May is the best month ever.

It's grey-skied and gloomy out today, threatening to rain any second, but I don't care.  I am covered in pets (young Lucy is learning to settle down for a cuddle) and from my bay window I can see the lilac tree.  It's in full bloom and saturated with rain water... those big purple mounds of flowers are touching the sidewalk right now!  

And it smells wonderful.  There's Lily of the Valley in the backyard, making my whole property smell like the best most natural perfume in the world.  

Everything is green.  Soon the lilacs and tulips will be done and new things will burst out in full roaring colour.
I need colour.  I need purple and pink in my yard, I need horses with lots of flash, I need something to keep my eyes happy all the time.

Look at those blue Forget Me Nots.  They haven't helped my memory much but I love them.  

At the beginning of May, before I got the lawn mowed (the kids get paid to do it now) those little blue flowers were popping up all over the lawn.  I love it.  I don't go plucking them all out.  They can stay.  Eventually they get mowed but I know they'll be back.  They always come back, every spring, and I welcome them.

I've lived in this house for almost 12 years.  Hard to believe, since I was fully planning on shippin' outta here for the country long ago.  The music business has had other plans for my family though, and I've slowly put down roots, figuratively and literally.  I have friends here, connections, bank accounts.  It's my town.  It doesn't know it's my town, because it's too big to keep track of who owns it, but it's true.  This little stretch of subdivision should be renamed for me because it's mine.  From April to November, I can't walk down the street without stopping to talk to a neighbour.  That's how it is and as long as I live here, I'm keeping it that way. 

If you're on my street and somebody's pulled their car over by my driveway to talk to me, I suggest you go around slowly and let us talk.  You may be in a big-city hurry but I'm keeping it small here, okay?  

My lawn is imperfect.  I can grow a serious dandelion crop, and if I could find a way to make money off those yellow flowers I'd be rich.  My flowerbeds are crazy.  They look like I just sort of plopped things into the ground and let them do what they want, which is exactly what I did.  I'll be out there puttering and poking around in the dirt feeling like all is right in the world.  It's not deathly hot yet, the chill has left the air, and I'm lost in leaves and stalks, finally able to ignore stuff that troubles me.  My eyes are full of flowers.  

June will be intense.  My Instructor's exam is two weeks away and I have preparations to make.  After that, I'll be spending the summer covered in sweat and horse dirt.  Getting paid to be covered in sweat and horse dirt!  And I know I'll be writing again because my imaginary friends are starting to nudge me again.  

Thanks for visiting my little garden today!

What I was doing 15 years ago...

...if I remember correctly, falling asleep in a hospital bed, while a tiny perfect baby girl slept in a bassinet beside me.  

Oh, she was tiny and perfect.  She had long black eyelashes, just like her daddy.  I prayed for that.  I felt silly about it until she was born and then I was just thankful.  I'd fallen in love with a cute guy with long black eyelashes and I wanted our children to have that. She had a fuzz of dark hair, two perfect arches of eyebrows, and the prettiest little red lips.  She'd been wrapped tightly in a blanket but I'd already counted all the toes and fingers, examined the little arms and legs, the tiny earlobes, the miniature details of a brand new human.

We'd been up all night.  It was only five hours of hard labour but man, it was without a doubt the hardest I'd ever worked in my entire life.  

Fifteen years later we've got this lovely delightful funny bizarre sensitive graceful klutzy gorgeous affectionate smart silly amazing talented beautiful young person living with us.  Every day I marvel that I get to be her mother.

I have a fifteen year old daughter.  It happened so fast...

So, what's next?

First of all, thank you so much for all your messages last week!  It does feel good to be congratulated!  I've been walking around all weekend telling myself that I'm a Level 4 rider now.  It's been three years since I made the decision to go out and get all educated, and for years before that the whole rider level system intimidated me.  Now I'm one of those guys.

BUT.  I am not done yet.

In order to earn the Instructor of the Beginner certificate, I will still have to jump through a couple more hoops.  

