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Thursday, June 02, 2011

I'm hick, I'm chic, and I'm a week late: American Idol highlights and dubious/ fantastic styling choices!!!

Yeah I know, it all happened a week ago, but I live with these young people who insist on using the computer for homework, like that's ever been a real legit computer usage reason ever in history.  Pffft.  Brainiac kids.  Anyways, I went out to the barn early that evening to catch this, and then of course report back to you all who couldn't be bothered cuz you knew I'd give you the highlights.  Basically it was STARPALOOZA and just when I thought they couldn't possibly dust off another one and trot it out on stage, oh wow, LOOK WHO IT IS!!!   By an hour and a half in, I was just about finished.  Yes, I think I was getting close to Famous Person Burnout. I changed into my jammies and stuck it through till 10:00 because... I had to.  I just had to.

First.  JENNIFER LOPEZ!!!!!

This is now officially my all time favourite picture of her.  

That jumpsuit thing looks scratchy, but clearly it is a One Piece Garment Of Happiness!!! If that's all it takes, I'll have one in every colour please.  




The Famous Person Parade started off with  Casey the Beard Guy and JACK BLACK!


What did they sing?  FAT BOTTOM GIRLS by Queen.  

Well, I just love that song.  

Have I ever mentioned that I adore Jack Black?  He's always in over-the-top mode, always goofing, always ON but the thing is, he's actually a really good singer.  Yeah, it's there, underneath the satire.  

So that was fun.  And they did not look like idiots.  Or maybe they did, but it looked right so I didn't notice?


Then.  THEN.  Something... amazing... happened.  


Judas Priest.  On Idol.  

I'm still trying to get my head around this and it's been a week.  That is Judas Frickin' Priest, people.  That bald man in head to toe black leather?  Rob Halford.  For real.  It was nice of Mr Halford to loan the kid some items of clothing from the Screaming For Vengeance era.

They did a thing with James Durbin, which had to be a dream come true.  For him, I mean.  He's got a voice that will shiver the wallpaper off the wall.  And here he is.  

HE WAS ON STAGE WITH JUDAS PRIEST.

FOR REAL.


Flames and spikes and studs and all.  It's a 70s metal daydream.  ONLY HE REALLY DID IT.

Judas Priest was on American Idol??????


From one extreme to the other....third runner-up Haley got the opportunity to sing with... wait for it... Tony Bennett!  Yes, THE Tony Bennett.


Wow.  I mean, just wow.  This guy is a living legend.  He sounds so good!  He's from the era when singers actually had to know how to sing.  And look what a class act the dude is.

And he's still so handsome!  He's 85 years old!  


It was a cute duet.  Well done!  


What a classy dude.  And doesn't she look lovely.  They're a nice couple.  They should make a record. 




You know who else showed up?  TOM JONES!


He's let his hair go grey, which I love, because dudes who are of great maturity look stoopid with bright red hair.  Or jet black hair.  I mean, come on, we know.  And grey hair can look soooo good on a man.




 I was stuck to the TV anticipating the big notes, and yep, he nailed the money notes.  Also he wears clothes that cover up... everything and that's probably good, cuz it is not the 70s anymore. 

Nothing against the young fellas, but... I wonder if they felt like total noobs beside this guy.  (They should, really.)

Speaking of young fellas:  Here's young Scotty - yeah he won, no spoiler here, this is old news by now- with Tim McGraw, and the youngun's all this is one a my heroes oh man this is great and there's Tim all music biz veteran and composed and being the elder statesman of country music.  Raising up the next generation.  Wondering what Faith's making for supper tonight.

I wonder if Tim's hat is the same one he's been wearing on stage for the last twenty years.  (Is it twenty yet for him?  Feels like he's always been here.)  Like I wonder if he gets a new shiny black straw hat each spring and retires last year's hat to working status.  You know, when Faith makes him go mow the lawn and that sort of thing.

While we're on country music, let's have a look at the runner up, the absolutely adorable Lauren Alaina. Here's a picture that cracks me up.  


Carrie Underwood is thinking, "Those two hours I spent working my thighs and calves was worth it.  And the spray tan.  And the waxing.  Totally worth it. My legs are monuments of perfection! Just to prove it, I am flexing them right now!"
And 16 year old Lauren is just singing away, not chewing the scenery or stealing the show.  She's got something Carrie will probably never have: BACKSIDE.  I appreciate a girl with a good gravity defying derriere!  Booty girls, let's never think we're fat, let's love our shapes, and let's be glad we will always have a good place to sit!  

