DIY DETOX DAY 29: Things I Learned While Suffering the Cold Quit

As of Day 29 here, I'm almost, almost normal.  Well considering this is me, "normal."  I can stand having the curtain open during the day, I can speak without my head exploding, and I don't get the shocks every time I move.  Just sometimes.  And the shocks are only in my hands and face now.  I can walk without feeling like I'm about to fall over.  This morning I woke up at 6 am and haven't gone back to sleep.  I'd like to.  Boy would I ever like to have a sleep.  But I'm awake.  It's kind of good to be awake.  Yesterday I went out to the barn TWICE and today I took the dog for a walk about a quarter of the way around the yard.  (It's about an acre of yard.)  Hey I even cleaned the toilet today.  Progress.

I'd like to forget how horrible days 11 to 13 were.  I'd like to never ever think about the physical agony and mental torture.  I don't want to know how awful I was to live with for awhile there.

I just want to get my strength back, get my horses back in shape too, and man, I seriously have a whole novel to write, I'm not kidding.

I don't think I ever will forget how awful it was.  I had my doctor's supervision, I prepared myself, I knew it would be bad.  But, and this is the whole reason why I did it this way, I won't be weaning off for six months of mid-grade misery.  I will have a summer.

So... while I was spending a week or a month or however the hell long it was up here in my dark quiet bedroom, I had to occupy my brain.  I couldn't read or listen to music or even look at a TV or computer screen.  It was just me and the pain and my brain.  Wow.  What a combination.

I have a few things I'd like to share.

1) SASQUATCH IS REAL!

 It's true, I saw him in a dream I was having.  I was walking down a dirt road through the bush, not anywhere familiar, just a regular dirt road with trees on each side.  I looked down at the hoofprints on the side of the road and wished I was riding instead of walking.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a big brown furry thing heading into the trees, so I did what anybody would do. I followed!  I had my iGadget out and I was ready to take a picture as proof because that's also what anybody would do.  As I was fumbling with it I looked up and I was face-to-face with Bigfoot!  And no, it wasn't my husband.  He was doing the deer-in-the-headlights look and I said, "Dude, I need a picture of you," and he said, "I don't wanna have my picture taken!" and I was all "But nobody believes you're real" and he was all, "I don't wanna be real!  You're not real either!  Or something!"  Frustrated, I told him he would just have to go on being imaginary, after which I drove somebody else's giant pickup truck into a snowbank, parked it at a house which my sister-in-law does not live in real life, then got lost, and stopped at a garage where they were doing free hoof trims while you wait.  So yes, Sasquatch is real.  You heard it here.

2) WRITING SONGS IN YOUR DREAMS IS REALLY UNPRODUCTIVE

Man, I had these words that just broke my heart and mended it back together.  They fit together beautifully.  I even had a melody to go with it and that's something I've never been able to do.  That's why I am not a songwriter.  I was going over those words, singing them to myself to try to remember them, and thinking, "I am not going to remember how this went when I wake up, and that's a damn shame cuz when I'm awake I'll be thinking about how I'll never know if these songs are actually really good."

3) IF YOU LIE ON YOUR SIDE FOR A LONG TIME YOUR EAR GOES NUMB

Unpleasant.  Especially when the other side has already been numbed.

4) WHEN THE DRUG LEAVES YOUR BODY IT TAKES A WHOLE LOT OF EMOTIONAL CRAP WITH IT.

It's like the mood-stabilizer did the stabilizing it needed to, by suppressing a few things, and when the drug goes, it all comes flooding out.  It's good for the rest of the family to go see a movie when this is happening.

5) BOB DYLAN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY IS AWESOME.

I was reading it when I started off on this little vision quest.  I finished up about Day 8 or 9 or thirty-seven or whatever.  Just as it was getting too painful to read.  Bob.  Bob loves music.  Bob thinks too much.  Bob speaks in poetry. Bob's memory for detail is stunning, microscopic, and vivid.

6) BOB DYLAN IS THE REASON I DISCOVERED... wait for it...

FINNISH TROLL METAL!!!!