Here's what I've done so far:

-earn my Rider Levels

-complete First Aid course

-complete equine-specific "learn to teach" weekend

-become a member of Ontario Equestrian Federation

-mentoring hours; 10 observing lessons, 15 being observed teaching

-I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting one more thing...

Here's what I have left to do:

-pay for Equine Canada membership

-apply for candidacy for Instructor's exam (the OEF already have me signed up over the phone)

-submit mentoring hours paperwork

-take the Instructor's exam

I'll be writing up a lot of lesson plans for the next two weeks... luckily for me, I'll be assigned a lesson topic soon, giving me lots of time to practice teaching it.  I'll need to get a first aid kit (one for humans, one for horses) and all the props I'll need (those orange pylons, ground poles etc) to bring to the exam with me.  

I've got time to do this right.

If I choose, I can keep going after this.  I can specialize and go on to become a Level 1 Western Coach.  Most who go that far are focusing on training riders for the show ring, and I haven't decided yet if that's how I want to go.  I might really find my niche with beginners and kids.

I found out something very interesting after my test last week.  

The Level 4 requires two judges; my own coach, the awesome Susan, and another wonderful woman were watching me with eagle eyes.  Before riding the pattern, I made ol' Bo stand still and quit fussing and fidgeting.  At that moment, 17 years worth of owning a hot headed little fireball half-Arab came into sharp focus.  (Thank you Champ, again!)

Joanne turned to Susan and whispered, "She's patient.  She'll do good with nervous beginners."

When Susan told me that later I almost fell over.  

I know what it's like to be nervous!  I've never ridden as well in the show pen as I know I can at home.  I fall apart easily and putting myself into nerve-wracking situations has forced me to learn to keep it together (a little bit).  But patient?  REally?  I don't usually see myself that way.  

But I can see it... I can totally see myself getting along with people who have the desire but haven't found the guts yet.  I have had to dig very deep to find my guts, (pardon the gruesome mental images, haha.)

I also had a brain shift because I've been slowly working on a novel about... a riding teacher who is a rather strange chick who attracts all kinds of damaged, disturbed students.    I did not set off to write an imaginary alternate universe kind of thing to my own life but here we go, life imitating art?  

I'm thinking about horses and mental health and the art of teaching.  I'm thinking about abilities and limits and quests, the need to improve, the sudden realization that most of us can do a lot more than we think we can.

And now I'm going to have a day.  I'll be filling out paperwork and riding a brown and white pony.  I'll bring my camera!

LEVEL FOUR RIDER, Y'ALL!

Goal: Accomplished!

Today I passed my Level 4 Rider test.  I stayed calm, I remembered the pattern, I gave this big ol' horse enough room to do what he had to do.   I had visualized this ride so often, I found myself wondering halfway through if this was real.  

Oh yeah.  This is real.  

It was not perfect. Bo was having issues with the far end of the arena, of course, the end where we start the pattern.  I made him stand still (if he moved back, I got him to walk up to where he was supposed to be, until he figured it out) and let both of us chill for a few seconds.  I kind of mellowed him out too much... I'm not an aggressive rider to start with.  He could have been moving a little more energetically, let's just say that.

All that preparation for a ride that was over in about five minutes.  Five very important minutes.  And I passed.  All that preparation was worth it.  

I never like how I look in pictures of me riding, but here I don't care because I look jubilant and relieved!  And slightly wilted.  It was hot today.   Ol' Bo sure cleaned up nice and I got the privilege of riding in the boss's show saddle, which is super heavy and possibly the most comfortable thing I've ever sat in.

When I got home my son was in the back yard fixing a bike he found at the side of the road.  (Frugal boy, my Bucky.)  He took a picture of me sitting on the back bumper of my truck.  I look kind of crazy, and really, really happy eh?

I did it.  

HI MOM!!!!

Part One: done!

Hey!

I did the written test TODAY.  

It was scheduled for tomorrow but I said, "Gimme the papers.  I'm doin' it NOW."  I sat at the table and said, "Let's get this OVER WITH."

So of course I got a few wrong, stupid mistakes of course, but it looks like it's a pass.  

A PASS!

Thursday is still the longeing and pattern test.  With the written out of the way, I can concentrate on riding, longeing, and answering questions about stable management.

