Well here we are. This has been my lowest effort Christmas ever, and y'know, I'm not even really all that upset about it. My kids, who are legally adults now and have jobs, took it upon themselves to do some shopping and *gasp* clean the house. So that right there, I'm figuring it's all good.
Because of my almost-complete lack of involvement, I didn't even throw an imaginary Christmas party. Like, how detached could a person be, to not even take the time or bother to blog a fake party? Well I can tell you! I'm totally in Survival Mode, and that's a hell of a lot better than Horribly Depressed Mode, so it's officially whatever !!
You know what's important?
We're all together for Christmas.
I'm getting out to the barn every day, usually twice, to do all my chores. Sure the barn is way messier than I like it to be, but the horses and cats are well fed and they are not standing around in the own excrement all day and night. The horses look kind of bored, and the two geldings have taken up intense games of Face Tag, but we're ok.
There is hay in the barn. Some of it is paid for!
There is food in the fridge. It's all paid for!
The house is an awful mess… but the younguns are working on it.
The Pug has been jogging across the house all day, full of questions, checking to see if anything edible landed on the floor, and hiding from the vacuum cleaner. Later he will rip open his own present - 19 SQUEAKERS!!! - because we are those people now, who buy presents for the dog. Seriously, the comedic entertainment is sooooo worth it!!!!
We've all got a few days off work.
I can eat now. Not everything, but I can eat, and the nausea has decreased.
Southwestern Ontario has not been hit with a vicious ice storm and we're not buried under two feet of snow. Actually it's raining and we have no snow at all. But hey, we won't get stranded between the house and the barn this year! It was a green Christmas 20 years ago too. I remember that because it was my daughter's first!
Tomorrow, I will effortlessly and painlessly, and yes happily, turn 44 years old.
I have all my own teeth and hip joints and hair. I am pretty sure I've got most of my brain cells but who's keeping track, right?
Things aren't perfect. They never are. I don't think this medication is working and when I see my new shrink after the new year, I will tell him that. I've got a long way to go in my recovery, but I'm surrounded by people who care and that makes a huge difference.
Alright. I'm going to church soon. I love my church. Christmas Eve service always leaves me feeling awestruck and hopeful…which is exactly what I need right now!!
Wishing you all the best!
Love, Heidi
4 comments:
Happy Birthday Heidi!
I'm so glad to hear your voice. It made my Christmas. It's the silences I worry about. I have too much imagination to be left to myself.
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles to fight yourself clear of the darkness. Through your writings I get a real sense of what depression must be like. And I really hope you find that drug that lifts you out of it.
It was great to hear about the your kids chipping in. And the pug. We, too, give presents to our boxer, but his favorite is, of course, turkey scraps.
It has been a green Christmas here too, with off and on drizzles. The family made it to the festivities. With my sons grown, we had Secret Santa, a new concept for me. Of course, my almost 2 granddaughter was exempt from it. It was a joy to see her open her presents. Among them a t-shirt, "to the best older sister in the world." Can you believe it??!
Please take care of yourself.
Yeah! Heidi! Happy Birthday to you!! Of course, I miss your blog party (they are always THE BEST!!!) but am glad you are feeling better than Horribly Depressed Mode. I hope your New Year is blessed and safe and filled with new joy.
Wait, you have all your teeth?
Happy birthday Heidi!
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