going on there.  The air is so cold, the coat crackles.





You know why I really shouldn't whine about all of this?  I have horses.  I have to go out and take care of them, even when it's so cold my face goes numb.  Lucky me.  I live in a house.  As opposed to a camper or a tent or a cardboard box.  Even if this drafty old farmhouse struggles to keep any heat inside.  Quit bragging, eh?

That exquisite realization that a band you love has created your New Favourite Record. (And you wonder how they read your mind.)

SOUNDGARDEN DROPPED THEIR NEW ALBUM LAST WEEK.  

I bought it that day.  It's been in the CD player ever since.  I've switched it between cars and played it in the house.  It's been all "King Animal," all the time, for a week.  I'm like a kid with a Disney video.  "Again.  Again.  Again."  Memorizing, hearing something different each time.  Loving it.


I've been so excited about this, I had the release date in the iGadget calendar.  I mean, this is HUGE in my world. Some of their songs are personal anthems of mine.   I've loved this band for twenty years, and they broke up, and I dealt with it because at least they had the sense to call it quits before the suckage set in and I appreciate that!  When they toured last summer, it was like a dream come true.  Then hearing that there would be new music! Could I be so lucky?

Now, when you get that hyped, you have to be prepared for a letdown. What if...!

Well Soundgarden never lets me down.

nme.com

This rocks like I fully expected it to.  It's got all the grit and messed up time signatures and stunning vocals and clever lyrics. It's everything that makes them unique. It's current though; they did not cover Badmotorfinger here, they picked up where they left off, bringing with them over a decade's worth of growth and experience.

As a bonus, the packaging is gorgeous - snow and skulls and sunshine, lilies and frosted leaves and teeth.  Beautiful.  Or maybe I'm weird.  Nah, it's beautiful.

(I'm pretty much stealing these images off the net so in compensation, please go to Josh Graham's website, Suspended In Light.  Fantastic, spooky surreal, worth checking out!)

Here's the thing that is knocking me out about this record: I didn't even know how much I NEEDED it.

(I'm going to copy lyrics out of the booklet without permission so in compensation please go to the official Soundgarden website.) (Order the box set, accidentally get a size small T shirt, and send it to me!)

(Also, I'm not spacing these lines the right way - looks much more cohesive in the booklet. The words and visuals works so well together.)

I'm well into my 40s now and as much as I look around and think this is not where I expected/ planned/ dreamed we would be after two decades of hard work and sacrifice, I remind myself to put it into perspective.

an excerpt from HALFWAY THERE (music & lyrics by Chris Cornell)

And how far 
is halfway there?
I didn't see you 
on the trail
did almost
become good enough?
Should a good life be so hard won?
Is that what our dreams have become?

Have you got a car?
Somewhere to sleep?
Someone who loves you?
Something to eat?
I would say you're doing better than most
though maybe not as well as some


So there we are.

I'm middle aged.  I'm halfway there. So, thank you Chris Cornell for summing it up.




One of the beautiful experiences of music is the way each of us take what we need from it.
Soundgarden's music has always felt wild and dark and rural to me. I'm sure I'm influenced by knowing that they're from the Pacific North West, the land of trees and clouds and plaid.  I love that stuff.  I mean, come on, the video for Rusty Cage involves dogs, forest, an old truck and a shack.  Yep. I can relate.




Here's a verse and chorus from a song that damn near breaks my heart. It's in minor and has all kinds of imagery that reminds me of being lost in the metaphorical spooky forest.

(Ben Shepherd explains.  Sort of.)

TAREE (music by Ben Shepherd, Lyrics by Chris Cornell)

Though I can't put my hands on you
I can feel you now
In the bones and the blood flowing
needles on the ground
In the ether I sail to you
floating on the fumes
Run aground on the shore for you
Simple wreckage

Taree walk out and raise the road
To my tilted shadow
I only know I've made it home
When I drown
in your ghost light




It makes me think how much I miss my husband.  We're apart during the week.  Somehow this song comforts me.







