This is us at the Junos, 2015

Friday evening

Saturday

Saturday evening

How do ya like the big man's silvery pinstriped cowboy shirt?  And my $25 "vintage" dress?

Here's me being sassy then laughing about it.

Sunday (telecast)

Here we are on the red carpet!  (You can't even tell how tired I was feeling!  Thanks, make up!)

This is me having my picture taken "with" Alanis.  

Yep, that's our height difference, with me in huge heeled boots...

Official photographer picture, which I will eventually pay for and get it for real without the watermark.  

Y'know, I'm pretty sure that scarf was even when I left the hotel.  Can't take me anywhere.  And yes, I was wearing fuzzy mitts.  I had a toque in my bag too, just in case some idiot decided to take the carpet outdoors.  

It was a fun-stressful weekend.  Jethro didn't win the Juno but we are totally okay with that because any one of those 5 guys could have taken it and we'd have been happy.  We got to hang with our kids (Bucky would rather not have his picture up on this site though, so you'll just have to imagine how cool the kids looked.)  I survived!  It's now Friday, a full week later, and I still have not recovered, but I made it through.  And had a good time.  I did not fall over.  I did not fall asleep in my french fries after the concert.    I didn't go to any parties - I sent my daughter instead.  Turns out she's good at schmoozing too.  The future is bright.  

We got home on Monday to a barnyard full of stink and tumbleweeds of horsehair.  Home sweet home!

How you should advertise a horse to me, and how you should not.

I'm not buying a horse.  But I've been asked by some of my riders about helping them buy a horse in the future, which means I've developed a bad habit of cruising online horse ads.  There's a lot of great stuff out there and even more frustrating stuff.  

Just in case you sell a horse someday, let me make my job a little easier by giving you this complex, specific, possibly inflammatory rant guide  (and hopefully I won't offend or insult anybody with this) on how to advertise a horse.  And how NOT TO.

TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW

-how old is he

-what breed is he, and is he registered? Is he grade?

-how tall is he

-weight?

-what’s he got for training

-what is he good at

-manners

-healthy? sound? 

-temperament - laid back and mellow or full of fire? 

-life experience - where’s he been?  What’s he done?  

-bonus - tell me if he’s an easy keeper.  Tell me if he needs blanketing and four different kinds of supplements.  This could be relevant information for a buyer.  

WHAT I DON'T NEED TO KNOW & WHAT YOU SHOULD NOT DO

*I don't need to know his name.  It’s okay, you can tell me, it’s just that I don’t need to know in order to make my decision about whether or not I’m interested.

(The exception would be in the case of a high dollar show horse.  If you’re including his name, it could be helpful for me if I want to do some research.  I might like to get some information on his show record.) I just get a little dubious when the only information I get is that his name is Cuddles.

*I don't need to know that he likes to be kissed on the nose or stuffed full of treats.  Well that’s nice.  I like to smooch horses.  But it’s not precisely something I’m looking for… I assume if I can handle him without being whacked in the head by his big bony head, he’s smoochable… and he'll get treats if he worked for them.  Maybe. 

-That he’s beautiful.  Well they’re all beautiful.  

*Don't ignore spelling and punctuation.  This is really nitpicky, because it’s a horse ad, not an English essay, but please just put some effort into this.  That guy who trims hooves is a farrier, not a furrier or a terrier.  I wonder if you actually know what you’re talking about.  

I'll forgive a few spelling mistakes but if you appear unable to communicate clearly, I might hesitate to talk to you about this horse. You look clueless.  Don't make me question your intelligence.  

I don’t want to see anything like this:

“Flower is a great horse she loves ppl seh will get right in your face.  She’s sort of broke would make perfect western pleasure horse alos loves to jump will be god at whatever you want to do with her.”

Because I will translate it to this:

“Flower has no manners or sense of personal space and is a bit of a pain.  We strapped a saddle on her back and put someone on and led them around and she didn’t buck so we figure she’s broke.  It was a western saddle so we assume she’d be good at western pleasure. She jumps the fence and gets loose so she’d be a good jumper too.  We don’t bother with checking our spelling or punctuation so we probably haven’t bothered to look at her hooves lately either.  We think we’re smart enough to know that she will be good at whatever you do with her even though we don’t know you.”

Call me harsh, and yes I will apologize for appearing judgmental, but I won’t apologize for being judgmental.  

*Do not tell me how well broke this horse is, how good he is and how much he’s done, how many ribbons he’s won, and then show me pictures of him…. EATING.

*Don’t name off three generation back of every high dollar big name horse on his papers, and then show me a ribsy pencil necked cow hocked horse.  And for sure don’t ask a fortune for him.