Flow chart of discovery:

Reading CHRONICLES: VOLUME ONE

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Look up a few details on Wikipedia, on account of Bob having extraordinary details for some things but not so clear about other things, like chronology, which was fine but I was curious.

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Follow link to learn about Woody Guthrie, Bob's hero.  (Who, by the way, was stricken with Huntington's Disease, a horrible incurable evil horrible condition.  His second wife started what is now the Huntington Society, to help families and victims.)

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Woody Guthrie is like, the godfather of folk music.  

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What exactly is "folk music?"

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Well there are all kinds of folk music.  There's even, gasp! a sub-genre called folk metal!

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You think I see a link for FOLK METAL and I'm not gonna follow it?  

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(and yeah, this took all day, accounting for eyeball rest breaks)

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Wow!  Wow wow wow!  A link for TROLL METAL!

Well this is just too good to be true. Turns out there's this band called... ohmygosh this is brilliant... FINNTROLL, and it turns out this is a THING, and it's been going on without me knowing anything about it, which isn't shocking since I pretty much live under a rock, but still!  

So they're Finnish, but the lyrics are in Swedish, because the vocalist was from the minority of Swedish people in Finland?  In my slightly altered state this was just the best, funniest, heaviest, headbangin'est, craziest most rockin' and rollicking thing EVER.

Not only is this possibly my new favourite song, but it also proves that there are, in fact, a few less-than angelically gorgeous people in Scandinavia.  

Now I've got to share this around, because just as I was going into the worst part of the Cold Quit, this cheered me up like you wouldn't believe.  Sometimes I'd lie there with my jaw clenched and think, TROLLHAMMEREN!  Actually the one night when I was trying to explain this to Jethro and the kids I started laughing so maniacally I was in tears, like sob-laughing, and it sent sharp shooting pains all through my upper body but I couldn't quit.  They were borderline alarmed.  But come on.  Seriously.  They're Finnish, but the words are in Swedish, so now any future vocalist has to learn to growl in Swedish, and I still can't understand a friggin word of it!  It's BRILLIANT!  It is seriously brilliant!

Warning: if you are offended or grossed out in any way by dirt, cellars, rowdy consuming of fermented beverages, dreadlocks, windmill-headbanging, scowling, growling, or large angry looking hairy dudes dressed like Friar Tuck, do not watch this video.  But DO LISTEN because this is awesome.  

And that's how Bob Dylan made the whole experience just slightly bearable.  Thanks, Bob.

Last but not least...

8) BAD TIMES LIKE THIS CAN LEAVE A PERSON OPEN TO SOME TRULY WONDERFUL BRAIN EXPANSION.

...because what else was I going to do?  

I'm going to go do some more recovering now.  Catch ya.

Need some distraction from the DIY detox recovery. Have some MMVA. (lots of pix & linx and things)

It's taken me four days to write this.  It's almost Friday and you know we like some Johnny on a Friday.

Ahhh.  Okay.

So folks, although I'm still spending my time sweating it all out and sleeping it off, I'm slowly getting better.  I'm feeling better enough to start getting impatient.  I'm starting to look forward to living again.  Hey.  Did you know I used to actually go outside?  As soon as everything's less loud and shocky I intend to be out there again.

But hey! I can now look at a computer or read for a while before my eyeballs get all prickly.  Can't watch TV yet.  Tried to watch So Ya Think Ya Dance Good Do Ya and wow.  Flashy!  Shocky!  Ow!! SO happy I can read and type without getting all shocky and shooty, because while I was lying here in a dark room clenching my jaw in agony I occupied my mind by inventing stories and now, I gotta write 'em all down!!!!

I didn't watch the MMVAs on Sunday night.  I stopped caring.  It was my second time  I'd left the house in almost three weeks and I was worn out.  I didn't want to look at anything by evening.  That's what INTERMITTENT NET is for.  Why don't I just do a little commentary on a show I didn't watch, I mean, why not, chances are good you didn't watch it either?!

PICTURES: They came from the MuchMusic website, a couple of Canadian national newspaper sites, and my favourite - GO FUG YOURSELF.  In fact for a complete and funny commentary just go read Heather's take on it.  I snickered.  She totally did the Carpet-and-drapes joke I was gonna make.

