Oh my gosh, our very own evil-songwriting-genius Canadian version of Wills and Kate are breaking up. I am not sure why this pains me so. I don't know either of them personally. I'm sure if I were ever to meet them it would be a perfectly pleasant exchange and at least two of the three of us would end up throwing the horns and possibly sticking out a tongue. I would probably admit that I have never spent a penny on any of their recorded music. I am stupidly painfully honest and the mental filter doesn't always kick in on time to stop the words here. I really can't describe why as a couple they delighted me so much.
Could it be because they're so Canadian they got married on July 1st?
Or is it because we also got married on July 1st? We're like, anniversary buddies, if that's a thing?
I don't know why I care. It just made sense, I suppose. They're two people who can relate to each other's lives, if nothing else. I'm convinced he has a patented HIT MACHINE in his basement, probably got the idea after a drunken evening holed up in Mutt Lange's secluded mansion discussing how to rule the world by creating music that will hypnotize the global masses - I may have a wild imagination but how else do you explain some things? - and I figured once Avril parked her own HIT MACHINE beside his, or if they used all the parts to build a new, bigger HIT MACHINE, they would be an unstoppable force of hoser culture. We'd be having a mass stage tribute at the Juno awards every year. This is a good thing or a bad thing, depending on who you are.
He writes ear worm music; she writes ear worm music. He writes for middle-aged dudes and rebellious housewives; she writes for middle-aged teenagers. She plays guitar; he plays a giant honking sparkling guitar shaped belt buckle. I like to joke about his spangly guitars and giant belt buckles. She has been known to do crazy things to her hair…. he, thankfully, cut his off when they got together. Avril banished the Nickelbob and for that I will always be grateful. He's better looking with short hair. Maybe I liked them as a couple because he started to look a little bit like Nic Cage and I hoped that when "National Treasure 3" finally gets made, Chad could be the long lost little brother and they would have to set part of the movie in like, Canmore Alberta, and it would be magical. I can dream, right?
But NOT ANYMORE because Chavril is done for.
Let's look back on happier times, mostly for me to take the opportunity to do some of that Fun Imaginary Captioning I like to do sometimes!
AVRIL: Wow, I'm like, totally, like, dude this rock weighs like, as much as I do, dude!
CHAD: Awww she's so little and cute and pretty and ten years younger than me.
AVRIL: We're totally getting married and s@$#!!!
CHAD: Yes I am going to marry the sk8trgrl. We're going to have a house full of guitar strings and pages of carefully crafted cliches and incredibly loud children. We'll have a studio in our barn and make all the hicks in the music industry jealous. I'll be numb with happiness eh? But badass rocking happiness!
AVRIL: ROCK ON! HARDCORE! SPIKES AND METAL AND LEATHER AND S@$%!!!!
CHAD: I know, it's hilarious eh? She's so cute and yet so badass, eh?
AVRIL: NEWLYWED! And classy. I'm like, actually waving instead of throwing the horns, man. BLACK AND WHITE CLASSY NEWLYWED ROCK ON!
CHAD: Suit and tie badass, eh? Look at my classy punk badass WIFE eh? Dude, I'm a badass rocking newlywed man husband!
HEIDI: Remember that time in 2013 when the Juno commercials were hitting TV and there was this one with Chad and Avril at home watching TV in bed, and then Michael Buble showed up? Oh my gosh. Bubles. You are so charming and cute!!! Okay I haven't spent a dime on any of his recorded music either, I just think he should host everything ever aired on TV. Good times. Apparently Avril wears black eyeliner to bed. Nice jammies, Avril. Please stop stealing my clothes.
AVRIL: Dude, you walk like, so slow, like.
CHAD: Um, okay, I'm just still confused, eh? What do you call that?
AVRIL: It's like, cornrows, and s#@$.
AVRIL: Oh my gawd, like, you're being such a dad about it.
CHAD: numb with happiness, eh?
AVRIL: Chad Chad Chad. Come on. Let's go. Chad.
CHAD: …a shave… under? Is that what that is?
AVRIL: Come on, let's go do some shopping and s%$#.
CHAD: Being married is great, eh?
AVRIL: Chad Chad Chad.
CHAD: Wait, don't we have enough black spiked napkin rings already?
AVRIL: SKULL AND CROSSBONES PLACEMATS! MATCHING TABLE RUNNER AND S%#@ ROCK ON DINING ROOM WHOOOO
AVRIL: After this like, sexy photo shoot, we're totally gonna like, go down to the basement, like to that special room, and we're gonna turn on the HIT MACHINE and invent some like, totally new ear worm music! We like, OWN the charts, mwahahahalikehahaha!
CHAD: The Chavril will rule the world. The Chavril will globally dominate. Being married is great eh?
AVRIL: I am like, totally a grown up now. I have a grown up man husband. I have grown up hair and now I wear, like, grown up black stuff. I write grown up songs about never growing up. I put on my eyeliner like a grown up now. Like it goes up at the corners instead of like all the way around. GROWN UP ROCK ON PIANO SUIT AND TIE AND S$%# YEAH HELL YEAH!
CHAD: … So I'll just go turn on the Hit Machine, eh?
Awwww. Somewhere between the wedding pictures and the carefully planned snapshots of Chad carrying Avril's shopping (seriously, who looks that photo-ready to go shopping? But he's a nice guy - those bags have to be heavy, maybe you're a gentleman after all) and despite the beautifully lit publicity portraits, things went kinda sad. The grin faded. Maybe she didn't like his belt buckles and made him stop wearing them and that zapped his powers. Maybe they're like the Samson and Delilah of belt buckles.
Maybe we can't tell a darn thing from photos. He just looks kinda sad. Chad may be a lot of things but sad should never be one of them.
Listen folks. I'm going to tell you a secret about being married. It's a business. You go to bed together and accidentally say something like, "Crap we have to pay the phone bill tomorrow" or if you're Jethro and Heidi, "Did that session get invoiced? I have to go to the feed mill tomorrow and I'll take it out of my bank account but can you pay for the oil change on your car out of the business account" or if you're Chad and Avril maybe it's "Which one of us is getting up tomorrow morning to open the door for the Hit Machine Lubricant Delivery guy and is that going on your credit card or mine?"
These two have been responsible for a huge amount of CanCon music over the last 15 years. No pressure. They are both songwriters and musicians and I respect that even if I'm not a big fan of their music. I wonder if Global Domination isn't good for a marriage.
Not that it really matters to my life in any way, but I'm kind of sentimental, and I have a hope that when he goes over to return her best formal skeleton hoodie, she happens to have a roll of Hit Machine paper, and they blink at each other and realize that they are meant to be together and the result is a song called, "My Horns Won't Throw Without You." And he can start smiling with his teeth showing again. At the very least, it will keep the Nickelbob away.