The Hick Chic Guide to The Difference Between Cold and Very Very Cold

I'm just gonna come right out and say it: Don't insist that it's cold where you live if you're talking to a Canadian.  You will not win that argument.  Unless you live in Minnesota, North Dakota, Montana or Idaho.  Or like, Ukraine.  

Fellow Canadians?  Don't pick an argument about how cold it is where you live with anybody from Winnipeg.  I don't know why, but Manitoba is colder than where you are.  Just tellin' it like it is, folks.

Mind you, I'm cold for half the year.  I start wearing a toque in October.

And the further it's shoved down on my head, the better!  I want my delicate little ears covered!  
But I digress, just slightly.  

At what point are you justified in whining about the cold?  I'm here to help, with my compilation of the Indications Of Very, Very Cold.  Anything else is Just Cold.  (So man-up and wrap a scarf around your face and get to work, ok?)

IT'S VERY, VERY COLD IF:

-you can see your breath inside the house, it's very, very cold.  (Think I'm kidding?  In my childhood, our house had no heat upstairs.  After the electric baseboard heaters were wired up, it was bearable.  These days when we visit the farm, Mom sends Dad upstairs to turn on the heaters before we get there.  To think that he grew up like that... and she grew up with no electricity at all...)

-your snot freezes inside your nose within seconds of going outside.

-when you breathe in, your sinuses hurt.

-the diesel engine does NOT want to start.  You glow plug it four times before it splutters on, and then it runs reluctantly.

-there's frost inside the vehicle.

-after driving for twenty minutes, it's running smooth, but there's still no heat coming through the vents.

-the dog trots extra fast, and your walk is shorter but feels longer.

-horses leave the barn, go outside, take a wiz, and line up at the door to get back in again.  (Wimps!  They're wearing fur coats!  Geez.)

-the school keeps the kids in for recess.  (Wimps!  They're wearing snowsuits!  Geez.  Actually I'm just jealous because in the 70s we got out butts kicked out no matter what!)

-you're wearing long johns under your pants, a T shirt plus long sleeved shirt plus sweater, and covered up with Grandma's crocheted blanket, and there's a chubby Pug on your feet, and you're just starting to feel contently warm.

-your old housecat hasn't been seen much lately, because he's on a bed... under the blankets.

-the barn cats have made a nest in the shavings in the corner of a horse's stall. They'll brave the possibility of hooves for that warm place to huddle up for the night.  (It is cute, isn't it?)

-your mom keeps talking about retiring from her job and not leaving the house until April.

-your son wears ski goggles to school, in order to shield his eyeballs from the stinging cold.

-he's also wearing a bright orange ski mask - it's technically a warm colour.  Every little bit helps.

-your daughter has actually put on a long sleeved shirt under her sweater, and wears real winter boots to school instead of those silly fake Ugg-boots.

-it takes the dog about 2.8 seconds to get outside, across the deck, down the steps, take a wiz, and run back to the door.  

-it's -15 Celsius and that's the warmest it's been all week.  

So, since I don't have to leave for work yet, I'm back in bed with the very warm sleeping man, covered in  three layers of flannel, thick comforter, and thermal blankets, with snoring hot-potato dog, and ancient cat.  I think my toes are thawing out.  We must think warm thoughts.  

This always works for me.

Bundle up, cover your skin, and think warm thoughts!

ps- although I didn't personally send it, I apologize for the cold air, to all my southern neighbours. I may be grandstanding that it's colder up here, but I feel your pain.  Believe me, I feel it!