She's a good singer, seems to be a really nice kid, but her stylists need to be slapped.  Even Blondie Legs up there would look awful in black tights ending at the ankle paired with gaudy shoes with ankle straps. The alternative, though, would have been to put Lauren in a pair of really tacky cowboy boots, and by tacky I don't mean all the cool horse stuff in my barn.  No I mean tacky as in EWW.  As in, "Oh, duh, country singer = cowboy boots."  Slap your forehead and roll your eyes.


Those stylists have done enough damage already.


WHAT the CRAP is this????  Is this somebody's idea of something a country music diva should wear?  Even Scotty looks uncomfortable, like he is trying not to be alarmed at how awful this dress is, especially since she's putting on such a good smile, and also how relieved he is that he's a guy, and the wardrobe people go, "obviously, country singer = plaid shirt and jeans"  which in his case is just really lucky.

It is possible for a country singer to look good.  Scotty do.  


This girl is so cute.  Do you have any idea how hard I looked for white cowboy boots to wear with my wedding dress in 1991?  I'm not quite sure about this outfit though.  If they had her in a plain T shirt the same colour as his jacket... listen to me eh?  Like I'm an expert.  Wait, isn't this blog called Hick CHIC as in 
"stylishness and elegance, typically of a specified kind:  French chic biker chic."


Ha, so there.  

Know who thinks she's all that?



Yawn.

Wearing things that aren't clothes, and as naked as possible in public without being illegal.

I'm bored.  Are you bored?

She even fake-fornicated with a backup dancer and I was STILL BORED.  

Now if she showed up in jeans and a plaid shirt I would be shocked.  


I keep thinking I should be bored with this chick, and yet I'm not.  Maybe it's because I keep finding pictures of her with ridiculous outfits and great facial expressions, like this one.


"Hey, yo, check out mah silver undaaaays!  Yeah!!!"

Also I am fascinated by the science of keeping the bazooms inside the ridiculous outfit.  Shirt glue?  It's a real thing, right?

Oh but if we're talking about ridiculous outfits, we need some LOPEZ!  Wheeeee!


Truth is, it started off as a Marc Anthony performance in Spanish.  The man has a golden throat.  Even if I find him slightly scary looking.  

But then SHE emerged from the smoke machine fog.





I love this.  I don't know what he was singing in Spanish but he's pointing at her butt.  


"I live with THAT!"

Yep, just another Wednesday evening in the Lopez-Anthony house.

Absolutely normal.





Just when I thought my brain would explode with unexpected appearances, this guy in a toque showed up, playing guitar, and Spiderman went zooming around...


...and I gave my head a shake and said, out loud, "Really?  Bono and Edge?  Idol, really?  Really really?"

Weeeeeird.  

I know I didn't dream this, because there's photographic proof, but seriously, really????


There was one thing I was waiting and hoping for.  AND IT HAPPENED!!!!



He finally showed all these young whippersnappers how to rock.  






He sang "Dream On" only without Aerosmith, which is understandable I guess. I have one complaint:  too short.  It was an abbreviated version with a verse, a chorus and then the famous outro.  
And you just know I was on the edge of the couch, holding my breath, because here comes the part all the noobs think they can sing, and that if they shriek it out it proves how awesome they are but they are just pale imitations because only one man, only one rock star is STEVEN TYLER.


He opens up that frightening fascinating mouth of his and people's HEADS EXPLODE.

This guy woke me up every morning when I was 16.  I rolled over in bed and heard his voice.

Yep, had the tape player right there so I could hit the Play button and wake up to Back In The Saddle.  It's one of my favourite songs ever.  When I get my imaginary TV show it'll be my theme song.  

Dude is 63 years old and he still rocks my warm woolly socks.  


Rockstaaaahhhhhhh: this is how it's done, noobs.  You've got about 40 years to get it right.


So anyways, this whole exercise was about giving some lucky youngster a really tight and limiting recording contract and supposedly a good media-bombing, while the 2nd and 3rd runner up wait a year, get signed by somebody else, and possibly have an actual career.  

