Thursday, November 17, 2005

I am the BEFORE photo

I'm heavily into a very ugly phase of my life. Luckily my Love Of My Life does not agree. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time. Am I an idiot that I don't believe him? What woman wouldn't want to hear that? He's very sweet, and sincere, but he can't change the fact that I look in the mirror and all I see is the dark circles under my eyes. And the way most of the pink has faded out of my hair. And I think my skin is turning grey. I look like the sad sloppy loser in the BEFORE photo.

Just a few days ago my neighbour buddy came over to see my pug puppy -and me- so we got off topic and I ended up showing her my old high school ID cards. One from each grade. You can see me evolve from shy awkward Gr 9 girl who thought I needed to wear my sunday school clothes for my photo, then Gr 10 girl who was trying out the Madonna hair and looked bad in yellow, then Gr 11 girl with the wicked standing up rooster comb hairdo, then Gr 12 girl who looked like a cute clean metal fan, and then finally Gr 13 girl. It took that long, but I finally got the AFTER photo.

I had great skin, the summer tan hadn't faded yet, my hair was flowing in its natural wave and sun blessed colour. There's a Gr13 1/2 photo too and that one's even better. By that time I was evolving into my hick hippy phase and didn't even have much make up on. Dang, it's such a good one I wish I could show you, but I have no clue how to put pictures up and I promised myself I wouldn't paste my face all over this here fancy internet. But my point, finally, is that there have been times when I looked pretty good. Maybe that's why Mr Wonderful thinks I'm beautiful--he still remembers me from 1989 and hasn't had a real good look lately!

AS with all things for the last year, I'm going to blame the depression and the drugs. And the panic disorder, that's gotta be bad for your skin. I might even blame the studio for taking up so much of Mr Nice Guy's time. Yeah, blame the studio. I could even blame Puppy for getting me out of bed but that's not fair, he can't help it that he can't hold it yet. Or I could blame this odd dwelling area full of sidewalks and streets and traffic. Too damn many people making too much noise.

Various therapist doctor type people have told me countless times that it took years to get me this messed up. It'll take a while to get my normalized again. I have my doubts; I have never been in any kind of normal category. why start now.

The funny thing is, I turn 35 in a little over a month. I still get people thinking I'm a teenager, which I think is a joke because I'm not nearly hip and cool enough for that. But I don't have too many wrinkles, not a single grey hair, and am the size of some of my daughter's Grade 6 classmates. I wonder if I haven't aged visibly because I've internalized all of it and just got depressed and anxious and sickly looking?????

Ah well, until I turn back into my AFTER phase of life, I'm having fun imagining the paparazzi lurking behind trash cans in the Newmarket Salvation Army Plaza, thinking that Julia Roberts is really looking like crap lately and has shrunk 10 inches too.

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