Thursday, July 28, 2011

We need to have a chaps intervention. THEY ARE NOT CALLED "ASSLESS CHAPS." ALL CHAPS ARE "ASSLESS"!!!!

Another irritant in my life to make me slap my forehead and yell at the TV.

First of all I have every intention of going to see "Cowboys and Aliens" because, well, duh, cowboys and aliens.  Things blow up and stuff, plus there are horses.  And hunky actors.  All the good stuff eh?

Plus Jon Favreau is behind this, and he's done a couple great pieces of entertainment.  Also, Harrison Ford, who should keep doing cowboy movies.  (I mean, Han Solo really was a cowboy am I right?)  And Daniel Craig, who from now on I will declare should make all cowboy movies.  Also, horses.  

But in the meantime I have to deal with stoopid people babbling about "Ooooh Daniel Craig in assless chaps!" and this has got to stop.  Entertainment news reporters are all done up in short-shorts and cowboy boots, sitting on horses, wearing straw hats, and as if that doesn't make me want to gag - come on, really?  That's not a cowboy hat, that's a Bon Jovi hat, it's not the same thing - I have to put up with these girls breathlessly going on about assless chaps!  

I can't take this anymore!  Listen up!


Chaps fit around your legs.  They belt around your waist, then you take one leg which is flapping around like a big sheet of leather and you wrap it around your leg and zip it up on the outside, from the hip to the ankle.  Repeat on the other leg.  There is no leather anywhere else except around your legs and around your waist.

There never was an ass to be less.

You will never see chaps that have an ass.  There is no such thing as "assed chaps."

Please do not ever refer to chaps as "assless" and please correct anybody who uses this term.  Thank you and tell them Heidi the Hick sent you.

And on a more pleasant note, as a reward for enduring my tirade...


You're welcome.

I'm here for you, people.  


jules said...

I love this.

My DH wants to see it because 13 from "House" seems to get naked in the trailers. I'll go for the 'assless" chaps! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Anonymous said...

I know this is the first time I've posted on your blog, and it's rude to complain the first time, but could you make that photo larger, or zoom in on the...you know, assless part?

Heidi the Hick said...

Ok so I gather 13 is the lovely lady? See something for everybody eh?

Hi Redhorse! Tell you what, if I find a, um, BETTER picture it'll be there!

Auntie said...

I've never given chaps much thought so I found your posting very educational ... not to mention hilarious! I've also not had the urge to see the movie but then had to reconsider when you mentioned Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig. Also, I've seen a lot of the Thirteen character in House since I am seriously addicted to that show. Now I must read the Night Life section of today's newspaper since it has a cover story on Cowboys & Aliens. Thanks for broadening my horizons, Heidi, and for cheering me up immensely!

Auntie said...

P.S. The best line of your tirade was "There never was an ass to be less." Brilliant. It is so good to have you back again!!

Aldercreek said...

Amen! I will be using that line!

Paul Tee said...

Does this have anything to do with ass-u-ming? As in "Be a good chap and ass-u-me something."

Or, as you claim, "Cowboys do not cover their assess," mean that they do not evade responsibility but fess up to things? But doesn't that leave them exposed to unnecessary censure, the very least? I mean, if chaps are not intended for sitting, then where did ride by-the-seat-of-one's-pants come from (if they are assless already)?

For us writers, it's ass-in-chair and write. Doesn't specify if ass-full or ass-less.

Heidi the Hick said...

Don't go half-assed, man. Always put you whole ass into it!

You amaze me. You think of everything!

Heidi Willis said...

But assless chaps is just so fun to say. It's all that great assonance, ya know? And the change to say ass without feeling like I'm swearin'.


Heidi the Hick said...

And that's why this was fun to write, I gotta admit!

Heh heh. You said assonance. Hee Hee. Now I did too

Paul Tee said...

I can't believe we got 10, now 11, comments to such a tongue-and-cheek blog.

I'm still stuck on Amy, couple blogs ago, thinking what a waste, she seemed to have had it all, looks, talent and success. But I guess all those things come with a price, and who knew all her demons?

It bears thinking about in all our strivings for some recognition. At the moment though, all I can think of is how bitch-hard it is to get any kind acknowledgment. I have written 15 books, and few ever took notice. So what? I continue to write, probably addicted to writing by now, and need 12 steps to get off the merry-go-round.

Heidi the Hick said...

Um Paul? Do not get off that ride! I like your writing! Hang onto that addiction !

It is bitch-hard to get recognition. Or even some credit for what we get done.


pseudosu said...

I actually emitted a little Betty Rubble style giggle when I read, "There is no such thing, as assed chaps." Then i blabbed about how funny you are on FB. :)

Maery Rose said...

Yes, thanks Sue. My ex was always trying to get me to put my chaps on without anything on underneath but that would be pants and pantyless chaps or naked ass chaps, whichever you prefer. Perhaps my refusal is what ended it all but I couldn't see riding my horse bare cheeked. Hey, that's probably not what he intended is it?

Anonymous said...

okay so the only thing I have to say is:


just saying :D

Heidi the Hick said...



pseudosu said...

Oh hey-- maybe there are no chaps with butts sewn in them is because
Assed chaps = a chapped ass. ;)

jules said...

Hmmm, Daniel Craig in naked ass chaps. I'd like to see THAT!

dilling said...

it was a fine film, chaps, horsed and daniel....sigh

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