DANGIT AVRIL! Break up edition

Partly because I seem to have developed a weird obsession with Avril Lavigne (well why not? We're both Canadian, short, and have dyed our hair pink, I mean, we're much the same only slightly different degrees of annoying) and partly because I have a love/hate for Nickelback (well why not? You know you have rocked out in the car to a Nickelback song and hatefully loved about 2 minutes of it) and mostly because I haven't done a celebrity post in a looooong time… WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT CHAVRIL.

Oh my gosh, our very own evil-songwriting-genius Canadian version of Wills and Kate are breaking up.  I am not sure why this pains me so.  I don't know either of them personally.  I'm sure if I were ever to meet them it would be a perfectly pleasant exchange and at least two of the three of us would end up throwing the horns and possibly sticking out a tongue.  I would probably admit that I have never spent a penny on any of their recorded music. I am stupidly painfully honest and the mental filter doesn't always kick in on time to stop the words here. I really can't describe why as a couple they delighted me so much.

Could it be because they're so Canadian they got married on July 1st?  

Or is it because we also got married on July 1st?  We're like, anniversary buddies, if that's a thing? 

I don't know why I care.  It just made sense, I suppose.  They're two people who can relate to each other's lives, if nothing else.  I'm convinced he has a patented HIT MACHINE in his basement, probably got the idea after a drunken evening holed up in Mutt Lange's secluded mansion discussing how to rule the world by creating music that will hypnotize the global masses - I may have a wild imagination but how else do you explain some things? - and I figured once Avril parked her own HIT MACHINE beside his, or if they used all the parts to build a new, bigger HIT MACHINE, they would be an unstoppable force of hoser culture.  We'd be having a mass stage tribute at the Juno awards every year.  This is a good thing or a bad thing, depending on who you are.  

He writes ear worm music; she writes ear worm music.  He writes for middle-aged dudes and rebellious housewives; she writes for middle-aged teenagers.  She plays guitar; he plays a giant honking sparkling guitar shaped belt buckle.  I like to joke about his spangly guitars and giant belt buckles.  She has been known to do crazy things to her hair…. he, thankfully, cut his off when they got together. Avril banished the Nickelbob and for that I will always be grateful. He's better looking with short hair. Maybe I liked them as a couple because he started to look a little bit like Nic Cage and I hoped that when "National Treasure 3" finally gets made, Chad could be the long lost little brother and they would have to set part of the movie in like, Canmore Alberta, and it would be magical.  I can dream, right?

But NOT ANYMORE because Chavril is done for.  

Let's look back on happier times, mostly for me to take the opportunity to do some of that Fun Imaginary Captioning I like to do sometimes!

AVRIL: Wow, I'm like, totally, like, dude this rock weighs like, as much as I do, dude!

CHAD: Awww she's so little and cute and pretty and ten years younger than me.  

AVRIL: We're totally getting married and s@$#!!!

CHAD: Yes I am going to marry the sk8trgrl.  We're going to have a house full of guitar strings and pages of carefully crafted cliches and incredibly loud children.  We'll have a studio in our barn and make all the hicks in the music industry jealous.  I'll be numb with happiness eh?  But badass rocking happiness! 

AVRIL: ROCK ON! HARDCORE! SPIKES AND METAL AND LEATHER AND S@$%!!!!

CHAD: I know, it's hilarious eh? She's so cute and yet so badass, eh?

AVRIL: NEWLYWED! And classy. I'm like, actually waving instead of throwing the horns, man. BLACK AND WHITE CLASSY NEWLYWED ROCK ON!

CHAD: Suit and tie badass, eh? Look at my classy punk badass WIFE eh?  Dude, I'm a badass rocking newlywed man husband!