And then there's this, beautiful haunting song that has almost made me weep a couple times, just from the way it reminds me of the fragility and harshness that makes up life and death.  It makes perfect sense that this song grabs me.  I was the kid with a collection of small skulls hidden away in the barn. I've never found them.  Probably got destroyed when the back half of the barn was demolished.  I also have the dried carcass of a hummingbird I pried out from beside the VW emblem in the grille of the car.   Is that weird?  Or sad?  Blackly humourous?  I can't tell.  I just feel.



BONES OF BIRDS (music & lyrics by Chris Cornell)

Time is my friend
Til it ain't and runs out
and that is all that I have
Til it's gone
Try to build a home
Bones of birds
singing in the cold
and fall to earth
Hey, sometimes she won't cry
When the smallest one is drowned
Too weak to survive
Probably... maybe 
Try to look out
through a hole in a bag
circle above
looking down
bird of prey
Try to build a home
bones of birds 
singing in the cold
and fall to earth
Hey, sometimes she won't cry
when the smallest one is drowned
Too weak to survive
probably... maybe.

(Matt Cameron and Chris Cornell discuss the song.)

And then there's this.

Which just flat out rocks.  In a weird time signature.

Things to note about this last commentary video:
-Matt Cameron is wearing a gingham shirt.  Heck I have that same shirt in pink.
-He is not aging.
-The beginning of this video, with the music and the backlit wind machine smoke machine photo shoot?  SWOON.  I am such a loser.  They don't even have their musical instruments and I'm all, "AHMAHGAWD AH LOOOOOVE YOOOOOO" because I am a complete drooling moron when it comes to musicians.
-seriously.  Chris Cornell.
-no really.  Even his speaking voice.  
-honestly, I'm just saying.


I have to stop working on this blog post before I get sucked into a youtube time warp vortex of interviews and live performances and anything else I can find.  My daughter lost a few days like that when Muse dropped their new album in October.  It was all "The 2nd Law" all the time.  She was like a kid with a favourite video.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Because that's what it's like around here with our favourite bands.

They're back and I'm so happy to have them back.

Beastie Boys on the radio all weekend....

Despite not being able to relate at all to them, the Beastie Boys have always appealed to me.  It's partly that my inner brat loves the attitude. But most hip-hop leaves me totally cold.  The posturing and bragging and misogyny and violence are the exact opposite of my own worldview.  The Beastie Boys were different.  Just different.  And they grew from the silliness and raw energy of Licensed To Ill into a serious musical juggernaut, with - surprise! - interesting lyrics!!!!


I do love some clever lyrics.  I have a deep appreciation for the stringing together of words into something special.  Billboard magazine put together a few videos and lyrics celebrating MCA, who passed away on Friday.


Billboard's 10 Awesome Adam Yauch Rhymes


From "Sure Shot"

"I want to say a little something that's long overdue/ The disrespect to women has got to be through/ To all the mothers and sisters and the wives and friends/ I want to offer my love and respect to the end"


Thanks!!

From "Intergalactic"

"Well I got to keep it going keep it going full steam/ Too sweet to be sour too nice to be mean/ On the tough guy style I'm not too keen/ To try to change the world I will plot and scheme"

So positive!  

From "So What'cha Want"

"Well I'm as cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce/ You've got the rhyme and reason but no cause/ Well if you're hot to trot you think you're slicker than grease/ I've got news for you crews you'll be sucking like a leech"

Well I just think that's hilarious.  And yes that would be my inner brat speaking. 

And from a song I didn't even know yet, just from last year, "Make Some Noise"

"Pass me the scalpel, I'll make an incision/ I'll cut off the part of your brain that does the bitching/ Put it in formaldehyde and put it on the shelf/ And you can show it to your friends and say that's my old self"

Wow - that could have been written to me, considering all the adjustments I've made to my thought processes over the years.  And, I'd like to offer this piece of poetic wisdom to lots of other people.  Somebody should put this on a T Shirt.

Thank you Adam Yauch.

Pass it on, people.  Plot and scheme to change the world.

If you keep that horse long enough, he'll either die of old age or you'll have to make The Hard Decision

My Pal Al had to have his sweet old stud horse put down this week.

