2014 OSCAR BLOG REPORT!!!!!!!!!

I watch, so you can go to bed...

Nothing horrible happened last night!  Nobody wore anything truly hideous, nor anything stupendously perfect, nobody tripped up the stairs (although J Law apparently tripped after getting out of the car, which I guess just had to happen, or the universe would crumble...) and pretty much all the awards went where you expected. And you know what, some people were lovely and wonderful and made me feel better about life in general.

As usual, I did not actually leave the ol' Homestead and fork over the cash to see any of these movies.  But at the very least I can tell you which ones I think look good.  That's gotta count, right?

LUPITA!  Are we all in love with Lupita now?  I hadn't heard of this girl a few months ago but she's been showing up on the awards show circuit looking flawless.  I have no idea if she's a good actor.  I don't think I can stomach the movie.  I can't watch people being abused.  But I'm so glad she won because SHE IS AMAZING.  She's charming and articulate and seems so authentic and intelligent.  And she is so beautiful.  Her skin is luminous.  She just comes off like something special.

Let's talk about how she looks!

This dress is some light doesn't quite look as spectacular as it did on TV.  It's a gorgeous blue that's both peaceful and invigorating.  If I had one complaint, it's a very picky one, and that's my opinion that for a woman this thin I wouldn't choose such a plunging V neck.  I'm averse to seeing chest bones.  But it's really not a big deal because everything else is perfect.  

Do yourself a favour and look up her speech somewhere out there.  It's wonderful.  "...no matter where you're from, your dreams are valid."

I have a bit of a problem with "If you can dream it you can do it" and "you can make all of your dreams come true" and anything else that advises you to follow your dreams even if they are wildly unrealistic.  Like, I'm 5'1" and if I desperately wanted to play professional basketball, it would take a lot more than a strong belief in my dreams to get me there.  Luckily I don't want to play basketball.  But I like being told that my dreams are valid.  They're mine.  They are what they are.  So, thanks, pretty young lady who speaks with clarity and eyes sparkling with grateful tears!

Ellen had to make a few comments as well about PRETTY.  Jared Leto is the prettiest.  

And McConaughey is "dirty pretty" and I cannot argue with any of that. 

Now we must discuss Jared Leto (I promise you more McYummyhey later.)

I have decided that this man delights me.  I haven't really watched much of his work and am indifferent at best to his music but he's been so composed and cool about this whole awards race thing.  And of course, I do love a scruffy pretty man with long hair.  It's kind of my thing.

And also, Euro Jesus.  

Spooky eh?  I have issues with depicting Jesus as a handsome white guy, but I still think it's funny. 

And also also, Buddy Jesus.

I'm sorry Jesus!!  I'm sorry Jared!!  I succumbed to the temptation!  

But seriously, I loved his acceptance speech.  As soon as he started talking about a small American town in 1971 where a teenage girl was about to have her second baby, I was weeping.  

You can see where he got his good looks.  She is gorgeous.  I love her silver hair!

Here's the whole family.

He was slick, the way he managed to give his mom so much gratitude and also sneak in his band and then some political stuff which I wasn't entirely sure who he was talking about but it sounded quite globally aware... And above all, he came off humble and gracious and confident.  

Let's have another look.  

Isn't this great?  Formal, but the red bow tie is a nice surprise.  

Speaking of guys who brought Mom...

Leonardo DiCaprio's mom looks like a scream and a half!  I mean, he's pretty much all Gatsby all the time.  It works on him.  She looks like a party all the time.  With healthy maternal discipline and encouragement and maybe sometimes cookies.  

Speaking of cookies... Ellen asked if anybody was hungry.  This resulted in a pizza delivery.  

Honestly I never know with her if something is a comedy bit or if she just forgot temporarily where she is.  That's her style.  But you know how the Golden Globes take place at tables with food and booze?  Or for sure booze at least; do we ever actually see anybody eat?  Being a klutz myself, I can't think about all these people dressed in expensive clothes that were probably loaned to them and have to be given back, eating sloppy food.   Let's face it, all food is sloppy when you're dressed up. Unless the Famous just don't ever get any food on them.  I don't know about you, but it ain't a party until I spill something.  (Maybe just not tipping the bottle in the first place would cut down the chances of knocking the damn bottle over, but I digress...)

