Friday, January 16, 2009

The Hick Chic Guide to The Difference Between Cold and Very Very Cold

I'm just gonna come right out and say it: Don't insist that it's cold where you live if you're talking to a Canadian.  You will not win that argument.  Unless you live in Minnesota, North Dakota, Montana or Idaho.  Or like, Ukraine.  

Fellow Canadians?  Don't pick an argument about how cold it is where you live with anybody from Winnipeg.  I don't know why, but Manitoba is colder than where you are.  Just tellin' it like it is, folks.

Mind you, I'm cold for half the year.  I start wearing a toque in October.

And the further it's shoved down on my head, the better!  I want my delicate little ears covered!  
But I digress, just slightly.  

At what point are you justified in whining about the cold?  I'm here to help, with my compilation of the Indications Of Very, Very Cold.  Anything else is Just Cold.  (So man-up and wrap a scarf around your face and get to work, ok?)


-you can see your breath inside the house, it's very, very cold.  (Think I'm kidding?  In my childhood, our house had no heat upstairs.  After the electric baseboard heaters were wired up, it was bearable.  These days when we visit the farm, Mom sends Dad upstairs to turn on the heaters before we get there.  To think that he grew up like that... and she grew up with no electricity at all...)

-your snot freezes inside your nose within seconds of going outside.

-when you breathe in, your sinuses hurt.

-the diesel engine does NOT want to start.  You glow plug it four times before it splutters on, and then it runs reluctantly.

-there's frost inside the vehicle.

-after driving for twenty minutes, it's running smooth, but there's still no heat coming through the vents.

-the dog trots extra fast, and your walk is shorter but feels longer.

-horses leave the barn, go outside, take a wiz, and line up at the door to get back in again.  (Wimps!  They're wearing fur coats!  Geez.)

-the school keeps the kids in for recess.  (Wimps!  They're wearing snowsuits!  Geez.  Actually I'm just jealous because in the 70s we got out butts kicked out no matter what!)

-you're wearing long johns under your pants, a T shirt plus long sleeved shirt plus sweater, and covered up with Grandma's crocheted blanket, and there's a chubby Pug on your feet, and you're just starting to feel contently warm.

-your old housecat hasn't been seen much lately, because he's on a bed... under the blankets.

-the barn cats have made a nest in the shavings in the corner of a horse's stall. They'll brave the possibility of hooves for that warm place to huddle up for the night.  (It is cute, isn't it?)

-your mom keeps talking about retiring from her job and not leaving the house until April.

-your son wears ski goggles to school, in order to shield his eyeballs from the stinging cold.

-he's also wearing a bright orange ski mask - it's technically a warm colour.  Every little bit helps.

-your daughter has actually put on a long sleeved shirt under her sweater, and wears real winter boots to school instead of those silly fake Ugg-boots.

-it takes the dog about 2.8 seconds to get outside, across the deck, down the steps, take a wiz, and run back to the door.  

-it's -15 Celsius and that's the warmest it's been all week.  

So, since I don't have to leave for work yet, I'm back in bed with the very warm sleeping man, covered in  three layers of flannel, thick comforter, and thermal blankets, with snoring hot-potato dog, and ancient cat.  I think my toes are thawing out.  We must think warm thoughts.  

This always works for me.

Bundle up, cover your skin, and think warm thoughts!

ps- although I didn't personally send it, I apologize for the cold air, to all my southern neighbours. I may be grandstanding that it's colder up here, but I feel your pain.  Believe me, I feel it!


Trailboss said...

I have been to Maniatiba! My high school band went for a competition back in the 70's.

I won't talk about how cold it is here except to say I wish it would go away.

Trailboss said...

PS, Johnny is looking mighty good there sister!

Nicole said...

Okay, Heidi. You win the ice sculpture trophy. I will try to stop whining about the chill here in northern AZ.

Lynn Fisher said...

Heidi, thank you photos. I'm feeling warmer already.
-Lynn (Minneapolis, where it was minus 21 degree farenheit yesterday, and warmed all the way "up" to minus 18 today....heatwave)

dilling said...

shiver me timbers....in every sense of those words.

Olly said...

Haha, I used to live in Manitoba. Too much frostbite damage!

Too lazy to send the link, but my daughter showed me something funny on youtube. Look up "I've Got A Jar Of Dirt" for a good Capt Jack laugh!

Julie said...

Don't forget Vermont! It was -30F at my house last night (that's pushing -40C)...talk about snot freezing weather!