He'd only had him for about seven years, but it was long enough to become very attached.  But the Old Stud was the kind of horse who was very easy to love.  Most people did not even know that he was a stallion because he was so mellow and well-behaved. *

Pal Al has owned a grand total of three horses in his life.  He's a city boy, and didn't get his first horse until adulthood- basically the opposite of my upbringing.  His first horse (now buried in our backyard, beside the freshly dug grave for the Old Stud**) was a QH gelding who taught him so much.  That horse was the kind that patiently carried his rider to horse shows and trail rides and lessons with trainers.  Now Pal Al has one gelding left, who sadly has not quite bonded with his person.  Which is nobody's fault but just goes to show that sometimes a partnership works and sometimes doesn't.

This guy has had not one but two wonderful relationships with an equine partner.

It doesn't make their passing any easier.

With his first horse, the good ol QH, it was quickly established that this horse was a keeper.  Even after the QH was not being ridden anymore, there was never any question as to this horse's future.  He'd be with his owner for life.

And inevitably, when you keep a horse for the rest of his life, you will be facing his death.

The problem is that horses rarely die of old age anymore.  (***)  When horses were beasts of burden, they didn't live to be old.  They were either worked to death or sent off the the fur farm.  Few people could afford the luxury of keeping a retiree out in the back field.  I don't know what's a worse fate - drop dead on the job, fur farm, or wasting away in a field, ignored.  But these days horses are not tractors and we're allowed to love them and take good care of them and keep them long after they're not useful anymore.  We have great nutrition and vet care.  They live long.  Sometimes they live so long they don't die on their own.  We have to make The Hard Decision and it's the most kind thing we can do.

My first pony was considerate enough to just quietly die in her sleep.  All I had to do was cry my 15 year old heart out.

It does not get easier.  I've had to put a few horses down.  I don't regret it.  I did the right thing.

I have three horses in the corral right now whom I have no intention of selling.  They're all keepers.  I plan to enjoy them thoroughly and give them a good life, work with them, have fun with them, and do all I can to keep them healthy and fit and content.  And I'm well aware that this means saying a final goodbye years down the road.

I'll take it.  I'll face that, if it means I get to live with those horses.  It is absolutely worth it.

Pal Al is grieving and there have been many tears shed out here at the Ol Homestead.  But I keep telling him, that old stallion got another seven years of retirement that he may not have enjoyed, because Pal Al bought him from an auction full of meat buyers.  Lucky horse.

And lucky man for having had the experience of having those horses in his life.






* I do think it's quite possible for a stallion to be well-behaved.  Having testosterone is no excuse for being a jerk.  It's all about what you expect of him, and it's a lot more work keeping a stallion in line but it can be done.  I've seen it.  And this old feller was exceptionally sweet.

** There are two horse graves on this property.  Neither are ours.  I've never buried a horse.  And that's an interesting practical discussion for another day, not today.

*** How do we dispose of horses now compared to the old days?  How are they better off?  Again, another discussion for another day.


***&*&*&^%%^^*****  I am now going to go outside and have some fun with my horses!

Hey, tired of all that extra time you have to ride your horses? Here's a solution: keep them at home with you!

I grew up with ponies in the barnyard, I boarded my horse briefly many years ago, and I've been a long-distance horse owner.  This is the experience gained by a lifetime with horses.  I knew, absolutely, without a doubt, that living with my horses right across the yard would be awesome... and it is... and I knew that I wouldn't necessarily have hours and hours to leisurely ride across the fields, down the gravel roads, and putting in productive hours in the ring, training them into rock-solid teachers for new riders.

I knew it wouldn't go that way.

I knew how much work goes into caring for a large grazing mammal when kept in an environment of barns and fences.  It's especially a lot of work if the standards are high.  Which mine tend to be.  I hate seeing manure all over the ground, and I don't like it when the horses are crusty and dirty.  I hate when hay is wasted, so I go around picking it up and salvaging the good hay from the stuff trampled into the mud.  I sweep aisles.  I probably spend as much, no, more time, cleaning my barn than my house.

The thing is, I technically could spend more time actually riding.  

I could.

I'd have to stop doing things like washing dishes, taking care of paperwork, driving teenagers to band practice.... walking the dog... blogging... writing... putting things in the washing machine, taking them out of the dryer... the occasional shopping trip... You know.  LIFE.

And yeah, horses are life, right?