Oh- and getting Bo the Grumpy Gelding all polished up and pretty for our big day.  He's looking good, shiny, fit and trim.  

Bring it.

The Heidi-and-Bo progress report

It's rainy and windy today, meaning I'm not in a big hurry to get out to the barn.  (When I called out there to say so, I was told, "Go back to bed!)

Time to share with the world what I've been learning:

-deadlines are good for me.  Unrealistic deadlines are just stressful, but a reachable one motivates me.

-Bo is an old horse.  He's 19. He needs regular work to stay in shape.  He's been at the Little Valley for a year; the year before that was spent being a lawnmower.  He's so much more flexible and fit now!

-he's generally grumpy and it's not an old age thing.  His owner says he's always been like that, since she got him at age eight.  We put up with it because he's so great under saddle.

-if I get out the little rubber "Jelly" brush and rub down his forehead and ears, and his legs, I can darn near put him into a contented sleep!  Nice.

-gonna miss him when his owner is done school and takes him home in September.

-he's in better shape than I am; my legs are a little sore!

-my neck is stiff too and I believe it's because I've been tensing up when riding the two-track.  (I'll describe that later.)  I know I need to relax into it.

-if my spurs ride up on my heels I know I've been using my feet incorrectly.  I need to stretch that heel down to cue him.  This should keep my knees on him too.

-gloves are good when riding with a lot of contact on the reins.

-I'm still having a hard time riding with contact... growing up being yelled at to ease up on the reins so the pony will go forward has stayed in my head.  "Don't hang on with the reins, or she'll stop!!"  Of course they weren't really reins, they were twine string, but still.

-he needs contact to collect up and do that two-track.

-as of today the riding test is a week away.  I'll be ready.

-I can't wait to get my own two horses up to this level of training!  

And most of all, I had this amazing revelation yesterday.  I mean, at first I couldn't believe it, but it has to be true.  I never let myself think it, I always chose to look at the stuff that needed improving rather than the abilities that I do have, but I must let myself believe it.

Despite a crooked spine, gut-compromising medications, ADD, depression, anxiety, a house full of kid-mess and pet-mess, and surviving on one income, I AM ACCOMPLISHING THIS GOAL.

And furthermore, what I really have to let myself believe...

I'M ACTUALLY A PRETTY DECENT RIDER.

We're taking the horses down the road today to a neighbour's indoor arena.  It's big enough that I can do the entire pattern with that big lanky horse and not have to compress it to fit the small sand ring at the Little Valley.  It takes a bit more room to move Bo around.  Plus it's dry in there.  I'm still bringing my rain coat.

Later!

RIDE TIME

I might be kinda scarce around here for the next month.  The weather's finally reliably improved, the leaves are about to pop on the trees, and I have to keep reminding myself that it's MAY now, not those crappy spring months of mud and slime.  But the real reason I'll be busy?

LEVEL 4 RIDER TEST.  MAY 21st.  

The date is set.  The test involves written (multiple choice, blanks, T or F kind of test) as well as stable management, lungeing, and the riding test.  Just to keep me on my toes I'll be asked questions from levels 1, 2, and 3.  

I won't be writing much, except for my journal, a few blog entries, and lesson plans!  It's okay - whatever I learn in the horse world about perseverance and presentation and perfection can all be transferred over to the writing world.

Here are my requirements...

RIDER IV

Candidates will be taught how to:

• Understand and explain basic collection
• Execute a simple change of leads from both directions
• Demonstrate proper lungeing procedures
• Demonstrate and explain side pass
• Demonstrate and explain two-track movements
• Demonstrate all practical work referred to in Rider I, II and III

I have to ride this pattern.

I've been looking at that diagram for over a year and finally believe that I can do all the required moves on that list.  I just have to work on putting all the moves together. For example, coming down from the lope to the jog, then gathering up my reins in order to collect for the two track is something I need to work on.  

It just takes practice.  

