I went to see that JOHNNY DEPP LONE RANGER TONTO MOVIE

So let's just get this straight right now: You're going to see a movie that Jerry Bruckheimer produced and Gore Verbinski directed.  You are there for explosions and gags, loudness and stunts, huge sprawling set scenery, elaborate costumes.  Don't complain about a lack of realism or historical accuracy or coherent compelling storyline - you've got BRUCKSPLOSIONS!  And in some, Johnny!!!!

There was a plot of some kind.  It involved an introduction (some movie wizardry that aged our boy
Tonto-Johnny to about 113 years old) and then a little hints at backstory, a CRISIS involving A DIRTY UGLY VILLAIN and then a reluctant- buddy-cop-movie kind of thing where our two heroes are thrown together and must learn to...get along?  Work together?  There's a family honour / revenge / death avenging theme, because it's a western and is therefore required.  And there is a love interest subplot, but no sex of course, this is a Disney thing so you're allowed to see multiple bad guys getting shot but no kissing, geez, and there is also a plot twist, helpfully telegraphed halfway in so you totally see it coming and therefore feel pretty smart about your plot predicting abilities!  And oh yeah -- TRAIN STUNTS -- plural, take note, and stuff blows up and burns and there are flames the usual token gunshots, and also HORSE STUNTS... anything I'm forgetting?  Did I mention JOHNNY and HORSE?

Let's explore in pictures. (Which, sadly, I borrowed without permission because I still don't know how the internets work.)

Here's Tonto getting himself into a situation with this ridiculously handsome young do-gooder.  Seriously, I bet if you look up "MOVIE STAR" in the dictionary you find a picture of Armie Hammer. This is a theory that assumes you know what a dictionary is. Also I love this guy's name and wonder if it's a short form for "Armand" in which case his parents were nuts and hilarious.  Armand Hammer.  That's great.  

TRAIN STUNT!

I've been having small groups of young riders for extended summer vacation lessons; we ride in the morning, then spend a couple hours after lunch drawing pictures and laughing at chickens until their parents come get them.  Our rides consist of fun games like mounted scavenger hunts and fake horse shows.  I'm thinking of adding TRAIN STUNTS to my repertoire.  Not sure where I'll build the train track. I haven't even gotten around to building a bridge and gate for my trail obstacles. (And when I say "I" of course I mean Jethro and Bucky.)

 There is the possibility that I could be corrupting these kids though... after settling on their new cowboy names I warned them not to go robbing any trains.  

Back off, Calamity Jane and Crazy Kate!

Our hero Tonto meets up with the real hero, White Horse.  He's not called Silver till the end.  Outlaw Enforcers of the Law don't always have time to name their horses, I guess.  Well it takes time to settle on something suitable.  In any case, Tonto doesn't need to name the horse.  They have a bond that transcends trivial things like names.  

AWWWWWW!!!  

Let's talk about this horse for a second or ten.  Usually there are about four horses to play one.  That makes sense.  Every star needs a stand-in and a trailer to go escape to. Of course the star horse has to go back to his trailer and chill -- only his trailer has better, more healthy refreshments, I'm sure.  

Quick half-assed research on my part tells me that this is a Quarter Horse who's name is Silver in real life.  

Y'know, I don't think I've ever seen a white QH.  The horse in the pic above is somewhat QH shaped, I guess.  (I suspect that's not a gelding though?)  (Not to be looking where I shouldn't or anything.)  In any case, at least one horse was a real character, and the editors did an awesome job of sticking all those great expressions into the right scenes!!

Did I mention Helena Bonham Carter is in this?

I think she's just in it because she's really cool and instantly flashes things up necessarily.  Yes she is shooting an unruly patron of her establishment with her leg.  Is this disturbing?  On several levels.  But Disney has a way of making things seem totally acceptable.  Also, she's Helena Bonham Carter.  So, okay?

There's also a villain named BUTCH CAVENDISH which sounds like the result of a Western Movie Villain Name Generator. 

They went full on ugly for this guy, erasing any doubt in our minds that HE IS BAD.