Seriously, no exaggerating or joking, my horses have been so good for my sanity.  They calm me, they make me feel like the real me.  They bring me joy that can only be surpassed by my family.

Going for a ride is exhilarating, and frustrating, and rewarding.  Even ten minutes in the saddle is worth it.

It's just that, I don't have to ride to enjoy those horses.  Just looking out the window and admiring their beauty makes me feel good about life.  I love to brush them and watch their eyes and lips droop with happiness.  I even like cleaning up after them.

 Even when I'm tired and don't want to go out to the barn for the last time that day, I'm always content to be with the horses.  I love having them in the backyard.  Even if it cuts down on all that riding time.

THE FIRE SWAMP

The bus route takes my kids down this stretch of gravel road, where you could think you're hours away from anything man-made other than the road itself.

There's an interesting valley along there which Annyong has named The Fire Swamp.  (There are no Rodents Of Unusual Size though... I don't think they exist...)

Today after school we HAD TO take a little trip over there to take pictures.  She didn't even have her good camera with her but the light was so incredible she'd settle for iGadget pix. 

 Meanwhile, Bucky made fake wildlife calls and/or singing "the Trollolol Song" (fantastic echo in that forested swampy valley!) and I kept going on and on and on about the happy loud springtime noise made by millions of invisible critters.

A couple of things must be said about this little field trip, and the weather, and us:

This is bizarrely warm for the month of March in Ontario.  We were all wearing shorts and T shirts. I've been sleeping with my bedroom window open for almost a week.  I've had laundry hanging to dry on the wash line for a few days in a row. 

It won't last... we always get one last wet snowfall in April.  Always.  But we've been enjoying a rare early spring heatwave, the warmest I can remember in over twenty years.  

And, I LOVE WHERE I LIVE.  

We were out there for a good twenty minutes, and only one car came through.  And this is rush hour.  I love it, I love it, I love it. 

And while I'm at it, this declaring of truths and observations... my kids are awesome.  

One last thing: Yes, she took every one of these pictures with an iPhone.  Like, allow me to be convinced that she is a magician.  Yeah, the iGadget camera is pretty impressive but it's the eye behind it that counts.  

Blasting the lid off the can of shame and embarrassment that is depression!

Today, Bell Canada is doing their Let's Talk campaign, which is striving to take away the shame and silence that often comes with depression and mental illness.

Clara Hughes is involved for the second year in a row.  You might not be aware of this lady if you're outside of Canada, so just a quick review:  she's a six time Olympic medalist.  Six.  Oh, and they are from both the summer and winter games.  Cycling and speed skating.

She has natural red hair.  She has sparkling green eyes and a big stunning, joyful, honest smile with a cute little gap between her front teeth.  She's obviously got the the body of an Olympian.  And she's been very open about the depression she dealt with after her first Olympic win.

You know, I've been told over and over that exercise is really good for beating depression, so yeah, I was pretty flattened to hear that an elite athlete battled with it too!  Man, what hope do the rest of us have?

Well, I think it's one of those things that doesn't really care who it hits.

In her case, the letdown after reaching that huge goal was devastating.  

We all have our own story.  I think it's so important to share our stories because we are not alone.  We aren't weak.  We feel alone and weak but we're not.

A doctor on TV this week made a very important point: don't ask somebody you suspect is depressed "what's wrong" because how the hell can that be answered?  If I knew what was wrong, I'd do something about it myself!!!!  It's too difficult to pinpoint it, so just ask.  Is there a chance you've got some depression?  Would you consider going to see your doctor?  Can I take you out for a walk?  Want me to buy some groceries for you?

Because the worst thing to do is... nothing.  Someone dealing with this should not be hanging around in that state, and it's next to impossible to get out of it alone.

Never be ashamed to ask for help.  I was.  I probably could have gotten help years earlier, but I put all the effort into "normalizing" and putting on the functional face just to get through a day.  My own family didn't know how bad it was.  I didn't even.

So don't bother trying to be "okay."  I'm a big believer in feeling how you are feeling.  It's what it is.  And here's the thing: it doesn't have to be permanent!

I'll tell you right now how my mental state is:

Pretty okay.

