Just a reminder that apples ACTUALLY FOR REAL GROW ON TREES!

I'm emerging from my blog-apathy to tell you that this planet is beautiful and amazing.  I mean, as far as humans go, the world is a steaming pile of garbage, generally, and that covers some damage to this wonderful planet as well.

However, an apple tree recently reminded me that sometimes nature is oblivious to some awful things.  In no particular order...

-wars
-women being treated poorly by men
-men getting away with it
-people who aren't white being treated badly by white people
-white people getting away with it
-animals being abused
-children being abused
-leadership power being abused
-humans being gullible enough to believe anything they're told - especially when what they're told is mean spirited and cruel and degrading and potentially harmful
-being surrounded by all this crap on TV and movies and newspapers and the internets
-humans consuming shamelessly
-humans generating garbage

Did I cover it all?  If I left something out, please don't add it in the comments.  I just wanted to get that out of the way and then NOT think about it anymore.  That stuff is all over the news, and it's hard to get away from it.  Let's take a break.

Down the road and around the corner, there's a tiny little farm.  The house is old and kinda rickety, but it's obviously cared for, with new siding and a nice side porch.  The yard is clean, the flowers look happy, and there's a vegetable garden.  There are also about five apple trees along the side of the road.

I like to walk my dog that direction.  This street is the next best thing to living in the country, and I often need that.

This time of year, the apple trees are so heavy with fruit that it falls off the branches.  There are apples in the ditch, smelling sweet and rotten and slightly fermented in the sun.  It's been an abnormally hot September.  Cars drive over ripe apples that have rolled onto the road.  Pavement applesauce.

It bothers me to waste food in any case, but I thought at least, I could grab a few that landed on the ground with very little damage, and take them out to the farm to give my horses.  I'm pretty sure that would be ok, right?  Maybe it looks weird in this privileged country, to be scavenging apples off the side of the road, but where's the shame in that, right?  I don't think it's stealing, is it?

Well, happily, I found out that the owners don't mind if someone picks apples.  They're not doing it, somebody might as well.  At the very least, it'll clean up the grass a little, make it easier to mow.

I filled a bag with the small red apples, with a tinge of paleness on one side, and little bumps on the bottom.  I ate a few.  They were just a little bit sour under the sweetness.  My dad ate a few.  They were good.  I gave the horses one each for a couple days and they chewed and slobbered blissfully.

I grabbed a few hard little yellow apples.  The horses loved them.  They are very hard and bitter, so probably what my grandmothers would have called baking apples.  I might not get around to baking them.

One tree has big red apples.  I'd taken a few out of the grass, but one day a beautiful apple fell out of the tree right in front of me.  I stuck that one in my pocket.  Later, when I ate it, I felt like all of nature was singing to me that the world is still good, and the planet isn't done yet, and there is sweetness and perfection in the humblest places!  It was possibly the best apple I've ever eaten.  (No wonder the horses looked ecstatically happy!)  That apple was so good, I hoped God won't chase me out of the garden or something.

I haven't been down that direction for a few days.  I think tomorrow I'll take the Pug down the road, with a bag over my shoulder, and a hoodie with really big pockets.

A Hick, a House, a River, a Pug, a Family, a Really Nasty Old Pickup Truck… life in Smallburg...

I would like to share the view from my front porch, in the first week of September, shortly after we moved into our new home:

Yes, if I sit on the steps of my front porch, I see a hay field.

I live in town.  That is a fact.  Am I okay with this?  Y'know what, I am!  I can see a field and trees.  There's a river close to my house, and it's surrounded by crop fields because it's flood plain, and there can't be any buildings.  To get to our house, you'd have to cross one of two bridges, because of the river on one side and the train track on the other.  It's like an island.  The other end of our street eventually ends up at a dirt road.  This is as country as you can get and still have fast internet.

Best part of all?  My husband shares this home with me.  And our two younguns, one working for a living and getting her business going, the other here on weekends while he's in college.  And the Pug of course.  And a lot of music gear.

It's been a loooong time with him working in the city while we lived on the farm.  We're out of the city.  We are no longer commercial property owners in Toronto and couldn't be happier about that.  He still has to drive in to do recording quite a bit but generally he's working from home.  We have just unloaded a huge amount of stress.

Technically, we live in town.  I have less wide open space - unless I focus on that flood plain field across the road.  But even though the neighbours are closer, this place feels very private.  Our backyard is surrounded by evergreen trees and lilac bushes, but there's enough space that I don't feel crowded.  Well, honestly, even at the farm I could feel a little crowded.  It's a busy farm area and I could see like, nine other barns from the farmyard.  I'm just kinda weird in the way that I don't want my neighbours too close.  It's okay, though.  I see trees when I look out the window.