It turns out that Tonto is nutso craze balls shamanistic outcast obsessive crazy insane.  

And speaking of which:

TRAIN STUNT.

Yet all those train stunts, and the scene that made me guffaw in disbelief was the white horse guzzling down a beer then belching.  GAH.  HORSES CAN'T BURP.  Heck yes, exploding bridge aerial train stunt, but you make a horse burp through the magic of movie wizardry and you have just ruined my suspension of disbelief!!!!!!!! And I remind myself once again that I'm really here for the Brucksplosions.

Well, heck, Tonto said it.  "There is something very wrong with that horse."

Know what else was good/bad in a so unrealistic it had to funny kind of way?

Tonto and the good lawyer turned outlaw ranger in a mask are up to their necks in dirt.  (Wrong headed stereotype?  Pirates didn't really make anybody walk the plank either.  Brucksplosions, people.  Brucksplosions.  Focus.)

That clever white horse comes up to the rescue. 

He cleverly drops one of those carefully draped reins so that his Ranger can grab the rein and get pulled out of the sand.  The horse backs up and pulls him out.  

He's very clearly got a curb bit in his mouth.

I'm sure not everybody in the theatre twitch and writhed with suppressed laughter at this.  A curb bit?  He's going to back up and that rein is going to... I can't even explain the fake science involved to do this because either my brain blocked it out or my eyes were squinted shut from giggling.  

Mind you I'm totally okay with this magical movie horse loping down the roof of a moving train, walking on the roof of a burning barn (although I'm fundamentally opposed to barn fires) and showing up in a tree.  Heck why not.  He's magic!

Here we have a lovely white horse loping through town.  Probably a getaway scene.  By the way, in my mind, when I coax Phoenix into his lazy lumbering lope, we look almost exactly like this!!! 

Notice the horse in this picture is all white.  He's (She's???) so white that the skin around the eyes and nose is pink.  Scroll through the pictures and you'll see that we've got a couple different horses here.  Anyways I think this one is very cute and always looks amused.  

I absolutely LOVE everything about this picture.  Let's count it out:

1. Armie Hammer is wearing a brilliant red suit.  He looks striking and fun and cool but yet playfully formal!  
2. JOHNNY
3. Johnny proves that he is his own man by once again giving a gentle metaphorical middle finger to the unwritten rules of style.  I'll wear a suit... but only with scuffed up boots and a pile of chains around my neck instead of a tie! 
4. That horse.  He's totally clocked into work today.  Yep, press event, photographers, handlers, the talent stands here, I'm cool.  Ten more minutes and it's hay net time.  
5. I appreciate the work that goes into getting a white horse white.  I have a white horse.  I totally lucked out because she has brown legs.  But she still ends up with grass stains all over her rump and withers.  Luckily, she's not a movie star.  
6. One of my favourite hobbies is to imagine horses having human thoughts.  Considering the above point, maybe what this horse is really thinking would go like this: As soon as Hunky and Handsome there are done with me, I'm going home and the first thing I'm gonna do is have a nice roll in the juicy green grass ahhhhhhh....!
7. Nifty bridle there.  

In case you're wondering, and don't mind a spoiler, when our Lone Ranger finally decides on "Silver" as a name for his horse, he tries out his HI YO SILVER, AWAY! thing and dorks it up so hard that the crazy buddy with the dead bird on his head can't deal with it.  

And this goes seamlessly with how I also look in my mind when Copper gets a little fidgety and impatient.  

Cuz y'know, I don't like it when she does that and I am encouraging her not to but she is just so flashy and impressive when she's eager to get moving.  Sometimes I wave my hat around and it causes a lovely flare around the sun.  

Would I recommend this movie?  Yes, if you like horses and villains and heroes and Johnny and things blowing up in imaginative and unlikely ways.  Which I do.  Just promise me you'll laugh when the horse belches and whisper to the person beside you (hopefully someone you know, don't go see this alone, you need a post-viewing discussion partner) that horses can't belch and isn't that funny.  