First, I'd like to start with something I should just make a regular feature here at Hick Chic called DANGIT AVRIL!  Gah.  I tried to be all disdainful of the gum-chewing wise-cracking punk princess pink hair thing.  (Yeah the pink hair thing was totally my idea first.) I'm kind of neutral about her music but I give her credit for writing it herself, being able to play guitar and for **singing live** so basically what I'm saying is,

DANGIT AVRIL you won me over again, again.

SHE'S JUST SO DARN CUTE!

How can I stay irritated with that smile?  

I am irritated with one of the intermittent net news sites which claimed that Avril arrived in a lime green Camaro SS.  FOREHEAD SLAP.  First of all, I don't know where this is called lime.  This is classic Generous Motors Early 70s Slime green.  Duh!

Second, THAT IS NOT A CAMARO.  Duh much?  Clearly by the shape of the door and quarter window it is a Chevelle or Malibu.   Isn't it obvious by the double headlights that this is a Chevelle?  Did the Camaro have double headlights in the early 70s?  No it did not.  Just duh.  Non-car people should CHECK THEIR FACTS.  So frustrating!

See now my eyeballs really hurt.  Break time.

Okay I'm back.

Sadly, Avril's outfit is also visually uncomfortable.

Dangit, Avril!

So the host of this little shindig was a totally adorable young lady who I have only heard of because she's got this boyfriend who grew up around my neck of the woods meaning that even more than the rest of the planet there is no escaping the Biebs out here in farm country I'm not even kidding.

 I'm not up on what her thing is or if she's good at the thing she does.  I just know she's really cute...

...and because I am the mother of a 17 year old girl, I want ask this 18 year old girl, "Have you been eating well sweetie?  Are you getting enough sleep?"  Especially since it was all over the news that she'd been hospitalized the week before.  Well no wonder, the way she's been zigzagging all over North America.  The noise in Stratford alone a couple weeks ago would be enough to bust her head.

Anyways, Famous Boyfriend was supposedly not going to be there.  Yeah right.

This picture cracks me up.  He's all, Dude! Check out the hot chick with the high-waisted jeans on my T shirt!  It's VINTAGE! She's gotta be like, THIRTY-FIVE or something now!!!  Yeah baby!

Is that Tiffani Theissen?  I always wondered if she was of the Manitoba Mennonite Thiessens.  

But whatevs, Biebs.  I was onto that like, thirty years ago.  When your mom was a baby.  Cuz Dude, I had A SHAUN CASSIDY T SHIRT.  

It was just like that but in royal blue and I think my auntie gave it to me.  I know she gave me the Hooked On Horses T shirt.  Anyways, my Shaun Cassidy shirt totally erases his shirt.  Just does.  

This picture of The Gombiebs makes me snicker.  Look at the little horndog's face.  Oh yeah, just lean over juuuuust like that, in your dangerous little halter top, uh huh.  Teenage boys are so sneaky that way.   Yeah it's normal and all, but watch where ya put that hand there, hotshot.

Well I do think they're a nice little couple.  In their line of work they can understand each other. 

And I'd keep going if I could turn this computer screen down a little but it won't go any dimmer so it's time for another eyeball break.  

Aaaand I'm back.  At least I can type now without electric shocks going up and down my arms!!!

Enough sugar coating.  TIME TO ROCK.

BILLY TALENT.

 I love these guys.  

Tell me, worldwide friends, are you aware of this band?  If not, go check them out !  We've seen them live a couple times and man, what a show!  They are a scream and a half live!!!   

Love the tunes, love the playing, love the lyrics.  

And by the way, Billy Talent is the BAND.  The frantically hot little front man is not Billy.  Billy Talent is a band not a guy. Very good band with four very good guys.

I got distracted looking up their videos ("Surrender" is a particularly good one). And now I need another eyeball break.

Okay it's tomorrow morning now.  I'm back in bed to sleep it off and sweat it out and YAY my nice dim screen isn't as hurty as it was yesterday!

More rock star.  City and Colour.  Dallas Green is like a hero to me.  In our family we have a habit of listening to his music, whether it's this band or Alexisonfire, and sighing, "That man has got the voice of an angel."  And a great songwriter too. Honestly I think he's a national treasure. 