I am sleeping pretty well.  I go to bed early, take at least half an hour to get ready for bed, and read for awhile.  Say goodnight to my kids.  Turn off the light.  Talk to my husband.  Talk to God.  Pat the snoring Pug and close my eyes.

I still don't like waking up but I do it.

I have medication that works.  Yay!

I don't have three naps a week anymore.  Sometimes I can get through a week without a nap at all!

I take care of my horses every day, and I cherish them.  I am actually enjoying the physical work involved!  It's been a long time since I felt that way.  I have killer biceps and you know what, I am kind of proud of my physical strength.

I have the Official Best Pshrink Ever.  I see him ever week or two.  I got an ADHD diagnosis, which is beginning to explain a lot about me. It really helps to talk it all out, sort through anything on my mind, figure out how I can make my life better.  He's there to listen and guide.  And I don't have to tell anybody else what I talk about in that room.

I still believe we should stop saying "Crazy" like it's a bad thing.

I still cry a lot but sometimes it's not from being so deeply sad, but because I feel everything, and it's just the way I am.

To be totally honest, because that's what I'm doing here, I have pretty much drawn my life into a very small focus.  I don't go out much or call people, I don't even blog as much as I used to, but it's not from withdrawing from life -- it's that I am absolutely focussed on my own quality of life and my own family.  It's what I have to do right now.  I believe my kids are better off for it and I feel pretty alright about that.  I hope I make sure my friends know I still love them and I know for sure I'll be the life of the party again!

I laugh vigorously every day and it is fantastic.

So there you go.  Getting hit by mental illness is not something to be ashamed of, it doesn't mean you're weak, it doesn't have to define you, and it doesn't mean you'll be miserable forever.  It'll come and go.  You'll find ways to deal with it and you'll figure out how and when to ask for help.  You're still breathing and you're still talking.

Keep up the good work!

Best And Worst of 2011 - The Annual Hick Chic Awards!

Ladies and Gentlemen, and assorted Bumpkins, Hosers, Chicks, Yokels and Dudes, I present this year's Host of The Hick Chic Awards, Mr James Franco!

I had a very hard time getting this together, because I'm kind of scatterbrained, and busy, and he's, well... he's an actor/ writer/ novelist/ philosopher/ film-maker.  He's very in demand for his hosting services this year.  And, he plays a murderous performance artist (heck, aren't they all?) on TV.  I know this because I share a house with my mother, and she has this show she has to watch every day at 3 pm, and when Franco's on when I'm in the house she calls my attention to the show which I then stop not-watching.  He's very cute.

And as far as hosting big awards shows, I mean, just so laid back and calm.  The man is a tranquillized cucumber.  Coooooool.

So now that I've finally got him awake and upright, let's go.

The first Hick Chic Award goes to Johnny Depp.  What, you were expecting anything else?

BEST JOHNNY DEPP MOVIE I SAW THIS YEAR 

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

I honestly loved it.  Let's face it, the second and third instalments were a little... perplexing.  

Plus this one has a few seconds more Keef involved.  

I dare you to watch this movie and not fall in love just a little bit more with Captain Jack Sparrow.  Or want to be him.  

Charming rogue.

Plus, there's a whole thing with a girl dressed up as Captain Jack, and if you've been hanging around here at Hick Chic for any length of time you might already know how much fun that can be.

BEST JOHNNY DEPP MOVIE I DIDN'T SEE THIS YEAR:

I am really slipping here.  I still haven't seen last year's Johnny movies. I really wanted to see this.  It's the second time he's played Hunter S Thompson, the first being in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, which was a film I found both fascinating and horribly disturbing.  Actually that was one of the movies he isn't playing up his natural sexiness.  He was twitchy and tweaky,  paranoid, drugged, and way outta control.  Bald headed and wearing white knee socks. But, with this taking place in the earlier life, it seems as though Young Hunter was pretty damn sharp.  Either that or Johnny himself is pretty damn sharp.  (Duh.)

Johnny was a fan and friend of Hunter S in real life.  What would it be like for an actor to portray a friend?  

Well anyways I didn't see it and the video store in Smallburg is close apparently due to lack of interest, so... yeah.