*Don’t tell me he’s a descendant of Secretariat.  It’s not that I don’t believe you.  I’m sure Secretariat shows up somewhere on his pedigree.   A lot can go wrong with a breeding program in that many generations.  So it doesn’t matter. It’s nice to know who he is and where he comes from but I’ll make up my own mind about what the result is.  

*Don’t name off all those big winning horses in his pedigree, admit that she doesn’t know a damn thing, and still ask for a show horse price.  

*Don’t write the ad from the horse’s first person point-of-view.  As in, “my name is Scooter and I’m a 5 year old gelding.”  I’m sure you think it’s unique and cute but I find it distracting.

*Don’t write the ad from the horse’s POV and then have him talk about you.  Especially if you refer to yourself as his “Mom.”   As in “Hi I’m Scooter and my Mom says I’m the cutest.”  I can’t consider buying your child.  I can’t get past that.  Sorry.  

*Don’t tell me your life story.

While it’s helpful to know why you’re selling, I don’t need to know details.  Telling me that you don’t have time for this horse is reasonable .  Telling me why you don’t have time now that your husband fell off a roof and you have to drive him to the doctor three times a week, and you have to babysit your third grandchild, and also the dog is almost 15 now and you have to carry him everywhere… Too much information.  You can tell me you’re off to university but I don’t need to know where or what you’re studying.  You can tell me this horse has been outgrown, but I don’t need to know that you gained 100 lbs because you quit smoking.  You can tell me your child outgrew the horse but I don’t need to hear that your kid is spoiled and demanded a 17hh jumper that you can’t afford, that darn brat.  I beg you, please do not tell me in your ad that you're selling the horse because you just had your fourth kid and the baby-daddy is in jail and your other baby-daddies are deadbeats and your welfare check is late or something and money's tight so the horse has to go.  

You can tell me you just don’t like this horse.  Honestly.  It happens.  Just please don’t tell me about people you don’t like while you’re at it.  

Listen, there’s a good chance if I go look at the horse you have for sale, we could end up chatting.  That’s fine.  Just don’t start off that way.  Keep that out of the advertisement.  

*Don't use emotional blackmail

“I’m only selling her if I find the right owner who will love her forever and take good care of her.” 

Well, I’d assume you aren’t planning on selling her to a horrible person who would starve and abuse her, so… statements like this are unnecessary.

“If nobody buys her right away she’ll go to the auction and you know what kind of people buy horses at auction so if you don’t want her to go for horse meat you better buy her this weekend.”

Screw you.  You’re mean.  

*Don’t tell me what I'm allowed to do with her after I buy her.   When you are the seller, and I'm the potential buyer, you can grill me and interrogate me as to what I plan to do with her.  You can ask for references to find out if I’m a good horse owner.  You can even come to my place and inspect my barn.  If you care about her, I will cooperate with you on all of these things.  I’ll even understand if you decide you don’t want me to be her next owner.  (And I think horse buyers would do well to have this mindset.)  HOWEVER.  When you know these things and have taken my money and she’s in my ownership, not yours anymore, you don’t get to say.  If I buy your hunter-jumper and turn her into a western trail horse, that's my choice.  I get it that you want the best for her, and I might welcome you over to see her a couple times.  But don’t you start criticizing what’s going on with her.  You had your chance.  

*Never, ever, tell me I have to be a Natural Horsemanship practitioner or follower, or adhere to any other system of horse training and handling.  I won’t buy a horse that can only be handled using one specific method that will require me to watch videos and attend courses and get certificates.  

*Do not tell me you are looking for a “forever home.”  This might surprise you, because you'd think this is a good request.  Obviously this shows you're a good person who wants the best for the horse.  But think about it... You can’t control my future.  None of us know what circumstances I’ll face.  I will do everything I can to give my animals a good life but not everything is in our control.  What if I break every bone in my body and have to sell all my horses?  Are you going to find out and launch a nasty public hate campaign against me because I said I'd keep that horse forever and I turned around and sold him, which makes me a horrible lying thief?  

(The only way you can do the “forever home” demand is if you are willing to take her back if I can’t keep her.  Otherwise, this is a selfish and annoying requirement.  It makes me think you’re being unrealistic.  If you can’t let go, don’t sell.  Part board her with someone.  Understand that when the horse isn’t yours, you don’t have a part in decision making.)

*Don’t lie to me.

If he cribs, I want to know.  If he bucks, I want to know.  I’ll ask about the situations it happens in and I expect you to tell me.  If he’s colicked, tell me.  I want to know these things.  Some are a deal breaker for me and others aren’t, but I won’t tell you which.  Be honest and tell me what I need to know so I can make up my mind about what I’m willing to work with and what I’m not.  

*Don’t be an idiot.

