How to Put a 1,000lb Hooved Mammal into a Box on Wheels, A Hick Chic Guide, part 1

If Monday's announcement sounded a little stunned, it's for good reason. I was exhausted. Maybe it sounded fine to you but it was all just a cover, because I was so tired and aching from head to toe. Happy, yes..blissfully pleased that I had brought this beautiful animal into my life.

Getting him there, physically, however, was a large challenge.

Take a minute to understand what a horse is all about. If given a chance, he'll spend his day grazing- take a step, take a bite, repeat. Maybe he'll stretch his long legs and go for a run. At some point, he'll stop for a snooze, bending one hind leg, letting his eyes close and his lips flap. Then it's back to grazing, step, bite, repeat. At many points throughout his day, he'll stop, jerk his head up, swivel his ears to check for the sounds of horse eating monsters, sniff the air to detect the presence of his enemies, and when all is right, and safe, back to business. Step, graze, repeat.

The fact that horses allow humans onto their backs is really quite unbelievable if you think about it. We bipeds are set up for being predators. We have eyes in the front of our heads and we have sharp teeth in the corners of our mouths. They are built to make a quick getaway from critters like us. And yet, they can adjust themselves to our wishes and adapt to situations that we put them into. Horses have pulled wagons, carried riders, into places that should realistically scare them to death. Think of police horses. Think of horses in NYC who take tourists for rides while the noise of the city rushes past. Think of a pony with a kid on her back going down a dirt road when a dump truck barrels along past them.

The thing is, with humans and horses...we need to give them a chance.

I've done some horse trailering in my life. More than some people, less than others. I spent a couple of summers about 7 years ago taking at least one horse to a saddle club show every other weekend.

My ol King, Champ, would happily jump into whatever trailer I was borrowing or renting. In fact, if a trailer was brought into the yard for a repair, Champ would run up to the fence with his tail up and his eyes wide, all happy like a dog going for a car ride. Maybe he was just weird...or more likely, I was just lucky.

I learned a hard lesson from Champ. One summer we bought a trailer. It was blue. It was old. My luck ran out.
He took one look at it and said, NUH UH.

I'M NOT GOING IN THERE.

NOT GOING IN.

NOT GONNA DO IT.

NAH GAH DAHT

I am ashamed to say this, and I will be ashamed forever, and will not only be apologizing to Champ's memory always but will be eternally grateful to Champ for letting me learn this lesson without killing me....I beat that horse into that trailer.

I felt bad about it then and I still feel bad about it.

I didn't understand his problem. He'd always been so good. He went into stock trailers, two horse trailers, ramp, step up, everything, and now he was refusing. I was determined that he would do as I demanded and get into that $#$@ trailer. It took a few days but eventually he got in. He was dripping with sweat and mad as hell but he was in.

As the summer wore on, and we continued to fight about it, I started to figure out why he didn't like that blue trailer. I didn't like it much either. It didn't have very good suspension and probably was a rough ride for my horse. It wasn't very big but it was heavy. One day I was going down a hill on a dirt road with my dad's 1977 Chevy half ton. The trailer was pushing the truck. We didn't have electric brakes on the trailer and every time I stepped on the brake pedal, the truck fishtailed. I pulled it down into second gear to try to slow the rig down. I came home, got Champ out, and sat down and cried.

And we wonder why I ended up with a panic disorder.

I had an awful feeling that Champ hated that trailer for a reason. Horses are smarter than us, kids. They are. They know things we can't even comprehend. From what I know now, I don't think that trailer was ever really safe. Now think about this: He must have known, and yet that summer, after I abused him into it, he went in and let me truck him around. He was always sweating and shaking, and obviously disgruntled, but he went in because I wanted him to. Luckily for me, he was unhurt because I guarantee, if we'd gotten into any kind of a wreck, not only would his trailering days have been permanently over, he would have never forgiven me and his trust in me would have been completely ruined.

This is what I'm talking about when I declare that horses are amazing animals. They can put aside everything that instinct tells them, in order to please us. Whether we deserve it or not.

Now let me tell you about Saturday. I knew that young Phoenix wasn't a well travelled horse. I figured it could take a few hours to get him loaded in and ready to go.

It ended up taking five hours, five people, and a mild sedative.

But- NO ABUSE!

Looking back, I can see that it should never have taken that long. I can see the mistakes we made, most of which were just on account of us being too hesitant and not really sure what approach to take. He's a very clever boy, my Phoenix. I think he knew we were unsure of ourselves and figured that was a good enough reason to not get into the box on wheels.

The whole time I was praying that nobody would get hurt. He did have a scuff mark from the halter but that was it. No blood, no scrapes, no rope burns. Just a horse that wasn't going nowhere nohow nuh-uh. Couldn't blame him though- he came from a beautiful farm with wonderful owners. I would have wanted to stay too if I were him.

So while I'm not proud of the time spent pussyfootin around with this lovely stubborn horse, I don't regret it. Okay, my body still hurts from the jumping in and out of the trailer and the tapping of his buttocks to move him forward (for a couple of hours) but I feel good about his state of mind. We didn't beat him into that trailer.

Can you imagine? Oh, hey, I'm your new owner. Here, let me beat the snot of you for reasons you don't understand and then we can get on with all the bonding and all that. Would you trust somebody who did that to you on the first day of your new relationship?

This whole thing reinforced in my mind what I've been slowly deciding about the art of horse transportation. We live in a world now where it's sometimes necessary to put him on wheels instead of ride him to the destination. It's unnatural but it doesn't have to be cruel.

Most of all, I know that we cannot
coax
bribe
trick
lure
sweet talk
threaten
abuse
drag
push
love
a horse into a trailer.

We have to TRAIN him into a trailer

...and it's going to take more than one day.

I do kind of feel that by sedating Phoenix and putting him in the trailer one hoof at a time- literally, with one person handling his feet while the others shoved- that we tricked him into it. Out of all our options, that was the only acceptable one, and we got him moved. He was unhurt, if slightly stoned, which didn't hurt him any! It just taught me what I have to do next.

Our little lady is inexperienced as well. My goal this summer will be to train them in preparation for this. I'm starting with groundwork, leading them by the halter until they respond to my slightest body language cues. I stop walking, they stop. I take a step, they take a step. They are both good with leading so this won't be too hard. The next part is to construct a platform out of wood, and get them stepping up onto it, one hoof at a time, like the floor of a horse trailer.

My goal is to be able to load each horse alone, without the help of any ropes or buggy whips or any words beyond "walk" and "whoa" and "step up" or "step down." I know I can do this.

Thanks to Champ I know I can do it.

The Hick Chic Guide to Horse Trailering will continue later, this coming summer, with Part 2: The Implementation of the Plan.