But the house… wow.  May I brag?  I have to.  I waited six years to get my own house.  I love this house.  Oh my gosh.  I love the high ceilings and the 105-year-old woodwork.  I love all the old-house mysteries.  I am more amused than annoyed at the slant of the kitchen floor.  I love the front porch!  And the back porch!  And the flowerbeds!  I love the cellar with ceilings high enough for my men to stand up straight!  I love the four bedrooms!  I love the little yellow bathroom!  I love the pocket doors downstairs!  I love the super creepy attic with the prohibitively steep narrow stairwell!  I love the front room with the landing and dark stained bannister on the stairwell!  I love the side entrance with the cute 70s panelling with little foxes and deer on it, where I keep my barn clothes.

I just realized that my house has three staircases.  Geez.

It turns out this 1910 house and the much older farmhouse have a few things in common.

The farmhouse has this quirky stairwell and landing combo, where you can walk up a few steps to the landing, then either turn left to go upstairs, or go down the steps on the other side, and you're in the bathroom.  This house has a quirky stairwell and landing combo, where you can walk up a few steps to the landing, then either turn left to go upstairs, or go down the steps on the other side, and you're in the kitchen.

Another commonality would be old plaster walls held together by wallpaper.  The farmhouse has some uniquely bumpy walls.  My house has some obvious lath board under the plaster but I like it.  Half my house has been drywalled.  Which is fine.  There might even be insulation in those rooms.  That would be different.

Here's one more: Neither of these houses were built with heating ducts going to the second floor.  The farmhouse, which is probably older by several decades, gets abused by the north wind all winter and to keep from seeing our breath at night, my parents had baseboard heaters installed in the 70s.  Our new house only has one, in the bathroom.  Luckily, I had 20 years of growing up cold and the kids have survived six years so I think we'll be okay.

Oh, one more thing that the two houses share, which I love: ripply glass windows.  I will not replace them.  I'll get new storm windows on the outside but nobody is going to take away my old windows.

So as you can see, we moved to a different house but it's like it was just waiting for us.  It has so many things that I am familiar and comfortable with.  It has very quickly felt like home!!!

Obviously, moving to a place with streetlights instead of a solitary yard light has been a difficult adjustment.  Not gonna lie.  I used to have a bedroom that faced 20 acres of field.  I loved living at the farm.  I love the farm.  I mean, you've seen the pictures.  It's fantastic.

This was my view from the bedroom window at the farm.  I could see my garden and the field and the road and the other neighbour's field and the other road and then the other field and then the forest and some more field.  That was AWESOME.  

Want to see the view from my windows now?  I'm so lucky.  So, extremely lucky.  

Here I am going down my beautiful staircase to the window...

Oh look.  TREES!!!

Looking out the bathroom window, over the little shed (which will eventually become a legit studio to work in) and what do we see?  MORE TREES!!!

I walk out my back porch, and here's what I see: LOTS OF TREES!  And my extremely run down old Honeybadger of a pickup truck.  

(that is a whole other story by the way.  We'll talk later.  I looooove my truck irrationally and unreasonably, but I'm facing some harsh realities and I think you can guess where this is going.)

So basically, I can forget that I'm in town.  This road is way quieter than the highway in front of the farm.  I only see houses if I look out the front windows.

The biggest difficulty is the fact that my new home is on a town lot and I can't keep my horses in my backyard.  That really sucks.  I'm okay with it because I've decided to be okay with it.  I love my husband more than I love my horses (Don't laugh! It's true!) So I live with him in "town" and go out to the farm every day.  I've had a few days when I haven't been up to it, but I have everything set up so my ol man can zip out to the barn and take care of things.  I love going out to the farm.  And the drive to get there from my house is GORGEOUS.

Here I am, too dizzy and weak to ride, so I'm playing silly little games with my horses.  Copper is so bored, eh?  

Here's a picture of my pony parade.  It's so convenient; I can exercise all three of them at the same time!

Moe is always up for some quality time.  

I seem to need a lot of breaks, sitting on the barn wall, relaxing with my furry friends.  

Dice is always waiting for me.  Every morning.  

I drive to the farm twice a day.  It's a six minute drive.  Seven, if I get the red light at the highway.  There have been a few days when I'm not up to it… I'm feeling much better but I still wear out way too quickly and my balance is wonky.  The thing is, I like being there enough to get in a vehicle and go.  I don't really get that much horse time and I haven't had the energy to saddle up since the move.  It doesn't matter though; I get to see them and talk to them and give them some good pets and hugs and forehead scratches.  They always seem happy to see me.  They are kind of overweight, and Phoenix looks kind of bored, but Copper is way more relaxed and Parker is just his regular adorable cuddly self.  They are my equine therapists.  They do my heart and soul good.

