The Hick Chic Guide to Holding a Yard Sale

My first piece of advice would be, "Don't."  Like, you really just want to get rid of your stuff, right?  It's a long day in the sun for not much money.  But then I'm lazy and non-materialistic so maybe don't take my word for it.

Important:  Don't hold a yard sale in the country.  Few people driving by at 100kph will stop to see if you are selling anything they want.

Instead, have it at your sister's house!!  Sweetie lives on a nice crescent in town where about three other yard sales are going on.  Plus it's the big annual Mennonite Relief Sale and you're guaranteed at least five old order families stopping by with their wagons full of the spoils of their day.  (Honestly these folks scoop the bargains.)

If your sister happens to have a little feline visitor making regular stops in her garden, even better.

Doesn't matter who the cute little thing belongs to... she doesn't make disgusting piles in the flowerbeds or use Sweetie's deck as a scratching post so it's all okay!

Also useful: make the younguns run the sale.  Officially that is.  See, I stuck around to make sure all went well, but they were in charge of the cash.  They did all the greeting and smiling.  I sat in the shade and read a good book.  And petted somebody else's cat.  The upside is that the kids can use this cash for school trips and other things they need. Downside - not nearly enough.  

Annyong and Bucky were great though.  They didn't fight with each other and were very polite to anybody who wandered up, picked up a few things and shook them, then left.

(I can't believe we ended up with like, four boxes of books.  WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BUY BOOKS FOR NEXT TO NOTHING????  Geez, I took two books and two bibles home with me, and I was aiming to get rid of stuff! Books, people!)

Have enough supplies on hand for comfort.  Obviously you need tape and scissors and a marker and maybe some bags to send stuff home with people as well as water and snacks.  You also need sunscreen.  And hats.  And maybe bandannas to soak up the forehead sweat.  How about a deck of cards for those long stretches of boredom?  Not for me.  I don't get cards.  (It wasn't a Mennonite thing...)  

Speaking of which, I went down to the Sale to get some apple fritters.  Mmmmmm.  Also speaking of which, the old order families crack me up.  They have these homebuilt buggies with rubber tires, probably with pickup truck axles at each end of the buggy... they're loooong like cargo vans.  The team of horses are never all brushed up and groomed but incredibly fit.  The horses stop, a few people get off the buggy and come up to check out the goods.  The men wear straw hats, the women wear print dresses and amazing colourful bonnets.  My grandma made me one like that when I was a kid.  I was very un-Christian and coveted a bonnet like that.  I'd wear it.  I'm not kidding.  

When the last person is back on the buggy, the horses start walking.  They KNOW.  They know when everybody's accounted for.

By the end of the day, those buggies are FULL.  I mean, it's like the Beverley Hillbillies.  Not kidding.  Tables, blackboards, playpens, strollers, a box fan (clearly somebody's packin' some electricity at home) and the kitchen sink.  Seriously, one guy had a whole kitchen countertop including the double sink strapped to the side of the buggy.  The kids leaned their elbows on it.  

Also the seats are van seats.  AWESOME.  I would totally go parts chasin' in one of those buggies.  Lucky.  

But I am not a profesh yard sale haunter.  I'm even worse at holding one.  Anyways.  

So other than the above mentions suggestions, make the objects for sale look nice on the tables, make sure it's clean and blah blah blah.  

After twelve noon, everything's half price.  Auction the stuff if you have to, do two for one, whatever, just try to move the stuff.  

It's like this folks:  if we packrats don't want this stuff anymore, chances are nobody else does either.

Unless it's free.  We moved a few things out of the free box.

The kids each made about $20.  

As much as I would have liked to, I did not take the cute calico, with her half black tabby half orange tabby face, home with me.  

THIS WEEK IN HICK LIFE

I added "amateur cat vet" to my list of things I don't get paid to do

Moe is doing great!  He's always happy to see us when we check on him and he's trying to stand.  He's shaky and not putting any weight on the injured leg but it's a start.  The wound is closing but still uuuugly.  I am amazed at his tolerance and resilience.  This cat has the happiest attitude ever... and a heck of a will to live!

My kid turned 16

Still absorbing this... gimme another week ok?