I'll be riding every day from now until then, whether I feel well or not.  If I feel gruesome I have to at least drag myself into my truck and get out there... just heave the saddle onto the horse and walk the pattern, if that's all I can do.  I tend to have memory problems, so going through the pattern repeatedly is very important.  

I will be presenting myself and the horse as though we're competing in a horse show.  All clean and shiny and well turned out.  I might even get a chance to borrow a show saddle for the day!

I'll probably be riding Bo for my test.  Bo, the borrowed gelding, the Grumpy Old Goat, the horse I love irrationally even though he acts so tough.  

And he's broke to death.  He can do everything.  He's old and needs a good warm up before working, but he's a hell of a good horse.  My only concern is those long legs of his.  See how tall he is compared to me?  I think we're required to mount from the ground.  I might have to ask special permission to use a block to stand on...

However, I also have the option of riding Skyla, the pony mare,  for my test.  And I do love Skyla!  She is absolutely adorable.

She's only 13.3 and a little better suited to my stature!  She is so much fun.  I just don't know if she'll be conditioned enough to do the pattern by the time the date comes up.

I'll just have to ride both of them each day!  I know - POOR ME.  Neither of them belong to me, but I adore them both.

And yes, if you're looking at the horse show pic above, and concerned about the direction my toes are facing... I've worked on that in the last year.  

I could have put off this test indefinitely, but another student is taking it, and since a second coach is required, it has to be planned in advance.  So, no more caution, no more doubts.  Time to saddle up and ride.  

And study.  Talk at ya later.

Wonderful Mother's Day gift

I went off to look at horse stuff... and when I got home, they'd cleaned up the kitchen.  They got into the corners that had me scared and defeated.  I let the whole thing get away on me, built up a huge anxiety about it, and they got in there and dealt with it.

People, they even cleaned out the fridge.  I used to be pretty good about not letting any science experiments develop in there, but it totally went wild in the last... I dunno, year?  Three months?  I'm not keeping track, I just know it got nasty.  I was very purposefully avoiding it.  They just went at it and solved the problem.  I can see through the glass shelves now.  

I really shouldn't be admitting this awful slovenliness of mine on the internet but I just want you to know how monumental it was for them to do this for me.  

Apparently there wasn't even a huge amount of complaining, considering the task.

I didn't want anything else to clutter up my house; no jewelry, clothes or make up.  Nothing like that.  They could have taken me to the bookstore or the tack shop because I'm always in NEED of more books and horse things.  BUT we're really broke these days.  I couldn't deal with the guilt.  

Cleaning the place up cost them nothing but time and effort, but it gave me so much.

On Mother's day, we ate at a restaurant (who wants to cook on Mother's day?) and we pulled weeds.  I like pulling weeds.  It was a good day.

Reading

I'm reading to an audience full of people tonight.  I don't know how many.  A bunch.  It's okay - I've already done this.  I'm reading the same story I read at the Anthology book launch last November.  It's cool.  I can totally do this.  

Right?

yeah, I know it's Saturday but I got too busy to do my Friday-make-up-an-excuse to put up a Johnny picture.  

So, right then, I'll be getting ready to go read to a big room full of people.  That's how you get good at stuff.  You have to actually do it.  

Saturday night edit:  Wow!  Just wow!  I can't believe how well this evening went.  Words And Music was a success!  The music was thoroughly enjoyable and varied, all musicians from one family.  The words were so well performed, even better than at our book launch.  

I practiced my story before the concert, and got some feedback on where to pause, where to place emphasis.  It worked.  I got a few snickers after the first paragraph, and by the end I couldn't believe how many chuckles I could draw out of the audience!  Wow!  

The performer and the audience really do feed each other.  What a feeling.  Even better than that time I did a song with my kids at the their recital.  (Like way better; I'm not a singer!) 

Know what?  

At intermission I lost count of how many people came up to me to tell me how much they liked my story!  I couldn't even count!  It was amazing!  They liked it, they really liked it!  I had people I've never met patting me on the shoulder and saying, "Nice truck!"  

I couldn't thank them enough. It meant so much to me.  If you're ever at a performance you really enjoy, and get a chance to tell how much you liked it, DO!  