I don’t expect you to be a professional.  There’s nothing wrong with being a backyard horse owner just for the fun of it.  But please don’t be ignorant of some basic facts.  Don’t tell me your horse is half Persian.  Persian is a cat breed.  I think you might mean Percheron.  But I would rather not guess.  You don’t need to blind me with extensive horse knowledge... just don’t talk like you know what you’re talking about, when you obviously don’t, and then pompously insist that you’re right.  

TAKE PICTURES

I want to know what she looks like. I don't need professional photos, but they do need to be in focus and show the horse well.  

* clean her up

Seriously even if you don’t give her a bath and trim her fetlocks, it’s fine, just please brush her.  Clean the mud off.  I need to see what she actually looks like

* stand her straight.  

If she’s got all four legs going off in every direction I can’t tell what she really looks like.  Are her legs straight?  Is she capable of standing with all four legs under her?  

*position her so I can get a good look. 

I want a profile shot from both sides.  I want a head shot.  I might like to see her from the front and back as well.  

PROVE TO ME IN PICTURES THAT THIS HORSE IS CAPABLE OF SOMETHING.

Anything.  Show me a picture of him tacked up.  

Show me a picture of him with a rider on his back...actually being ridden.  

Show him in different gaits.

Let’s see him at a show or on the trail.

Or, harnessed and being driven.

Or, being led around happily and safely by that little kid.

You can show me a picture of him running free in his field.  I just want to know that he can do more than that.

PICTURES YOU SHOULD NOT USE

*professional portraits, of you dressed up in your non-horse-show clothes, with your perfectly clean horse.  Right now you're probably thinking, "What? But that's professional.  That looks good. What is wrong with that?"  Hey, maybe this would impress some people, and it's not enough to turn me off if I am interested in that horse. But I see that and I feel like you love this horse so much I have no business separating you from the love of your life.  I don't mean that sarcastically! My kid is a photographer so I know what goes into a photo shoot! I find myself feeling sad because obviously if you forked out the dough for such a beautiful picture, which was a personal thing and not meant to be promotion for your show career,  you must be heartbroken about selling him and that just puts a weird vibe on the whole thing for me.  

*your horse out in the field grazing.  It’s ok, it’s nice, but I assume he knows how to eat so that’s not necessary.

*your kid sitting on the horse bareback while the horse has her face in the grass as you hold the end of the lead rope which is about to get stepped on.  While I assume you intend to show me that this horse is totally okay with having a child on her back, and that she’s so cool with it that you don’t mind having the lead rope slack, I don’t like it.  I wonder if the horse is grazing because she’s a real stubborn pain and it was too hard to wrestle her into standing still with her head up, so you gave up and just let her eat.  And I also wonder if the kid sitting bareback was intentional or if you couldn’t be bothered to saddle up or if you even can saddle her up.  If you want a pic of a kid sitting there bareback at least try to make the horse look like she’s in on the project, and give me the impression that the kid is actively involved in the project rather than being a precariously perched prop.

*the rider looks like a total slob. Look, I get it that sometimes you just hop on for a ride and you’re not wearing special riding clothes. I don’t care if you even own special riding clothes. I spend the winter riding in my thermal coveralls!   I’ve gotten on a horse on a hot summer day wearing shorts.  It’s dumb but I’ve done it. You're not going to see pictures of it though.  When you're taking sale ad pictures of your horse, just look yourself over and have a good think.  If your clothes are crusted in manure I feel a little skeeved out.  Possibly not enough to stop me if it's a great horse you're selling.  But wash up a little.  Maybe wear the jacket that doesn't have the ripped parts flapping.  And make sure your clothes aren't distracting me from the horse.   I want to see the horse.  Not boobs or trucker butt.  Which leads me to...  

*the rider is dressed like I'm supposed to look at the rider instead of the horse. 

Look, I'm not a prude.   But when you’re wearing a skimpy top with your ladies barely contained, I wonder...Are you trying a little too hard to make me notice this ad??? I don't care if you're a totally hot young woman who looks awesome in a bikini, please don't include the pic of you trail riding while wearing a bikini top.  I'm going to look at you instead of the horse, because guess what, everybody is.  I once saw an ad with a fantastic horse, all the pictures were very helpful, but I'm not gonna lie...I totally noticed that the rider was a handsome young man with nice biceps under that tight T shirt.  And then the last picture?  Bareback. BOTH OF THEM.  He was shirtless.  I could never go look at that horse because I'd be like, ok, I'm married but I'm not dead, how can I get this dude to take off his shirt when he shows the horse.  What horse?  