I love the pizza gag because my son Bucky has recently become a pizza delivery guy.  He comes home with great stories about getting a 3 cent tip from a little old lady, which is especially funny considering we technically don't have pennies anymore up here in the great white north, and also the house that was full of weed smoke and the guy who who had to hunt around his motel room to find a tip and gave a half a roll of quarters.  I like to imagine this kid went home and told his mom about this very weird delivery.  

Here's Brad chowing down like a man.  

And here's Meryl, a woman who is not afraid of... well anything, especially not being seen worldwide eating a slice of pizza.  Meryl, you win at everything!

I thought overall Ellen was pretty funny.  

She is capable of mocking without deeply offending, usually.  Hers is a laid back and mostly gentle style of comedy.  

Although, I can't help but wonder if Liza Minnelli is ordering some form of punishment for the crack about the excellent Liza Minnelli impersonation, good job sir.

Seriously?  I thought Liza looked smashing!

That colour is so vibrant especially with her fair skin, her makeup is perfect and HER HAIR!  That blue streak!!!  So sassy and fun!!! 

Check her out, all attitude.  

Toodles, darlings.

I have one complaint.  Always, eh?  Am I ever happy?  I just really believe in undergarments.  I want the best for everybody, and truly honestly believe that everybody loves boobs and we should be good to boobs.  Give them the support they need.  And I say this despite having not much to talk about, personally.  But otherwise, I love this outfit, on her, and if anybody on the planet can successfully wear a bright blue satin pants outfit that seems vaguely pyjamas-esque, it is Liza Minnelli.  

Not so successful?  Whoopi.

Can you believe I don't like this?  I have those stockings in a drawer.  I sometimes wear them.  And I would rock the heck out of those ridiculous red shoes.  But this ain't working.  

There was a big ol "Wizard Of Oz" tribute and I will now confess that I haven't seen it and probably never will.  Even though it obviously was a cinematic game changer and still looks amazing, I just don't get it.  I mean, I know the story, it's fine, I just don't think I need to sit through it.  Is there something wrong with me?

And now that we're in the Something Wrong Department, which we arrived at after going through the Be Good To Your Boobs Department:

Why can't we get Anne Hathaway right?  Seriously, a good looking woman with that face, with her strong features?  Why must she always look like her chest is on its way to her waist?  Why??? I'd like this dress if it didn't let her down like this.  (See what I did there?)

And Julia!

Hers is one of the most expressive faces in the business.  Doesn't this face deserve a better chest?  That's some sag.  Well there's a lot wrong in this department but her face and hair are looking good, so whatever.  She's Julia Roberts.  She will bounce back from this.  

So we leave the Something Wrong Department and head over to the Meh Department.  

Here's another woman with a stunning face who's wearing something kind of okay but not really but it's okay on her I guess.  

It looked at first like it was barely hanging on and I don't like that non-colour at all.  

But the smile helps a lot.  

While we're still in the Meh Department, we'll stop in on Cate Blanchett, who frustrates me.  

Again, hair and face perfect - what is it with these women getting things right from the neck up only?  I guess I should just be happy they got that far.  This dress looks from a distance like she sprouted a skirt out of her skin and then it all grew sparkly barnacles.  It looks itchy.  Cate, stop wearing things that make me itchy, please.  What if this was an actual colour?  That would change everything for me.  

What did you think of her speech?  She's obviously a graceful lady.  But I sure hope she and Julia are good enough friends that Julia can handle the suck it bit.  

I am always aware that these people are actors.  Sometimes I don't think I can trust a word they say.  Sometimes I want to believe them; other times I hope they're full of it.  

You know who I really hope is as awesome as she appears?  Jennifer Lawrence.  

She ain't a joke, folks.  

Jennifer Lawrence hit the stage to present and stopped, proving herself to be a public relations nightmare and a welcome remedy to the perfection of Hollywood, looked over at someone in the audience and demanded to know if they were laughing at her.  And just when I was afraid this was going sideways into discomfort territory, she squinted and grinned and said, "I'm watching you."

And she looks fantastic in this.  I don't even hate the hip flaps.  Not crazy about the stern hairdo but as we've already established, I'm just never happy.  

They're happy though so that's good.

