Resolving, Ruminating, Reflecting.

I still feel the spin of the new year starting, and haven’t quite righted myself yet.

It’s hard for me to let 2006 go completely because it was a year of change. Also, I don’t really remember much of 2005... I blame the drugs. I still don’t get how an anti-depressant can make you more depressed, but the end result is that it was a blur and I spent the last 12 months recovering.

I looked the two headed demon of depression and anxiety in the eyes and told it to go to hell. It swore back at me. It got ugly sometimes and I’m not totally free. But it doesn’t own me.

I got off the drugs. It was horrible. I never want to go back on meds again, just to avoid the hellish withdrawal.

I joined the writer’s group in my town.

I learned to settle into my house. I trained a puppy. I invested in some heavy metal CDs (hey, therapy, it works for me) and watched a lot of comedy videos. I gave my pshrink a three page letter detailing how his belittling attitude angers me. I dug around in the dirt and loved my garden.

I decided that my children’s homework is the teacher’s responsibility and that mine is to love them and feed them, get all excited about music practice, encourage them to face the consequences of their actions or inactions, and insist on them getting enough sleep.

I auditioned for a role in the community theatre play.

I figured out how to get through the grocery store without having a full blown panic attack, and without Brad Pitt cradling my hand in his as he pushes the cart with the other.

I said a very painful permanent goodbye to my beautiful red horse, a magnificent creature who’d been my friend for 17 years.

Despite that, I went on to complete an Equine Business Management correspondence course and earned my Canadian Equestrian Federation Level 1 Rider badge.

I finally got my kids’ young mare to lope under saddle. No bucking, no silliness.

I sent off the query letter for my middle grade novel to twelve literary agents.

I got rejected by eight. The other four are either on a very long vacation or are extremely slow readers.

I sent a few poems and short stories off to some contests. One poem got accepted, but I withdrew it because I decided to have high standards.

On December 31 2006, at about 2:00 pm, I finished writing my fourth novel.


I did not pick up the guitar again, and I didn’t take singing lessons, and I didn’t get an actual job with a paycheck. I didn’t get my novel published.

But you know...doing up this list is a real eye opener. I done good. I reckon. I did NOT simply decide one day that I'd just pull myself outta this slump and snap out of it. It was a project. It was work. It's not done yet either. I wouldn't want anyone who's struggling to think that I'm some kind of example to live up to. I think everybody should look at their accomplishments instead of their failures.

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, because I used to end up with a four page list in my journal of all the crap that I felt I needed to improve. Heck, it’s easy to come up with goals and improvements.

Like, this coming year, I want to do all kinds of ridiculous things like, you know, buy a farm, make a small income teaching people how to ride horses, and do phone interviews about my revolutionary novel about a 9 year old girl with weird parents; I’m going to practice ways to keep basically-harmless-but-still-frightening people from coming into my kitchen in the dead of night; I’m going to get something published somewhere; I’m going to bring a new horse home.

But that’s all stuff that I can work towards gradually and steadily.

You know what I’m going to do for myself, which started off 2007 other than that incident with the weird guy and the two cruisers in the laneway at my parent’s farm?

I’M GOING TO BED.

That’s right. So in about twenty minutes it will be 11:00pm, I’ll be bathed and toothbrushed and tucked in.

As for the rest of this week, just so you know, I might not write again until Friday, since I have a lot of work to catch up on, not to mention an upcoming Take Your Wife To Work Day at Jethro’s Musical Emporium and Tractor Repair Shop. I’ll be checking in though, and I’d love to hear what you think about my year ending and beginning thoughts. You all know what to do- turn the lights off when you leave a room, wipe up your drink if you spill it, don’t let the cat out, and lock the door. Yep. Lock the door.

If I haven’t said it already...I hope you’re having a happy new year.