As do the barn cats.  They are always waiting for me to show up -- at the grass beside the lane now, instead of the door of the house -- and I can't get anywhere without carrying a cat.  I have to.  I walk with a purring cat under one arm.

And, believe it or not, my parents are happy to see me!  I often go in after cleaning up the barnyard to chat with my mom.  My ol man acts like I never left - I'll be in the garden and he'll stroll up and start a conversation where we left off the day before.

So what about my dog?  Dobby is happy!  Within a day he'd figured out the difference between "home" and "the farm" and Grandma is really happy to see her "grand-dog".  Yep.  My bigger problem with taking this little country dog into a home in town is that he barks at everything.  Every leaf, every bug, every pedestrian.  I'm not sure if he's hyper vigilant and serious about guarding us, or if this is part of the adjustment process, or maybe he just has some extra barks in him that need to come out???

He got the hang of the smaller property well enough, but after the first week sort of tested his boundaries.  After I chased across two back yards and yelled at him to GIT HOME he has not tested his boundaries.  Poor guy.  He used to have pretty much free run of close the three acres.  Now he's got 50' x 115'.  No wonder he has to check and see how far he can go.  There isn't any fence budget so for the time being he'll have to just behave himself.

We sort of have a recording studio in our house instead of a living room/ dining room.  It's temporary.  Please stop snickering, yes I do know that temporary usually means years but I like having the work right inside the house.  He was gone so much for so long.  Ask me in eight months how I like it and I probably will be very ready to move the studio into a nice little tin shack in the backyard, but right now, this is good.  He's got a 10-step commute from where he makes his coffee to where he works.  It's nice.

So, generally, life is good.  Not perfect, but if life was perfect I'd be very nervously waiting for something terrible to happen and balance it out.  For the last month, I've been puttering around my house, unpacking things, moving things, cleaning things.  Reading and resting. Going out to the farm and taking a minute to soak up the view.  I haven't been writing much, but it'll come around.  It's in me and it'll come out.

Next… Well, I'm truck shopping.  I'm accepting it but I'm not happy about it yet.    This will be like parting with an old friend and we'll discuss it when getting excited about the project.

Know what else is coming up?  MY TENTH BLOGIVERSARY.  Should we have a party?

Here is the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT I've been waiting SIX YEARS to make!!!

I've been mentally composing this post for weeks, no, years, and I'm just gonna go for it okay?

WE SOLD OUR RECORDING STUDIO.  WE HAVE BOUGHT A NEW PLACE TO LIVE AND WORK!!!!



That's right -- we'll be in our own home again!!  I can finally stop having dreams and nightmares about the cute bungalow we sold.  I can stop dreaming and obsessing, both waking and sleeping, about whatever home would be ours in the future.  It's really happening.  It's for real.  The deal is firm.  The sorting and purging and packing up of our belongings has been started, and about a month from now, we'll be moving into OUR NEW HOME!  And Jethro will drastically cut his commuting time!

I can say, for real, that this house, our new house, our home, is gorgeous and perfect and wonderful… the kind of house I'd ooh and ahh over and wish, faintly, that someday I could live in a house that pretty.  Dream come true?  Pretty much, yeah!

I AM NOT KIDDING, THIS IS OUR FRONT PORCH!!!

There is only one flaw with this place.  One problem, one serious flaw.  

It does not have a barn and pasture.


Yep… we're moving… are you ready for this?  Deep breath… to town.


AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!

BUT WAIT!

It's okay!


Whaaaaat?  Heidi the Hick is moving to town and it's okay?  Yes it's okay.  But what about my need for wide open spaces and surrounded by fields and horses in sight and a clear view of the horizon?

We found the perfect town lot.  I mean, if you have to live in town, this is the place.   It's on a side street that gets very little traffic, because the road heads out of town to a dirt road, and there's a nasty old wooden plank single lane train bridge that has to be crossed before you reach the side road, so most people just avoid taking that road into town unless they have to.

Our house is between bridges; the "Thunder Bridge" on the way out of town, and a bigger bridge over the river on the town side.  There's one house between us and the river.  Then the river curves around so that across the road, we've got two small houses and then acres of flood plain before a lovely view of the riverbank.  This means that even though I'll be technically living in town… I'm still looking out my window at a hay field!!

That flood plain means there won't be any construction across from us.  And there won't be anything built behind us either, because there's a train track back there.

