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Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Insert exclamation of apathy here....

It's the 5th of March and it's storming AGAIN. Both kids home. Husband out on the road setting up gear for a big thing this weekend, because snow or not, the show must go on. I'm not driving out to the barn today, since I'd rather not take the chance on rearranging somebody's car with my pickup truck. I have a day of dishes and laundry ahead of me. Bright point? I think I'll be able to finish -FINISH!- the edits on my little book. And of course, I have two kids, a dog and a cat to keep me company.

You know what? I'm generally miserable. I have been for about six weeks now. I wake up every morning feeling ill. Queasy, barfy, can't eat til noon. I sleep like crap, even worse than usual. I can't concentrate. I feel like I could cry at anything and have to fight it down constantly. I hate my kitchen, I hate my living room, I hate my bedroom. I hate going to the mailbox.

I love writing, but it irritates me after only a few minutes. Start and go. Amazing I can get anything done.

I've been having more little panic episodes, heart palpitations, tightening of the chest.

I'm going nocturnal, which is never good for me. I wake up sickly, I go back to bed til ten or so. I feel rotten for sleeping half the day away. Lately I feel ill again about ten at night. I go to bed with a headful, try to relax and meditate it out, and dream about broken elevators and sinkholes and swinging bridges.

Jethro thinks I've got Seasonal Affective Disorder, especially since we look back and see that I maybe always had this problem around this time of year. It's just that before The Breakdown, I was better at crushing everything down and moving things along. My skin is thinner now! Plus I just don't care about hiding anything anymore. I don't think I've got SAD though, because even though the symptoms match, the timing is wrong. Most who suffer in the winter are getting over it now. There's more daylight, even if we're still under two feet of snow this particular year. Nope, for me it's February, March and April. I hate April. It's the worst.

Yesterday I called the doctor's office. I made an appointment for next Monday. I don't know what I'm expecting from this... I refuse to go back on any meds. I may be miserable, but dammit, it's real misery, not some artificially flavoured synthetic drug induced misery.

It's just that all this misery is getting in the way of this LIFE that I want to live.

Hey.... catch those last four words?

I want to live.

I'll just go from there, okay?

12 comments:

coffeypot said...

Sounds like a bad case of Cabin Feaver. But what do I know. I'm still in bed.

dilling said...

me too, just lately...could cry at anything(and have), feel sick too. went to bed at eight last night! didn't even watch Jericho! been a couple(more) weeks like this now...wake back up around eleven or twelve, wander the house, achey and bored, but not driven to do anything...and it's not even stomrming here...it's typical spring, cold and wet and grey, then sunny, blue and "warm." But even that doesn't seem to help for long...except for dog walking. grrrrrr.

Heidi the Hick said...

Oh my gosh, is there a cure for Cabin Fever????? Other than moving? haha...

I know I have to get out and exercise, but I feel like I do. I walk the pug every day, even if it's a few hours later than it usually is and a much shorter walk than in nice weather.

Three days a week I go out to the barn and spend a half hour forking out the stalls. I ride about once a week, even if it's a short ride, like sometimes only 10-15 minutes.

I do my pilates stretches regularly.

Am I not active enough? It's really hard to keep up summer-level activity in winter!

Maybe I'm fooling myself that I'm active. Maybe I need to get my rear in gear and go for it.

Problem is, it's the the LAST thing I feel like doing and best thing for me.

Olly said...

I am trying hard with the exercise thing. Been at it 6 days a week. I can't tell if it is making any positive changes, endorphin wise, as October - the beginning of January are my dark months. My stomach really acts up when I'm down, making it hard to exercise then.

I think what gets me through it the most is knowing it won't last. As long as I don't get too sleep deprived I can survive it.

Hang in there, you'll get past it.

Heidi the Hick said...

Olly, I'm really wondering if there's a a connection with stomache ailments and depression. It does make it hard to exercise.

But you're right- It won't last. Keep saying it!

Heidi the Hick said...

Wanna hear some good news?

I finished fixing all the edits.

But I'm still unsure of the third chapter. It slows down too much. This is not good. I have to sharpen it up a bit.

Otherwise it's better than ever.

Tod said...

Hang on in there Heidi. Perhaps you should throw another blog party? Woohoo!

Heidi said...

Well, when I started this blog I got all "jiggy happy dance, Heidi is almost done with her edits!!" and then you spilt the down-in-the-dumps beans and now I'm all depressed for you!

So I'm do a half-jiggy dance, because you deserve it for the huge accomplishments, and saying a little prayer that the other stuff will go away soon.

It will.

I just know though that it doesn't feel that way.

Hang in there. You've suffered some loss lately too and that can't help. Bluer skies are around the corner.

CindyDianne said...

Me too! I mean, I've been really down in the dumps. Not sure why. Well, I have a few ideas... but it is nothing new. So, why? Because I am faced with moving again? Because finances are tighter than ever? Because my baby boy is about to graduate high school? Because my 20 year high school reunion is this June? Because, because, because, because...

Here's to hoping you shake it, I know it is miserable.

Heidi the Hick said...

Well... maybe we can all be miserable together???

Ah we're a great bunch, aren't we? And we will get over it. It's not permanent.

(Thanks for the words, blog buddies.)

Linda said...

February is the longest month, and March the cruelest. When I lived in Massachusetts, April wa the worst, a big frigging tease.

Hang in there... and congrats on getting those edits done. Myself, I'm on round 13, or is it 14? Peace...

Anita said...

Ya'll make me feel guilty for (for once in my life!) NOT feeling down!
I hope the path smooths out soon, Heidi...