Tuesday, April 07, 2009

When even the weather seems to be mocking us...

The grass hadn't even turned green yet and we get dumped with about 6 inches of snow.  Or like, 38 cm in celsius.  I'm kidding.  I don't know how many centimetres of snow it is, but it's enough that the plows are all out on the roads.  The temperature hovers around the freezing mark again.  I have decided that I am NOT going to shovel the driveway because dammit, IT WILL MELT SOON.  

I've survived worse than this; I just didn't like it much.  

Yesterday, as the wind battered my front window with wet snow, I hunkered down on the couch with my pal Mac White and did some more editing.  Yup.  More.  

I think I've been editing this monstrosity for about two years now, give or take five years, but who's counting, right?  I honestly can't remember when I started this book.  It's been since we moved to this house, so it's less than twelve years.  You'd think it would be perfect by now, but I'm afraid perfection is a moving target.  Once it's a real book, the author has to just kind of get on with life and try not to think about all the things that could be fixed.  

I sat there, wind howling, pug snoring at my feet, thinking about how much time I've spent like this.  Changing a word, taking out a sentence I don't really need.  Over and over.  

No wonder writers are stereotypically crazy.

AND it's still winter.  It'll be winter forever.  It's frickin' Narnia out there.  

This is generally my worst time of year.  I have been repeating over and over, for months, that I'm better this year than last year.  I don't want to die or leave my husband.  This is an improvement!  I really don't want to to either of those things, so now when I get those thoughts, I tell myself that it's untrue, it's the depression talking.  It goes like that repeatedly: one false thought followed by a truth, over and over, all day.

It's exhausting.

Oh, but I have more good news.  


I know.  The very thing that fuels the voices in my head helps to silence the other voices in my head.  Ironic?  I don't even know what IRONIC means anymore.  (Thanks to Alanis and those two pirates.)

I've just about physically recovered from our trip out west, and have a head full of words now.  Every time I dig into TROUBLE I do feel that it comes up just that much better.  The words are just spilling out of me now, and I've been filling up my brand new Moleskine workbook with stuff I'll soon type into my computer as I work on my new book.  

I'm a very weird combination of miserable and ecstatic right now.  It feels kinda normal, actually.  My whole life often ends up being that way.  

The other things that help me are going for a walk- whether I like it or not - and getting some horse time.  I haven't ridden in two weeks.  I've cleaned out two different barns and gotten covered in horse hair, but soon I expect to get back in the saddle.  

You know what?  Honestly?  I think it's more exhausting to force myself to improve, recover, have a life, than to just stay in bed.  I'd love to stay in bed today.  Me, the Pug, and Mac White.  Snore snore, clickety click.  But then I'd only be getting half the good.  I gotta get up and at it.  Yep.  This is me, gettin' up to take the Pug for a walk.  Here I go.  

It's okay... now that the word tap is open wide again, it won't stop.  The words can come out again later.  

So there you go, Winter!  I stomp on you and my dog poops on you!  Ha, wait til the horses poop on you- You won't be so sparkly white anymore!  nya nya na na na...


Heidi said...

ha ha! way to attack winter!! I love your attitude!

write away, girl! and remember, winter and spring can't last forever. Summer's on it's way!!

CindyDianne said...

*insert clever comment here*

Lynn Sinclair said...

This recent blast of winter is just gonna make us appreciate spring weather all the more. Spring, walking, talking, laughing -- soon, very soon.

JKB said...


*secretly pushes all the winter stuff towards Canada, so Germany can get it's spring on!*


mugwump said...

We've been getting stomped too. We need the wet so much I can't even complain, but I kind of want to.
Do you ever get hit with an absolute rush of thoughts, sentences, story lines, one after the other with this blinding speed?
I have just now, this year, learned to write them down. Because they are gone within moments....

Heidi the Hick said...

Mugwump, I absolutely do get hit with a blinding rush of words. Or a rush of words in blinding speed.

Here's the funny thing: once it gets going it goes faster and that breeds even more ideas. I have a workbook going at all times, and a little notebook in my purse. YOu do have to write them down, because soon they're either forgotten or replaced by other stuff.

As for the weather... I usually tell myself not to bitch about it. When the nice days start, I tell everybody else that it always snows in April. I'm realistic about it. But I don't have to like it!!

Jkb, ha! it's YOU!

Lynn, oh yeah. We will appreciate it so much!

Cindy, I am just about out of Clever so if you have any extra...

Heidi- Maybe if my writing's kicking into high gear, I'll not notice that it still feels like winter? Nah. I'll notice. In the meantime I'll hang onto my attitude!

Biddie said...

Of course, Bumble LOVES the snow! Lol! He is the only one..I mean, come on! I can't remember the last time that we had this snow so late in the year!
I think that writing is a great idea! I may give it a try myself!

JKB said...

*looks evilly in the direction of Canada*

BWA HA HA!!!!!!!

Paul Tee said...

Close the drapes, shut out winter sight, turn up the heat, sip a glass of wine. Snuggle into that comfortable corner of the couch that remembers you. Turn on your mood light. Let smiles around you warm you up.

Then, time to saddle up that pen. Remember who is in control.

Winter, I spit in your face.
Snow and Ice, I piss on you.
After all, we are Canadians.
We are tough, aren't we?

Paul Tee said...

Your words were right on, stirred me up so much as to unleash an extended rant on my own blog.

Girl, you got to be careful of what you say, your words are powerful, and infectious.