I had a very hard time getting this together, because I'm kind of scatterbrained, and busy, and he's, well... he's an actor/ writer/ novelist/ philosopher/ film-maker. He's very in demand for his hosting services this year. And, he plays a murderous performance artist (heck, aren't they all?) on TV. I know this because I share a house with my mother, and she has this show she has to watch every day at 3 pm, and when Franco's on when I'm in the house she calls my attention to the show which I then stop not-watching. He's very cute.
And as far as hosting big awards shows, I mean, just so laid back and calm. The man is a tranquillized cucumber. Coooooool.
So now that I've finally got him awake and upright, let's go.
The first Hick Chic Award goes to Johnny Depp. What, you were expecting anything else?
BEST JOHNNY DEPP MOVIE I SAW THIS YEAR
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES
I honestly loved it. Let's face it, the second and third instalments were a little... perplexing.
Plus this one has a few seconds more Keef involved.
I dare you to watch this movie and not fall in love just a little bit more with Captain Jack Sparrow. Or want to be him.
Plus, there's a whole thing with a girl dressed up as Captain Jack, and if you've been hanging around here at Hick Chic for any length of time you might already know how much fun that can be.
BEST JOHNNY DEPP MOVIE I DIDN'T SEE THIS YEAR:
I am really slipping here. I still haven't seen last year's Johnny movies. I really wanted to see this. It's the second time he's played Hunter S Thompson, the first being in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, which was a film I found both fascinating and horribly disturbing. Actually that was one of the movies he isn't playing up his natural sexiness. He was twitchy and tweaky, paranoid, drugged, and way outta control. Bald headed and wearing white knee socks. But, with this taking place in the earlier life, it seems as though Young Hunter was pretty damn sharp. Either that or Johnny himself is pretty damn sharp. (Duh.)
Johnny was a fan and friend of Hunter S in real life. What would it be like for an actor to portray a friend?
Well anyways I didn't see it and the video store in Smallburg is close apparently due to lack of interest, so... yeah.
MOVIE I WON'T BE SEEING BECAUSE I'LL WEEP ALL THE WAY THROUGH IT AWARD
Are you kidding me? I'm all choked up now just thinking about it. Correct me if I'm wrong but it looks like the young English boy has to give up his beloved horse to the army? And the man tells the boy he'll bring him back home again? And this horse is such a brave little soldier? And the boy ends up in the war himself and finds his horse? See? There are tears in my eyes right now.
I just wanna run outside and throw my arms around my horses' necks and tell each of them that I would find them if they got drafted into the army (but technically I guess you could say they are Mennonite horses and won't be going to war but still.) Put a horse in a movie and I will weep. So I am not going to see this one no no no you can't make me.
THE HICK CHIC FAVOURITE NEW BAND AWARD:
Just so you are clear on how shallow I am, and how much I do love a hairy musician, I dug these guys before I heard a single note. I saw a photo of them at the MMVA in June and thought, heck yes, I'd sit on the floor in their basement while they jam. I've done it before in my past. Rock on.
I recently bought their record and it's fun. Sadly, Jethro isn't totally feeling the love. It's all a little too rough around the edges for him. Well, okay. I'll give him that. Given what he does for a living, it's almost impossible for him to listen to a DIY recording and find merit in it. It's his job to make everything sound as good as possible and he can't shut that part of him off. BUT. I love these guys.
They sound their philosophy would be... "have... a good time... all the time." That would be their philosophy.
It's like blast from the past with lyrics about Facebook invitations. Fun! I put on the CD and tap my foot and sing along. And fondly remember my 1976 Nova with the brown plaid upholstery.
THE SERIOUSLY DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME AWARD:
Me, with the DIY Detox.
If you are on an antidepressant and you think it's not working, get medical help.
Clarification: I did have medical help. I knew this was going to be a bitch, and I chose to go cold knowing that it would be horrible. I knew how horrible it was just to wean off that ****. I figured it came down to choosing between four months of weaning off or a month of high intensity hell.
I chose to rip that sucker off fast.
I had medical supervision, my pastor, and my family. I couldn't have done it alone.
...and speaking of, yeah I'm on a drug it's called CHARLIE SHEEN...
FANTASTIC USE OF WORDS AWARD:
I still don't know if he was seriously cracking up or putting on one hell of a show.
Total rock star from Mars.
Wow. Just... wow.
And speaking of words...
AMAZING BOOK AWARD:
ROOM by Emma Donoghue.
This is a very good book, but it is not a nice book. It is gripping. Scary. Horrifying. Claustrophic. Hopeful. Uplifting. Frustrating. Angering. Thoughtful. Shocking. Difficult.