Most of the farmers did the first cut of hay

Dude, it's MAY.  Way early.  But who cares man, this means it smells like hay everywhere and I looove that!

It was really hot this week. I sweated a lot.  Went through three changes of clothes in a day.

How unpleasant.  Here, have a nice picture of Johnny Depp to clear your mind.  He looks cooool.  Ignore the gun under his arm.  Maybe he's just happy to see us.

My horses got their tetanus shots this week.

And then the next day I got mine.  When I say I feel their pain, I mean it.  But they don't have to steer with their necks so I get to win the pity party.

Only went to the dump once this week.

And I came home with a nasty trucker tan on my left arm. This was before the tetanus shot, back when I could freely hang my arm out the window while zooming down the road with the ol' 60mph air-conditioning going, if you know what I mean.

American Idol is done, and so is Grumpy Uncle Simon, but Paula Abdul was back! to say all kinds of sweet things.

Awww.  She looked like a pink cupcake as her magical unicorn dust swirled through the air.  Actually I didn't see any of it, because...

I dragged my bestest friend to an author reading.

She is such a good sport, because she didn't know this author at all.  It was a great excuse for us to both get out in the evening, plus we both have a couple of anxiety issues, and we can face our fears together!!!  Also she didn't laugh at me for being completely starstruck to meet Guy Gavriel Kay.  

Afterwards we sat outside with her man and daughter and five bouncy little dogs.  OMG Biddie is like Sharon Osbourne with the little dogs!  I just thought of that now!  

It's nice to be living closer to her.  We still don't get to see each other much but it's better than before.  

There's this show called LOST which I decided after the first two episodes not to commit to because I didn't have enough time.

In January the kids and I gave in.  We figured it didn't matter if we didn't know what was going on because those who watched consistently didn't know either, it seemed.  We taped the finale so we could watch it together.  We're only halfway through.  See?

I found the nicest, most level place to put that pool we promised we'd get when we moved out to the country.

It's away from the road, not to close to trees that will fill the pool with leaves, and flat enough ground to avoid doing any grading.  Problems: can't shell out the $ for that inflatable pool right now (see above with the horses and cats and vets); not sure if we can run electrical for pool pump down there in the yard; not sure if solar powered pumps are available or if we can afford it; and we have this little technicality...

THIS is currently taking up pool space.  Anybody want a nice 80s vintage plow truck?  It's a 4x4!!!

16

I carbon copied myself and added in the best of her daddy, and look what we got.

Incredibly hip, chic, and stylin' at all times

Hardworking (when she feels like it...)

Talented

Very pretty

Awesome

Super Cool Kid

Awesomer

a Jedi who doesn't need a light sabre or this mysterious "force" you speak of because she can just look at people and they're defeated in the blink of an eye!!!!

Also, she is so cool that she owns a pterodactyl  and it has unfortunately acquired a taste for small children which is why she can't let people bring their kids to see it even though it's so cool because it might eat them. 

Also, she wrote Mozart's 40th symphony thingy (whatever it's called, you know, the one that's like "do do do do do do dododoooo, do do do do do dododooooo..." yeah, that one.) Anyway, she wrote that way back in the 1500s or whenever that was, and let Mozart take the credit. HA! NOW THE WORLD KNOWS. 

Also, that was her who wrote all those awesome things and NO, they are NOT outrageous claims like how I invented the question mark!! 

....yep, she's special.

HEY, I THINK I RESENT THAT

a blog post in list form: I would really like to tell you...

... about our little orange and white barn cat, Moe.  He dragged himself home - literally dragged, since his hind end is sort of not working - with a nasty wound on one hind leg.  After a vet visit, he's been recovering in a clean empty stall, purring happily whenever we go check on him and take care of him. He's not out of danger yet but we're all cheering for him.  He's amazing.

...why I'm so blasted busy these days.  But in between dump runs and laundry (why do dirty clothes breed so fast?) I find myself with hardly any time to do anything else.

...that it's okay to be this kind of busy, because it's all for a better future.  (Yeah, I'm totally serious!)

...about our sweet little mare.  She's got troubles of her own but man, I love that horse.

...all about that fantastic trip to Newfoundland we took in April, where we did cool stuff and met awesome people and enjoyed the unique culture.  I'd go back in a heartbeat.