*the rider is wearing running shoes

It’s enough to make me stop right there.  That’s right, if you’re riding your horse wearing running shoes I probably don’t want to buy your horse.  I’m way over the top with this peeve but hear me out: this is an issue of legitimacy.  I’m not expecting you to be a professional horse person.  But wear boots.  They’re practical and safe.  If you ride, you better wear boots.  How hard is that?  Most of the time you don’t even have to lace them up and tie them.  If you can slip on your sneakers you can slip on your boots.  So when I see you riding in sneakers, I think you’re not even a part timer. You’re not even trying. Besides it looks dumb.  

*stupid people stunts

Okay, I know what you’re trying to do. Look how bombproof this horse is!  I can stand on his back!!!!  Here’s the deal: I’m not going to do that.  I have no reason to.  I can’t think of one instance where I would need to stand on the saddle, no matter how much I trust my horse.  He might shift one leg and I’m going down, so I’ll just go get a stepladder. When I see the people stunts meant to demonstrate how rock solid this horse is all I see is gimmicks.  I’d like to think you’ve spent so much time with him that he’s up for anything and I figure that’s what you want me to think too, but why are you showing all this impractical stuff?

Everything changes if you show me he can tolerate these shenanigans but can also do something worthwhile.  That’s the difference.  If you have photographic evidence that he can walk, jog, lope, sidepass across a rail, maybe clear a low jump, run a games course, a trail course, ride down the side of the road, pack a little kid around, and THEN show how you can hang off his neck or stand on his back, slide off his rump, wrap him in a tarp, stand on a toolbox, whatever, that’s great!  

BUT.  If you give me six pictures of him standing there with pool noodles tied to his tail, a tarp over his head, you sitting on the ground between his front legs, you taking a nap on the ground under him, you jumping off his butt, and him wearing a hat, I’m not interested.  That’s cute, I guess, but can you ride him?  No? Can he pull a cart?  No?  But I can stand on his back?  Not interested.  

So, recap. Show pictures of the horse. Include pictures of the horse untacked, from different angles.  Set her up nicely so we can see her well.  Include pictures of her doing something useful. Don’t wear sneakers to ride.  (Make me happy please, and never do that.)  Don’t flash your boobs or your butt crack while in the saddle.  Show off the horse, not yourself.  Take pictures of a clean horse.  Think about what you’re presenting.  Give me the information I need to know.  Check your spelling.  Have a clue what you’re talking about. Read your ad and check it for mistakes.  If this animal is worth the price you’re asking, she’s worth the effort you’ll take to present her well.  

And of course, thank you in advance for allowing me to rant a little and potentially making my possible future horse shopping less painful and more enjoyable.  

A Horse Show, from the middle of the ring...

Last weekend, I helped out with the horse show at the local Fall Fair.  For the first time in about fifteen years there were Western classes, and I wanted to do what I could to make it a success.  I admit to selfish motivation; I would love to take a horse there some day, but not this year, but if it goes well there's a better chance those in charge will keep it going, right?

Well, two years ago the fair board cancelled all the light horse shows.  Last year a diminutive woman who grew up in Scotland took it on to bring the hunter-jumper show back, and apparently loved it enough to do it again this year.  She is very brave!  I have huge appreciation for her because she looked around and decided there was a need to represent the Western riders around here.  (Applaud if you're not in a place where you need to be quiet!)


Brave Lady admitted to knowing nothing about Western, which I can deal with because, you know, Scotland.  Although on a side note, she shakes her head at the pussy softy way we ride here.  Arenas?  Sand rings?  Flat surfaces?  I imagine her riding a scruffy thick horse across the highlands in the mist.



Around here, for reasons I've not totally figured out, most of the riding industry is English.  The local tack shop sells probably 80% English tack and the only Western apparel available is (of course, because everybody looks good in them) cowboy boots.  Most stables have a jump course set up in the outdoor sand ring. I'm still working on theories for why this is but I'll blog that later.

So I stepped up and offered my help. I've helped out a little with the local saddle club, which is great but also awful.  I'm constantly doing this:

I'm so glad I don't have a horse here.

I wish I had a horse here.

This was so much fun when I was showing.

This was so much work when I was showing.

I'm bringing a horse next year.

I'm not ever taking my two speckled knuckleheads off the property.

Well, I will.  I'll get up the guts and do it.  It's in the plans.  I just need to beg borrow or rent a trailer get over myself.  Now that I'm a RIDING INSTRUCTOR I have huge fears of getting to a show and my horses, who are damn good at their job in their protected little home, will have a collective brain fart and act like morons and everybody will avert their eyes and whisper about what the hell kind of instructor I could possibly be with that  going on.  So I've got to work through that.

This year, I'm on the other side of the show.



I was put in charge of providing patterns for the Western Horsemanship class and the Trail class.  I went home and spent three days working on it.  I looked over every pattern I kept from my show days. I scoured the internet.  I made up my own.  I ended up bringing two Horsemanship patterns and three Trail patterns.