HEIDI: Remember that time in 2013 when the Juno commercials were hitting TV and there was this one with Chad and Avril at home watching TV in bed, and then Michael Buble showed up?  Oh my gosh.  Bubles.  You are so charming and cute!!! Okay I haven't spent a dime on any of his recorded music either, I just think he should host everything ever aired on TV.  Good times.  Apparently Avril wears black eyeliner to bed.  Nice jammies, Avril.  Please stop stealing my clothes.  

AVRIL: Dude, you walk like, so slow, like.

CHAD: Um, okay, I'm just still confused, eh?  What do you call that?

AVRIL: It's like, cornrows, and s#@$.  

CHAD: Um…

AVRIL: Oh my gawd, like, you're being such a dad about it.

CHAD: numb with happiness, eh? 

AVRIL: Chad Chad Chad.  Come on.  Let's go.  Chad.  

CHAD: …a shave… under? Is that what that is?  

AVRIL: Come on, let's go do some shopping and s%$#.

CHAD: Being married is great, eh?

AVRIL: Chad Chad Chad.  

CHAD: Wait, don't we have enough black spiked napkin rings already?

AVRIL: SKULL AND CROSSBONES PLACEMATS! MATCHING TABLE RUNNER AND S%#@ ROCK ON DINING ROOM WHOOOO

AVRIL: After this like, sexy photo shoot, we're totally gonna like, go down to the basement, like to that special room, and we're gonna turn on the HIT MACHINE and invent some like, totally new ear worm music!  We like, OWN the charts, mwahahahalikehahaha!

CHAD: The Chavril will rule the world.  The Chavril will globally dominate.  Being married is great eh? 

AVRIL: I am like, totally a grown up now.  I have a grown up man husband.  I have grown up hair and now I wear, like, grown up black stuff.  I write grown up songs about never growing up. I put on my eyeliner like a grown up now.  Like it goes up at the corners instead of like all the way around.  GROWN UP ROCK ON PIANO SUIT AND TIE AND S$%# YEAH HELL YEAH!

CHAD: … So I'll just go turn on the Hit Machine, eh?

Awwww.  Somewhere between the wedding pictures and the carefully planned snapshots of Chad carrying Avril's shopping (seriously, who looks that photo-ready to go shopping?  But he's a nice guy - those bags have to be heavy, maybe you're a gentleman after all) and despite the beautifully lit publicity portraits, things went kinda sad.  The grin faded.  Maybe she didn't like his belt buckles and made him stop wearing them and that zapped his powers.  Maybe they're like the Samson and Delilah of belt buckles.  

Maybe we can't tell a darn thing from photos.  He just looks kinda sad.  Chad may be a lot of things but sad should never be one of them.  

Listen folks. I'm going to tell you a secret about being married.  It's a business.  You go to bed together and accidentally say something like, "Crap we have to pay the phone bill tomorrow" or if you're Jethro and Heidi, "Did that session get invoiced? I have to go to the feed mill tomorrow and I'll take it out of my bank account but can you pay for the oil change on your car out of the business account" or if you're Chad and Avril maybe it's "Which one of us is getting up tomorrow morning to open the door for the Hit Machine Lubricant Delivery guy and is that going on your credit card or mine?"

These two have been responsible for a huge amount of CanCon music over the last 15 years.  No pressure.  They are both songwriters and musicians and I respect that even if I'm not a big fan of their music. I wonder if Global Domination isn't good for a marriage.  

Not that it really matters to my life in any way, but I'm kind of sentimental, and I have a hope that when he goes over to return her best formal skeleton hoodie, she happens to have a roll of Hit Machine paper, and they blink at each other and realize that they are meant to be together and the result is a song called, "My Horns Won't Throw Without You."  And he can start smiling with his teeth showing again.  At the very least, it will keep the Nickelbob away.  

Love These Screams Like I Do

Today I'm going to load you up to keep you busy for a few days because I'm taking a break.

Biddie, my bestest, suggested writing something funny. She's right, but I'm all outta funny! All the funny I can find is from a little Emo band called Fall Out Boy. (Their scrawny tattooed bass player was featured at the end of yesterday's post.) Here's a song title from the next album: "I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off." That's funny. I never would have come up with that on my own.