...that I watched American Idol all season, most of it anyways. In between dashing down to the cellar to switch the laundry, rushing in from the barn, and other end-of-the-day stuff I caught enough of the show to know that this young woman (yeah I'm gonna say it) rocks my SOX.

... and that as much as I dig Ellen, I miss crazy Paula, and Simon is breaking my heart.  Darn it you sarcastic mean ol' Englishman.  

...everything.  I'd like to tell you everything.  But I have to sleep too.  

I'll tell you about these things.  I will.  

Sometimes you really need a long hot bath.

I'm just saying.

Man, time flies and all that crap.

You might be wondering what's going on here in my neck of the woods.  I'd love to tell you all about it, but I have to load up my truck and go to the dump.  I'd show pictures, but I can't figure out how to get them off my iGadget into the macbook so you can see them.  I'm exhausted and excited and reeeeeally busy.

I feel like I'm way behind here... I still want to tell you about our trip to St John's Newfoundland, and that was over a month ago!  I can't believe it's the middle of May already!

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY FIRSTBORN CHILD IS TURNING 16 IN A WEEK.

I mean, sometimes I think of her and in my mind she's tiny, stomping around on her little legs, pointing to things with her double jointed finger, smiling so big her cheeks are wider than her face.  I've almost gotten used to her being taller than me.  (Yeah I know, it's been like that for a long time now.)  Now, I look up and see this gorgeous willowy young lady and kind of lose track of time for a split second.  That's my kid.  That beautiful girl is my kid.

She's been driving the truck around the yard and doing quite well, much better than I'd expected.

She wants to write her test on her birthday and get her G1 (beginner's) license.

Wow.

Just wow.

(How'd I get this old?)

RONNIE JAMES DIO Rock in Peace...

Reasons why he was awesome, in the true sense of the word, and why he'll be remembered as one of the most important singers in rock history:

NOBODY ELSE SOUNDED OR LOOKED LIKE HIM

He could appear absolutely evil, with his sharp eyebrows and mass of dark curly hair.  As he aged, his hair thinned and made him look even more frightening.  Pair that with his note-perfect wail and you got one impressive front man.

In real life, he was polite, articulate and had a winning smile.  I never got to see him perform, and yeah, I regret that.

A SMALL MAN WITH A HUGE VOICE

As some of you may already know, I myself am not very big.  This guy is like a hero to me - only shoulder high to his bandmates but on stage, larger than life!  It's like his whole body was filled with that magnificent voice.  He is unmistakeable.  

HE WAS ALWAYS WORKING, AND CONSISTENTLY SOUNDING PERFECT

For the last couple years, he was recording and touring with Heaven And Hell.

Some rock history for you: this is a later version of Black Sabbath.

They took the band name from the title of their first album together, after Ozzy left the band.  They don't call themselves Black Sabbath because that's the Ozzy Osbourne-fronted band.  Heaven And Hell toured, and last year made a blistering studio album.  It'll be the last one, sadly.

But Dio fronted several bands in his career, as well as a few solo albums.



HE WAS INTO RAINBOWS AND DRAGONS AND SWORDS AND STUFF BUT WAS STILL INFINITELY HAAAAVY

He was the singer for this band, formed by the guitarist formerly of Deep Purple.  This record contains a lyric about a "rainbow in the dark."  Think about that for a minute.

Jethro has this on vinyl and in the late 80s we used to listen to it in his "band room."  Good times.

HIS RECORDS HAVE SOME OF THE SCARIEST COVERS THIS SIDE OF IRON MAIDEN

What in the disturbing heck is going on here???  Scared the snot outta me when I was 17 but what a cool piece of work this album is.  Jethro had this on cassette.  We'd listen to it in his '67 Strato Chief.  See that logo?  Jethro drew that on his school notebooks.  Badass.

Twenty years has sort of eased the scare factor on that cover art.  But age hadn't dulled these guys at all.  In 2009 they came out with possibly the friggin scariest album art EVER.

 So Jethro bought it on iTunes so I only have to listen to it and not look at it.  I don't listen to it nearly often enough because I kind of don't really know how it works, so um, I have to get somebody to burn a disc.  Then we can listen to it in our VW Jetta.  Yeah we have a respectable car now but damn it feels good to crank up something that makes your ribs tremble.