MOVIE I WON'T BE SEEING BECAUSE I'LL WEEP ALL THE WAY THROUGH IT AWARD

WAR HORSE

Are you kidding me? I'm all choked up now just thinking about it.  Correct me if I'm wrong but it looks like the young English boy has to give up his beloved horse to the army?  And the man tells the boy he'll bring him back home again? And this horse is such a brave little soldier? And the boy ends up in the war himself and finds his horse?  See?  There are tears in my eyes right  now.

I just wanna run outside and throw my arms around my horses' necks and tell each of them that I would find them if they got drafted into the army (but technically I guess you could say they are Mennonite horses and won't be going to war but still.)  Put a horse in a movie and I will weep.  So I am not going to see this one no no no you can't make me.

THE HICK CHIC FAVOURITE NEW BAND AWARD:

THE SHEEPDOGS!

Just so you are clear on how shallow I am, and how much I do love a hairy musician, I dug these guys before I heard a single note.  I saw a photo of them at the MMVA in June and thought, heck yes, I'd sit on the floor in their basement while they jam.  I've done it before in my past.  Rock on. 

I recently bought their record and it's fun.  Sadly, Jethro isn't totally feeling the love.  It's all a little too rough around the edges for him.  Well, okay.  I'll give him that.  Given what he does for a living, it's almost impossible for him to listen to a DIY recording and find merit in it.  It's his job to make everything sound as good as possible and he can't shut that part of him off.  BUT.  I love these guys.  

They sound their philosophy would be... "have... a good time... all the time." That would be their philosophy.  

It's like blast from the past with lyrics about Facebook invitations.  Fun!  I put on the CD and tap my foot and sing along.  And fondly remember my 1976 Nova with the brown plaid upholstery.  

THE SERIOUSLY DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME AWARD:

Me, with the DIY Detox. 

Don't do this.  

If you are on an antidepressant and you think it's not working, get medical help.  

Clarification: I did have medical help.  I knew this was going to be a bitch, and I chose to go cold knowing that it would be horrible.  I knew how horrible it was just to wean off that ****.  I figured it came down to choosing between four months of weaning off or a month of high intensity hell.   

I chose to rip that sucker off fast.  

I had medical supervision, my pastor, and my family.  I couldn't have done it alone.  

But I'm really glad I'm free of that drug.  

...and speaking of, yeah I'm on a drug it's called CHARLIE SHEEN...

FANTASTIC USE OF WORDS AWARD:

I still don't know if he was seriously cracking up or putting on one hell of a show.  

Tiger Blood.

Adonis DNA.

WINNING.

Total rock star from Mars.

Wow.  Just... wow. 

And speaking of words...

AMAZING BOOK AWARD:

ROOM by Emma Donoghue.

This is a very good book, but it is not a nice book.  It is gripping.  Scary.  Horrifying.  Claustrophic. Hopeful.  Uplifting.  Frustrating.  Angering. Thoughtful.  Shocking.  Difficult.  

I had a physical reaction to this book.  I couldn't sleep for two days and felt slightly ill.  I cried.  I laughed with triumph.  I fell in love with that little kid and cheered him on.  This author has pulled off something so challenging I am in total admiration of her... months later I'm still thinking of a detail that puts another piece of the puzzle into place.  Quite brilliant.  But not a nice book.  

WHEW!  That ended up involving various amounts of weeping and drugs and rocking and wordiness, not necessarily in that order.  

How we doin' here, James?

Well alright then, right back atcha.  Good to see you're still awake and upright.  

THE TOM FRICKEN CRUISE HE DOES ALL HIS OWN STUNTS AWARD:

TOM FRICKEN CRUISE!

Yeah, he's still got it.

We went to see Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol mostly because our son is 15 and looooves when things blow up.  Also because, y'know, Tom Cruise and all that.  I was hesitant.  I did not love MI 3.  It was way violent and made me feel kinda queasy.  I'm pleased to tell you that this movie has a few glimpses of comic relief here and there.  And plenty of badassery. 

As well as lots of gut-shaking suspense.  

Don't go see this if you have a fear of heights.

Our man Tom is now 49 years old, and although he really looks great, let's not kid ourselves, he's proudly showing all of those years.  His crow's feet wrinkles are right there in glorious high definition.  This is not a 22 year old.  Nor should he be.