There were like, 80 people in that church.  No kidding.  I'm so glad I did it.  I was sure before the show I'd puke or faint but I didn't and I done good and I'm feelin' pretty darn okay right now.  Just wanted the world to know...!

IT'S A GIRL!!

Remember Oakie?  When her sister Tia came home to the Little Valley from the Homestead Up North, Oakie took up residence at the Homestead.  Susan's parents have foaled out a few mares there.  Did you know I've never seen a foal being born?  None of our mares have ever been pregnant.  

At 7 am this morning, Pa went outside and what did he see in the corral, against the backdrop of misty Bruce County scenery?

Oakie and her brand new baby.  He figures she was less than an hour old by the time he found them.  I'll always be amazed at how these little guys get moving.  They're born to run.  They really are.  Look at those legs!

Everybody say it with me now, cuz I know you're just dying to:   AWWWWWWW!

Look at those floppy little ears!  Look at that gorgeous white blaze!  Those long legs of hers are almost crossing each other, but they don't!  She's so cute!

And Oakie's a good mother.  This is either her second or third foal. 

Just in time for Mother's Day.  Warms your heart, doesn't it?  You know it does.

Brain and Body

Why's it so hard to get it all working together?

I've been spending the last month trying to get my Side-effexor dosage figured out.  First DOCTA-CHAN suggested upping it, but after weeks of feelin' queasy, we decided to go back to where it was.  Well, I wasn't feeling particularly wonderful on that either.  The good news is at least now I only feel like constant vomit threat until about 1pm after which it's just sporadic.  Yay.

And this is called an ANTI- depressant.  Hmm.  All I wanted was to banish the bizarre and extremely negative thoughts from my head... makes me wonder if life wasn't easier before, back when I somewhat successfully crammed it all down and managed to mostly ignore it all.

Meanwhile, I think about the brain-body connection. Other than my neck, haha.  Seriously, how much can I blame my downer mood on my uneasy guts, and can I blame my gut rot on my downer mood?

We always want to separate mind and body, like it doesn't all work together.  I used to bristle at the idea that my thoughts could make me sick.  I'd been a rather sickly kid for most of my life, especially as the teen years approached.  I didn't enjoy being the first one to drop from heat exhaustion, or the one with the tension headache.  That wasn't how I wanted to be special.  But as the belly aches and general feeling of being unwell persisted, answers were sought to why I was like this.  There were suggestions that it was "all in my head."

I hated that.  First of all, that I would purposely make myself sick was stupid; who would do that?  And furthermore, even at a young age, I hated the idea of "blaming the victim."

You know what?  We can make ourselves sick, and it's not our fault.  We don't want to, but in my opinion, we don't know how not to.  When you're constantly worried, something has to give.  Our bodies aren't meant to be living in a total state of anxiety.  We either run from the critter that wants to eat us, or we fight it, and when that shot of adrenalin is dissipated, we can relax.  Or, we're dead cuz the critter got us.  Either way.  The worry is over for the time being.

The stupid thing is, I live a pretty easy life.  I've spent the last few years making it that way just to survive it and find ways to enjoy it.  Keeping my brain and body in decent shape has become my full time occupation.  Avoiding a big ol' breakdown of any kind is the main goal of my life.  

Wow, I wasn't planning on going this way at all today.  I was going to write about how difficult it is to ride a horse!  How I think, in my head, word for word, what I need to do with my hands, seat and legs, what direction my shoulders should be going, and where my feet should be pointing, yet struggling to get all those body parts where they should be.  

Instead I got this.  Brains work in mysterious ways.  I feel like taking this whole post down but some of you say you appreciate my honesty, so here it is in all its messy glory.  And now folks, my brain is telling me to take my man and my dog for a walk.  

"I got a huge Ack, man!"

Yeah yeah, action, motorcycle-helicopter chase scenes, things blowin' up, Adamantium-enhanced skeleton.....

I'm really there for the eye candy.  I'm shallow that way.  

And, of course, the awesome sense of style... I feel like carrying an axe over my shoulder now...

You can read a rather flimsy report and see lots o' pictures over on my other, less respectable blog!