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Friday, November 28, 2014

"The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament…"

…or something like that?


So it's been more than a month since I showed up here.  I am sitting here right now, propped up on pillows with my Pug snoring on the bed beside me (and farting too, I feel I need to add) and I'm having a hard time decided how to say this.  Therefore I'm just going to say it: at the end of October I was hospitalized for depression.  I was in the mental health unit for 2 weeks.  Now I've been home for 2 1/2 weeks and for that whole time I've been dealing with the side effects of this new medication, namely, nausea and fatigue.  I'd like to think it's starting to get better but only time will tell.  Needless to say, I can't tell if the drugs are working to fix the depression when I feel like I might barf.

I'm really not ready to get into it very deeply here.  I'll just say that I put off getting help way too long, and that I'm officially in recovery mode.  I spend a lot of time cuddled up with Dobby in my bed. I'm reading a lot of books. I make it out to the barn every morning for chores and horse pats before the day's drugs kick in.  The pressure is off in the barn; no lessons, no demands, just have some hay and be a horse.  I know it's good for me, because I am not a person who can stay sedentary for long; I need to move and I need to get outside.  I'm worn out by the time the horses and cats are fed and the barn cleaned up, but I know I have to do it, not just for their sake but for mine.  And besides, I love them.  I need them.

This whole year has had some very difficult times.  Too much harsh weather, and a career that is impacted directly by the weather, and that alone will wear a person down.  Above all, too many people have left us.  Too many funerals. Too much heartbreak.  Put it all together with a long history of depression and it damn near broke me.  It took ten months, but I couldn't go on.

BUT.  I have help again.  The sun comes up every day, even if it's too cloudy and snowy to shine.  I have the best family in the world.  I have a condition that needs to be managed.  I have a complicated brain.


I'm alive.

10 comments:

redhorse said...

I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I hate those drugs, I think I'd rather recover from a broken bone. And for me, this is the worst time of the year anyway. I hope they'll find something soon that doesn't make you feel sick.

mugwump said...

peace.

shadowlake2005 said...

I know how it is when the (in my case) locked ward is better than your real life, and I hate for you to have that pain. I'm still struggling, with the aid of probably the 15th different drug, and mental tools I'm still working on. Hang in there please Heidi. The world needs you and your special genius and so-ģenerous heart. And those are the things that make life tough. Remember, you are necessary. Positive energy coming your way.

Paul Tee said...

I worry when you are silent for long and hate it to find my fears confirmed.
I'm sorry to hear about your state of depression that forced a stay in hospital. It had been a tough year and I can appreciate the toll it took on you. Luckily your family is a bastion of support, but don't forget about the rest of us out there in hick-nation.
I hope you consider us a lifeline.

jules said...

Thanks for the update Heidi. Thoughts and prayers are sent your way, and heavenward. We'll be here, when you get better enough to be back.

Heidi Willis said...

I was just thinking of you this morning, all day really, thinking how long it has been since I've checked in to see how you are doing, how the recovery has been going. This post is older, I think, than the last I talked with you, but I hadn't read it and it is good to see you here.
I am glad you have gotten help. I'm glad you are in recovery mode, even if that feels like barf. I'm glad the horses are there, the family is tight, and you are alive.

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