But he still does his own stunts, right?

What I really enjoyed about this movie is that everything goes wrong.  They constantly have to change the plan as they go and end up on Plan E or Plan F which is comforting to me because that's my life, man!  Also, Tom Fricken Cruise can take a fictional beating and come back running.  

Cool guys might not run from explosions, but sometimes they can get knocked off their feet by one. 

THE YOU MAY TAKE OVER THE WORLD AWARD

Adele.  

Gorgeous voice packed full of more feeling and emotion than most popstars have in a lifetime.  She's so beautiful she knocks me out.  Especially now that we've lost Amy, we need Adele!  

THE "BEST REUNION" AWARD

CO-WINNER OF BEST GIG AWARD

ROCKING MY WORLD AWARD

and

HEIDI'S DREAM COME TRUE AWARD

SOUNDGARDEN

We saw them in London Ontario.  

They were awesome.  

I do not exaggerate - awesome in the true meaning of the word.  Awe inspiring.  

I'd just gotten back to the real world after spending a month in my darkened bedroom. (See: don't try this at home, above.)  I really wasn't feeling quite right yet.  I was a little shaky, pale, and kinda thin.  But  there was no way I was about to miss this.  Jethro bought the tickets while I was still buzzing and shaking.  I told him I would will myself to be well enough to show up.  

Man, Soundgarden is one of my favourite bands of all time!  When they broke up in 1997 - I actually remember driving down the street in our 1992 Dodge Spirit when I heard about the breakup on the radio - I was right bummed out, but I got it.  They quit before it turned lame.  I hated the breakup but I understood and was kinda thankful that they didn't ruin their own greatness.  But when I heard they reformed in 2010... well I guess I didn't totally believe it.  Too good to be true?

Nu-uh.  They were top notch.  

In 2005 we took our kids to their second rock concert.  It was Audioslave.  

I figured I'd never see Soundgarden live.  And Rage Against the Machine had also broken up.  We were loving Audioslave and of course, this was kind of the best of both worlds.  And let me tell you, that Audioslave show was one of the best we've seen.

BUT NOW I HAVE SEEN SOUNDGARDEN LIVE!!!

I have to stop going on about it because I might never stop, it was that big for me.

CO-WINNER OF BEST GIG

WORTH THE EIGHT HOUR DRIVE AWARD

TEENAGE DAUGHTER'S DREAM COME TRUE AWARD

MUSE at Lollapalooza

Annyong, being a seriously giddy Muser, masterminded this road trip to go see her favourite band of all time.  

And they were everything we wanted them to be, expected them to be, and more.  

Jethro was extremely impressed.  And he don't impress easily.  

Did we rock out?  Yeah!!!!  

Annyong and her friend came back from their spot at the front of the stage sweaty, exhausted, and happy.  On the way back to Ontario, they were already planning our next Muse concert. And yes, every day she gives me progress reports via their website as to how that new record's coming along...!

BEST EARWORM AWARD

Foster The People, "Pumped Up Kicks"

It gets in my head, it won't leave, and I don't want it to leave!

We saw them at Lollapalooza too.  Or, at least, we saw them play Their Hit.  From the side of the giant crowd.  Thousands of hands in the air.  All the other kids, with their pumped up kicks.

I was a little alarmed at first that I was bopping alone blissfully to a song with lyrics about running faster than a bullet, but I think I get it.  I used to have delightful nightmares about getting onto the school bus and going on an abusive rampage.  Which is weird because I had friends on that bus but anyways.  Some of us have some pretty violent tendencies buried deeply but we don't act on them.  Music can do it for us!  And in the meantime, give parents opportunities to discuss these things with their teenagers!  

 I give up. I love that song.  

But why'd they have to be so darn cute too?

BEST FAMOUS WEDDING

They seem to really like each other!

WORST FAMOUS WEDDING

Booty Boobsface and that Tall Guy.  Ugh.  

THE CRAP TIMING AWARD

Oprah, for quitting her talk show - and therefore televised book club - a few years short of the day my novel gets published.  

THE STUPIDITY AWARD

That girl who tried to claim that the Jbiebs is the father of her child.  Where do I start?

