HICK CHIC IMAGINARY CHRISTMAS PARTY!!!!!

How the Hick Saves Christmas

I am going to get excited about Christmas. Yes I am darnit. Right now!

Welcome to my fake imaginary Christmas party! It’s great- I didn’t even have to vacuum first!

Here's a nice thing that I found on the internet:


My kids did the decorating. The did all of it! They set up the beloved (by me) Charlie Brown Christmas Tree and hung all the ornaments on it. I didn’t tell them what to do, because I was lying on the couch with my smiling mouth shut.

Here is the Crazy Elf. I love him so much I keep him on top of the TV all year. Isn’t he great? He’s one of the Boy’s creations.

Here's our Christmas tree!!!See those presents? My Girl wrapped most of them. She is so talented. She came up with such creative wrapping ideas. She’s my hero.

Tell them what a great job they did!

MY PATHETIC CHRISTMAS TREE SMALL TALK: This tree has a story. When we were freshly married we had, of course, no cash. Like,none. Zero. We were visiting Jethro’s sister and her husband when the topic came up. Well, brother in law got up, opened the little crawlspace under the steps and pulled out this sad little tree, still put together with satin balls tinsel stuck to it. They just bought a new one and didn’t need the little one. How could I say no? It needed a home!

I get ratted all the time for this tree. It’s so pathetic. But I refuse to send it to the landfill site. It’s fine. It gets covered in stuff so who cares? It fits in a box and doesn’t take up too much room for 11 months of the year!

Would Linus turn down this tree? I think not.

You’re probably wondered why a nature freak like me has a plastic tree. Well, I can’t stand chopping one down only to pitch it. But I could be converted. A real tree is quite special.

Exactly none of those lights work, adding to the loser factor.


PARTY SMALL TALK: I don’t get the school craft thing. My son made this little candleholder centrepiece two years ago at school and finally we took it out and fired it up. I was feeling a bit apprehensive about this, since it’s made out of a styrofoam plate, a wreath of tinsel, three pine cones, and three spray bottle caps painted gold. Yeah. We cautiously lit it so that we could say that we appreciated the boy’s efforts and then blew it out once we figured we’d had enough melted plastic carcinogens in us. It’s still intact, on the table, just taking up eye space.


Okay, so, would you like to pretend there’s food at this party?

I’ve got some bacon wrapped things:

This is awesome: Deep Fried Bacon Wrapped Hot Dogs with Chili Sauce. Whooooo! All the good stuff in one bite!!

And some cheesy fruity things:

And some of these...things....



Listen, I’m way too unphosisticated to know what all the pretty little wrapped up foods are. When I find myself, about once a year (which is pretty impressive for a hermit like me, thank you Canadian music biz) at a place with people in white shirts and black vests walking around with trays of pretty food, I always grab some. The food. Not the waiters. I have no idea what the stuff is until I try it but as long as I don’t have to stand there rolling it up and setting it on the tray I’m happy.

OOh, try a tiny hamburger!



Or better yet, a tiny cheese burger!


Here’s what I have to wash it down:
Beer, of course!


Wine. Both kinds. Because I know some of my blog buddies are classy people.



And some of my blog buddies are pirates so here ya go!

For those of us who aren't doing alcohol today:
Egg nog:

And I almost forgot- orange juice!


Now behave yourself kids. I know this is imaginary but let’s not get all debauched. It’s only Wednesday after all and somewhere deep in my Mennonite subconscious I’m afraid of being a bad influence and getting you all fake-hammered.

Oh heck, let’s do a toast. I didn’t start clinking glasses until I met the In-lawrs. It’s fun though; sometimes we clink at the supper table just for fun.

TO HAVING PARTIES THAT DON’T REQUIRE CLEANING THE HOUSE BEFORE OR AFTER AND DON’T COST ANY MONEY BUT STILL GIVE US A SENSE OF FUN AND LIFT OUR BROKE AND STRESSED OUT SPIRITS!

*clink*

*clink*

*clink*

*clink*

wait I didn’t quite get you...reach...

*clink*

ah that was great!

Okay, time to fire up the boombox.


Listen, my husband works on Christmas records in June. I can’t understand how every year there are ten more Christmas CDs, and that those are only the ones he’s worked on. After a 12 hour day in the studio of mixing Christmas songs he comes home with this stuff stuck in the CD player in his car or worse, stuck in his head. Some of it is legit, some is fun, but most of it is insincere crap. Is it any wonder I’m such a Grinch, being subjected to Christmas music in June???

But now is the time, so if you’ve got a song, sing it!

Here’s mine:

You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch.
You have termites in your smile.
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile.
Mr. Grinch.


Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the seasick crocodile.


You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Grinch.


The three words that best describe you,
are, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."


Ah. I do love that song.

Want some cookies? In pretend world?



I don’t know about you but I think this is a good truckload of fun. I’d say it’s a shortbox truckload. More like a 6 ft box than an 8ft longbox but a truckload nonetheless.

I hope this is fun for you too. I believe we all need some fun in our lives, no matter how hard it gets to work up the gumption for it.

One more thing: could you please wish my friend Jesus and I a happy birthday? I know, it’s not really his birthday. But we gotta pick a day to celebrate and I feel pretty special about sharing. Sometimes I wish I’d been born in a barn too. I might have liked that. Very peaceful. All the grinding of those big herbivore teeth. I don’t think my mom would have liked that so much though. If you don’t feel like saying Happy Birthday to my friend Jesus could you please say Happy Birthday to me? (blink, blink)

You know what’s next, right? You know how the party always ends up in the kitchen? Today the kitchen is in the comments section. Git in there!