It's a landlocked obscure little street. We've got municipal water service, but all the houses are on septic systems.  (This is really why we ended up with the place; it was sold to someone else for a couple weeks, but after the septic inspection they decided against it.  So we were like, heck, septic system needs replacing in ten years?  Hell that's better than s***ting in a bucket!  Let's put in another offer!!!!)

I am obviously not going to be thrilled about leaving the farm.  I love the farm.  I love being in the country and I love this specific property.  But, it's still here.  The horses will stay here, and I am only a 7 minute drive away from them.  It's not ideal, but it's something I can do.  They won't suffer.  They might not even figure out that I don't live in the house across the lane from the barn anymore.  The farm is still going to be part of my life, just as it has been for my entire life.

Here's the thing… my husband, for over five years, has been working in Toronto.  That's almost two hours away from here.  And I can't be inconvenienced to do a 7 minute drive, there and back, twice a day?  I can do that for him.  It's worth it.  I actually do love my man more than my horses, believe it or not.

As for the work situation, it's looking like we can figure that out.  This has been terrifying.  Honestly.  Is there a thriving music industry in Smallburg Ontario?  Ha.  No.  Well, is there a thriving music industry in Toronto?  There is, but it's pretty hard to make a living. When you're paying Toronto prices for everything, it's just not worth it.  Not for us.

He'd be in the control room, looking out at his beautiful live room, with the three massive windows, and he'd be thinking about how much it costs to pay for it.  He's not tracking every day.  But he's got to pay for that big studio.

Very soon, we'll start building our new studio in our backyard.  We'll be going from 3500 square feet to 750 sq ft.  There will be absolutely no wasted space in our new studio.  Jethro will still have to drive to the city to record in big tracking rooms which are owned by other people.  It's okay.  If he has to stay overnight, getting a hotel room is way cheaper than the mortgage, condo fees, waste removal fees, commercial taxes and utilities that he's been paying.  He can record in the city and bring it home to mix it in his backyard.  I can sit beside him and write stories if he gets lonely.

Until our new studio is built, all of our gear will be set up in what would normally be the living room and dining room in our house.  We'll be hanging around upstairs, which is fine because that's been our arrangement in the farmhouse.  Our house has 4 bedrooms, so the biggest one will be our office/TV room.  Setting up the studio in our house isn't ideal either.  Well guess what?  Nothing is ever going to be perfect!  I'll take excellent over perfect any day.  We have had all the discussions about who will be the biggest problem -- him playing the same three words over and over for several hours, or me tiptoeing up the squeaky steps from the kitchen.  We'll be okay.  Gotta have some challenges in life, right?

Letting go of the studio has been difficult.  We love that place.  It's been good for his career, it's been a wonderful place to work, and it's been something we could be proud of.  But it's time.  Letting it go means getting our family back together.  Bucky heads off to college in September, but he has a home to come home to.  Selina can stay with us until she's ready to go out on her own.  I have thanked our magnificent studio and set it free.

It won't be a studio anymore.  A church has bought it.  We're okay with that.  I like to think that the drum booth, with soundproofing and three windows, will make an excellent room for parents to take their screaming infants during sermons!  We did have a hope that someone else would continue using it as a studio, because it's such a unique and beautiful and well functioning studio.  But in almost five years, this was the only offer we got.  Ever.  So it's time.

Our next home isn't what I had expected or planned.  I should just get used to that.  That is life.  This is not a farm.  A couple years ago we did some math and realized that we would not get a farm.  That was hard to accept.  I had imagined touring a small farm with my husband and kids, and what it would be like to picture our life in that house.  Instead, the two of us went looking at what we decided would not really be suitable for us, but by the end of the weekend couldn't stop thinking about it, and put in an offer with our guts in a knot.  And got overbid.  And then got a second chance at it.  It's in town, it's beautiful, and it's about to be ours.

I'll have to put up thick curtains to block out the street lamps, and the train whistle that we now hear as a mournful echo from the other side of the highway will be basically in my backyard… hey, it didn't hurt Jimi Hendrix to have a train practically on top of his studio… we'll be fine.  As fine as we are here, just different.

Seriously, it's beautiful.  Look at this.  Can you believe it?  The current occupants are friends of ours and they have taken loving care of it for the last two years.  They are happy for us.  The whole thing feels pretty good.  

So you saw our front porch, and this is the back porch.  BACK PORCH.  TWO PORCHES.  I am going to consume so many cold beverages in the summers while sitting here.  Or there.  That will be my hardest decision - front porch or back porch?  Am I extroverted or introverted today?    

And this is the patio Jethro will cross on his way to our future studio in the backyard.  Our backyard which is quite private and as you can see, doesn't have uncomfortably close neighbours.  It's about as country as you can get while still having good internet.  