I myself have no funny. So instead, here are some classic Hick Chic pictures of me, because it's my blog dammit:Look, I have a tan.This one's from today.AND THAT'S ALL YOU GET.

Here's my venerable cat ignoring the young whippersnapper dog.
My dog turns ONE on sunday. Who's a big dog? Is it you? IS IT YOU? Is it just me or does he look drunk? (Do I look drunk?)

Speaking of drunk....I'm not. I'd like to be but I have a riding lesson tonight.

Speaking of riding...I had a great lesson on Wednesday. I may not have mentioned this, or have, but forgot: I'm taking lessons which will lead to achieving my Ontario Equestrian Federation Rider Levels and then my Instructor's Certificate. I damn near lost the will after Champ died. I knew I'd keep going without him. I knew he wouldn't last forever, and that eventually I'd have to buy another solid lesson horse. But I did not want to let him go yet!

Anyways the lesson was great because my body is getting stronger now and things were really clicking. My coach is awesome. The mare I'm leasing for the lessons is incredible. Gorgeous and well trained. She's chestnut, although not as red as Champ was...I am NOT buying another chestnut horse. Too close.

All week, with the exceptions of riding and going to see a ridiculously funny movie, I have been feeling TRAPPED.
How he looks is how I feel.

Hang on, more Johnny. Yes I need to have myself some more Johnny.
Thank you Johnny. If I had a bass I'd play it down at my knees, Duff McKagan style, not up under my chin like That Guy From Level 42. I think I just decided how I'm going to spend the next couple of hours while my children are off playing with the friends. It's Fender-knockoff-almost-stays-in-tune time.



You've all been so good to me. I appreciate all the kindness you sent me and encouragement and lots of laughs too. I never ever predicted being so moved by people I haven't actually met. (Except for you two freaks who I got hooked on this. You know who you are.) Thank you. It means a lot to me.


As long as you clean up after yourselves, feel free to party in my comments section!

Despite All My Rage, I Am Still Just A Rat In A Cage

It must be so hard to be goth in the summer. Black cloaks soak up a lot of sunlight and you know how bad the eyeliner runs when you sweat.

I mentioned the other day that my Goth Phase only lasted about two weeks. My daughter was rather surprized that there was a Goth Phase in my life. Oh yes. I was very confused.



I was listening to the Cure and Ozzy Osbourne in the same day.





This also coincided with my Drinking in the School Parking Lot Phase. Or maybe it was in my Just Trying the Weed To See If It Still Does Bad Things To Me Phase. It's all blurry now.






Anyways, I have this little dark side going on.
And today I'm giving in to it. Why ignore it. It's there. It's part of me. It's right in there with my love of the sound of a hot Chevy V8 with cherrybomb mufflers and dual exhaust. I got shades of all shades.

I realized that on My Other Blog that my last two subjects have been a film about a perv poet in Restoration period England who rots himself to death, and a record by a band fronted by a pale sharp jawed man who reminds me of Morticia Addams. And I'm about to write a review of an incredible book that I just read about magic in England in the early 19th century. Lots of mist and muttering and insanity. I find it all oddly comforting.

I think I'm having a crappy summer. I'm gonna admit it. My horse is dead, my yard is a mess, I'm broke, I still can't drive out to the farm without a paralyzing panic attack, and it's the middle of August and there might not be any time away for the little Jethro & Heidi family.

Nothing life alteringly traumatic, just crappy. Really damn crappy.


It's high maintenance to be truly extroverted with the gloom though. I can't be bothered to go hard core misery with this. I can hardly even get dressed.
So, maybe not so much deathly Goth as just Emo.

Here I am now, entertain me...

Well I had to pick up a copy of People this week. I had to, because Sandra Bullock is going to let us in on the Secrets of a Happy Marriage!
I haven't even read it yet. I got too hung up on the other stuff, including that defective beer bottle. It emptied too fast. I had another one a few hours later and it emptied too fast. Pretty tasty stuff. I digress.

