Monday, May 23, 2011

The world didn't end! Great! On with previously scheduled barn chores, pirates and rock stars. As usual.

WARNING: This blog post contains regular digressions and subject changes which may be unsuitable for some.  This blog post will include pirates, legal drugs, and Beyonce.  Reader discretion is advised.

I'm feeling wretched these days due to a medication adjustment.  Why is it that the drugs meant to make one feel better can make one feel slightly better yet also not quite right, and which will certainly make one feel ABSOLUTELY AWFUL during withdrawal?  I don't want to move, just in case the persistent low grade nausea turns into something urgent  If I hold real still the dizzies won't git me.

There is one upside to this situation. I can hold real still with a Mac in my lap.  WRITING.  And this is very, very good.  I feel super guilty about the work I'm not doing.  But I can give the brain-movies more attention.  I have like, two novels and a Hick Chic Guide on the go.  ADHD anybody?

Damn anti-depressants.  Can't live with em, can't be a rational human being without em.  Oh well.

Here's something else that makes my life bearable: I have teenagers!  Man I'm telling you, teenagers can be so helpful and useful!  They can be trained (if started early enough) to do various household chores like laundry, cooking (yay!) floor sweeping, and sometimes, putting away of stuff.  They can also carry out barn chores, which is wonderful.  They can operate the big lawn mower.  Best of all, they can be taught to drive!  Yes, I have MY OWN DRIVER!

My girl Annyong (Hello!  Annyong!  Hello!) took me out on Friday evening.  We ate ice cream cones while sitting on the wheel humps in the truck box.  While talking to two teenage boys.  It was like history repeating itself and was fun but strange.  (Do othermothers eat ice cream cones in the truck box with teenage daughter and boys she goes to school with????)  Then she drove me to the movies.  Actually before that she drove me all over town, put gas in the truck, and parked it in several locations.  Good little country girl.

We had to go see our beloved Captain Jack.  See what kind of trouble he's causing now.

Oh Jack.  You ARE trouble.

So was it good?  Pffft yeah!  You know I'm not gonna hate it.  The kid and I laughed all the way through it.  We cheered when Blackbeard showed up with his beard all lit up and smoking.

We squealed when Cap'n Jack got a talking to from his ol' man!  

We whispered to each other about the awesomeness of the unstoppable Captain Barbossa.

Also I have two words for you: KILLER MERMAIDS.

Vicious eh?

So that was fun.  We stuck around for the credits like we do.  Did you know this story is loosely based on a novel of the same title by Tim Powers?  Years ago I read another of his novels called The Stress Of Her Regard.  Freaky heavy.  Blew my brain.  Let's hear if for novels.  Yaaaay!

On Saturday I totally forgot about the whole world-ending thing.  Not that I was worried.  I figure if/ when Jesus wants me he'll come get me.

When he's darn good and ready.

Not when I am.

Have I mentioned The Corral Project?   We got some rain, which drained nicely through the gravel, followed by a good solid day of sunshine to dry everything.  Sunshine has been rare this year.

Just a couple squishy spots left, but that's understandable considering the weather.  My ol' man's lived here all his 68 years and says he's never seen it this wet.

I'll be describing in great detail the whole story of this Project.  I'm thinking a whole series of posts.  Those of you who are thinking about what your horses are walking around on will want to be in on this. I hope you like dirt.  I like dirt.

For the rest of you, how about some Beyonce?

(I got these pictures from Go Fug Yourself)

The Billboard awards happened last night.  Beyonce got some kind of Best Everything Of The Millennium award, and who can argue?

I mean, she's the girl from your high school that you would have, could have, should have hated because besides being drop dead naturally gorgeous, she's also super ripped fit, she can dance, she can act, she sings like an angel, as well as sings like the devil when she needs to,

she's totally sexy without being skanky, and she's smart.  She's no dummy.  Hate her yet?

Well you can't because she's also a cool chick.  She's actually kinda nice.  But not too nice.  Just nasty enough to be fun and get the dirty jokes, but probably wouldn't tell them because she doesn't use swear words.  So you can't hate on the girl out of jealousy, because she's not using all her talent and skill to make you feel like crap in comparison.  She just IS.

Also she works her ass off so you can't even chalk it up to luck.  See?  Unhateable.

After her performance, which had something to do with women running the world,  I said, "Wow.  I feel so empowered."  Jethro said, "Yeah, I feel... something...  too."

The rest of the show was weird but we made ourselves sit through it.  Annyong and I missed the first twenty minutes, which Jethro said was the best EVER because Britney and Rhianna did a thing and apparently it was the best thing EVER on TV.

I looked up pictures today.  It looks like there was a pillow fight involved and what's with men and pillow fights? We women don't pillow fight with each other in real life.  It's just in your heads, guys.  Sorry.

Rhianna is so beautiful it's like she's not from this planet. She can even show up in an outfit like this and still look pretty.

Later Ke-dollarsign-HA did a strange and slightly disturbing thing with red-clad male dancers with horse heads and machine guns, and then a big cannon with handlebars which she rode and blew confetti out of.  Also instead of pants she was wearing hot pants and fishnets.  Why are all these young pop stars afraid of pants?  I'm getting bored with crotches.

Also boring: Black Eyed Peas.

Later will.i.am declared that many new artists are "born in the studio" but can "barely perform live" which almost made me choke.  Instead I laughed bitterly.

Let me also mention that this is the guy who, in an acceptance speech at this show, thanked technology, and programmers, computers, blippy things with cool flashy lights, etcetera, or something like that, while at home in our living room with questionable furniture left over from the house we had to sell sold, we yelled at the TV, "WHAT ABOUT THE RECORDING ENGINEERS WHO RUN ALL THE BLIPPY THINGS AND ACTUALLY MAKE YOUR DAMN NOISE INTO SOMETHING THAT CAN BE LISTENED TO IN A RECORDED FORMAT?!?!?!?"