Know what else this house has?  Old woodwork, new wiring.  A shower.  Like an actual shower.  And a dishwasher.  For real.  A dishwasher.  Also a stone foundation cellar that a 6 ft tall person can stand up straight in.  And an unfinished attic.  Which our daughter thinks will be hers.  It also has room for a Digidesign console, a gear rack, a 7 ft grand piano, and old upright piano, three boxes worth of kitchen stuff I haven't seen in six years, three beds, some dressers, a few truckloads of books and records and CDs, and four people and a small dog.  

Home, is really just inside a person and inside a group of people.  We've always had Home, and now we will have a House to put it in.

2014 Grammy weirdness

Yeah it's over a week late... snowbanks, frozen water pipes, swollen horse legs, and then I got sick.  So here ya go.  I'll make it worth your time. 

Notice anything this year? LIVE PERFORMANCES.  I'm pretty sure everybody was singing live, because it wasn't always perfect, and you can hear them taking breaths.  I suspect many are making it obvious that they're breathing so we know it's for real.  Can we all just agree to appreciate live music?  I don't want taped perfection.  What I think is really interesting is that many performers aren't even pretending anymore that they're singing to a track. We all know it.  We know Lorde is singing to a track with stacks of background vocals.  I'm cool with that.  As long as the lead vocal is there I'm happy.  

This year it has become very clear that I really am totally disconnected from the world of popular music. I will be over here with my CD collection while those youngsters are doing their pole-twerking or whatever it is they do with music now.  My Grammy experience this year seems to be my lack of awareness + confusion +  interesting hat and boot choices.  

CRAWLING OUT FROM UNDER MY ROCK:

Clueless - Never heard of 'em

Aware - I know they exist

Vague - I might have heard their music but didn't know it was them

Somewhat - I know who they are and have heard a couple of tunes

Default - I have to know who they are because they are inescapable

Big Fan - I might have actually spent some money in supporting these artists

For example: I am aware of the existence of these two robot fellas.  Do I know any of their songs?  I don't know, maybe I do.  VAGUE.

But I do know I like their sparkly boots.  

This is EXACTLY what a day in our recording studio looks like! 

Actually, I took great delight in their fake studio set for this performance.  Jethro started his career in a well known studio that looks a lot like this, right down to the wooden panelling and flat stone faced walls.  

And more BOOTS!!!!

I like you, Kacey Musgraves. I might elevate her from Somewhat status. I thoroughly enjoyed this.  Great song, loved the set, and she's adorable.

Here's Jesus Leto with his fellow musicians, to which I'm indifferent. Technically he's at Somewhat level, but only because his band opened for Audioslave years ago.  Other than that, big ol' blank. But he cracks me up with those boots.  He's been wearing them since last fall, in almost every picture I find on the web nets. And yes, I've been looking.  Hey, it's been a rough winter and I need bad excuses to hang around indoors.  

Completely unrelated but had to include this: the music teacher award!  How freaking great is that?  Yes, we absolutely should be giving grammy awards to a music teachers who deserves it! Everybody's gotta start somewhere.  

And here's a picture that pleases me greatly: Edie Brickell and Steve Martin. (Were they on the telecast?  Did I miss that??) She was a hero of mine when I was about 18. I could relate to her whole thing. It was like she just got me.  I wasn't aware of too many things, either, but I knew what I knew... if y'know what I mean.  (Do ya???)  (Did I???)  I think around 1989 I probably looked a lot like she did at the time.  And Steve Martin!  How can anybody not dig this guy?

Also, BOOTS.  I think I know what I'm wearing to the Juno awards this year, thank you Edie.  

And now that I think about it, "I'm not aware of too many things, I know what I know if you know what I mean" could have been the title of this post.   

But, on the subject of People Whom I Felt Really Got Me, Man, When I Was Young, let's have a look at Cyndi Lauper!

When I was 13 I looooooved her and to this day I feel all happy inside when she resurfaces.  Her accent continues to crack me up.  

Okay so I'm wearing THIS to the Junos.  

Maybe Jethro and I should go as Miranda and Blake.  Hey, I'm Somewhat Familiar with them! Aren't they lovely?

We all love a happily married couple, don't we?  

Jay Z is another artist of whose existence I am aware but I don't know his stuff, so he's somewhere between Aware and Vague.  Is he good at what he does?  I have no idea.  It just sounds to me like he's talking real fast.  All I know is that I only like the looks of him when he's with her.  On his own I find him to be unfriendly looking but with her HE SMILES and then he's lovely.

Which makes perfect sense.  He should be smiling.  Dude, you're married to Beyonce.  I just think it's interesting that his face changes so much when he's beside her.  