I really wish I would have said HI (or something less dumb or anything) to him when we were in the same elevator in 2007.  But I was talking with a friend so I just settled for a weird eye thing that kind of went like, "Um I totally know who you are and I think you're awesome but I'm talking to my friend right now so instead I'm shooting admiration vibes at you" and "I'm not sure if I should know you but I might have seen you before? and the skulls on your dress are kinda neat."

I'd heard that Johnny Galecki would be there.  The Big Bang Theory is the #1 show in Canada so it makes sense that he'd show up. But it was he himself, not Dr Leonard Hofstadter.  But y'know, I kind of think he looks a little bit like Keanu in this picture.  Kinda cute.  And I love Leonard.  

Not sure what's going on here but the girls behind him don't really care cuz he's not Gombiebs.

Also in attendance: Colin Farrell.  He always looks slightly perplexed.  I think it's those terribly expressive eyebrows.  

Apparently he's in town shooting a movie.  He looks like he just woke up on a red carpet but it's a music thing not an acting thing and he's not sure if he should be okay with it or sneak out the back when nobody's looking.  One of the news sites reporting that when asked, he couldn't name a Canadian band.  If this is true, what?!  It's not so hard... Canada is basically a big Musician Farm.  Entertainment is our big import.  Second biggest city in Canada is Los Angeles.  Come on, can't name a Canadian band?  What about mono-monikered divas?  This isn't so hard!

But Colin looks good in denim and I'm shallow that way about dudes, so, okay.

Worn out.  Nap time.  

It's today afternoon now.  Here I am.  

So.  Gaga.  

It must be said... this time out she really, really shocked me.  SHE WORE STUFF THAT RESEMBLED CLOTHES AND SHE WAS COVERED.  Mostly.

Also she wore a suit of black feathers.  Cool!!!!

I might have to start a new feature called DARNIT GAGA.

For now, let's do something I call WHAT THE HECK DOES SHE ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE?!

She was up to her usual shenanigans when she showed up the day before for soundcheck looking like THIS. (for soundcheck.  The one time you'd get to show up in track pants.) (but this is an outdoor gig and y'know... there could be cameras, so...).  

We expect this kind of crap by now.  Big giant Whatevs.  Except for two things.  One, as I am a big advocate for Backside Pride, I gotta point out that her bottom appears to be rather upright.  And two, without the stupid get-up I might not have recognized her, because I think she kinda looks like Dita Von Teese.

Anybody else see it?  But I doubt either of them look like that on couch-magnet-TV night.

I've seen this pattern on splint boots at the local tack shop.  Guaranteed to look good an any horse.  

Come to think of it, that pattern might be a little too busy on a spotted Appaloosa.  Or attention-grabbing diva.

The wig trunk alone must have been huge just for this gig.  She had to have at least three.  

Just to make sure we don't forget who she is, Gaga pulled a little strip show which launched thousands of carpet and drapes jokes.  

I know - EW.  But also,  HAHAHA!  We are so freaked out by body hair!  Even fake stuff!  Hahaha! And also, Ew!

She reminds me here of a combination of Madonna and Alanis Morrisette at the Junos a few years back with the bathrobe & bodysuit stunt.

"We are living in an surreal-ial world..."

haha.

That wig is fantastic.  I want one in pink.  

Seriously.  WHAT THE HECK DOES SHE REALLY LOOK LIKE?????  

Man, I would rather not devote this much time to her - it's like rewarding a tantrum-throwing child in a store by getting all flustered and making an even bigger public spectacle then buying the kid the junkfoodtoything just to make the noise stop - but hey, she really worked for it. She puts effort into grabbing all the publicity she possibly can.

However she exhausts me on a good day.

Break time.

Okay. I didn't sleep but I closed my eyes.  It was nice.

I made the most wonderful discovery as I looked for pictures and news from the event... I saw a picture of four delightfully curly haired denim wearing bearded hoser dudes and thought, heh, I'd invite them over to play a show on my hay wagon.  (I mean as in, the hay wagon is the stage.  For those Imaginary Gigs I can throw now that I have a hay wagon.  Didn't mean it as a desperate and vague euphemism okay!)  The caption simply said, "The Sheepdogs."

