What do we deserve? How do we measure that???
Do I deserve to be married to a man I love and who loves me right back? I'd like to think I do. But then does a woman who chose a crappy husband deserve what she got? What if she's a good decent person who made a bad choice. Did she get what she deserves? Now how about people who marry for love, and it works, and it's good… but by some cruel twist of fate they can't be together anymore? What if one of them is the victim of a horrible disease that robs the body and the mind, leaving him unable to communicate? Who deserves that? NOBODY. I wouldn't wish that on a worst enemy let alone a loved one. What if, god forbid, a spouse dies too soon? Nobody deserves that.
Do I deserve to live on a beautiful property in the country? Do I get to be there just because I want to be there? Because I dreamed of it and wished for it? Did I work hard enough to end up there?
What if it's not mine? What if I'm there on borrowed time and have overstayed? Is that the result of mistakes I made in my adult life, and therefore I don't deserve a permanent home?
How about my children? What good could I have done, in this life or any other, to deserve two young people that amazing and awesome and wonderful? And how, when other people have suffered because their children are in jail, or in full time institutionalized care, or missing or gone forever? My god, I am so lucky, so appreciative and I don't care if I've done anything to deserve them. I'm just thankful.
It's the same with the family I was born into. Maybe I didn't deserve them, but I got them, and it's shaped me into who I am. Blessed again. All I had to do was enter the world.
Do I deserve the privilege of being Canadian, with good health care and public education, and democracy, and no tanks rolling down my road shooting everything in the way, no bombs going off overhead?
But then, do I deserve a crooked spine and a scattered mind and a fragile constitution?
Do I deserve to be chased for most of my life by a sneaky lurking depression?
Do I deserve horses? It's not actually a god-given right.
Do I deserve a truck with squishy brakes, a car with rust spots and a broken ventilation fan?
Do I deserve that flashy fancy saddle in the barn, the one that 21 year old me would have gladly gone into debt for? The one I'll be going into debt for because I ran out of choices and had to make a decision?
(That'll be part 2.)
Maybe we don't deserve anything. Maybe we can try to work hard and make good choices, but ultimately, we get what we get, and we have to put all our effort into being thankful for whatever we can. And then deal with it.
I just have to figure out how to deal with it...