Maybe it's a hip hop thing.  Do all those guys have to look menacing?  I don't know hip hop. We'll discuss that later.  

Beyonce is definitely Familiar, mostly because a person would have to be a serious hermit, living in off the grid in a shack with no road access and no print media to not know who she is.  HOwever, I hadn't heard anything off her new surprise album until this show.  And I didn't hear much of it because most of the chorus was bleeped.  Apparently she reeeeeeeeally loves her man.  So much so that we're not allowed to hear the details on television.  That's okay.  I don't need to know what the Knowles-Carters do at home.

I have successfully convinced myself that a woman can have a figure like this by doing barn chores and housework and dog walks.  I'm working hard at this routine.  Okay not real hard.

Do you think Beyonce ever thinks, "Aw screw it man, I'm not feeling the fishnets and figure skating uniform. I'm going on stage in yoga pants and a hoodie tonight.  It's well established that I am AWESOME so I can wear my slacker outfit just this once. It's got rhinestones on it, it'll be okay. "  

DID SOMEBODY SAY RHINESTONES????

I love this picture.  She's so sassy and yet fierce.  Like, don't mess with Taylor Swift, guys, she's got rhinestones AND big hair AND attitude.  

She can play piano and headbang at the same time.  So why didn't Metallica get her to play "One" with them instead of Lang Lang? 

Yep, this actually happened.  

 Or maybe both.  Metallica with Lang Lang and Taylor Swift. Ha!  I'm not even getting paid to come up with this stuff. 

Her whole thing is kind of predictable.  You know she's going to look perfect.  She's naturally beautiful and knows how to play it up.  And she's going to be sparkly.  She'll be completely utterly breathlessly shocked if she wins.  And my awareness level is Familiar because she's pretty much reached Beyonce levels of ubiquity.  

I almost wish she'd show up looking like crap somewhere, anywhere, just so I'd feel like the world makes sense for us imperfect slobs.  Maybe she can borrow Beyonce's slacker outfit.  

I don't understand her music.  But that's just me.  Her thing is not my thing. Can't relate.  

But apparently she's become buds with this girl, whom I love. I can see myself getting into Big Fan territory.

Lorde. 

I do love a rule breaker.  

Jethro wasn't digging the twitchy singer thing.  I suspect he's not recovered yet from the Alanis Morrissette overdose we all got twenty years ago.  But I think Lorde is avoiding that sexy-girl thing that most teenage pop singers overwork.  She doesn't have to be sexy.  She's 17 and super talented.  She can do whatever she wants, that's what I say.  

What is it about this angle that makes me think of Robert Plant around 1973?  Is it the attitude?  That'll serve her well in the future. I saw a picture of her with David Bowie and Tilda Swinton and I realized that they are all three from the same planet.  

She's talented and she's a songwriter and I hope she keeps her head on straight.  Yeah she's wearing a lot of black, but geez, what was I wearing when I was 17?  Yeah.  As a middle aged lady though, I'd love to be able to advise her to stand up straight when accepting her awards.  Her back will thank her later.  Also, tight satin is not forgiving at all, even when you're young.  Just go up a size.  And as much as I think her thick hair looks great, don't let the stylists convinced you to straighten it all the time.  

Otherwise, she can go on being her own strange unique little self.  

And then there's Katy Perry.

Her red carpet dress is obvious like a smack in the head.  But this is her thing.  She's really into themes. She goes full on with stuff. She's cute and perky, she works her butt off, and I think it works because it's her.

She's not only Familiar, she's sneaky - I have found myself humming her tunes accidentally.  

Then this happened.   I mean, if you're going to dress up as a pole dancing witch, OF COURSE your pole is actually a broomstick. 

And if that wasn't obvious enough, she appears to have gone up in flames at the end?

And now, Bruno Mars!  Because:

A) Talented

B) Cute

C) Finger guns.  

D) Bolo tie!  Nice one, cowboy!

Now it has come to the part of my post where I tell you how cool Dave Grohl is.  Dave has been a full on Rock Star for over twenty years and he still bursts with excitement over being in close proximity to a Rock Star.  I am a Big Fan.  And so is he.  

"Dude!  This is PAUL MCCARTNEY!"

I'm sure most guys would get excited about hanging with Sir Paul.  

I personally think, despite the Sound City song which won them this Grammy being pretty cool, that the Black Sabbath song should have won this category. I'm just saying.  But this acceptance speech was lovely. Good job fellas.

But can we take a minute to talk about RINGO?

He's kind of timeless now.  He's really hip, maybe because he doesn't have to carry around that heavy weight of sainthood.  

If you ask me - and I hope I don't regret saying this - I think both of their performances went on a little long.  They were great, just long.  