Well, I says to myself, any band calling themselves the Sheepdogs has to be okay.  And nothing bad ever came out of Saskatchewan right?

Being pretty much holed up in my bedroom, I have time to do some digging around.  I searched the name thinking, "please be awesome, please be awesome! Don't lame out and disappoint me!  Please be awesome!"



HOLY CRAP I THINK I JUST FOUND MY NEW FAVOURITE BAND!  

This is what I thought  Kings Of Leon would sound like when I first saw their picture.  These guys aren't pin-up purty, but they have something better ....THREE PART HARMONY!  Southern Rock from the Great White Prairies?  Oh heck yes!!!

How did this get past me???  These guys have been doing this thing for at least four years... (we were IN SASKATOON four years ago for a big music event...) and here they're in a contest to be on the cover of Rolling Stone?!?!  What the heck - I was only knocked out on anti-depressant withdrawal for like, three weeks?!!!  I almost didn't catch this????


Once I can actually do a whole blog post without taking naps or shaking, I'll tell you all about another cool discovery I made before things went totally sideways here.  It involves Finnish trolls and Bob Dylan!

And I'm spent.  I need a drink of water and then I need to like, write a whole novel.  Nothing like an easy slow recovery eh?  Ha. 

IT GOT THAT KIND OF WORSE. I am on the other side now. But I'm not back yet.

Day 19 of my Medically Supervised Cold Quit.  I'm in my nice dim bedroom.  I'm...SWEATING AND SHAKING.  It's okay.  Really, it is okay, because I am awake, and as long as I hold my head still I don't get the shocks.  I can sort of eat.  As of today I sort of sleep at night and stay awake during the day.  That's an improvement.  I'm not constantly clenching my jaw and I can speak above a whisper.

Yeah.  It got worse.  I'm not kidding or exaggerating when I say that I have touched Hell.

Not ready to talk about it yet.

But I will.

After a few more days of recovery.  I'll come back.

(Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. I honestly believe it has helped.)

INCOMMUNICADO: So far the drug withdrawal isn't as bad as I expected...

Might not be hearing much from me this week!

That's because last Tuesday I decided (with the help of Dr Santastic) to get off the Effexor, or as I like to call it, Side-e-ffexor.  It never seemed like the right thing for me. Although it did do what I needed it to do, which was to stop those awful thoughts I was having.  Those kind of kill-kill-die-die thoughts.  The too-hard-to-live thoughts.  The just-fall-down-and-die thoughts.

If you've been reading Hick Chic since the beginning, you might remember the Celexa withdrawal.  Then the drug-free years.  Then the admission that all my carefully learned techniques for mental health weren't cutting it anymore.  That's when I knew I had to GO GET SOME HELP and if that's a trip to the family doctor and a new prescription then that's what it takes!

Let me repeat: IF YOU NEED HELP GO GET IT.  Never be afraid to ask.

So that was three years ago. Last summer I totally lucked out and landed in the office of DR SANTASTIC!  He is awesome.  I feel so fortunate to finally find a pshrink who Gets me.  He figured early on that this ain't the right stuff for me.  The constant low-grade nausea and intermittent mild zapping shocks through my skull were solid indications.

I hope this isn't boring to read... i just feel it's important to share this stuff.  If blogging has taught me anything it's that I'm not alone with this stuff.

In January Dr Santastic started me on Wellbutrin.  So far so good.

We have talked about the whole tangled mess of ADHD and depression and a life without a diagnosis of  either/ both and all kinds of other heavy stuff...which I won't be sharing here cuz it's mine and it wouldn't help you anyways.  For various reasons we agreed to stop the Effexor and later try something for ADHD.  Last month we tried just lowering the dose and slowly wean me off of this but that just dragged it out and was fixing to be a long drawn out stretch of HELL.

I have a severe sensitivity to drugs.  All of 'em.  It took, like, 5 months of small agony to clear out the Celexa.  I can't do that.  Don't want to either.  A whole summer of misery and lost income...here's where I confess that I haven't been teaching... or even riding.  That's when you know there is something wrong with me.