The thing is, we had no idea what to expect.  Would we get two riders in each class? Or ten?  Kids or adults?  Seasoned competitors with nice horses or first timers?  And I hate to say this because it plays into all the stereotypes that I hate, but would we be getting people who figure if you've got a saddle with a horn and you say yeehaw a lot that you ride Western????


So I found myself at the fairgrounds at 8:00 am, bundled up in my fleece jacket, my purple boots spraying dew as I walked.  Morning has a bit of a damp chill around here in the morning.  Our four Western classes would be due to start no earlier than 1:00, depending on how the hunter-jumper show went, but in the meantime there was a ton of stuff to do.  Paperwork.  Wow.  English horse shows have like, 12 divisions which have 3 classes in each division.  Or something.  I shuffled a lot of paper, when I wasn't weighting it down with anything portable to keep it from blowing away.  There was a lot of running back and forth to the announcer's wagon.  There was a lot of looking for somebody.  A lot of questions to answer.

I was in charge of getting the ring set up and assisting the judge.  I was the Ring Steward.  I did not want to be the Judge.  I go to horse shows and place horses as I watch and I'm usually way wrong, according to the real judge.  Instead, I stood beside our Real Judge, I wrote things down on a clipboard, and I watched for slow gait transitions and sloppy riding.

Pleasantly surprised, folks.  We got about 6 in each of the four classes and nobody sucked rocks at it.  There was no jerking on the bit, no excessive spurring, no yelling, no yeehawing.  No Hi Yo Silvering.  You can do that in movies and on your own time, not at a show, and these riders were all pretty decent.

There wasn't a whole lot of bling and fancy stuff but I don't need that.  I need clean and neat and well behaved, and we got it.  

Isn't that cool?

Y'know what else is cool?  Spectators.  

I was aware of people lined up along the rails to watch.  I felt really good about how Western riding was being represented to the public.  Because let's face it, at a horse show, even a saddle club schooling-type show, most of the spectators are fellow horse people or family members.  At the fair, it's regular people taking their kids for a spin on the ferris wheel.  And let's have a look at these pretty horses on the way.

So hey people, check this out - a horse can go this fast, then stop, then back up, then go a little faster.  

And a horse can walk over a bridge and look, the rider can open and close a gate from horseback!  

Y'know what wasn't easy?

Deciding who gets what.

The final decisions were the judge's, not mine, but she asked my opinion on things.  I was watching for her.  I had to let her know about who blew a lope departure that she might not have seen.  

Holy crap, hard job.  

Like, the guy who was impeccably dressed - but not so blingy as to embarrass himself for being overdressed at a small show - with the stunning QH... he did not place first in Western Pleasure.  His horse's head was just too low.  Level headed, yes, but not down to the knees.  I've seen that look placing first.  We couldn't do it.  He was so collected he looked like he was pressed bent up in the middle and down at both ends.  But darn pretty and the rider was near perfect. 

Or the Tennessee Walking Horses.  They came into the ring and the judge and I both went, "crap, I don't know anything about Walkers.  Are the walking or jogging or gaiting???"

Well, one of them placed second and one placed sixth.  We just went by which one looked like more of a pleasure to ride.  Get it?  That's the class.  

The little Appaloosa that won just trucked along with no fuss.  She and her rider both looked mellow and happy to be there, and did everything right.  

Horsemanship, that was trickier.  Who was the slickest?  Nobody forgot the pattern.  That would have made it easier to place somebody last, haha! We gave it to the QH.  He was much less cranked up and compacted by that time. And his rider remembered the correct free hand position.  

In the command class it came down to who had the nicest flying lead change.  The slick QH got that one.   

Trail.  OH TRAIL CLASS.  This was HAAAARD!!!  

It was the Appy and the QH again.  Her gate was nicer, his sidepass was better.  Her haunch turn was more precise, his backup was slightly straighter.  The judge had to decide how to break that tie!!!

Now I can't even remember why she gave it to the Appy.  

Here's the funny thing - I learned a lesson in objectivity.  I know the little Appaloosa and her rider, because she's my friend "NC" and I've known her for over 20 years, knew that horse when she was a gawky yearling, and have learned so much from that woman it's not even measurable.  Huge respect.  I had to set that aside and be fair when the judge asked my opinion.

And the judge knows the fella with the slick QH.  She knows he's taken that horse to the States for competitions, and that he's ending the summer taking him to some smaller shows to let him relax a little.  

I really liked this judge and I think I'd like to have a few riding lessons with her.  Turns out she's not far from me and I've never met her.  

See, the connections you can make when you actually get up the guts to leave the farm for a day, eh?