I'll be over here, trying to figure out how to make a fake train stunt for my trail course...

That exquisite realization that a band you love has created your New Favourite Record. (And you wonder how they read your mind.)

SOUNDGARDEN DROPPED THEIR NEW ALBUM LAST WEEK.  

I bought it that day.  It's been in the CD player ever since.  I've switched it between cars and played it in the house.  It's been all "King Animal," all the time, for a week.  I'm like a kid with a Disney video.  "Again.  Again.  Again."  Memorizing, hearing something different each time.  Loving it.


I've been so excited about this, I had the release date in the iGadget calendar.  I mean, this is HUGE in my world. Some of their songs are personal anthems of mine.   I've loved this band for twenty years, and they broke up, and I dealt with it because at least they had the sense to call it quits before the suckage set in and I appreciate that!  When they toured last summer, it was like a dream come true.  Then hearing that there would be new music! Could I be so lucky?

Now, when you get that hyped, you have to be prepared for a letdown. What if...!

Well Soundgarden never lets me down.

nme.com

This rocks like I fully expected it to.  It's got all the grit and messed up time signatures and stunning vocals and clever lyrics. It's everything that makes them unique. It's current though; they did not cover Badmotorfinger here, they picked up where they left off, bringing with them over a decade's worth of growth and experience.

As a bonus, the packaging is gorgeous - snow and skulls and sunshine, lilies and frosted leaves and teeth.  Beautiful.  Or maybe I'm weird.  Nah, it's beautiful.

(I'm pretty much stealing these images off the net so in compensation, please go to Josh Graham's website, Suspended In Light.  Fantastic, spooky surreal, worth checking out!)

Here's the thing that is knocking me out about this record: I didn't even know how much I NEEDED it.

(I'm going to copy lyrics out of the booklet without permission so in compensation please go to the official Soundgarden website.) (Order the box set, accidentally get a size small T shirt, and send it to me!)

(Also, I'm not spacing these lines the right way - looks much more cohesive in the booklet. The words and visuals works so well together.)

I'm well into my 40s now and as much as I look around and think this is not where I expected/ planned/ dreamed we would be after two decades of hard work and sacrifice, I remind myself to put it into perspective.

an excerpt from HALFWAY THERE (music & lyrics by Chris Cornell)

And how far 
is halfway there?
I didn't see you 
on the trail
did almost
become good enough?
Should a good life be so hard won?
Is that what our dreams have become?

Have you got a car?
Somewhere to sleep?
Someone who loves you?
Something to eat?
I would say you're doing better than most
though maybe not as well as some


So there we are.

I'm middle aged.  I'm halfway there. So, thank you Chris Cornell for summing it up.




One of the beautiful experiences of music is the way each of us take what we need from it.
Soundgarden's music has always felt wild and dark and rural to me. I'm sure I'm influenced by knowing that they're from the Pacific North West, the land of trees and clouds and plaid.  I love that stuff.  I mean, come on, the video for Rusty Cage involves dogs, forest, an old truck and a shack.  Yep. I can relate.




Here's a verse and chorus from a song that damn near breaks my heart. It's in minor and has all kinds of imagery that reminds me of being lost in the metaphorical spooky forest.

(Ben Shepherd explains.  Sort of.)

TAREE (music by Ben Shepherd, Lyrics by Chris Cornell)

Though I can't put my hands on you
I can feel you now
In the bones and the blood flowing
needles on the ground
In the ether I sail to you
floating on the fumes
Run aground on the shore for you
Simple wreckage

Taree walk out and raise the road
To my tilted shadow
I only know I've made it home
When I drown
in your ghost light




It makes me think how much I miss my husband.  We're apart during the week.  Somehow this song comforts me.







And then there's this, beautiful haunting song that has almost made me weep a couple times, just from the way it reminds me of the fragility and harshness that makes up life and death.  It makes perfect sense that this song grabs me.  I was the kid with a collection of small skulls hidden away in the barn. I've never found them.  Probably got destroyed when the back half of the barn was demolished.  I also have the dried carcass of a hummingbird I pried out from beside the VW emblem in the grille of the car.   Is that weird?  Or sad?  Blackly humourous?  I can't tell.  I just feel.