First of all, Oprah says she's not gay. I don't care, Oprah. Be gay, be straight, as long as you are Living Your Best Life, (TM) and most of all as long as some day you discover my novel and plug it on your show as the Best Coming of Age Novel You've Ever Read, and despite all of the swear words, and sex scenes, and heavy drinking and drug use and Jesus, yes, Jesus, you declare publicly that Everybody Should Read This Book Because Oprah Says So, and I appear on your show and act like just in the last few hours you and I have developed a strong new friendship, like we've been buds for you know, years...causing thousands of people to buy my book and read it. That's really all I care about.

Second, Christie Brinkley . What the hell was she thinking, marrying this guy? He is clearly evil. I mean look at him. All coiffed and blow dried and fake tanned. Obviously guys like this are trouble. Wasn't it always the preppies who showed up at the party, smiled smugly as they smoked everybody's weed, then drove off in Dad's Buick Regatta with not a speck of dirt? Never caught, never punished. Teflon. Teacher's pet. Black hearted and evil to the core. I could have said at first glance that this guy would cheat on his wife with his teenage "assistant." Yeesh. Ick.

Then, Avril. Remember the old undershirt, tie and Converse combo? That's over, kids. She's all growed up now and has a Ford Models contract. She married her little rock star and they will have tiny tiny children with squeaky voices and great pitch. But there's something about the photo on the cover here that disturbed me. What is it? What? Who does she remind me of now????



I don't know what this means. Dakota Fanning plays the young Avril in Avril: The Movie? Does anybody else find this disturbing? Is it nothing?

Well I'm spent. I've successfully proven to myself once again that famous people make me look somewhat sane.


Oh! I almost forgot. Speaking of sane. He's not very much and I love him for it. Look at this jacket. LOOK AT IT. I WOULD WEAR THAT. It's like slightly cowboy, in a Grand Ole Opry kind of way. It looks like something Bob Dylan would wear. Johnny is like a Bluegrass Cowboy Pirate.

Don't Tell Me What the Poets are Doing

I'm convinced that Blogger is going to eat any priceless gems of verbal brilliance today, so instead of chancing it, I'm going to give you some other snippets of brilliance from some of my favourite songwriters. (I think only Canadian rock fans will get today's title though.) Here we go:

There's two feet of topsoil
A lttle bit of bedrock, limestone in between
A fossilized dinoaur
A little patch of crude oil
A thousand feet of granite underneath
Then there's me.
Brad Paisley, Two feet of Topsoil

I wanna leave but I just get stuck
A broken record runnin low on luck
There's heavy metal coming from your truck
I'm a (broken record runnin low on luck)
Red Hot Chili Peppers, Desecration Smile

But I've never seen a bale of hay move so fast
She was a bona fide forking genius
The Darkness, English Country Garden

Light, like the flutter of wings, feel your hollow voice rushing into me as you're longing to sing
AFI, Silver and Cold

Sanitation. Expiration date. Question Everything.
Or shut and and be the victim of authority
Green Day, Warning

The sun slips down bedding heavy behind
The front of your dress all shadowy lined
And the droning engine throbs in time
With your beating heart
Duran Duran, The Chauffer

Let's be honest you know you shouldn't bother
'cause with me it's impossible to win
Alexisonfire, Side Walk When She Walks

Have mercy on me baby Please give this heart a break
Have mercy on me baby I'll do just what it takes
You know you won't regret it
So hey there now I said it
Have mercy on me baby, have mercy
Loretta Lynn, Have Mercy

I've been defeated and brought down
Dropped to my knees when hope ran out
The time has come to change my ways
On this day I see Clearly
Everything has come to life
A bitter place and a broken dream
And we'll leave it all
Leave it all behind.
Alter Bridge, Metalingus