And I should mention that in exchange for volunteering my time, Brave Little Woman told me I could put up a banner.  Volunteers and sponsors of classes get to hang banners with their business names on them.  Some guy who runs a graphics company and owes Jethro money made up a nice little vinyl banner with grommets around the edges, perfect for hanging on the chain link fence beside the show ring.  Nice little banner.  EIGHT FEET BY THREE FEET.  Yep, hi folks, that's me.  Mm hmm.  

Weird, I have not usually been an introvert in my life, but seeing your name that big gives the shivers.  

Good thing I was dressed nicely.

I'll need those nice new Wranglers for when I show next year.  Oh wait, I won't be showing, I'll be ring stewarding.  Hmmmmm..... 

2012 HICK CHIC CHRISTMAS BLOG PARTY! AND BONUS END-OF-THE-WORLD PARTY! Also I'm turning 42 YAY PARTY!!!

Well come on in!  Welcome to my imaginary antique magazine quality country estate mansion! You look lovely!  I really like what you're wearing, that's very festive.  The bells are a nice touch.  So let's see what you brought... mmmm.  What is that, guacamole cranberry fruitcake?  Wow!

It's gonna taste like magic.  I just know it.  Come set it over here on the antique table in front of the quaint fireplace beside the original vintage doors.  Also - I dusted.  Yesssss. I did a big tidy-up just before the perfeshnul phertographer got here.  

Blog party food is awesome!! You can pretend to eat deep fried sugar butter if you want - with absolutely no consequences! No calories and it won't do anything to your blood sugar and you can drink as much as you want and still be able to work!  

Speaking of drink....

BLOG NOG!

(we can put a little rum in that, if you want.)

Why thank you very much darling.

Just set your stuff over here - make sure the Pug doesn't get it - or heck why not, go ahead and accidentally on purpose drop some.  That's why we have dogs in our house, not?

Would you like to hang up your woollen socks over here by the other fireplace?   I do think there's something missing here though. This could be improved.  

There we go.  It was all just looking a little too precious.  Things can get serious enough, and sometimes we need a set of antlers with a dorky hat.  

I'd like to think my Uncle Norm would have had a good chuckle over that. 

Oh hey, like my outfit?  I dressed up for you. These are my formal coveralls.  Depending on how things go with this party today, I might be looking really spiffy.  Anybody bring a Bedazzler?  I'll take a pop-rivet gun if that's all you've got.  Grommet punch?  Glue gun and sparkles?  

Yeah, I'm right fancy this year.  As fancy as I can get, what with all the dog hair and horse hair which usually makes up my home decor.  I'm doing a pinecone thing here.  A motif if you want to pull out the fancy words. 

Oh look, more antlers!  

Anybody got a camouflage tablecloth?

The piano is over here, and it sounds fantastic since we can make it sound however we want.  Have you all been practicing your favourite songs?  I'll be performing a rousing rendition of "You're A Mean One, Mr Grinch" once I've had a few more sips of that Blog Nog.

I want to hear your favourite fun Christmas songs - and I'm not talking about the ones you hear over the Muzak while you're out shopping.  I'm pretty sure all you delightful unique personalities know some good stuff.  

Okay, now listen.  This is not just your average Christmas Blog Party.  It's the shortest day of the year. Oh and also it happens to be the Supposed End Of The World.  I don't know about you, but the last three times the world ended, it wasn't all that exciting.  Let's make this interesting.

First of all, I propose we branch out from favourite fun Christmas songs, and throw in a cheerful happy little apocalypse ditty.  

Next challenge - How do you figure the Mayans decided their calendar was done? 

Okay, I'll go first.

"Guys I have to quit working on the calendar or my mom won't let go to the next public sacrifice...." (hands in pockets, dejected slump of shoulders.) (Did Mayans wear clothes with pockets?  Too busy mapping the sky to invent pockets?)

Or here's another one...

"Yeah my dad told me I have to move the llamas.  Today.  He said the next two millennia on the calendar will just have to wait ...It's totally not fair, man!"

Your turn!  

But hang on a second - your Blog Nog is not fancy enough.  Have this. 

All this singing and carousing is very festive, but now... it's time to go hang with the REAL PARTY ANIMALS!

Hello, Handsome Prince!

Hello Little Lady!

Hello Beautiful!

Hello Everybody!!

Ohhhh, Moe!

Your brother must be out working for a living.  

Here's our new friend Carlos.  He just sort of moved in.  I had a few discussions with him about getting along with Larry and Moe, so they've got it just about sorted out now. 

You gotta watch this guy.  He will crawl up your leg to get a cuddle.  I'm pretty sure if he could speak human he'd sound like Antonio Banderas and you could not resist him.  

But do you know who the best critters are to party with?

