The Monday Report: with a generous side order of Grammy Report

Okay. I've been churched, mothered, and breathed on by two speckled horses. All I need now is to dye my hair pink and I'm all set. Yep, problems solved. Mostly. My next blog post will be about the care of fuzzy horses in the frozen Canadian winter. Dude, it was COLD this weekend. Being Canadian, we just loooooove to talk about the weather. Yesterday we drove home in whiteouts. But we got home.

...Just in time for the Grammy Awards. I'm telling you about it here, instead of over next door because I'm lazy and heck, aren't we all? Am I the only one who watched it? What did you all think? If you didn't watch it, no problem, because I have condensed it down for your enjoyment!

Jethro had to go to work, but the kids and I, and our special guest Grandpar, hunkered down to watch. Grandmar, not a fan of popular music, opted to go lie on the upstairs couch. Hanging with Grandpar is a whole other experience. He is an expert of all things classical and operatic- in other words, music I did not grow up with. The first thing we discussed was the opening act: Alicia Keys singing along with Frank Sinatra on a screen.




Okay.

I think we can be done with this gimmick now.

And let me just say that Sinatra's career was pre- ProTools. I was reminded again and again throughout this big 50th anniversary show that people really had to sing back then. There would be no dude in a dimly lit room, sifting through digital files and clicking each note into tune. Of course, this very process is the thing that generates grocery money for my family... so I'm not knocking it completely...but, you know????

Anyways. Why do I never recognize Alicia Keys? She's a pretty lady. But I never know it's her.




Here she is later with John Mayer, he of the contorted guitar face, battered Fender, and wicked playing:


Do you all know Ms Keys when you see her? The only other person I regularly fail to recognize in pictures is myself. But I digress.

Carrie Underwood came out to sing "Before He Cheats" wearing some kind of vinyl outfit and with some kind of Stomp performance going on behind her. It was cool, but the fun totally got sucked out of it.



Gramps commented that all the ostentatious wailing is really quite distracted and suspects that it's a way to disguise a lack of understanding of musical notes. I said nothing.

Prince slid onstage all tiny and perfect, said something cool that I forgot instantly, and left. The Time did a little reunion gig. Remember? Oh ee oh ee oh. If you're my age, think of high school. Those guys are pretty light on their feet 20 years later. Can't say I missed the keytar but there it was.


Then Rihanna came out in this bizarre dress that looked like emu feathers, which I gotta admit I kind of dig, and her waist was about 18 inches around. Huh?




Anyways, we all still love the Beatles. Sir George and Young Giles collected a trophy and Ringo was Ringo.


ME: Behold the awesomeness of Ringo Starr.
GIRL: Octopus' Garden.
ME: He wrote it and he sang it.
GIRL: He's awesome. I love him.

Then it was Kanye time. Oh wait, he'd be upset that it's not announced grandly enough. KANYE WEST TOOK THE STAGE. Despite my hatred for that song, I confess, that was a friggin cool performance. I mean, he was wearing GLOW IN THE DARK SUNGLASSES...


...which Bucky decided were the most useless thing ever invented but darnit NOW WE MUST HAVE A PAIR.

The robot guys were up there and everything. It was COOO-OOOO-AL! (At least that's what Bucky said.)

Then Kanye sang a song about his deceased mother, and I feel awful for the guy. He was all choked up and everything. It was a sweet tribute to a lady who did all she could for her kid. Kanye is undeniably talented - even Grandpar thought so. I managed to not choke up, for once in my life. Am I becoming hardened and heartless?

I was underwhelmed (if that's a word...I know it's not cuz I looked it up...) by the Fergie/ John Legend song.


I really liked her hair though. Mine looks like that after an afternoon in the garden. Mmmm....garden. Actually my hair looks like that when I dress up too. Can't take me anywhere.

AND THEN. Cher cracked a joke about how old she is- awesome! AND THEN. Beyonce gave us a little history lesson on the Greatest Divas of Our Time. AND THEN!!!



TINA TURNER! She is 68 years old and moves pretty much just like she did 20 years ago and 20 years before that. Beyonce and Tina did "Proud Mary" which was just....you know? Wow.



If my butt looks that good when I'm 68 you're darn right I'm gonna wear that. I have never worn silver shinypants in my life but I think I'd start. Heck yes.

Y'know, Beyonce could possibly be at the 100th Grammys, when she's Tina's age now. It could happen.

