God Help Me, I Love the Music Biz: 2007 HICK CHIC GRAMMY REPORT

I do love the Grammy Awards, even if it's bloated, self congratulatory and boring! I also love all of you, my readers, my blog buddies! I endure the sweet torture so that you don't have to. I'm takin' it for our team, okay?

This is Awards Show Season!! I set up the Awards Show Season Tree and put up my Awards Show Season Decorations! Okay I don't really do that because I'm too lazy but I do hunker down with the remote and the kids and the dog and cat, and a bottle of beer and a bowl of popcorn. I share the popcorn but not the beer. Good times.

Okay first of all, I missed the Police. I was talking to my mom on the phone about my Dad avoiding frostbite while snowblowing with the tractor and didn't get to the TV on time. I have mixed feelings about this. While my Dad's fingers and toes are worth more than a Police reunion performance, I was curious, and yet hesitant, because what if they totally sucked?




And the day after I'm still confused because one report stated a standing ovation, while another claimed that it was so lame nobody stood up. Whatever. I missed it, and Dad's got new mitts.



Next, Joan Baez introduced the Dixie Chicks.
I'm gonna come right out and say it- she looks great. Of course she's got wrinkles- how old is she? She righteously deserves them- and look how fit she is, and her beautiful silver hair.

As for the Dixie Chicks, the only thing I didn't like about this performance was the new Natalie Maines Serious Artist Hairdo.

Otherwise I thought the whole thing was very heartfelt, which can be difficult when surrounded by a huge string section and 40 guitar players. I'd love to see this with fewer musicians but they done good.

May I say that Prince is the coolest? Am I ready to admit that I really dug him in the 80s? Listening to my Purple Rain cassette while staring out the window at the barn in a snowstorm?
This man is so cool that IF he were to sweat it would be drops of liquid menthol.

Beyonce. Ah, Beyonce. So physically perfect. So abundantly talented. So insanely gorgeous. I'm so tired of her.
I really am. I'm sorry. This was her "Jennifer Who" performance and while it was very good I couldn't help but notice the amount of reverb on her mic. An attempt at more magnificence?? Ever since she lost weight I hardly recognize her. At least she's not white and blonde, because then she'd really blend, and it's just not right for Beyonce to blend.

Mary J Blige. The only woman who can make Bono insignificant.
She thanks God and actually sounds like she means it! She squeezed in more Thank Yous than anybody else and reeled off at least 50 just during the Wrap It Up music! I think she had a really good night and well deserved.


Shakira. Gawd. Listen, I dig her action- I have great respect for her honest hips and wish I could do that. I could, once, back when I didn't actually have hips yet. If I keep up my Pilates maybe I'll attempt it when nobody's looking...and I do have hair like that every time it rains...
...but WHO the HELL gave this girl permission to sing? Yeeeesh! Does she need her sinuses unblocked? This is the second awards show that I turned the volume down on her.


Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder. Stevie does not know what he's wearing, so I'll not say nasty things about his clothes. Tony thanked Target. He knows where his bread gets buttered. He's been doing this thing long enough to know.

My daughter loves Tony Bennett and I'm okay with that.

That Timberlake kid, who sat with his mom and was the only other person who spent more time onstage than Mary J?
Y'know, he's pretty talented. He should stick with this music thing. He could really do something with it.

The Corrine Bailey Rae/ John Legend/ John Mayer thing would have been lovely if it weren't for the distortion. I don't know. Being married to a recording engineer has ruined me. I can't listen to that without thinking that these guys are supposed to know how to avoid that. It's the friggin Grammys. Hire guys who know what the f**k they're doing. I know it's a big production but geez. Anyways. Three very talented people who sounded great together. I wish I could have found a picture of that performance.

Speaking of John Mayer... he cracks me up. He's starting to look a little bit Edward Scissorhands with the hair and the paleness. I like it, because I love Edward forever. But he's so funny! He either looks totally smoked up...
or in a strange combination of ecstasy and agony...

and I really hope he was joking on the red carpet about the tux being for his wedding in May. That's just wrong.

Gnarls Barkley proved that a good song can be totally screwed with and still work. They covered their own song.
This guy is huge and has an amazing voice and a hell of a lot of white teeth. My daughter thinks he's awesome.

Ludacris thanked Oprah. I had no idea she was a big hip hop fan. What the heck do I know...and why did he keep his shades on? That's so messed up rock star. Stop that. Only Prince can do that.

I was rather confused that Dixie Chicks won Best Country Album because I have this album, and it ain't country. In fact I think it's a crap album. I know it's hard to separate it from that political and personal controversy, but on a strictly musical basis, it's crap. I said it when it first came out and I'm saying it now. I hope after this, they'll go back and find some hot writers to collaborate with, and remember the concept of harmonies as opposed to unison singalongs, and come up with some better lyrics.