Short story long:  I'M DOING THIS THE HARD FAST WAY.

Not exactly Cold Turkey.  Kinda room temperature turkey.  Yuck.

(Just so you know,  I'm not saying this is the way to go.  It's just the way I decided, with my doctor's advice.)

Last week I took out the morning dose.

Okay... not as bad as I thought...

Seriously I expected worse.

I was all set up for full on rock star level, Keef Richards style, sweating and puking and shivering on the floor of a hotel bathroom, chewing my own skin off horrible withdrawal.


Hmm.  Okay.  Don't want to eat but I've been like that for over a month now.  Shooting pains?  Yeah.  I've survived that before.  I reported it to Dr Santastic and he told me it's up to me to decide how I can take this...as I sat there with trembly hands and numb lips, trying to finish sentences... no I did not drive myself there.

I said, you know what, screw it.  I've washed the bedding, I pulled weeds, I wrote up lists of things the kids have to take over for me and warned the family.  I'm pretty much never alone in this house; if I got any withdrawal-induced psychotic ideas I'll be stopped.  I'm taken care of and if I'm gonna do it now's the time... Let's just DO THIS.  I wanna get it over with.


Saturday I cut out the last dose and here I am.

I feel pretty much medium-grade miserable.  Every time I move I feel sharp pains shooting through the back of my skull and often right through to my hands.  If I hold still I'm okay, sort of.  I sweat my way through the night.  I don't really want to eat at all.  I'm dizzy.  My hands are shaky and I'm a little off balance.

BUT 

it ain't as bad as I expected it to be!!!!!

I don't know how long this will take.  Weeks?  Months?  A couple more days?  Hey man, we'll get through this!

But dudes, people, readers, cyber pals.  Typing is kinda not happening right now so I don't think I'll be blogging much.  Just wanna drink water and read (when my prickly eyeballs can tolerate it) and not have that zapping pain every time I hit a key.  I'm in a surprisingly decent mood.  Can you all just kind of keep the party going in the comments section for me?  I'd appreciate that.  I'll check in sometimes.

SEE YOU ALL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS! 

I'm hick, I'm chic, and I'm a week late: American Idol highlights and dubious/ fantastic styling choices!!!

Yeah I know, it all happened a week ago, but I live with these young people who insist on using the computer for homework, like that's ever been a real legit computer usage reason ever in history.  Pffft.  Brainiac kids.  Anyways, I went out to the barn early that evening to catch this, and then of course report back to you all who couldn't be bothered cuz you knew I'd give you the highlights.  Basically it was STARPALOOZA and just when I thought they couldn't possibly dust off another one and trot it out on stage, oh wow, LOOK WHO IT IS!!!   By an hour and a half in, I was just about finished.  Yes, I think I was getting close to Famous Person Burnout. I changed into my jammies and stuck it through till 10:00 because... I had to.  I just had to.

First.  JENNIFER LOPEZ!!!!!

This is now officially my all time favourite picture of her.  

That jumpsuit thing looks scratchy, but clearly it is a One Piece Garment Of Happiness!!! If that's all it takes, I'll have one in every colour please.  

The Famous Person Parade started off with  Casey the Beard Guy and JACK BLACK!

What did they sing?  FAT BOTTOM GIRLS by Queen.  

Well, I just love that song.  

Have I ever mentioned that I adore Jack Black?  He's always in over-the-top mode, always goofing, always ON but the thing is, he's actually a really good singer.  Yeah, it's there, underneath the satire.  

So that was fun.  And they did not look like idiots.  Or maybe they did, but it looked right so I didn't notice?

Then.  THEN.  Something... amazing... happened.  

Judas Priest.  On Idol.  

I'm still trying to get my head around this and it's been a week.  That is Judas Frickin' Priest, people.  That bald man in head to toe black leather?  Rob Halford.  For real.  It was nice of Mr Halford to loan the kid some items of clothing from the Screaming For Vengeance era.

They did a thing with James Durbin, which had to be a dream come true.  For him, I mean.  He's got a voice that will shiver the wallpaper off the wall.  And here he is.  

HE WAS ON STAGE WITH JUDAS PRIEST.