BONES OF BIRDS (music & lyrics by Chris Cornell)

Time is my friend
Til it ain't and runs out
and that is all that I have
Til it's gone
Try to build a home
Bones of birds
singing in the cold
and fall to earth
Hey, sometimes she won't cry
When the smallest one is drowned
Too weak to survive
Probably... maybe 
Try to look out
through a hole in a bag
circle above
looking down
bird of prey
Try to build a home
bones of birds 
singing in the cold
and fall to earth
Hey, sometimes she won't cry
when the smallest one is drowned
Too weak to survive
probably... maybe.

(Matt Cameron and Chris Cornell discuss the song.)

And then there's this.

Which just flat out rocks.  In a weird time signature.

Things to note about this last commentary video:
-Matt Cameron is wearing a gingham shirt.  Heck I have that same shirt in pink.
-He is not aging.
-The beginning of this video, with the music and the backlit wind machine smoke machine photo shoot?  SWOON.  I am such a loser.  They don't even have their musical instruments and I'm all, "AHMAHGAWD AH LOOOOOVE YOOOOOO" because I am a complete drooling moron when it comes to musicians.
-seriously.  Chris Cornell.
-no really.  Even his speaking voice.  
-honestly, I'm just saying.


I have to stop working on this blog post before I get sucked into a youtube time warp vortex of interviews and live performances and anything else I can find.  My daughter lost a few days like that when Muse dropped their new album in October.  It was all "The 2nd Law" all the time.  She was like a kid with a favourite video.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Because that's what it's like around here with our favourite bands.

They're back and I'm so happy to have them back.

THE FIRE SWAMP

The bus route takes my kids down this stretch of gravel road, where you could think you're hours away from anything man-made other than the road itself.

There's an interesting valley along there which Annyong has named The Fire Swamp.  (There are no Rodents Of Unusual Size though... I don't think they exist...)

Today after school we HAD TO take a little trip over there to take pictures.  She didn't even have her good camera with her but the light was so incredible she'd settle for iGadget pix. 

 Meanwhile, Bucky made fake wildlife calls and/or singing "the Trollolol Song" (fantastic echo in that forested swampy valley!) and I kept going on and on and on about the happy loud springtime noise made by millions of invisible critters.

A couple of things must be said about this little field trip, and the weather, and us:

This is bizarrely warm for the month of March in Ontario.  We were all wearing shorts and T shirts. I've been sleeping with my bedroom window open for almost a week.  I've had laundry hanging to dry on the wash line for a few days in a row. 

It won't last... we always get one last wet snowfall in April.  Always.  But we've been enjoying a rare early spring heatwave, the warmest I can remember in over twenty years.  

And, I LOVE WHERE I LIVE.  

We were out there for a good twenty minutes, and only one car came through.  And this is rush hour.  I love it, I love it, I love it. 

And while I'm at it, this declaring of truths and observations... my kids are awesome.  

One last thing: Yes, she took every one of these pictures with an iPhone.  Like, allow me to be convinced that she is a magician.  Yeah, the iGadget camera is pretty impressive but it's the eye behind it that counts.  

Grammy awards, deaths, bankers and barns - AMENDED AND EDITED

I wrote this whole big long post when I was in a slightly miserable messed up mood.  And it showed.  I hated the vibe of it.  Now I'm not a big fan of erasing what's happened or been written about, but I really don't feel like having that reminder of a crap mood hanging around.  So I'm taking it down.  Except for the part about Dave Grohl, because he's awesome.  So here you go.




Good ol Foo Fighters... after they slammed their way through a song, they threw on suit jackets over their Slayer T shirts, called it formal wear, and accepted their award.  Dave Grohl crowed about how they made this album in his garage!  which amused me because I'm sure his garage is, um, not exactly like the one your mom let you and your 14 year old buddies make your noise in.  I love him for getting excited about music made by people, not machines, even though I suspect computers still snuck into the process at some point, because that's how it's down now, sorry... but most of all, I love and respect Dave Grohl for his speech about picking up an instrument and learning how to play it!!!  And for music made with your heart and your mind.


