Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Wasn't gonna blog about the American Music Awards, but then Chad Kroeger got a haircut and J Lo showed up, and....

I have to write about this.  I mean, it's bedtime.  I should be turning off the lights.  But it's already Tuesday and if I leave it till tomorrow it's no longer relevant, and I have to write about this.  CHAD KROEGER. HAIRCUT.  This is the kind of news I need to spread!


Honestly I don't even know why this show exists.  It's not the proper Grammys, it's not the wack-job MTV awards.  Two of the big stars there are Canadian and at least one was British.  I think they should go for the all out, stoooopid, ridiculous, I mean totally Gaga-esque showbiz vibe.  Why not?

It's going there already. The show opened with a Nicki Minaj thing involving a robot suit, or something similarly uncomfortable looking.

I think I like this girl.  She's cute and charming, entertaining, and she has great hair!!!!

At some point we were treated to a Bieber thing, and I'm sorry, I sort of tuned out.  I got tired of doing that game we always play in our family, "Is It Live Or Is It Track" and then I got bored, and I have a mild loathing  - okay fine, a strong hatred - of insincere Christmas music, so I folded towels. 

The Band Perry have an odd name.  But I liked their performance.  I'm pretty sure they were actually playing it but I could be wrong.  I'd like to think they were.  

Check out the dude on the right there.  He's debating how low he can hang that bass and still be part of a country band.  I say go for it.

Somewhere after the towel-folding job, Kelly Clarkson did a ragtime/ newsboys/ swing performance while wearing a very snug red dress.  I think she's a monster talent, and I'm so happy that she's not trying to be skinny.  That's why I yelled to Jethro in the other room, "Get out here and watch, Kelly Clarkson is wearing a red booty dress!"  We're big fans of a good backside in this family.  Big bottoms drive us outta our minds.  Kelly looks fantastic.

It's bordering on Jessica Rabbit territory, which actually isn't so bad, mostly because this lady can actually sing.  (If she wasn't singing for real I don't want to know.)

I was getting tired.  I considered packing it in for the night.  Did I really care about the rest of the show?  Nah.


Nickelback came out to present an award.  Just present, not perform.  And holy smokes, I could not believe my eyes.  CHAD CUT HIS HAIR - HE NO LONGER HAS THE NICKELBOB!

(That's him on the far left.  In case you didn't recognize him.)

I love this picture.  They're all making funny faces.  That's great stuff.

Now here's the thing: I've been brewing up a weird love/hate for this band over the years.  I think to myself that I don't really like them, but I should cuz a) they're a rock band, and b) they are small town boys, much like every guy I went to school with, and I can relate.  But then, I hear a song, and find myself rocking' out, and by the time I realize I'm enjoying Nickelback, then I'm like, wait, I'm a rock snob and I can have intelligent conversations about the musical stylings of Rage Against The Machine... I can't like Nickelback!  They only write songs about driving and bad breakups!  I've declared that I don't like them!  But.... I think maybe I kinda do.  

THERE.  I said it, okay???

Anyways, I've been disliking the Nickelbob for some time now and I am sooo happy that it's been shorn.  I'm sure this comes as a surprise to you, faithful blog readers, because we all know I love a scruffy-pretty man with long hair.  I'm weird that way.  But I just did not love the Nickelbob.  

I think he looks good! (But does he look like Chad?  Who the hell does he remind me of???  Is this how he reminds me????)

However, and this is important: I am very concerned about the lack of belt buckle here.  

This is alarming!  No belt buckles??  Noooo!  This is Nickelback - they're supposed to have buckles almost the size of their guitars!  You KNOW I love belt buckles.  What's not to love?  They look awesome and hold your pants up!  (If you're built like me, with lots of caboose and not much of anything else, you need that belt to keep the waistband of your jeans from turning into a backwards kangaroo pouch.  Not good.  Belt it up.)

It just... they just... this doesn't look right.  Maybe busting out the new hair the same day as the belt buckle disappearance is a bit of a shock.  I like the hair.  Lookin' good.  Please wear the belt buckles again.  For me.  I need the inspiration.  

Seriously, who does he look like now with that short hair?  Help me out here, willya?

I was beat.  That squealing over the demise of the Nickelbob wore me out.  I announced that I was going to bed.  Then the TV told me that Jennifer Lopez was coming up and damn, how can I sleep when I know J Lo is going to do... anything??

Wow, she did not disappoint.

Did anybody else fall for it at the beginning when she was all serious and then, the downcast eyes, the pressing her hand to her face like she's holding back the tears... No!  Do not tell me she's gonna weep! 


Ha!  With a grin and a wink her transparent dress flew apart and she was slightly more naked than when she came out on stage.  

J Lo will not be reduced to whimpering!

She will wear an outfit made out of gold tinsel and she will RULE THE WORLD.

Nobody can catch her in her getaway car!  Which she sings in.  If you turn the A/C fan on high enough, it becomes a wind machine, handy for looking fantastic while driving.  And singing.  "Singing."

(Heck I do that all the time.  I call it "60 mph air conditioning" which is a standard feature on 23-yr old pickup trucks.)

But.  She wasn't naked enough yet.  

She's all like, oh yeah?  42 years old, grew two babies at the same time, wearing nothing but a skin-coloured suit and sparkles!  I RULE THE UNIVERSE!  She should develop a slightly evil cackle.  

What really cracked me up was that Jethro and Bucky were both on the couch with their iGadgets and almost missed this.  Of course Jethro had to grumble about the lack of a battery pack on her costume, and how that mic on her face is not the kind of thing you sing into, or something, honestly I sometimes try not to listen to these things because every now and then I actually want to buy into the illusion.  I want to believe that J Lo can do all of these acrobatic fantastic feats while singing exactly like she sounds on the record.  But really, singing?  Who cares.  Who even noticed she was singing?

This is not singing.

This is... well, I'm not sure, really... is this legal in public????  Although Jethro had no objection.  You know, talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em.  That kind of thing.  

But awkward!  Cuz that dude would later do a performance with the ex-Mr-J Lo and whoa, I sure hope it doesn't go this way, I mean, wouldn't that make for some serious jealousy issues?  

Well in the meantime, she got swung around by dancers wearing giant fuzzy stilts.  Look, I know it doesn't make any sense.  Words fail me.  Stilt leg warmers?  Pole legs fringes?  Ridiculous-awesome?


I just don't know what to say about this.  
Except, it knocked me out.
I crept upstairs and fell into my bed.  I no longer cared that there would be more J Lo, some Katy, and a Hasselhoff.  I was worn right out.

I'm lucky I didn't have nightmares about J Lo fronting Nickelback for a song about drinking in the front seat of a Fiat while wearing a sparkly nekkid suit with a giant belt buckle.  

Although that would be interesting... 


annyong said...


Anonymous said...

I loved reading this. Funny. I have to say I love Chad's new haircut, although I still miss the long curls. Not missing the Nickelbob at all...

Anonymous said...


Heidi - just so you know I would sooooo rather read your comments on the music awards show then actually sit through it!!

-way more entertaining!!
-no chance of falling asleep, can't read and sleep, tho I've tried
-I get ALL the IMPORTANT details without having to sit for hours watching stooopid commercials etc while my butt falls asleep and refuses to wake up!!!
-your insight and commentary - there nuff said :)

Heidi the Hick said...

I consider it an important responsibility to report on such cultural events as the demise of the nickelbob.

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