Thursday, February 07, 2008


I don't have insomnia. I just don't sleep well.

I never have. I frustrated my mother when I was little because I didn't sleep enough for her! I remember being tired a lot when I was a teenager. Like, a lot. I couldn't eat enough or sleep enough. Actually, that's kind of how the last two weeks have been going for me too, only since I'm not growing anymore (I hope) I'm trying not to eat so much!

Last night this half of Ontario got hit with some serious snow. I shoveled the driveway for a half hour, and three hours later it looked like I'd done nothing. I called up Jethro at work and begged him to stay the night at the studio. It turns out they had a little sleepover at the studio. He and two other engineers raided the closets for pillows and blankets and each claimed a couch. They didn't open their eyes til 10:30 this morning. Jethro assures me that there's not a drop of alcohol at the studio and they were all just really tired from working. No drunken rock and roll pass out parties.

Anyways. I had to convince the Pug to abandon his watch at the front steps and come to bed. He sat on his mat beside my bed and stared up at me with his big mournful eyes. I considered the lack of a nice warm guy to place my cold feet on, and the lack of snoring, with my husband being gone. Normally when he stays at the studio all night it's accidental. He sort of closes his eyes while taking a little break on the couch at the back of the control room, and next thing he knows, his cell phone is ringing, and it's me making sure he accidentally fell asleep at the studio rather than in the car on the highway. Sometimes I glare at him knowingly before he leaves for work, knowingly because I damn well know after 20 years which sessions are going to take waaaay too long, and hand him a bag of clean clothes before he leaves. All winter he's been averaging two nights a week at the studio. So I'm used to this. It's nothing new.

But last night I gave in. I let the dog sleep on the bed, warming my feet and providing the snoring that either keeps me awake or lulls me to sleep.

At some point I dreamed that I was shopping for long johns and wooly socks and hoodies with Dallas Green. My dreams are weird like that. It makes sense though- he's quite the snappy dresser.

And if I'm ever in an elevator with him again in real life, this time I am going to talk to him. Yes I finally am.

It's no wonder I wake up tired every morning. It's either dreams of grocery shopping with Brad Pitt or drawing cartoons with Johnny Depp and who can get a good rest with all that fun????

It's not all fun, though.

There's just one thing wrong lately. I am actually surprised at how much it bothers me and how I haven't been able to shake it for the last two weeks.

I can't stop thinking about Heath Ledger.

His was an accidental death caused by mixing sleeping pills, painkillers and anti anxiety drugs. All legal and helpful things that a doctor prescribes.

I've had my share of anti- anxiety drugs, but I've never taken sleeping pills. I have considered it, but never felt I was sleepless enough to go to that extreme. I have chosen instead to stay in my bed, in the dark, and let my mind wander. I get up in the morning tired but big deal. That's just normal for me.

Some of us just can't shut off our brains at night. For some, the results shift from nuisance to tragedy.

I thank God for every drop of sleep. I'm serious. I had a few years where I couldn't sleep longer than a few hours at a time because my babies needed me. I never know what hour my husband will come home. I have two critters who sometimes wake me up. Every minute of sleep is precious.

So Jethro, who has had maybe two nights in his life that left him blinking in the dark, went out for a bite to eat this morning with the other guys, braving the snowy city streets. It's a bright morning full of the sounds of snow blowers and the scraping of snow plows. He slept solidly through four of my phone calls before waking up. He's back up and at it. He's just a phone call away from me. I know where he is.

And we get on with our day.


dilling said...

I am a bad sleeper sometimes and sometimes like a hibernating bear. Each comes in waves. In the times I don't sleep, I might be tempted to take something other than Valerian...it feels real bad every day, but stories about things like Ambien scare me too much.
Heath's death is too sad for words...and I doubt that anyone should have that many prescriptions at all. How can we possibly know all the interactions of those drugs...and how can we really know it was accidental?
Anyhoo, you know, we relented and let Eem-er on the bed one night about six months ago...she's still there right now! Good luck explaining things to the Pug.

Heidi the Hick said...