Oh and here's the other brilliant Dave thing which I forgot to mention when I first wrote this post:

At the end of the Foo Fighters acceptance speech, the get-off-the-stage music started.  It was something called "dub-step" which apparently them kids today really dig, except for my kids, who have actual good taste in music.  Yep, I sound like I'm 87 and hate all that newfangled stuff that ain't even music at all dernit!!!

But seriously.  UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ

And what did Good ol Grohl do?

Just as the camera panned away, with the untz untz untz happening, he ran back to the microphone just before the commercial break and yelled, "LONG LIVE ROCK AND ROLLLLL!"

Annyong and I threw our hands up in the air and started into a rousing chorus of DAAAAAAAAVE GRO-OHHHHHHHHLLLLL!





Anyways. I have to get Bucky and Annyong working on getting me that Awards Season Tree they keep threatening to make for me, with the little Grammy and Juno and Oscar ornaments hanging from its golden branches...

Best And Worst of 2011 - The Annual Hick Chic Awards!

Ladies and Gentlemen, and assorted Bumpkins, Hosers, Chicks, Yokels and Dudes, I present this year's Host of The Hick Chic Awards, Mr James Franco!

I had a very hard time getting this together, because I'm kind of scatterbrained, and busy, and he's, well... he's an actor/ writer/ novelist/ philosopher/ film-maker.  He's very in demand for his hosting services this year.  And, he plays a murderous performance artist (heck, aren't they all?) on TV.  I know this because I share a house with my mother, and she has this show she has to watch every day at 3 pm, and when Franco's on when I'm in the house she calls my attention to the show which I then stop not-watching.  He's very cute.

And as far as hosting big awards shows, I mean, just so laid back and calm.  The man is a tranquillized cucumber.  Coooooool.

So now that I've finally got him awake and upright, let's go.

The first Hick Chic Award goes to Johnny Depp.  What, you were expecting anything else?

BEST JOHNNY DEPP MOVIE I SAW THIS YEAR 

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

I honestly loved it.  Let's face it, the second and third instalments were a little... perplexing.  

Plus this one has a few seconds more Keef involved.  

I dare you to watch this movie and not fall in love just a little bit more with Captain Jack Sparrow.  Or want to be him.  

Charming rogue.

Plus, there's a whole thing with a girl dressed up as Captain Jack, and if you've been hanging around here at Hick Chic for any length of time you might already know how much fun that can be.

BEST JOHNNY DEPP MOVIE I DIDN'T SEE THIS YEAR:

I am really slipping here.  I still haven't seen last year's Johnny movies. I really wanted to see this.  It's the second time he's played Hunter S Thompson, the first being in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, which was a film I found both fascinating and horribly disturbing.  Actually that was one of the movies he isn't playing up his natural sexiness.  He was twitchy and tweaky,  paranoid, drugged, and way outta control.  Bald headed and wearing white knee socks. But, with this taking place in the earlier life, it seems as though Young Hunter was pretty damn sharp.  Either that or Johnny himself is pretty damn sharp.  (Duh.)

Johnny was a fan and friend of Hunter S in real life.  What would it be like for an actor to portray a friend?  

Well anyways I didn't see it and the video store in Smallburg is close apparently due to lack of interest, so... yeah.

MOVIE I WON'T BE SEEING BECAUSE I'LL WEEP ALL THE WAY THROUGH IT AWARD

WAR HORSE

Are you kidding me? I'm all choked up now just thinking about it.  Correct me if I'm wrong but it looks like the young English boy has to give up his beloved horse to the army?  And the man tells the boy he'll bring him back home again? And this horse is such a brave little soldier? And the boy ends up in the war himself and finds his horse?  See?  There are tears in my eyes right  now.