Or something like that.  While I chuckled bitterly.

Then he introduced U2 as his friends and inspiration.

Also he was wearing one of his awful Ken-doll robot helmet-wigs.

Britney was sitting with her outlaw-looking boyfriend and looking shocked and befuddled by everything.  Eyebrows up, mouth open.  Girl, I know it.  I looked and felt the same.  I just didn't get it.

Dude, CEE LO GREEN.  Love that guy!!!!  Just love him.  The giant rhinestone cloak, the silly sparkling fake piano, which floated and flipped, and man, his voice.

Is he the best?  Yeah he's the best.

Speaking of sparkly: Taylor Swift wore something sparkly.  Again.  I still hope that kid stays real and as long as she keeps on taking the high road she can spend her entire career in sparkly evening gowns and I'm okay with it.

You could tell who was singing live by the bad notes.  Hey man.  Props for singing live.  Lady Antebellum sounded genuinely great.  Mary J Blige was excellent as always.

Nicki Minaj, who I think is absolutely adorably cute (I LOVE HER HAIR)  was live but I generally don't get rap so I have no comment.  Although Britney got trotted out again to do a thing with Nicki and sounded... just like she does on the radio!!!!  Hmmm.

Here's the thing about Britney: she can schlump around in rubber flip flops, looking like she's been on the couch eating cheesies for two months, then show up to one of these with glowing skin, flowing hair, her body all fit and slammin' and I don't know how she does it.

Maybe she doesn't either.

I hope she's okay.  She seems like such a nice girl.

OH.  Then Neil Diamond.  Yes.  I have a soft spot for the man for several reasons.

1.  My Cool Young Auntie used to looooove him so I played her Neil Diamond records at Grandma's house.

2. Aging nicely and gracefully.

3. His voice, decades later, is as rich and perfect as ever.

So what did we get?  Singalong with Neil?!?  NO kidding... there he is grooving along to a totally unenthusiastic karaoke track, doing his best to bring the energy cuz he's a PERFESHNUL while the audience waved their arms and tried to stay excited about Sweet Caroline.  Gawd.  Robot music.  Doesn't Neil deserve better?  The man used to wear sparkly jumpsuits for crying out loud!  He's an ICON!!!  Actually that's what the award was for.  For being an ICON despite him saying he wasn't quite sure exactly what that meant.

So all bummed out about Neil being so great but the robot music sucking so bad, we got ready for bed.  Watched the lightning outside, the horses being loopy in the corral, and then gaped out the windows at the SIDEWAYS RAIN.  Thinking about Bucky who was camping with the youth group.  He's got an air mattress... maybe he could float... I hope those boys escaped their tent and hung around in a trailer.   And then there was hail.  And then by the time my teeth were brushed, all was reduced to chilled out little raindrops.

And the world did not end.

We're still living with the grandparents.... still not sure if we'll have work in a few months... don't know if there will still be a music industry by then, or if it will rain all summer and nobody will want to ride horses... never know when nature will take out your whole township.... but the world didn't end.

So.  I'll be taking my fuzzy head and pukey belly out to pick up horse poops in the corral eventually today.


Paul Tee said...

Hey, you said quite a mouthful. Girl, I love your take on things and that's why I visit and revisit your blog but when I rightly think about it, some of that energy should go into finishing your books that are pending...

I know how you feel though, 100%. First draft was always great fun, a wellspring of creative energy, starlight burst of ideas fighting to get on the page, hardly any work. BUT the tenth revision was a tedious revisiting, desperately yearning to write something new. In fact, when my editor-in-chief wasn't looking, I was sneaking into another book in spite of "Have to get something out the door." So there are 15 books now, and though I hadn't intended it, Dreamcast 4 is almost done (What can I do when my small but eclectic readership insist that I can't stop there?) But I digress. I know you have ADHD and so have I, but I get it to work for me. So I jump from book to book. But it's stupid, more books mean more revisions, more query letters, though I have just about given up on regular publishers and try to figure out ebooks.

So, what am I saying? Do keep up your blog, PLEASE, but get them books finished too. Easy enough for me to say all these well-intentioned things. I don't have any more teenagers at home, even if they do drive you around and do the laundry, and I don't have horses to feed, ride and clean up after, and I have a low maintenance spouse who maintains me... just a boxer and two cats. On the other hand, I have a jungle of grass out there, the poplars that are still leaning on the barn, and a driveway that swallowed trucks up to the axle. My oldest is getting married and my wife wants me to buy a 2 for 1 suit I would only wear once. Life is a series of stops and starts, like learning to drive a standard, jerking the clutch as we go stuttering down the road of life. As far as the Rapture went I had my bags packed but didn't empty my bank account.

Heidi Willis said...

I left a long comment this morning but blogger ate it. :(

Anyhoo - the gist was that your blog and you are just so full of awesome. I love your rambling brilliance. You are the only reason I care about celebrities, and only for the time you are writing about them.

And I love how you love hanging out with your kids. :)

Paul Tee said...

I agree with Ms. Willis 100%, who put it so well. The only reason I'm interested in these people is because I'm seeing them through your eyes, and you do sell me on them. Go figure. Keep writing, blog me to death..

Heidi the Hick said...

Aw Paul. You are right. More energy into books! But I'll still blog. I'm funny that way.

I have the opposite though - lately it's been hard to get the story down but I can rewrite like crazy. Now, um, seriously - Dreamcast 4 !?!?!?! WOW!

I jump from book to book too. Three on the go.

(wedding details! I'l email you!)

Heidi, you can be a part of my weird world anytime!!!