I felt guilty about something, even though I wasn't sure what exactly, when I looked at this record.

I mean, that's just not right, is it?  Jethro had this on vinyl too.  Of course he did.  We'd sit on his wrecked couch and listen to this.  Other people would debate on which singer was better in Black Sabbath: Ozzy or Dio?  I never thought that should be a debate.  My world was big enough for both.

HE IS WIDELY CREDITED WITH INVENTING/POPULARIZING THE "DEVIL HORNS". 

He explained that his tiny Italian immigrant grandmother, would often make a gesture with her hand to ward off the "evil eye."  He just adapted it to look like a set of horns.

And it totally worked for him.

HE WAS RESPECTFUL TO HIS AUDIENCE

I love the Heaven And Hell DVD.  Dio never uses that stupid "rock voice"  and you know the one I'm talking about.  howz everay body to-NIGHT-ah?  He spoke to his fans in his real speaking voice, New Yawk accent and all.  He was real.

HE COULD WEAR SPARKLY STUFF WITH BELL SLEEVES AND STILL BE RIGHTEOUS.

How many dudes can get away with this????


HE WAS AWESOME AND WE'LL MISS HIM.

Is this what's meant by the term "Hot Mess?"

Because if so, I'm all for it.  I think "Hot Mess" should be part of our daily lives.  I think this is both HOT and A MESS which when put together is a good combination.

You might be asking why this is today's topic, other than the excuse to put up a picture of this handsome fella.

I'll tell you why.  It's because I've spent most of this week sweating.  It's not particularly hot here in my neck of the woods, but I've been sweating like a horse.  Trust me, that's a large amount of sweat.

The ongoing Clean-up Project here at the farm is at full-on, hardcore, ON A MISSION FROM GOD intensity.  I'm out there flinging bits of metal into the trailer, throwing bags of garbage into the truck, sweeping up ancient mouldy straw, and moving things I probably shouldn't be moving.  I'm wearing either coveralls or overalls, depending on the temperature.  I'm wearing a hat to cover my hair and keep it out of my eyes while I work.  I'm wearing a dust mask over my face; pretty much the majority of my child-sized face is covered.

The sweat drips soaks into the brim of my hat and then drips down my nose, inside that stupid mask, and trickles into my lips.  More drips go slithering down my neck.  I can feel my shirt getting wet under my coveralls.  

My ol' man swaggers along to give the go-ahead for stuff to get pitched out.  He does most of the heavy lifting.  He goes off to do a landscaping job between my trips to the dump.  And get this- he doesn't break a sweat.  I may look like him but I didn't inherit his coolness.

The mess in the barn slowly works itself out... engine blocks in the corner, bumpers and hoods up against the wall... Yeah, what else would be in the barn?  Geez, what kinda farm did you grow up on?

...and as the barn shapes up, I become the mess!  Dust of all kinds sticks to any bit of exposed skin.  I end up sticky and filthy.  

As I'm working away, those two words HOT MESS keep popping into my head.  I disgust myself though, so I'd rather think of THIS.

That's better.

Maybe I got it all wrong though. Should I be swinging a Telecaster instead of a shovel or broom?  Or backed up by a Marshall stack instead of an industrial lawn tractor?  I have gotten the plaid shirt thing right a couple times.  

I'll say this for sure: it looks a hell of a lot better out there in the barn. Neater, tidier, and dare I say, cleaner?  I'm even getting a little silly and doing a few things that make me happy, like setting a few pieces of chrome from an old car on a wall beam just because I like shiny things.  

I need to cheer myself up when I'm tired and dirty and damp under my work clothes.

Dr Oz says horses are good for my health!!!!

Awww, isn't that nice?  He even brought a cute little bay onto his show today.  Yeah, an actual real horse on the stage!!!  With the audience clapping and those adorable horse ears pointed forward, those big eyes looking around at all those people while he stood with one hind foot rested.  Awwww!

And then Dr Oz gave that cute feller a kiss on the forehead!

And then he led him off the stage.

Wha?

Not enough horse!  I need more horse!

I mean, I didn't need Dr Oz to tell me that animals are good for my health, because I already knew that. In fact, I regularly visit Dr Phoenix and his lovely assistant Miss Ladylike.  They really keep my healthy.  