Here's Ringo with Joe Walsh, the only quarter of the Eagles that doesn't make me want to clench my teeth and groan.  

Is Ringo wearing sneakers?  It's okay, they're formal sneakers.  

Ringo is highly under-appreciated, as far as I'm concerned.  First of all, anybody who's ever disrespected the man's talent has never actually bothered listening to his work, and as it was said, (I think by Tony Iommi?) the Beatles weren't the Beatles until Ringo came along.  Plus, a little thing called Octopus' Garden.  My kids loved that.  Also, Thomas the Tank Engine!  Enough said!

And now speaking of legendary rock stars, Black Sabbath!  Big Fan! They dressed up Ozzy and set him loose.  Of course his speech was incoherent, incomprehensible, undecipherable!  Geez, this is like asking Seth MacFarlane to host the Oscars - what did you expect??????

Now I would like to suggest a foolproof way to ensure that Ozzy can be understood, and I know this because I've seen him live twice.

Just have him sing everything.

He'll be in tune and every word will be clear as the cloudless sky.  Although be prepared to be coerced into clapping your hands wildly over your head, screaming and possibly getting hosed.  It happens.  

But the ol feller cleans up pretty good.  Mind you, you can dress him up but you still can't take him anywhere. 

Love the jacket, the cross is nice, and his hair is shiny.  I guess he needed to balance out all the niceties with some classic Ozzy misbehaviour.  

I love this.  Geezer and Tony are like, "Yep.  Yeah.  That's right.  Yep."  Geezer was sniggering onstage when Ozzy apparently forgot how teleprompters work.  

And can I say, Tony is looking great for a guy who's still doing radiation treatments every two weeks!  Yay Tony Iommi!  (For the record, I miss Bill Ward, but it's good to see these guys. Rockers shouldn't retire if they still got it going on.)

I can see Dave Grohl rocking until he's ancient.  Let's love Dave Grohl for a minute. 

DAAAAAAVE GRO-OOOOOOHL!  He IS a rock star.  He can whip a polar bear's ass.  

In my imagination, this is what Jethro and I look like when we shut down the studio for a weekend and leave the farm.  The long hair, the black suit, the beard, the pink dress.  I have a vivid imagination.

Here's Dave with two of his long time musician-friends, Krist Novoselic and Pat Smear.  

Pat, with the weird name and fantastic grin.  Krist, with the Novoselic-ness.  And a great hat.

We're going to get to the serious hat stuff very soon.  

The hat stuff made an appearance at this major stage event that I am still processing.  A wedding.  Like, a mass wedding.  I can't decide if this is really awesome and memorable or a giant gimmick. Was this for real?  Is it all legal?  Went kind of quickly, not?  Does any couple feel special in the middle of a mass wedding?  The message is great, by way of a song by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, that love is love.  I'm all for that.  Years ago I didn't get that.  How could I, when I thought that I didn't personally know any gay people?  Well it turns out I do. My attitude has changed immensely.  So why am I still cringing at this? Is it Madonna?  Has she now trained me that any appearance by her raises my gimmick alarm?  Is that what this has come to? Well in any case, yes I shed a tear, geez I'm not cold hearted! 

But screw it - Macklemore is wearing a bolo tie.  As if I didn't already love him enough after the Thrift store thing.  

Also, this lady.  Beautiful.  I'm pretty clueless about her.  

I'm thinking that ain't right.

Latifah looked pretty damn great too.  

But now it's time for...

THE HAT INTERVENTION.

Madonna.  Madge.  Listen to me.  

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

Let's not even get into the use of a kid as a prop.  Let's not even get into the cane.  Hey, I've had enough sprained ankles in my life to understand that sometimes you need to rock a cane. And let's not say this is an Amish look, all you silly red carpet commentators.  There's nothing Amish about this other than the black, geez, have you not even SEEN a real Amish person? 

But the hat.  NO.

A hat should not be stuck to the back of your head.  That defeats the purpose of the hat.  It can blow off or fall off or at the very least, look goofy.  You are a lot of things, Madonna, but you should never be goofy. 

(I take this very personally... when I was 13 I was a Big Fan. I thought she was so cool I wanted to BE her.  And I wear a lot of hats.  After all this time, I still want the best for her.  And the hats.)

Theoretically, this should delight me: Madonna in white, like a virgin, snort snort see what I did there, and a cowboy hat.  But this is terrible.  You know what would have changed everything for me?  

LADY, STICK THAT DAMN HAT ON YOUR FOREHEAD.  

PUT YOUR HAND ON THE CREASE AT THE TOP, PUT THE HAT BAND ON YOUR FOREHEAD AND THEN EASE THE HAT ONTO YOUR HEAD. 