Are you ready for this?

 Meet our new paying guests!

Ivan. 

Mildred and Beatrice!

Bwahahahaha you are stuck here now!  I'll just bring your Blog Nog out to the barn.  Usually the party ends up in the kitchen.  Obviously that works in places with no barn.  

Hey, did you pour rum into that Blog Nog?  And did you accidentally on purpose dribble some into the goat pen?  Things are getting rowdy!  They're headbutting like punks in a mosh pit!

Uh oh.  Looks like Carlos got into something strong. I think he's done.  

 Okay.  Back into the house with us.  

I've got a fire going in my other, other fireplace, because yes my imaginary mansion does have three fireplaces.  Pull up a chair and take a minute to read.  Bring anything to read to us?  That'd be nice.

Just don't burn the pinecones.  They're part of the fancy decor.  Oh my gosh, we have kindling in our houses for decoration.  Humans are so weird. Also the word FANCY has started to make me internally giggle.

Well so far, it looks like the world hasn't ended, and you know what that means, right?  It means I'm going to have to go plunk down the $83 to renew the licence plate sticker for my truck after all.  Darn birthdays!  Or maybe I'll do what I do every year, which is, "Aw screw it, I'll spend the bucks on gifts for my kids and just not drive the truck until January after we get paid again."

So basically the same old.

Except that this year, I am turning 42 which is the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything.

Huh.  I might get smart this year.



Alright you guys.  All of you -- pass around the deep fried Christmas cookies and whatever else you brought, sing me your songs, and wish all of us a Merry Christmas!!!

Shania Twain, riding a black horse through Las Vegas, wearing a gorgeous outfit and her wavy hair flowing in the breeze....

Damn, I just put another Thing I Would Love To Do on my list.  

CTV aired a W5 episode this weekend called "Vegas Girls."  Basically, Celine and Shania are   holding down the fort in Las Vegas these days, and our Canadian television networks loooove to make a story of it!  I asked my mother to tape it for me because I had to go out to the barn and help my husband move a wall.  When I watched the Shania segment the next day, I rewound it like, five times, because I wanted to see Shania ride.

I am such a riding instructor.  Gawd.  Everything is a critique now. I can hardly watch movies or shows that involve horses.  But hey - pleasantly impressed!  She rides with soft hands - the reins look snug in these pictures, but the horse wasn't resisting or throwing his head.  I might have moved her foot forward a tiny bit, but that's just picky. This is working.  The horse looks alert and interested but not scared or anxious.  She's sitting up nice and straight and her heels are down.  In the video, she sat the jog quietly, balanced and soft.  Nice!

Best of all, she is following Heidi's Most Important Rule of Riding: SMILE!

Why does this make me so happy?  It's not like she's a friend of mine.  But I have three of her albums, and once found myself standing about five feet away from her, much to my surprise (I love showbiz), and I have really been cheering for her to have a good life and regain her beautiful voice. So this is a feel-good story.  

But also, I love seeing anybody riding nicely.  I don't like to see a horse's mouth gaping open trying to get away from a yank on the bit, or a rider getting mad and taking it out on the horse, when usually doing less works better.  Shania is a pretty nice rider.  Yay!!!

She admitted in the W5 interview that she didn't know this horse very well, and wasn't sure how he'd react to the crowd and noise and activity.  She debated how high she should raise her hand to wave at people.  I thought, yep, she knows horses.  Things turned out fine.  In the video, the horse stumbled just slightly at the jog when they started off, but she just relaxed into it, recovered, and got on with it.  I don't think anybody else in the room noticed that until I skipped it back and watched it again.  I think more and more that's an important part of riding, especially since I've been getting back the guts to take my horses out of the riding ring: don't make little things into problems.   

So now, here's where I just drop all my perfectionist perfeshnul silliness and go for the real silliness.  

That horse is like, Barbie's Dream Horse kind of pretty.

I love what she's wearing.  

That's a cool bit.

I forgot how much I liked riding in parades.

OMG she has... such... awesome hair.  

Good thing I moved some junk out of the way before the photo session in the hay mow...

Somebody had to do a photography assignment when she came home from college this weekend.

The Girl With Camera is making good use of the barn on the Ol Homestead.



Now tell me how much you love that coat.

The TelePrompter doesn't lie: The truth about Awards Shows

After any awards show, there will always be a few disgruntled journalists bitching and complaining about how a) lame, b) irrelevant or c) self-indulgent the whole exercise was.  They might also throw in boring, desperate, lightweight, old and frumpy, and whatever description best illustrates how stupid the whole thing is and how the writer, who is obviously way smarter and hipper than you, knows how lame it was and you can take their word for it.