I just wanna run outside and throw my arms around my horses' necks and tell each of them that I would find them if they got drafted into the army (but technically I guess you could say they are Mennonite horses and won't be going to war but still.)  Put a horse in a movie and I will weep.  So I am not going to see this one no no no you can't make me.

THE HICK CHIC FAVOURITE NEW BAND AWARD:

THE SHEEPDOGS!

Just so you are clear on how shallow I am, and how much I do love a hairy musician, I dug these guys before I heard a single note.  I saw a photo of them at the MMVA in June and thought, heck yes, I'd sit on the floor in their basement while they jam.  I've done it before in my past.  Rock on. 

I recently bought their record and it's fun.  Sadly, Jethro isn't totally feeling the love.  It's all a little too rough around the edges for him.  Well, okay.  I'll give him that.  Given what he does for a living, it's almost impossible for him to listen to a DIY recording and find merit in it.  It's his job to make everything sound as good as possible and he can't shut that part of him off.  BUT.  I love these guys.  

They sound their philosophy would be... "have... a good time... all the time." That would be their philosophy.  

It's like blast from the past with lyrics about Facebook invitations.  Fun!  I put on the CD and tap my foot and sing along.  And fondly remember my 1976 Nova with the brown plaid upholstery.  

THE SERIOUSLY DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME AWARD:

Me, with the DIY Detox. 

Don't do this.  

If you are on an antidepressant and you think it's not working, get medical help.  

Clarification: I did have medical help.  I knew this was going to be a bitch, and I chose to go cold knowing that it would be horrible.  I knew how horrible it was just to wean off that ****.  I figured it came down to choosing between four months of weaning off or a month of high intensity hell.   

I chose to rip that sucker off fast.  

I had medical supervision, my pastor, and my family.  I couldn't have done it alone.  

But I'm really glad I'm free of that drug.  

...and speaking of, yeah I'm on a drug it's called CHARLIE SHEEN...

FANTASTIC USE OF WORDS AWARD:

I still don't know if he was seriously cracking up or putting on one hell of a show.  

Tiger Blood.

Adonis DNA.

WINNING.

Total rock star from Mars.

Wow.  Just... wow. 

And speaking of words...

AMAZING BOOK AWARD:

ROOM by Emma Donoghue.

This is a very good book, but it is not a nice book.  It is gripping.  Scary.  Horrifying.  Claustrophic. Hopeful.  Uplifting.  Frustrating.  Angering. Thoughtful.  Shocking.  Difficult.  

I had a physical reaction to this book.  I couldn't sleep for two days and felt slightly ill.  I cried.  I laughed with triumph.  I fell in love with that little kid and cheered him on.  This author has pulled off something so challenging I am in total admiration of her... months later I'm still thinking of a detail that puts another piece of the puzzle into place.  Quite brilliant.  But not a nice book.  

WHEW!  That ended up involving various amounts of weeping and drugs and rocking and wordiness, not necessarily in that order.  

How we doin' here, James?

Well alright then, right back atcha.  Good to see you're still awake and upright.  

THE TOM FRICKEN CRUISE HE DOES ALL HIS OWN STUNTS AWARD:

TOM FRICKEN CRUISE!

Yeah, he's still got it.

We went to see Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol mostly because our son is 15 and looooves when things blow up.  Also because, y'know, Tom Cruise and all that.  I was hesitant.  I did not love MI 3.  It was way violent and made me feel kinda queasy.  I'm pleased to tell you that this movie has a few glimpses of comic relief here and there.  And plenty of badassery. 

As well as lots of gut-shaking suspense.  

Don't go see this if you have a fear of heights.

Our man Tom is now 49 years old, and although he really looks great, let's not kid ourselves, he's proudly showing all of those years.  His crow's feet wrinkles are right there in glorious high definition.  This is not a 22 year old.  Nor should he be.

But he still does his own stunts, right?

What I really enjoyed about this movie is that everything goes wrong.  They constantly have to change the plan as they go and end up on Plan E or Plan F which is comforting to me because that's my life, man!  Also, Tom Fricken Cruise can take a fictional beating and come back running.  