I had a physical reaction to this book. I couldn't sleep for two days and felt slightly ill. I cried. I laughed with triumph. I fell in love with that little kid and cheered him on. This author has pulled off something so challenging I am in total admiration of her... months later I'm still thinking of a detail that puts another piece of the puzzle into place. Quite brilliant. But not a nice book.
WHEW! That ended up involving various amounts of weeping and drugs and rocking and wordiness, not necessarily in that order.
How we doin' here, James?
Well alright then, right back atcha. Good to see you're still awake and upright.
THE TOM FRICKEN CRUISE HE DOES ALL HIS OWN STUNTS AWARD:
TOM FRICKEN CRUISE!
Yeah, he's still got it.
We went to see Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol mostly because our son is 15 and looooves when things blow up. Also because, y'know, Tom Cruise and all that. I was hesitant. I did not love MI 3. It was way violent and made me feel kinda queasy. I'm pleased to tell you that this movie has a few glimpses of comic relief here and there. And plenty of badassery.
As well as lots of gut-shaking suspense.
Don't go see this if you have a fear of heights.
Our man Tom is now 49 years old, and although he really looks great, let's not kid ourselves, he's proudly showing all of those years. His crow's feet wrinkles are right there in glorious high definition. This is not a 22 year old. Nor should he be.
But he still does his own stunts, right?
What I really enjoyed about this movie is that everything goes wrong. They constantly have to change the plan as they go and end up on Plan E or Plan F which is comforting to me because that's my life, man! Also, Tom Fricken Cruise can take a fictional beating and come back running.
Cool guys might not run from explosions, but sometimes they can get knocked off their feet by one.
THE YOU MAY TAKE OVER THE WORLD AWARD
Gorgeous voice packed full of more feeling and emotion than most popstars have in a lifetime. She's so beautiful she knocks me out. Especially now that we've lost Amy, we need Adele!
THE "BEST REUNION" AWARD
CO-WINNER OF BEST GIG AWARD
ROCKING MY WORLD AWARD
HEIDI'S DREAM COME TRUE AWARD
We saw them in London Ontario.
They were awesome.
I do not exaggerate - awesome in the true meaning of the word. Awe inspiring.
I'd just gotten back to the real world after spending a month in my darkened bedroom. (See: don't try this at home, above.) I really wasn't feeling quite right yet. I was a little shaky, pale, and kinda thin. But there was no way I was about to miss this. Jethro bought the tickets while I was still buzzing and shaking. I told him I would will myself to be well enough to show up.
Man, Soundgarden is one of my favourite bands of all time! When they broke up in 1997 - I actually remember driving down the street in our 1992 Dodge Spirit when I heard about the breakup on the radio - I was right bummed out, but I got it. They quit before it turned lame. I hated the breakup but I understood and was kinda thankful that they didn't ruin their own greatness. But when I heard they reformed in 2010... well I guess I didn't totally believe it. Too good to be true?
Nu-uh. They were top notch.
I figured I'd never see Soundgarden live. And Rage Against the Machine had also broken up. We were loving Audioslave and of course, this was kind of the best of both worlds. And let me tell you, that Audioslave show was one of the best we've seen.
BUT NOW I HAVE SEEN SOUNDGARDEN LIVE!!!
I have to stop going on about it because I might never stop, it was that big for me.
CO-WINNER OF BEST GIG
WORTH THE EIGHT HOUR DRIVE AWARD
TEENAGE DAUGHTER'S DREAM COME TRUE AWARD
MUSE at Lollapalooza
Annyong, being a seriously giddy Muser, masterminded this road trip to go see her favourite band of all time.
And they were everything we wanted them to be, expected them to be, and more.
Jethro was extremely impressed. And he don't impress easily.
Did we rock out? Yeah!!!!
Annyong and her friend came back from their spot at the front of the stage sweaty, exhausted, and happy. On the way back to Ontario, they were already planning our next Muse concert. And yes, every day she gives me progress reports via their website as to how that new record's coming along...!
BEST EARWORM AWARD
Foster The People, "Pumped Up Kicks"
It gets in my head, it won't leave, and I don't want it to leave!
We saw them at Lollapalooza too. Or, at least, we saw them play Their Hit. From the side of the giant crowd. Thousands of hands in the air. All the other kids, with their pumped up kicks.
I was a little alarmed at first that I was bopping alone blissfully to a song with lyrics about running faster than a bullet, but I think I get it. I used to have delightful nightmares about getting onto the school bus and going on an abusive rampage. Which is weird because I had friends on that bus but anyways. Some of us have some pretty violent tendencies buried deeply but we don't act on them. Music can do it for us! And in the meantime, give parents opportunities to discuss these things with their teenagers!