That's good because most of the time on the Dr Oz show we get all these things like...

"FIND OUT WHAT THREE FOODS WILL TAKE TEN YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE!"

or

"NEXT: THE BAD HABITS YOU HAVE THAT WILL KILL YOU!!!!"

So thanks for the horse, Dr Oz.  

Is a Spotlessly Clean Truck a Sign of Good Management, Or Way Too Much Spare Time?

Personally, I'd like to lean towards the second option.  I'd like to say that my truck is a mess, inside and out, because I'm so busy doing stuff with it that I don't have time to clean it.

Of course, that could be a load of crap (ha, just one of the many things I use my truck for) because I suspect those clean, tidy organized people out there are actually capable of doing all that truck stuff and still find time to clean the truck.  I admire that.  I aspire to that standard, I really do, I just don't quite get there.

Having said that, I do like to keep a broom in the box.  I sweep the box out every time I do a dump run.  I hate when the bed's all covered in junk-crumbs.  So I guess I'm not a total truck slob.

I gave it a good vacuum a couple weeks ago when the weather was nice.  Sucking up the fine pieces of mud and gravel was nothing -- the real work, an almost impossible task, is getting all the Pug hairs.  Pugs shed constantly, all year round, and I really shouldn't let him ride in the truck with me... but I have to!  He's my DOG.  And what do you do with a DOG when you have a TRUCK?  Don't say put him in the back.  He's right up there beside me in the Girlfriend seat where he belongs, dirty paws and extra hairs and all.

The last couple mornings when I drive the kids over to the bus stop, I've looked up in my half awake stupor and noticed little muddy paw prints right in my line of vision.  Then I notice the rest of them on the hood. There's still a cat path running across the cab, except for the fan-shaped spot the wipers cleared.

Maybe I just don't care.

Maybe I like having a good supply of blankets and work gloves and shopping bags in the backseat.

Maybe I only have two arms and can't carry everything into the house.

Or maybe I have other stuff to think about.

Like how cute the Pug looks when he's plunked on the seat beside me with his happy tongue hanging out.

The husband, the kids, the horses, the cat and the dog - ALL ON ONE PROPERTY!

Almost like a dream come true... almost!

I really didn't plan for our home in the country to be the exact same one my parents still live on.

But hey, it's a big house.  Other than that bathroom thing there's room for everybody.  Finding room for all of our stuff and crap and junk and treasures - that's turning out to be a challenge but I am determined to make it work.  I'm amazing myself with my resourcefulness when it comes to cramming objects into spaces.  I'm a purty good interior desecrator, y'know?

Getting moved out of our house in town was a ridiculously drawn out process.  Honestly, who takes like, nine months to move out?  It was hard physical work, especially since the two of our  moving days involved buckets of rain, and it was emotionally draining.

I said goodbye to the house room by room.  It doesn't feel like my home anymore.  Just a pretty house, ready for another family to make it their home.  Every time I said goodbye to a neighbour I told myself it isn't really goodbye.  It won't be.

Now if you'll excuse me, my life is still taped up in boxes, stacked in front of doorways, and I have to make a clear path across the dining room so my dad can get to his easy chair.  Also, at some point I really have to go remind my horses that they are not actually wild beasts living wild on two acres of empty prairie.  Silly horses.  Don't they know that wild horses never get a handful of grain in the evening and a kiss on the muzzle?

"Get me some Imodium so I can go to work" and other quotes that'd make great titles for a blog post I don't have time to write

"No thanks, you drink the last beer... my belly isn't quite right today."

"Smells like barf and sulphurous farts in here."

"Good thing the bathroom's so close!"

"Call tomorrow's client and tell them I might have to reschedule..."

"I'm not very good with sick people but I'm good with laundry."

"I know it's not funny, but honestly honey, that was worthy of a Sepultura concert."

"Never had to do THIS beside the highway."




And finally, not a quote but worth sharing:

"Honey I'm sorry I thought you were a baby when you were sick."

"It's okay, you didn't call me a baby."

"No but I thought it."



yeah, and also?  Haven't gotten a big van and moved all the way out of our house yet.  Okay that's all goodnight.