FOR REAL.

Flames and spikes and studs and all.  It's a 70s metal daydream.  ONLY HE REALLY DID IT.

Judas Priest was on American Idol??????

From one extreme to the other....third runner-up Haley got the opportunity to sing with... wait for it... Tony Bennett!  Yes, THE Tony Bennett.

Wow.  I mean, just wow.  This guy is a living legend.  He sounds so good!  He's from the era when singers actually had to know how to sing.  And look what a class act the dude is.

And he's still so handsome!  He's 85 years old!  

It was a cute duet.  Well done!  

What a classy dude.  And doesn't she look lovely.  They're a nice couple.  They should make a record. 

You know who else showed up?  TOM JONES!

He's let his hair go grey, which I love, because dudes who are of great maturity look stoopid with bright red hair.  Or jet black hair.  I mean, come on, we know.  And grey hair can look soooo good on a man.

He's not doing the old swivel-hips routine like he did back in the 70s.  Did anybody else here ever watch the Tom Jones show?  Remember the intro where the spotlight reflects off the belt buckle?  And them tight pants and the shirt with no top buttons?  

 I was stuck to the TV anticipating the big notes, and yep, he nailed the money notes.  Also he wears clothes that cover up... everything and that's probably good, cuz it is not the 70s anymore. 

Nothing against the young fellas, but... I wonder if they felt like total noobs beside this guy.  (They should, really.)

Speaking of young fellas:  Here's young Scotty - yeah he won, no spoiler here, this is old news by now- with Tim McGraw, and the youngun's all this is one a my heroes oh man this is great and there's Tim all music biz veteran and composed and being the elder statesman of country music.  Raising up the next generation.  Wondering what Faith's making for supper tonight.

I wonder if Tim's hat is the same one he's been wearing on stage for the last twenty years.  (Is it twenty yet for him?  Feels like he's always been here.)  Like I wonder if he gets a new shiny black straw hat each spring and retires last year's hat to working status.  You know, when Faith makes him go mow the lawn and that sort of thing.

While we're on country music, let's have a look at the runner up, the absolutely adorable Lauren Alaina. Here's a picture that cracks me up.  

Carrie Underwood is thinking, "Those two hours I spent working my thighs and calves was worth it.  And the spray tan.  And the waxing.  Totally worth it. My legs are monuments of perfection! Just to prove it, I am flexing them right now!"

And 16 year old Lauren is just singing away, not chewing the scenery or stealing the show.  She's got something Carrie will probably never have: BACKSIDE.  I appreciate a girl with a good gravity defying derriere!  Booty girls, let's never think we're fat, let's love our shapes, and let's be glad we will always have a good place to sit!  

She's a good singer, seems to be a really nice kid, but her stylists need to be slapped.  Even Blondie Legs up there would look awful in black tights ending at the ankle paired with gaudy shoes with ankle straps. The alternative, though, would have been to put Lauren in a pair of really tacky cowboy boots, and by tacky I don't mean all the cool horse stuff in my barn.  No I mean tacky as in EWW.  As in, "Oh, duh, country singer = cowboy boots."  Slap your forehead and roll your eyes.

Those stylists have done enough damage already.

WHAT the CRAP is this????  Is this somebody's idea of something a country music diva should wear?  Even Scotty looks uncomfortable, like he is trying not to be alarmed at how awful this dress is, especially since she's putting on such a good smile, and also how relieved he is that he's a guy, and the wardrobe people go, "obviously, country singer = plaid shirt and jeans"  which in his case is just really lucky.

It is possible for a country singer to look good.  Scotty do.  

This girl is so cute.  Do you have any idea how hard I looked for white cowboy boots to wear with my wedding dress in 1991?  I'm not quite sure about this outfit though.  If they had her in a plain T shirt the same colour as his jacket... listen to me eh?  Like I'm an expert.  Wait, isn't this blog called Hick CHIC as in 

"stylishness and elegance, typically of a specified kind:  French chic | biker chic."

Ha, so there.  

Know who thinks she's all that?

Yawn.

Wearing things that aren't clothes, and as naked as possible in public without being illegal.

I'm bored.  Are you bored?