Cool guys might not run from explosions, but sometimes they can get knocked off their feet by one. 

THE YOU MAY TAKE OVER THE WORLD AWARD

Adele.  

Gorgeous voice packed full of more feeling and emotion than most popstars have in a lifetime.  She's so beautiful she knocks me out.  Especially now that we've lost Amy, we need Adele!  

THE "BEST REUNION" AWARD

CO-WINNER OF BEST GIG AWARD

ROCKING MY WORLD AWARD

and

HEIDI'S DREAM COME TRUE AWARD

SOUNDGARDEN

We saw them in London Ontario.  

They were awesome.  

I do not exaggerate - awesome in the true meaning of the word.  Awe inspiring.  

I'd just gotten back to the real world after spending a month in my darkened bedroom. (See: don't try this at home, above.)  I really wasn't feeling quite right yet.  I was a little shaky, pale, and kinda thin.  But  there was no way I was about to miss this.  Jethro bought the tickets while I was still buzzing and shaking.  I told him I would will myself to be well enough to show up.  

Man, Soundgarden is one of my favourite bands of all time!  When they broke up in 1997 - I actually remember driving down the street in our 1992 Dodge Spirit when I heard about the breakup on the radio - I was right bummed out, but I got it.  They quit before it turned lame.  I hated the breakup but I understood and was kinda thankful that they didn't ruin their own greatness.  But when I heard they reformed in 2010... well I guess I didn't totally believe it.  Too good to be true?

Nu-uh.  They were top notch.  

In 2005 we took our kids to their second rock concert.  It was Audioslave.  

I figured I'd never see Soundgarden live.  And Rage Against the Machine had also broken up.  We were loving Audioslave and of course, this was kind of the best of both worlds.  And let me tell you, that Audioslave show was one of the best we've seen.

BUT NOW I HAVE SEEN SOUNDGARDEN LIVE!!!

I have to stop going on about it because I might never stop, it was that big for me.

CO-WINNER OF BEST GIG

WORTH THE EIGHT HOUR DRIVE AWARD

TEENAGE DAUGHTER'S DREAM COME TRUE AWARD

MUSE at Lollapalooza

Annyong, being a seriously giddy Muser, masterminded this road trip to go see her favourite band of all time.  

And they were everything we wanted them to be, expected them to be, and more.  

Jethro was extremely impressed.  And he don't impress easily.  

Did we rock out?  Yeah!!!!  

Annyong and her friend came back from their spot at the front of the stage sweaty, exhausted, and happy.  On the way back to Ontario, they were already planning our next Muse concert. And yes, every day she gives me progress reports via their website as to how that new record's coming along...!

BEST EARWORM AWARD

Foster The People, "Pumped Up Kicks"

It gets in my head, it won't leave, and I don't want it to leave!

We saw them at Lollapalooza too.  Or, at least, we saw them play Their Hit.  From the side of the giant crowd.  Thousands of hands in the air.  All the other kids, with their pumped up kicks.

I was a little alarmed at first that I was bopping alone blissfully to a song with lyrics about running faster than a bullet, but I think I get it.  I used to have delightful nightmares about getting onto the school bus and going on an abusive rampage.  Which is weird because I had friends on that bus but anyways.  Some of us have some pretty violent tendencies buried deeply but we don't act on them.  Music can do it for us!  And in the meantime, give parents opportunities to discuss these things with their teenagers!  

 I give up. I love that song.  

But why'd they have to be so darn cute too?

BEST FAMOUS WEDDING

They seem to really like each other!

WORST FAMOUS WEDDING

Booty Boobsface and that Tall Guy.  Ugh.  

THE CRAP TIMING AWARD

Oprah, for quitting her talk show - and therefore televised book club - a few years short of the day my novel gets published.  

THE STUPIDITY AWARD

That girl who tried to claim that the Jbiebs is the father of her child.  Where do I start?

-that anybody would get past the kid's security team and bodyguards?

-that anybody would get past the kid's MOTHER??????

