Monday, January 31, 2011

Pants! NOW!

*Quick, tell me what movie that's from!*

I watched the SAG awards last night.  It's so weird!  SAG stands for Screen Actor's Guild, but it's really a great excuse for me to make more immature boob jokes.  What?  We all like boobs, don't we?  Of course, I'll be composing a report on the awards show, because that's what I do: watch the awards, so you don't have to.  You're Welcome!!

Meanwhile, I am STILL fighting with laundry.  What the crap???  Are we really that dirty?  Depending on which way you want to see it... We're either the dirtiest people or the cleanest.  Glass half empty, glass half full.

I am behind on replying to emails.  I'm shamefully behind on phone calls, and pray my friends won't give up on me. My horses look bored.  Damn you Laundry, and your nasty sidekick, Dishes!

The Pants.

My sister Sweetie gave me a gift card for Christmas.  Today my daughter and I ventured into the store with the intention of getting me a new pair of pants.  I have two pairs of jeans that fit: one for riding, one for being seen in public.  There was no way I'd go into that store without my teenager.  No way.  I hate shopping for Pants.

Pants are a problem.  I'm not proportionate.  All these stores claim to have innovative pants features like "No-Gap waistband"  and "Curvy fit"  but apparently I am some weird shape that manufactured pants do not understand.  This is why me and Pants have a problematic history.  We just don't always get along.

It's really hard to buy clothes when you're shaped like me.


Anyways, I was ready to bolt after trying on one pair (Yeah, Curvy Fit my ass!)   and not trying on a second pair when I saw the price tag.  Hold me down, I want the heck outta there.  I was lamenting my waist-to-butt ratio when darling Annyong, the girl who looooves to shop, brought out one last pair... size 6, 30 length...and did they fit?  Hmmm.  Not awful.  A belt will be necessary but that's normal.  Maybe a little on the snug side but these new meds seem to be taking some weight off me, so...


They're sort of a muted grey plaid which sounds awful but they're--- wait for it--- nice.  Which will make Sweetie proud.  She's so well dressed and I suspect my wardrobe  of shlumpy old track pants and band T-shirts and hoodies might embarrass her just a little bit. Maybe not embarrass.  Maybe just inspires her to help!  

I mean, a girl can't wear evening gowns every day.

Not practical for cleaning out the barn.


Paul Tee said...

When shopping, it is always excellent to have the support and expertise of a teenager. When you look into a mirror, you see what you want to see, but a teenager will reflect exactly how the outside world sees you.

The clothing industry conforms to the average fit and form demographics of the general population and takes little heed of the statistically marginal, who do not fall within their ranges of standardization.

It's exactly with you in mind that we, at Dress-and-Go, have developed a patented revolutionary technique of making clothes for hard-to-fit people. The basic concept derives from space age synthetics that can be painted on, have it dry in two minutes and fit you like a second skin. It's cheep, comes in 16 rainbow colours, and when you're done, you simply wash it off. You can mix your colours freely, excellent for dressing to your mood.

This product is a highly recommended time and space saver. Just think of it, requires next to no closet space, and certainly no laundry. It's new and fresh every time, custom odours are optional, raging from the sublime to the very popular I-worked-9-hours-straight-in-this.

The only drawback, not recommended to expose to rain or other liquids. Also, to bear in mind, the material fits to form, whatever proportions that form might take, showing every bump or crevice.

For these and other innovative products, visit my Garage Sale on www.seeWordFactory.com

Heidi the Hick said...

Ha! Now we know where Lady GaGa shops!!!

Once again you made me snicker. Out loud.

Must go look at your site again...

Heidi Willis said...

I have no idea who those pants are supposed to fit, but I can never find jeans that don't gap at the waist and fit too snug in the thighs, even if they are no-gap loose-fit jeans.

I'd like to pretend it has nothing to do with my shape and everything to do with the numbskulls designing them.

Glad you got a great new pair! :)

Anonymous said...

"Heed! Pants! Now!"

So I Married an Axe Murderer?



Heidi the Hick said...

Ding ding ding! Jamie wins!!!!

"just look at 'is giant cranium. It's the size of a planet!"

And HW you have the same problem!?! Clearly the pants designers have no clue how to dress a woman ! We are the standard right ?

Heidi the Hick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.