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Saturday, June 18, 2011

IT GOT THAT KIND OF WORSE. I am on the other side now. But I'm not back yet.

Day 19 of my Medically Supervised Cold Quit.  I'm in my nice dim bedroom.  I'm...SWEATING AND SHAKING.  It's okay.  Really, it is okay, because I am awake, and as long as I hold my head still I don't get the shocks.  I can sort of eat.  As of today I sort of sleep at night and stay awake during the day.  That's an improvement.  I'm not constantly clenching my jaw and I can speak above a whisper.

Yeah.  It got worse.  I'm not kidding or exaggerating when I say that I have touched Hell.

Not ready to talk about it yet.

But I will.

After a few more days of recovery.  I'll come back.

(Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. I honestly believe it has helped.)

10 comments:

Auntie said...

And more thoughts and prayers are coming your way, Heidi ... I was relieved to find your post and look forward to more as you make your way back. Love you!

Heidi the Hick said...

I love you too

Paul Tee said...

YIKES!

I'm much relieved to read you have come up briefly for air-- the rest sucks. I had hoped that by now the withdrawal would have eased. We were all worried by the long silence and were hoping, for the best. Thank you for letting us know how you are doing, not pretending or hiding it.

Stay strong! In the worst moments of my life, I would tell myself, "This too shall pass..." and hang on for dear life. Fight every negative thought with a good though. I wish I could help you somehow--anyhow. Know this for certain, you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Heidi the Hick said...

But Paul you have ready helped. I thought of you describing what it was like when you quit smoking and I also cleary remember when you kicked cancer's ass, so I kept that in mind. You'd understand. And I felt everybodys prayers. I really believe all those prayers help.

And you are right. This too shall pass. Everything does.

Whywudyabreedit said...

You hang in there girl! Sounds like you are a fighter not to be trifled with. You will get through this, you ARE getting through this. Take care of yourself.

hugs...

Biddie said...

Sh*t Heidi, I wish that I could make it better for you.
This just plain sucks.
Miss you.

Heidi Willis said...

Ditto what Paul said. And Biddie.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. And my admiration.

You are one tough chick.
xoxoxoxo

Heidi the Hick said...

Bid let's just plan your birthday party. I gotta be feeling better by then, right?

HW I don't know about tough, I don't feel tough. I am stubborn though.

I'll go with what Whywudya said: I am not to be trifled with.

I am feeling gradually better each day which is encouraging. Kind if frustrating because I feel like I should be up DOING STUFF but I'm not ready yet. I'm working on patience now. Damn so many lessons to learn in life.

And you are all helping and I appreciate it more than you can know. !!

pseudosu said...

You are a human being now, instead of a human doing, and that is just fine for now. :) Be kind to your little self. You're healing. Thinking about you.

Laura Crum said...

Heidi--Good wishes to you. I'm glad you enjoyed my trail ride blog post and I am hoping you will have happy times with your own horses soon. I have been through a clinical depression and I did not respond well to any anti-depressants--Wellbutrin almost pushed me off the edge. So though I have not been through what you are going through, I've had a little taste of that particular H-E-double hockeysticks. Hang in there. May good things come your way.