I've been spending the last month trying to get my Side-effexor dosage figured out. First DOCTA-CHAN suggested upping it, but after weeks of feelin' queasy, we decided to go back to where it was. Well, I wasn't feeling particularly wonderful on that either. The good news is at least now I only feel like constant vomit threat until about 1pm after which it's just sporadic. Yay.
And this is called an ANTI- depressant. Hmm. All I wanted was to banish the bizarre and extremely negative thoughts from my head... makes me wonder if life wasn't easier before, back when I somewhat successfully crammed it all down and managed to mostly ignore it all.
Meanwhile, I think about the brain-body connection. Other than my neck, haha. Seriously, how much can I blame my downer mood on my uneasy guts, and can I blame my gut rot on my downer mood?
We always want to separate mind and body, like it doesn't all work together. I used to bristle at the idea that my thoughts could make me sick. I'd been a rather sickly kid for most of my life, especially as the teen years approached. I didn't enjoy being the first one to drop from heat exhaustion, or the one with the tension headache. That wasn't how I wanted to be special. But as the belly aches and general feeling of being unwell persisted, answers were sought to why I was like this. There were suggestions that it was "all in my head."
I hated that. First of all, that I would purposely make myself sick was stupid; who would do that? And furthermore, even at a young age, I hated the idea of "blaming the victim."
You know what? We can make ourselves sick, and it's not our fault. We don't want to, but in my opinion, we don't know how not to. When you're constantly worried, something has to give. Our bodies aren't meant to be living in a total state of anxiety. We either run from the critter that wants to eat us, or we fight it, and when that shot of adrenalin is dissipated, we can relax. Or, we're dead cuz the critter got us. Either way. The worry is over for the time being.
The stupid thing is, I live a pretty easy life. I've spent the last few years making it that way just to survive it and find ways to enjoy it. Keeping my brain and body in decent shape has become my full time occupation. Avoiding a big ol' breakdown of any kind is the main goal of my life.
Wow, I wasn't planning on going this way at all today. I was going to write about how difficult it is to ride a horse! How I think, in my head, word for word, what I need to do with my hands, seat and legs, what direction my shoulders should be going, and where my feet should be pointing, yet struggling to get all those body parts where they should be.
Instead I got this. Brains work in mysterious ways. I feel like taking this whole post down but some of you say you appreciate my honesty, so here it is in all its messy glory. And now folks, my brain is telling me to take my man and my dog for a walk.