What I really love is that their silver outfits reflected on their skin. They're like disco balls.




So I ask you, what awards show is complete without the World's Most Reliable Rockers, The Foo Fighters? Grandpar liked Dave Grohl's clear notes with just the right amount of vibrato at the end of each line. He did not like the shouty choruses so much. What I have to say is this: Dave Grohl has lovely, shiny, smooth hair. Daaaaaaaave Groooooohhhhhhhl! Also he and Taylor Hawkins appear to be brothers now.


I was just excited that John Paul Jones was conducting the...Grammy Moment Orchestra???? I did not ask Grandpar if JPJ was really conducting. I didn't want to know. I love JPJ no matter what. End of story.

I also love, love, love Brad Paisley. Wanna know just how perfect he is? Grandpar was impressed. Okay? Need I say more?




Sadly, Aretha Franklin was trotted out at the 2-hour mark and I was getting bored.


I love this whole awards show spectacle, but man. zzzzzzzzzz. It really is a long, boring, drawn out affair. I cannot imagine how grueling it is for those who spend the whole day at it. I know how long the Juno awards take for the Saturday night black tie event. It takes three hours just to eat dinner. This has got to be painful. What are there, like, 400 awards??? But it doesn't matter, because they put Aretha on the stage. I had to let Aretha take me to church. I mean c'mon. Aretha.

I thought Feist was cute and fun. I couldn't find a picture of her though. That's okay because she'll likely win a truckload of Juno awards later this spring.

Okay so I wasn't going to mention it, but Kid Rock flirted shamelessly with a cute lil ol lady who was a performer at the first Grammy show in 1958. Shamelessly? Just....I am sorry I brought it up and we need not ever speak of it again.

Vince Gill got a Grammy handed to him by a Beatle, then Thanked all the musicians (Yes!) and spoke the best quote of the night:


"MUSIC IS THE REAL DEMOCRACY."

Doesn't Vince look like somebody's dad? He's such a sweet guy.

Grandpar and my Girl really enjoyed the Herbie Hancock/ Lang Long duet of Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue. Twin Steinway pianos with the lids off. It was very cool.

We ended the evening at 11 pm, at what I figured was THE performance of the night, from a girl who wasn't even there. From a satellite link in London England, Amy Winehouse finished the thing off. Just stuck a fork in it. She was perfectly disproportionate with her skinny legs and towering beehive.



I gotta say... she looks...Good!

I found myself wondering what year it was...bizarro 1962? She sang "You Know I'm No Good" with a cheeky wink, and then sang "Rehab" which was just perfect considering her trainwreck of a life and the whole reason why she was in England instead of the US. She's still a mess- her movements are jerky and her knees knock together- but hot damn the girl can sing. She doesn't sound like anybody else, and her time is perfect. She's right in the pocket. And she's fronting one heck of a hot band.



Here's how good she is: She can now count among her fans, a 71 year old ex-Brit retired high school shop teacher who plays the violin in the community orchestra and is right now on a plane back to Florider.



When she won her award, she went catatonic for a few seconds while her band jumped up and down. Then she hugged her mum and thanked a bunch of blokes including her darling Blake who is incarcerated. Nice! Grandpar looked over at me and said, "Now that's a right good Cockney accent, she is." And he would know.

I was done. I chased the kids into bed. I missed Jerry Lee Lewis and Little Richard. And John Fogerty. Damn! Here's where I slap my forehead!!!


Is there a painting of Little Richard somewhere in an attic, a portrait of what he'd look like if he aged like a normal human? LITTLE RICHARD! Crazy. I need to look up a video clip of this. I hear ol Jerry Lee is still The Killer.

I also missed Herbie Hancock's Album of the Year award, which apparently has a lot of people stunned.




Jethro knows a lot of musicians who will be very happy with this.

I really should have stayed up but Grandmar and Grandpar needed the fold out couch.

And that was three hours of my life I'll never get back, folks. All in the name of RESEARCH. I think I might stuff some dead roses into my straggly nest of pink hair when I go do my red carpet thing!!!!


Hey, it's the family business. These things are important.

On a slightly different note, I realized this morning that I met the man of my dreams, love of my life, 21 years ago today. I can't say I knew that the long haired, big footed rockdog leaning on his locker would be my husband four years later. And just LOOKATUSNOW!!!!!