Although I am feeling much better this year, it's still often a struggle to get excited about the whole project. I've decided this year to just dump the guilt. This is me, this is my life, this is the way it is. I ain't keeping up with anybody.
I am too scattered and anxious to throw a real party? Fine. I'll throw an imaginary party! Too broke to spend money of gifts? Okay. Everybody's getting a box of oranges. Haha.
You know what I want for Christmas? I want to go to church on Christmas Eve and then hunker down in my mom's living room with the whole fam damily for cookies and presents that were lovingly selected for each other.
The next morning, after I open my birthday gift, I want to go out to the barn. I'll see Phoenix's smart face over his stall, looking like if he could speak my language he'd ask me what took me so long. I'll see the little mare's pink speckled muzzle before she ducks back into her stall to look out at the back door...just to let me know what to do next.
I want my kids to come out to the barn with me. We'll pitch hay out to our horses, then clean up the barn, sweep up every bit of hay and every stray piece of pine shavings. We'll go outside and rub our mittened hands over those thick winter coats, watch their breath curl out of their nostrils, listen to their massive teeth grinding up the hay.
Then go in, have a big breakfast, and read all of our Christmas gifts! (Yeah I have a good idea what I'm getting.)
Later on I want us to bundle up and get out the sleds and throw ourselves down the hill. We'll laugh and pant and sweat under all our heavy coveralls and coats.
That's what I want for Christmas.
And an imaginary party. Come back tomorrow and keep your fingers crossed that everybody's computers are in working order.