I mean, come on. "I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round." How long does it realistically take to go round and round and round? I can do it right now.

See? I just went round and round and round and you hardly even noticed. No more lazy lyrics! Leave that to the interchangeable pop airheads! You are the freakin Dixie Chicks! Don't shut up, okay? But please, SING! I want to love them again, I really do.But you know, they look happy, and I'm very happy for them, because this has got to feel pretty damn good.

Speaking of country music... Here's little Carrie Underwood, who clearly benefitted from the grind of that show she was on, and is developing a perfect Country Singer Big Blonde Hairdo.

I really liked this Bob Wills tribute. It was pure Old Country and lots of fun. But I'd like to fire the soundman.

I don't like the Eagles. This surprises many people, me included. I hate Hotel California and always will. So Rascal Flatts turns in a better performance than the original and confirms to me that Rascal Flatts are the Best Cover Band Ever. Very professional. Note perfect and boring. Moving on.

I was really glad to see Jazz saxophonist Ornette Coleman getting some Recognish before he croaks. They gave out like, 500 Lifetime Achievement awards, mostly to deceased folks.

I must also say that Lionel Richie sang my least favourite song of his (it's right up there with Hotel California) but he looks and sounds great.

I'm not sure what this was.
Chris Brown is a hell of a mover and even had a little trampoline routine which was very cool but if there was music involved I missed it because I was too busy watching his feet.

Christina Aguilera. She is awesome. Her hair looks fried but man, she is electric.

This is from her performance of "It's a Man's World" and I was speechless. Everyone else can just shu'up.






Which leads me to the James Brown tribute. How would they honour The Godfather of Soul? I thought this was perfect.
The empty cape draped over the mic stand made me weep.

We'll let his body of work speak for him. Nobody else can speak for him anyways.


But then...James Blunt. Why, why, why? He's one of the few English men who does not turn my crank. Make him stop.



Red Hot Chili Peppers closed the show with the kind of beautiful mess that only they can pull off.


Most people will tell you that they sucked but I love them irrationally so I'm going to tell you that they were interesting. Frusciante has shorn his crazy long hair and sprouted a full beard, making it even harder for me to recognize him and attempt eye contact. Flea was dressed-in-yellow-she-says-hello-come-sit-next-to-me-ya-fine-fellow and yes he did bust a move. Chad Smith is awesome and must often wonder how a normal guy like him who looks like your mechanic ended up with those three characters. Anthony...ah Anthony... he has the worst pitch and most charisma since David Lee Roth.


After their acceptance speech, in which Chad challenged all watchers to go start a rock band, I am gonna go start me a rock band. We'll call ourselves the Punk Ass Cowpokes and it'll be a country-punk-heavy metal-blues band. Who's in????

So it was a long excruciating ordeal and I love-hated it as much as I always do. Here are a few more details to wrap it all up:

Impending Worry of the Evening: Scarlett Johanson is apparently making a record.
Listen, I totally dig her. I think she's gorgeous, I have enjoyed her dramatic stylings in several movies, and she has a wonderful raspy speaking voice. But do we really need another singing movie star? Or an acting singing star? And does she really need to have Jessica-Avril-Ashlee-Hilary's hair? Is this necessary???

Unlikely rock stars of the evening: Neil Portnow, the President of the Acadamy, who always does an awesome music biz pep talk that makes me wanna run right out and buy 50 saxaphones for my kids' schools, and Al Gore, the Former Next President of the United States, who makes me wanna run right out and cut the power lines to my house and never drive anywhere ever again.


Here is a photo of a person called Imogen Heap whom I've read about and who is apparently a critic's darling: This outfit is a disaster but it's so crazy that I must like it. And I looooooove those white boots.


Do you know who this is?

This is Ike Turner. He is not dead or in jail, and he won a Grammy.
Nice to see that he's all cleaned up and sane now. Umm...

This is Nelly Furtado. I want to smack the smirk off her face. Seriously, who is her image stylist, who would advise her to put on such a face? She's beautiful but she looks so weird, in a very bad way!
And that dress is nasty. She's hosting the Juno Awards this year. She'll probably squint and pucker her way through the whole thing. See, kids, look what being a Promiscuous Girl does to your face! Keep your legs together if you don't wanna end up like this.

Jamie Foxx. You're handsome and award winningly talented. And you're funny.
Now put it away, dear.

Jennifer Hudson. I am not tired of her. She may come back next year.


So after all of that, I picked up all the dog toys and the slippers and the popcorn bowl, and put the empty back in the case, and stumbled into bed. I need to rest up now for the Oscars and I'm flippin exhausted!!

Like I said...God help me, I just loooooove showbiz.