I don't know why young Scotty here even bothered going this route, because I honestly think the kid is brilliant.  He's got the cute "yes ma'am" personality, a crooked smile, and a killer voice.  I mean he's gooood.  He's like 17 going on 28, mature in the way he presents himself and his singing skills.  That's my opinion.  He'd have been a star no matter what; maybe this little contest got him there quicker but it's kind of irrelevant.  



So he looked all dapper, and it really struck me how much a teenage boy can grow into his ears in less than a year.  Oh come on, I'm not being mean, I'm serious!  I'm the mother of a teenage boy and I know they're a funny collection of limbs and ears and feet that don't quite grow at the same rate.  

Man, these two are young.  They don't really seem young.  Except for that "Beauty and the Beast" dress.  Okay, it is on the pretty side of cute but mostly if you're a four year old girl and it's your birthday.  But she looks really happy!



Yeah giggle now while you can, kids.  Everybody looks back at what they were wearing when they were 16 and cringes.  


Now I don't know about you, but I think this looks like more than your average congratulations kiss.  This is a full on SMOOCH!  She's got her hands around his neck and face and all!  


Oh my gosh, it looks like these two were all falling-in-teenage-love while this show was happening.  

Now the publicists can go bomb the media with this story.  

You know, I was about this age when I met The Love Of My Life over twenty years ago.  Aw, wouldn't it be sweet if they end up being a real THING and stay together??  I mean, it's possible.  To do that though, they might want to consider getting the hell out of the entertainment biz.

I just hope she doesn't let the stylists from this show pick out her wedding dress.  

(I'm available and I'll work for horse feed.)






8 comments:

jules said...

Just two things:
1. I wish they would have had some REAL fat bottom girls during that song. Did you see the girls? Svelte every one. Not a FAT BOTTOM on any of them. I watched them slap at what they deemed bottoms, but no way were they the FAT BOTTOM GIRLS that Queen sang about.

2. Tom Jones...Swoon. I watched him growing up. Swoon. He still has it, better looking that EVAH!

Good review.

Heidi the Hick said...

Jules I did notice but forgot to write it on! No kidding. They sing Fat Bottom Girls I expect some serious bumbum.

And yeah I think ol Tom jones is improving with age. I can't figure out exactly what it is about that man... The sideways smirk??? He can still sing. That's for sure!

Heidi Willis said...

I love these posts. You are so much more entertaining than the entertainment! :)

Those pictures are FABULOUS! I have no idea where you get your stellar photos, but they kick fat bottom!

And your last three lines slayed me. SLAYED ME!! You are so funny, girl!

Paul Tee said...

When they booted James, I turned my back on Idol. Even J-lo eye-candy couldn't temp me.

The fact is, I ain't no fan of country singing. Don't get me wrong, I love the country, the land, the air and sunshine.

Scotty can't possibly be as goody-goody as he acts. If he is, then he was artificially created in a testtube from DNA splice of Autry and Price, or something...

Sorry to have missed the rockout of Steve Tyler.

Loved your blog though. I should just wait to see what's your take on it, or on anything...

mommyrides said...

I'm with Heidi W - you are definitely better than the entertainment!!! Although James and Judas Priest rockin' it out on Idol comes pretty close!!! Yes it was a star studded evening!! Hoping next year goes even bigger!!!!

Heidi the Hick said...

Mommyrides- if they get any more star studded, look out for head explosions coming from my side of the road! Lookout! (Did they leave anybody out this year???)

Paul TEEEEE you're like meeeee. Love the country, listen to stuff heavier than a tractor, or something. haha. I love it - Scotty was created in a lab! I wonder what the formula is. Take some Randy Travis and some Gene Autry and then we need some dimpled aw shucks grins. Hmmm. Think up a Scotty formula and then get back to me. This could be interesting...

HW - That's what I'm here for! I had no idea I was funny until people started telling me on the blog. I don't think I'm that funny in real life! Funny LOOKIN maybe! As for the pictures... sadly, I waste hours of my day looking through websites that will let me take them. People mag, and Go Fug Yourself, and sometimes Celebuzz. News sites. The good thing is that washing machines can do their thing in the cellar while I waste precious time looking for pictures but it's fuuuuun!

mugwump said...

psssst...over in my other world, you know, the one where only the horsaii speak, nobody knows we never miss AI at our house, never ever.
I have blown off clients and skipped horse shows for the last five shows.
I'm willing to be outed over here though.

Heidi the Hick said...

Your secret is safe with me.


(I kind of already knew anyways)

Shhhhh