Anyways, one of the main functions for me, of the Oscars, is to make up my list of movies I want to see.  I want to see American Hustle because I suspect it's funny and I like the clothes.  (I might need ideas for my once a year party!) I want to see Dallas Buyers Club because... what the heck is going on with that?  I gotta know.  And, most of all, I want to see Nebraska.  Crusty old feller on a road trip to get his millions of dollars? Bruce Dern with his straggly halo, shot in black and white?  Yep.   

Man, June Squibb seems like a little bundle of awesome!  

And then there's Bette Midler.  She sang a song after the Memoriam.  Guess what song.  Just guess.  Yeah, that one.  

Well, she's one of a kind and irreplaceable.  But I could have done without. She sang it well, of course, but she was backed up by a cheesy recording that sounded like cheap karaoke. Another confession: I kind of hate that backhanded compliment of a song.  Must have been cold there in my shadow?  But it's okay because you're important.  In relation to my own importance.  Blech.  I mean, she was great, other than the part where she tried to flyyyyyyyyy with one arm.

Seriously, the Memoriam was nicely done.  Sad, of course.  But thoughtful.  

And since we're discussing singing, here's the beautiful Idina Menzel, or as John Travolta calls her, ADELE DEMEZZUMELDUMA.

Well, it seemed like every other presenter messed up, so I don't know if the teleprompter was being cranky or what.  It can't be that everybody's hair was strangling their brains.  

Guys?  Let's be honest.  This was slightly painful.  

But hey - credit for doing it live!!!!

It's okay though because we have Pink.

Yes.

Pharrell also performed, this time in the same outfit as at the Grammys but in black, because y'know, the Oscars are more formal.  However, at some point in the day he forgot his pants.  

Shhhhhh.  Don't embarrass him.

U2 performed a stripped down version of their song, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  This is why they're one of the best bands in the world.  

They didn't win.  

The song from "Frozen" won, after Adele Menzemelem worked her way through it.  It's a good song, even if I preferred the U2 song, and the acceptance speech from Anderson-Lopez and Lopez was adorable.

You charming little songwriters!

Let's have some more charming moments to wrap this thing up.

Joseph Gordon Levitt and Emma Watson presented together, which was almost too much charm for one show, but just enough.

Barkhad Abdi

"Look at me.  Look at me.  I am the captain now."

I read somewhere that he improvised that line.  I have to find ways to work that into my everyday conversations.  

McConaughey's entire speech.  Actually just him in general. 

I've always found him appealing and the way he loves his wife and kids makes him even sweeter.  

They look so lovely together.  Nice couple - I hope they stay together forever.  I'm sentimental that way.

But this is my favourite couple of the day.

I don't know what opportunity brought June Squibb and Jared Leto together, but since I've decided I like the both, this delights me.  

Here's a look at two classy elegant ladies who didn't win awards but who cares, because they looked like Frickin' Movie Stars!

Amy Adams

Sandra Bullock

And here's Jennifer Garner in a dress that my 7 year old self vowed to wear, someday...

I just love fringes.  

You know what I really love the most about the Oscars?

Awards are given out to everybody who has importance to the making of movies, and that means so many more people than just the faces you end up watching.  The production designers, costumers, cinematographers, sound mixers, editors, everybody needed to make this beast of an industry function.  They get to stand up there on the same stage and thank their families and loved ones for putting up with the long work days and obsessive careers.  I think most viewers would prefer to cut this all out, but I don't find it boring at all to see the "nobodies" get their awards.  They're not nobodies to me.  I know what it's like to be thanked by one of those guys for putting up with his insane career choice... this is where it all matters.  

And finally.

I don't know how this happened, and I don't really care, but I think it's the perfect way to wrap this thing up...

U2 being photobombed by Benedict Cumberbatch.

That's all, goodnight folks!!!

I have to spout off about the "Son Of God" movie. I have to.

I'm probably not going to go see this movie, because I read the book.  The book was pretty good.  Hard read, but interesting.  I highly recommend it.

You know how Shakespeare wasn't big on stage directions?  The Bible is like that.  It's pretty vague.  It's not really all that adaptable for the big screen, but every few years somebody else can't resist the challenge and we get treated to another movie.  Each one of them is apparently the best, most accurate, most inspired and inspiring, and will probably change your life.  

And all I can think is... CAN WE FOR ONCE GET A GUY TO PLAY JESUS WHO MIGHT LOOK ANYTHING CLOSE TO WHAT JESUS MIGHT HAVE LOOKED LIKE?