Well, this goes very closely alongside what I've been saying about awards for years: most people think it's pretty dumb until someone they know wins one of those awards.  Then holy smokes, it is the coolest thing in the world and they're going around telling everybody who'll listen that they KNOW somebody who won a (insert name of award here)!!!


The problem is that few of us actually know what goes on, and how the whole system works.  We don't know if we're not in on it.  And do we average people actually care to know?  Most of the time we want to just watch, imagine how fabulous it all is, be wowed by the glamour.  Or, of course, not watch and go on with life, unimpeded by the silliness of it all.

Anyways, Jethro and I did our annual trek to the Juno Awards this past weekend.  You might be wondering why it's Wednesday afternoon and it's taking me this long to write about it.  Well, it's like this... I was partying like/ with/ in the same building as rockstars, and the two of us have a bad habit of not knowing when to quit.  We shut the party down.  Every time.  It's foolish.  But it's what we do.  At some point we look around, mostly sober, and go, "Oh hey... there's only us and five other people left.  Should we turn in for the night?" And by that time, being on Music Biz Time Zone, it's not night anymore.  It's four or five in the morning.  I usually wake up around five or six.  So let's just say, I need some recovery time.

Plus I have to debrief the kids as to who got fed and taken for walks and brushed and cleaned up after.

We figured we just wouldn't go this year, to avoid being parted with some money.  But this is a work trip.  Yeah it's fun, it's way fun, but it's about making and keeping those relationships with people who also make music for a living.

Besides, you'll work yourself to death in the music industry if you're not careful.  Go ahead and throw yourself a giant party once a year.  It's worth it.

So we filled up the tank with diesel, loaded up the back seat with snacks, stuck a few suitcases in the trunk, and went on a road trip.  Totally worth it.  Two albums he worked on won awards, and one of Our Guys (former protege) won the Juno for Engineer of the Year.  We wouldn't have wanted to miss that! In this business, if you're a colleague, there's a good chance you're a friend.  Gotta stick together.  

The televised awards concert is always fun.  I recommend it if you get a chance to get tickets.  You get to see all behind the scenes stuff, like the crew frantically tearing down and setting up stage sets during commercials.  You get to see the guy that pumps up the crowd before going back on the air. You'll probably experience real live Nickelback. We were on the opposite side of the arena and I am not exaggerating, we felt the heat from the pyro.  I had beads of sweat on my forehead.  Nickelback will literally melt your face.

Now here is where I bring this thing around to TelePrompters and bored hipster critics.

From where we were sitting, we weren't just in full view of the main stage.  We could also see the TelePrompter, right there in front of the secondary stage where all the presentations were made.  Names of the person speaking in red, words in white.  Difficult names spelled out phonetically to cut down the chances of mispronunciation.

I could read every word said off the screen.  It was all there.  Everything.  The newspapers and blogs were so quick to heap it on, without stopping to think that those words were carefully scripted last week.

It has to be that way.  It costs truckloads of money to produce a show like this.  Two hours of live broadcast with multiple performers and people running back and forth across the arena and up stairs, all those microphones and amps, all those cameras, directors at the back with a screen for each of those cameras...

You know, I'm a Nobody.  I'm just a chick married to a guy who slaves away in a room with a bunch of switches and dials and knobs and wires.  But I have paid enough attention to figure out that it's pretty darn easy to be critical when you can't be bothered to consider what it's really like in the industry you're ravaging verbally.  I don't expect everybody in general to know or care, but I'd think it'd be prudent for critics to actually know what they're critiquing.

And on that happy note, here are the standouts of the show according to me:

-Hedley.  Always, always, always, solid and awesome.

-Dallas Green aka City and Colour.  Oh my gosh, with just himself, a guitar and a pedal, he brings the house down.  I almost wept, he was so... stunning.

-Nickelback -- first act of the night, full of pyro and big fat power chords and yell-vocals freakin' fireworks.  (Even if you don't like them, you gotta hand it to them.)

-Feist.  She plays guitar, she sings, she's cool.  What more you want?

-Blue Rodeo.  Just because they are.

-Deadmau5, who closed the show.  It's not just because my favourite kind of mouse is a dead mouse.  It's not just that he wore his party mouse head.  It's not just because Lights sang (live, I add).  I don't get why I like what he does.  I don't even think I'd be able to pick something out and go, hey that's Deadmau5.  I just dug it right then and there and it was crazy fun stuff.

-Jian Ghomeshi is brilliant.  (look up his radio show on Youtube - he's interviewed all kinds of interesting people. Including Kermit the Frog.  Be sure to catch the Billy Bob meltdown.  Dude handled it!)

I like the Juno Awards.

Also... Bill Shatner collaborations anybody?  Nickelshat?  Oh yes.  Please yes.