She even fake-fornicated with a backup dancer and I was STILL BORED.  

Now if she showed up in jeans and a plaid shirt I would be shocked.  

I keep thinking I should be bored with this chick, and yet I'm not.  Maybe it's because I keep finding pictures of her with ridiculous outfits and great facial expressions, like this one.

"Hey, yo, check out mah silver undaaaays!  Yeah!!!"

Also I am fascinated by the science of keeping the bazooms inside the ridiculous outfit.  Shirt glue?  It's a real thing, right?

Oh but if we're talking about ridiculous outfits, we need some LOPEZ!  Wheeeee!

Truth is, it started off as a Marc Anthony performance in Spanish.  The man has a golden throat.  Even if I find him slightly scary looking.  

But then SHE emerged from the smoke machine fog.

I love this.  I don't know what he was singing in Spanish but he's pointing at her butt.  

"I live with THAT!"

Yep, just another Wednesday evening in the Lopez-Anthony house.

Absolutely normal.

Just when I thought my brain would explode with unexpected appearances, this guy in a toque showed up, playing guitar, and Spiderman went zooming around...

...and I gave my head a shake and said, out loud, "Really?  Bono and Edge?  Idol, really?  Really really?"

Weeeeeird.  

I know I didn't dream this, because there's photographic proof, but seriously, really????

There was one thing I was waiting and hoping for.  AND IT HAPPENED!!!!

He finally showed all these young whippersnappers how to rock.  

He sang "Dream On" only without Aerosmith, which is understandable I guess. I have one complaint:  too short.  It was an abbreviated version with a verse, a chorus and then the famous outro.  

And you just know I was on the edge of the couch, holding my breath, because here comes the part all the noobs think they can sing, and that if they shriek it out it proves how awesome they are but they are just pale imitations because only one man, only one rock star is STEVEN TYLER.

He opens up that frightening fascinating mouth of his and people's HEADS EXPLODE.

This guy woke me up every morning when I was 16.  I rolled over in bed and heard his voice.

Yep, had the tape player right there so I could hit the Play button and wake up to Back In The Saddle.  It's one of my favourite songs ever.  When I get my imaginary TV show it'll be my theme song.  

Dude is 63 years old and he still rocks my warm woolly socks.  

Rockstaaaahhhhhhh: this is how it's done, noobs.  You've got about 40 years to get it right.

So anyways, this whole exercise was about giving some lucky youngster a really tight and limiting recording contract and supposedly a good media-bombing, while the 2nd and 3rd runner up wait a year, get signed by somebody else, and possibly have an actual career.  

I don't know why young Scotty here even bothered going this route, because I honestly think the kid is brilliant.  He's got the cute "yes ma'am" personality, a crooked smile, and a killer voice.  I mean he's gooood.  He's like 17 going on 28, mature in the way he presents himself and his singing skills.  That's my opinion.  He'd have been a star no matter what; maybe this little contest got him there quicker but it's kind of irrelevant.  

So he looked all dapper, and it really struck me how much a teenage boy can grow into his ears in less than a year.  Oh come on, I'm not being mean, I'm serious!  I'm the mother of a teenage boy and I know they're a funny collection of limbs and ears and feet that don't quite grow at the same rate.  

Man, these two are young.  They don't really seem young.  Except for that "Beauty and the Beast" dress.  Okay, it is on the pretty side of cute but mostly if you're a four year old girl and it's your birthday.  But she looks really happy!

Yeah giggle now while you can, kids.  Everybody looks back at what they were wearing when they were 16 and cringes.  

Now I don't know about you, but I think this looks like more than your average congratulations kiss.  This is a full on SMOOCH!  She's got her hands around his neck and face and all!  

Oh my gosh, it looks like these two were all falling-in-teenage-love while this show was happening.  

Now the publicists can go bomb the media with this story.  

You know, I was about this age when I met The Love Of My Life over twenty years ago.  Aw, wouldn't it be sweet if they end up being a real THING and stay together??  I mean, it's possible.  To do that though, they might want to consider getting the hell out of the entertainment biz.

I just hope she doesn't let the stylists from this show pick out her wedding dress.  

(I'm available and I'll work for horse feed.)