I'm pretty sure actual Jesus didn't look like a gorgeous Portuguese tall handsome fellow.  Did I mention he's gorgeous?

We don't have any idea what Jesus looked like.  There are absolutely no descriptions of him, not his height, anything.  It's better that way, I think.  Having any clues to his appearance would take away from the message.  

Either way though, it's probably safe to say that as he came from the Middle East, he'd probably not have looked like good ol classic Euro Jesus.  

I mean, COME ON.

This Jesus looks like Brad Pitt.  

So I'm contradicting myself badly, because in one breath I'm saying it's better to not even try to picture him, but then I say if we do he should look like a brown skinned Middle Eastern guy with a big black beard. I'm sure they could find an actor from somewhere around the Holy Land who'd be nice to look at for two hours. Or maybe not be nice to look at.  Maybe he'd be right homely.  Does it matter?   But would that even matter what colour his skin and hair and eyes are?  I know Jewish people who are fair haired and green eyed.  So maybe I'm full of it anyways. I don't know what I'm saying!  

I get the impression that the producers of this movie have the best intentions.  They want to bring this important story to the world, to people who might not know it.  

BUT.  Inevitably somebody is going to snicker.  I hate to say it, but that somebody is probably going to be me.  Yes, me, raised Christian and prays all the time and doesn't read the book enough, and goes to church and leaves with all kinds of questions.  It's looking like I'm going to mock a movie that I don't even intend to see.  How hypocritical and unfair of me.  

Gimme a break.  I saw a clip this morning in which Jesus assures his mother as he's been dragged away to his torturous death.  She gasps, "my son"  OF COURSE because that's how Movie-Mary talks, and in his Movie Vaguely Fake British Accent, Jesus replies, "Dewn't be afraid... oll things ah pussible... with Gode...."

And I'm rolling my eyes, then thinking, well what the hell else are they going to sound like?  We don't know, so we get the default which is the Movie Vaguely Fake British Accent.  

In searching up pictures to steal, (sorry Jesus) I came across a few interesting things I couldn't ignore.  Such as: the actor is disturbed that he's being called Hot Jesus. Forehead slap.  Again, he seems to have had the best intentions here, but did nobody think of it that at some point *** SPOILER ALERT *** they're going to have to strip this guy down to a loincloth.  Sure he'll be hanging there to be tortured but  I guarantee some numbskull is going to say, "Oooooh he looks so sexy in that crown of thorns."  It is already happening, apparently.  Poor Hot Jesus is uncomfortable with this and so am I!!!!

The other disturbing plot point is that they producers decided to cut Satan out of the story.  For reasons, which I don't even what to get into.  They're spinning it that they wanted to focus on Jesus.  I have a hard time with this.  You cut out Satan, you miss out on a big part of the story.  The whole scene where *** SPOILER ALERT *** Satan tempts Jesus in the garden, tries to convince him to just skip this whole sacrificial thing where he'll be *** SPOILER ALERT *** hung up and tortured to death, that whole scene, is so powerful.  

But, we get this:

"I hear what you're saying, and I'm going to answer your question... with another question.  Because that's what I do."

"Yeah man, you should totally follow me! WE'RE GOING ON TOUR!!!"

"Dudes, we need a theme song.  Like, Bad To The Bone, except that I'm not, so let's think up something else, like, something by Rage Against The Machine.  I actually am raging against the machine that is the Roman Empire."

Later today I will show this picture to my son and he'll tell me about that time last year in comm-tech class where he made the middle of his left hand disappear in a video so we could read the newspaper through his hand.  I predict Bucky The Nerd will explain that all you need is a glob of green putty and it's like a green screen in the palm of your hand.  

 If you go see it, and you love it, I will not mock you.  Hopefully anybody who sees it, gets something positive out of it.  And possibly for being so snarky about this, I might go to hell.

But in the meantime, I'm going to cherish this picture, because if this fella showed up with his big grin and great hair, I'd be like, cool, let's go road trip.  Tell me some stories, man.  Are we doing potluck, cuz I think I can dig up some bread and I guess we can catch some fish.  It'll be fun.

(I'm probably a giant grouch, and this movie will be interesting, and why not?  If you're looking for epic source material, this would be it.  I kind of hope it'll be good.  You'll have to tell me.)