-that if it's true she'd go to jail for violating a teenager

-that if it's not true she'd go to jail for lying in court

In a way I feel sorry for her.  

Because there's no cure for stupid, is there?

BEST MOVIE AWARD

Wanna learn how to put a story together?  Watch this.

The backstory unfolds as we need it, the characters are so endearing, and the thing we're supposed to be afraid of is scary because we don't get to see it.

THE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS INSTEAD OF JUST GO WITH IT AWARD

Need I say more?  

BEST FARM BOY AWARD

Cameron from Modern Family!

He's the gay guy who grew up on a farm and even though he's stereotypically fem, he can fix anything, throw a ball like a champ, and likes to remind everybody about how he was driving a combine when he was like, ten years old.  

He was really miffed that his father-in-law didn't think he could drive the delivery truck.

Aw, he's so cute and wears such nice shirts!

BEST HAIRCUT

THE DEMISE OF THE NICKELBOB!

Chad looks so much better with short hair.  I know, you're shocked.  Yeah, I like a hairy rockstar.  But his hair was getting silly.  The Nicklebob was not good.  He looks handsome with short hair.

Know what bugs me about Nickelback?  

I find myself rocking out to their music.  I can't help it.  I just can't stop myself.  

Do we still have Franco?

Okay, he's still hanging in.  Good.  

BEST ROCK STAR MEMOIR

But depending on the day, I would give it to this:

APOLOGY FOR NOT FINDING OUT HOW AWESOME YOU ARE SOONER THAN THIS YEAR AWARD

THE BLACK KEYS

I'm so sorry, guys.  I have no excuse.  I saw you perform on TV, I heard a couple songs and thought, "Hmm, cool!"  I read about your greatness on other people's blogs.  I should have gotten on board much sooner than this summer.  

I just want you to know that "Brothers"is not just one of the best albums of the last couple years, but also possibly one of the best, like, ever.  I'm not kidding.  It's so good Jethro commandeered the CD and kept it in his car for about 6 months straight.  And he does not impress easily.  YOU ARE THAT GOOD.

So, Black Keys, I want you to know that we love "El Camino" and promise to go back and catch up on what you've done before.  You're awesome.

THE NOT ENOUGH LOVE AWARD

This pains me.

I'm not loving the new Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I tried. 

Maybe it's not them, maybe it's me.  

Maybe it's that if I look back, my favourite RHCP records involved John Frusciante, and he has bagged off (again) and maybe it's that I'm really a huge John Frusciante fan, and like the Peppers but love them when he's with them.

Also, Anthony.  Oh dear.  Still handsome.  But this look.... I just don't know....

He doesn't look like my Super Hot Imaginary Geography Teacher anymore.

THE JUSTIFYING MY LOVE AWARD

THE SUPREME AWARD OF AWESOMENESS

THE THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS ALBUM AWARD

Have I ever mentioned that I love this man?

I mean, like in a fan kind of way.  I don't actually know him.  I assume I'd probably like him very much. He and I both think Jesus is a rock star.  

"Songbook" is a gorgeous piece of work.  He performed a handful of acoustic concerts in 2011. Please don't ask why I wasn't there.  It got past me.  I must stop living under a rock.  

This record is... perfect. 

He covers "Thank You" by Led Zeppelin.  Okay, please take a second to let this sink into your head.  Chris Cornell, whom I adore, singing a song by Robert Plant, whom I not only adore, but who rewired my brain when I was fifteen.  So I listen to this, favourite singer, favourite singer, and my brain explodes.  

And I had no idea an exploding brain could feel that good. 

He's as gorgeous as ever.  He's grown his hair out again.  Sigh.  That and the Zeppelin.  I'd like to think he really must love me after all, in pretend world, I guess.  

Beautiful man with the brilliant mind and vast talent and stunning, amazing voice.  

It's  a 2011 release but I got it in the first week of 2012.  

I listen to it in the dark and weep tears of happiness.  

Hey man, 2012 is gonna be ALRIGHT!

Thanks for joining me... I must go now and help Franco find the door so he can go home to work on his PhD in philoso-acting.