-that anybody would get past the kid's security team and bodyguards?

-that anybody would get past the kid's MOTHER??????

-that if it's true she'd go to jail for violating a teenager

-that if it's not true she'd go to jail for lying in court

In a way I feel sorry for her.  

Because there's no cure for stupid, is there?

BEST MOVIE AWARD

Wanna learn how to put a story together?  Watch this.

The backstory unfolds as we need it, the characters are so endearing, and the thing we're supposed to be afraid of is scary because we don't get to see it.

THE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS INSTEAD OF JUST GO WITH IT AWARD

Need I say more?  

BEST FARM BOY AWARD

Cameron from Modern Family!

He's the gay guy who grew up on a farm and even though he's stereotypically fem, he can fix anything, throw a ball like a champ, and likes to remind everybody about how he was driving a combine when he was like, ten years old.  

He was really miffed that his father-in-law didn't think he could drive the delivery truck.

Aw, he's so cute and wears such nice shirts!

BEST HAIRCUT

THE DEMISE OF THE NICKELBOB!

Chad looks so much better with short hair.  I know, you're shocked.  Yeah, I like a hairy rockstar.  But his hair was getting silly.  The Nicklebob was not good.  He looks handsome with short hair.

Know what bugs me about Nickelback?  

I find myself rocking out to their music.  I can't help it.  I just can't stop myself.  

Do we still have Franco?

Okay, he's still hanging in.  Good.  

BEST ROCK STAR MEMOIR

But depending on the day, I would give it to this:

APOLOGY FOR NOT FINDING OUT HOW AWESOME YOU ARE SOONER THAN THIS YEAR AWARD

THE BLACK KEYS

I'm so sorry, guys.  I have no excuse.  I saw you perform on TV, I heard a couple songs and thought, "Hmm, cool!"  I read about your greatness on other people's blogs.  I should have gotten on board much sooner than this summer.  

I just want you to know that "Brothers"is not just one of the best albums of the last couple years, but also possibly one of the best, like, ever.  I'm not kidding.  It's so good Jethro commandeered the CD and kept it in his car for about 6 months straight.  And he does not impress easily.  YOU ARE THAT GOOD.

So, Black Keys, I want you to know that we love "El Camino" and promise to go back and catch up on what you've done before.  You're awesome.

THE NOT ENOUGH LOVE AWARD

This pains me.

I'm not loving the new Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I tried. 

Maybe it's not them, maybe it's me.  

Maybe it's that if I look back, my favourite RHCP records involved John Frusciante, and he has bagged off (again) and maybe it's that I'm really a huge John Frusciante fan, and like the Peppers but love them when he's with them.

Also, Anthony.  Oh dear.  Still handsome.  But this look.... I just don't know....

He doesn't look like my Super Hot Imaginary Geography Teacher anymore.

THE JUSTIFYING MY LOVE AWARD

THE SUPREME AWARD OF AWESOMENESS

THE THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS ALBUM AWARD

Have I ever mentioned that I love this man?

I mean, like in a fan kind of way.  I don't actually know him.  I assume I'd probably like him very much. He and I both think Jesus is a rock star.  

"Songbook" is a gorgeous piece of work.  He performed a handful of acoustic concerts in 2011. Please don't ask why I wasn't there.  It got past me.  I must stop living under a rock.  

This record is... perfect. 

He covers "Thank You" by Led Zeppelin.  Okay, please take a second to let this sink into your head.  Chris Cornell, whom I adore, singing a song by Robert Plant, whom I not only adore, but who rewired my brain when I was fifteen.  So I listen to this, favourite singer, favourite singer, and my brain explodes.  

And I had no idea an exploding brain could feel that good. 

He's as gorgeous as ever.  He's grown his hair out again.  Sigh.  That and the Zeppelin.  I'd like to think he really must love me after all, in pretend world, I guess.  

Beautiful man with the brilliant mind and vast talent and stunning, amazing voice.  

It's  a 2011 release but I got it in the first week of 2012.  

I listen to it in the dark and weep tears of happiness.  

Hey man, 2012 is gonna be ALRIGHT!

Thanks for joining me... I must go now and help Franco find the door so he can go home to work on his PhD in philoso-acting.