You look like a greenhorn.  

MADONNA SHOULD NEVER LOOK LIKE A GREENHORN.

Remember when she was in her equestrian phase?  Sweet baby gherkins, I felt embarrassed for her.  It was all just so embarrassing.  I was embarrassed.  I can hardly look at this.  

Also, her face.  I have always thought she's beautiful.  She's looking kind of fake now.  This makes me sad.  A face like hers could take some aging and still be interesting and beautiful.  I mean, she's Madonna, for crying out loud, she should look aging in the face and glare it down and OWN IT.  

She was never a brilliant singer, but she got the job done.  We weren't there for the singing though; we wanted the whole package, the attitude, the look, the defiance and challenge.  But keep in mind, she came up in this industry in the era of analog tape.  She still had to sing.  When the engineers were editing with razor blades and scotch tape, the pressure was on to be at least adequate.  

At least she sang live.  You know it was live.  Putting her beside Mary Lambert might have been unfair.  Tough comparison.  But she sang live.  Now all she has to do is wear her hat right.  

Pharrell wore his hat the right way but it's a ridiculous hat!

This is hilarious.

"What the heck with these robot guys?"

"This little human is wearing a silly hat."

On the red carpet, Ed Robertson from Barenaked Ladies jokingly told him he looks styled after a Canadian Mountie (big brown hat?  Red jacket?  Anybody???) and Pharrell clearly had no clue what he was talking about. 

Ed Robertson also asked Neil Young about whom he might be starstruck by, and he replied that it's really more important to him that his wife gets to dress up and look beautiful. It's all about the women. AWWWW!  SMART MAN! 

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis dressed up in unique suits that delighted me.  

Apparently, not everybody was delighted.  There was some controversy around their win for best hip hop album.  You know what?  I can't weigh in on this.  I don't know crap about hip hop.  Seriously, there is no appeal to me in a genre of music that is centred around violence and drugs and guns and misogyny and all the glamour of big money.  I can't relate.  Not all hip hop is like that, and sometimes a piece of work comes along that rises up and is interesting.  And I don't care who makes it and what colour they are.   I think these guys are interesting and their songs are great!

But also, that thing about me living under a rock.  I am clueless about Kendrick Lamar and apparently he's THE BIG DEAL. He performed with Imagine Dragons, of whom I'm aware, mostly because I have a kid in college who tells me stuff, and also because that song ended up TV as intense scene music on at least one show I get around to watching.  (There's no such thing as selling out anymore.  It's called MAKING A LIVING.)

I thought the performance with Imagine Dragons was cool, despite all the bleeping - seriously there were huge chunks of blankness - and I thought the whole cannons and pyro thing was great.  What's a show without cannons and pyro? 

But let's not forget - what's a show without Willie Nelson, Merle Haggard, and Kris Kristofferson!!

You know what we didn't need though?  Steven Tyler's facial hair.

You know how I adore him, and you know I usually like some scruff, but for some reason, not on him. He should leave it to the Highwaymen.  They do it better.  

Anyways, there was a bunch of other stuff too but it would take you almost as long to read about it as to just watch it.  Throughout the whole show we were promised a performance by members of Foo Fighters, with Queens of the Stone Age and Nine Inch Nails plus Lindsey Buckingham.  Well I was really looking forward to that.  But the DVR walked off the job before that.  Turns out if doesn't much matter since most of it got cut off anyways.  Alright, I'm looking at you, robots, for going on and on and on in your acceptance speeches!!!  I'm kidding.  They didn't say a word.  Just blew kisses with their robot gloves and shook their shoulders in silent laughter when Pharrell said cute things.  It's a long ass show and by cutting off the last performance, those in charge over there have disappointed me and infuriated Trent Reznor.  Bad idea, Grammy people.  Baaaaad idea.  

But whatever, the music industry is going through some serious painful metamorphosis, and I have no prediction what it will turn into.  

I have ideas though. We can start with the following agreements for the awards show.

1) Let Dave Grohl perform with his choice of collaborators, whichever instrument he wants to play.

2) Don't cut him off!  LET DAVE PLAY!

3) Ozzy sings instead of speaks.

4) LL Cool J does a great job hosting, for sure, but I suggest next year, Pink hosts the show, while singing, while spinning overhead like an acrobat.

5) Everybody sings live, even if they totally suck.  And we collectively agree that even if the singing isn't great, we applaud them for giving it a crack and having some guts to do it.

6) Get out the underboob shirt tape, stick it to the front of the hatband, and have a professional wrangle the hat onto Madge's head. (I charge $40/ hour.)

See ya next year, Music's Biggest Night!