Heidi said...

okay, this just makes me feel bad about my post and whining! It's only six below today, and while my snot froze and my lungs freeze up when I breathe, the car will get warm after fifteen minutes, and I have heat (that great pellet stove - remember??)

And I know next week it'll be in the 20s.

So thanks for a little perspective. And a little Johnny as well. I'm feeling hotter .... er, I mean warmer already!

Marni said...

But I have to fuss!! 16-freakin degrees in GEORGIA is sooooo cold!

I love the "hot potato" description of the dog... that is such a great comparison!

Marni said...

AND - when it is 36 degrees in ALASKA and we are 20 degrees colder in the south?... not happy.

CindyDianne said...

Heidi - Thanks for apologizing for sending your cold ass weather down here. You know, we live way down here because we don't really like the cold. Just sayin!

And though I don't hold you personally responsible for the current cold conditions, I am sure it is Canada's fault! ;-)

JKB said...


Those are some nice warm pics. :)

Raised my blood pressure, anyways.

millhousethecat said...

OK, you win, but in PA today we did keep the kids in at recess, it was cold enough to see my breath if I sat at my desk in my classroom (which is by the windows), and my snot is now thawing (since I'm in the house now).

However, you do win.

I would've moved a looooong time ago!

Dysd Housewife said...

Okay so, you shouldn't have posted the picture. Cuz well, it made me forget everything you posted about..

Biddie said...

How about so cold that your pipes burst? Not like MINE, but you know, out on the street.
I am not going out until Tuesday. Too cold, but I have to on Tuesday. I am in until then :)

Whywudyabreedit said...

That was beautiful, I feel warmer already! I am not trying to compete here, cuz there is just no way... But a couple of weeks ago the doors to my truck were frozen shut. The drivers side door is on the down sun side in the morning, and no way the lock was going to budge. I had to go in through the passenger side door, after prying it open with a crack of ice, to start my truck so it could warm up. After 10 min of warming up I still couldn't budge the drivers side door lock so I had to grovel my way across the front, over a bunch of crap, in order to get behind the wheel. That seemed pretty cold to me =)

My heater never works in the winter, works great all summer though, even when it is off. Gotta love my old diesel!

marsh to the fore said...

Lord I can't claim anything. I have two sisters freezing in La Crosse, Wisconsin. Does that count?

Heidi the Hick said...

Marsh, Wisconsin counts!

Whywudya- THAT is exactly what I'm talking about! When the car and truck both have doors frozen shut, you just wanna go back in the house for a little cry. Can't cry outside, cuz your face will freeze...

Bid, little mini-hibernation? That's alright. Let's hope it's warmer than minus one million on Tuesday!

D Housewife- good! That was the intention! He's the perfect distraction, eh?

Sherry if you can see your breath while indoors it counts. I can't move though; my roots are too deep and besides, I really do love Ontario. It's beautiful. Believe it or not, even the cold is beautiful to look at.

Cindy, yeah, it's fair. The cold didn't come to you from Mexico, it came from Canada! The worse part is, in the south, you are just not prepared for cold!

Marni, like I said. If winter to you means that the puddles have a thin layer of ice on them... then this winter has got you shivering. And I"m sure you guys in Hotlanta don't have a huge snowplow budget.

Heidi, you know, perspective and some Johnny always makes me feel better too!

Julie, I forgot Vermont... you guys are practically snuggling up to Quebec, not? Yeah it's Canada type cold there too. You have my sympathies!

Okay Ollie, you know what I'm talking about when I say Manitoba!

(I saw the "Jar of Dirt" video- it's awesome!!)

Dilling... you are just not built for this, you poor thing. But your comment was perfect! Clearly your brain has not frozen!

Lynn F, you are welcome!

Nicole thanks! I'll keep my ice trophy on my back porch. It'll look awesome beside my picnic table snow sculpture.

Trailboss-Where in Manitoba have you been? I've only been to Winnipeg.

And yeah, I'm biased, but I think Johnny's looking pretty warm in that last pic!

Sydney said...

-15? It was -29 the other night. You don't happen to be close to Southern Ontario do you? :P

Heidi the Hick said...

Southern Ontario, whoo hoo!


hey, the bright side is, it's all the way up to -6 today.

G.P. said...

checkin in from montana... so i can testify to this cold... .makes me plum cranky when i cant ride the horses and we're snowed in with those drifts...

great list :)
gp in montana

jules said...

Oh Yeah! Those kind of warm thought are EXACTLY what I like to think. Yum! I want to be where HE is!