I give up. I love that song.
But why'd they have to be so darn cute too?
BEST FAMOUS WEDDING
They seem to really like each other!
WORST FAMOUS WEDDING
Booty Boobsface and that Tall Guy. Ugh.
THE CRAP TIMING AWARD
Oprah, for quitting her talk show - and therefore televised book club - a few years short of the day my novel gets published.
THE STUPIDITY AWARD
That girl who tried to claim that the Jbiebs is the father of her child. Where do I start?
-that anybody would get past the kid's security team and bodyguards?
-that anybody would get past the kid's MOTHER??????
-that if it's true she'd go to jail for violating a teenager
-that if it's not true she'd go to jail for lying in court
In a way I feel sorry for her.
Because there's no cure for stupid, is there?
BEST MOVIE AWARD
Wanna learn how to put a story together? Watch this.
The backstory unfolds as we need it, the characters are so endearing, and the thing we're supposed to be afraid of is scary because we don't get to see it.
THE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS INSTEAD OF JUST GO WITH IT AWARD
BEST FARM BOY AWARD
Cameron from Modern Family!
He's the gay guy who grew up on a farm and even though he's stereotypically fem, he can fix anything, throw a ball like a champ, and likes to remind everybody about how he was driving a combine when he was like, ten years old.
He was really miffed that his father-in-law didn't think he could drive the delivery truck.
Aw, he's so cute and wears such nice shirts!
THE DEMISE OF THE NICKELBOB!
Chad looks so much better with short hair. I know, you're shocked. Yeah, I like a hairy rockstar. But his hair was getting silly. The Nicklebob was not good. He looks handsome with short hair.
Know what bugs me about Nickelback?
I find myself rocking out to their music. I can't help it. I just can't stop myself.
Do we still have Franco?
Okay, he's still hanging in. Good.
BEST ROCK STAR MEMOIR
But depending on the day, I would give it to this:
APOLOGY FOR NOT FINDING OUT HOW AWESOME YOU ARE SOONER THAN THIS YEAR AWARD
THE BLACK KEYS
I'm so sorry, guys. I have no excuse. I saw you perform on TV, I heard a couple songs and thought, "Hmm, cool!" I read about your greatness on other people's blogs. I should have gotten on board much sooner than this summer.
I just want you to know that "Brothers"is not just one of the best albums of the last couple years, but also possibly one of the best, like, ever. I'm not kidding. It's so good Jethro commandeered the CD and kept it in his car for about 6 months straight. And he does not impress easily. YOU ARE THAT GOOD.
So, Black Keys, I want you to know that we love "El Camino" and promise to go back and catch up on what you've done before. You're awesome.
THE NOT ENOUGH LOVE AWARD
This pains me.
I'm not loving the new Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Maybe it's not them, maybe it's me.
Maybe it's that if I look back, my favourite RHCP records involved John Frusciante, and he has bagged off (again) and maybe it's that I'm really a huge John Frusciante fan, and like the Peppers but love them when he's with them.
Also, Anthony. Oh dear. Still handsome. But this look.... I just don't know....
He doesn't look like my Super Hot Imaginary Geography Teacher anymore.
THE JUSTIFYING MY LOVE AWARD
THE SUPREME AWARD OF AWESOMENESS
THE THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS ALBUM AWARD
Have I ever mentioned that I love this man?
I mean, like in a fan kind of way. I don't actually know him. I assume I'd probably like him very much. He and I both think Jesus is a rock star.
"Songbook" is a gorgeous piece of work. He performed a handful of acoustic concerts in 2011. Please don't ask why I wasn't there. It got past me. I must stop living under a rock.
This record is... perfect.
He covers "Thank You" by Led Zeppelin. Okay, please take a second to let this sink into your head. Chris Cornell, whom I adore, singing a song by Robert Plant, whom I not only adore, but who rewired my brain when I was fifteen. So I listen to this, favourite singer, favourite singer, and my brain explodes.
And I had no idea an exploding brain could feel that good.
He's as gorgeous as ever. He's grown his hair out again. Sigh. That and the Zeppelin. I'd like to think he really must love me after all, in pretend world, I guess.
Beautiful man with the brilliant mind and vast talent and stunning, amazing voice.
It's a 2011 release but I got it in the first week of 2012.
I listen to it in the dark and weep tears of happiness.
Hey man, 2012 is gonna be ALRIGHT!
Thanks for joining me... I must go now and help Franco find the door so he can go home to work on his PhD in philoso-acting.