Yeah, the dog on the bed thing... that was Jethro's idea. I put up with it for a while and then said, NO! One snorer is enough. He sleeps beside the bed but freaks out every time the cat jumps on the bed. Jealous little monster.

As for drug interactions...scary. I heard, but couldn't quickly locate the news report, that he had prescriptions from a couple of different doctors in NY and London England. And also that he was fighting off pneumonia.

We'll never really know.

It's just damn sad.

Biddie said...

Heidi, you know that I don't let The Pug sleep on MY bed when he's here. Right?
Yeah, sleeping pills. I take em. Not all of the time, but sometimes. I get to the point where I NEED to sleep. Like yesterday, I was walking into walls. I was lucky enough to just lay down and have a nap. At night, it's not like that.
I wonder about dr.'s that give out Rx's like candy. Shawn's mom is way over medicated. I wonder how it is that an 81 yr old woman can survive all of the meds that she takes. Makes you wonder.

Tod said...

I can't sleep either. I used to, like a log. But now I generally wake up with pins and needles because of my back problem. Sodding back...

It is sad about Heath Ledger. I never quite understand how stars get into such a mess.

And I like reading about your day. :)

Heidi the Hick said...

Um, yeah...I know!!!

I guess I've been always been sleep deprived just to before the desperation stage. I haven't gone two days without sleeping.

Drugs just kinda scare me. I know it can be totally helpful, and necessary at times, but I think we're very quick to go that route in our world.

Heidi the Hick said...

Tod, l have the same problem! Not pins and needles in my back, but just stiff and painful.

Well, I'm not that bad off. Still breathing!

JKB said...

I sleep like a log. And I can sleep anywhere.

It drives the hubs crazy - any little twitch and he's up, like you. ;)

Then the catz always sleep with me when he's not there (don't tell him, it's our little secret).

At least the catz don't snore.

coffeypot said...

From the man's stand point, thank you for understanding Jethro's job and the time it takes to do it and the toll it takes on the body. Some women are so insecure that they can't stand it when shit happens and one has to adjust. Because of you, he is able to do the job well enough to get his nomination. He should thank you - which I'm sure he does because he knows what he has at home.

Olly said...

Im with you on the sleep thing. I can usually fall asleep, but wake up 2 hours later. Sometimes I can't drift off at all. It seems to snowball on me. After about the 4th sleepless night I'll relent and take 1/2 of a Gravol. I find it helps and doesn't make me groggy the next morning. It breaks the no sleep cycle for me, too. We anxious people just have faulty off switches!

Those furry little monsters always end up sleeping where ever they want. You bet that after you leave they are up on the bed, lol.

Heidi the Hick said...

Olly- "We anxious people just have faulty off switches!" Ha! Ain't that the truth!

Coffeypot, you know what? Thank you. That was very nice of you to recognize that. Luckily he can fall asleep anywhere anytime but I'm serious about him not taking any chances with sleep deprivation. I don't like going to bed without him but his safety means more to me, so if he has to sleep at work, so be it. (I'm not insecure about where he is!!)

JKB- your catz don't shed either, do they! My ancient cat sleeps right under the covers now, or on my pillow around my head. I never used to allow that, but he's old. He can do whatever he wants now. And everybody else better get used to it!

terry said...

i have a really hard time shutting my brain off at night too, so i also feel somewhat heartsick about heath.

and trying to explain what it feels like to be so desperately in need of sleep and maybe even in physical pain to people who don't understand has just been impossible.

CindyDianne said...

I go to sleep quick and wake often, tossing and turning and snoring. KB takes forever to go to sleep but usually manages to stay asleep. Aren't we quite a pair?

I can't wait to hear about your conversation with Dallas.

Heidi the Hick said...

Yeah I can't wait to have that conversation....!

Well folks, another crappy night and here I am feeling queasy and awful this morning. blahhhhhhhhh

Your Friday fun might not happen until about 5 this afternoon. Hang on.

cadbury_vw said...

i'm glad that he heeds your exhortations to be safe. when she worked out of town, sometimes my stbx would drive home for 2 hours in hell blizzards out here in the frozen wasteland

i would be so afraid

i am glad he is safe, and you felt comfortable enough to sleep