The Truth About the Tears in my Eyes

Well this is that kind of day, but I'm not upset about it. It's not even 8 am yet and already I've been moved to tears.

I squarely blame a sassy 18 year old for it. She had to write a speech about somebody and she chose me. She stayed up til 1 am and then emailed it to me. I just read it. Geez. She is officially the first person to make me cry today!

I am sure that I didn't used to be like this. Remember that movie E.T. about the little rubber alien? I would have been about 9 when our parents took us to see it. We didn't got to movies very often, being poverty stricken hog farmers, and when we did, we went to the drive in theatre with our jammies and pillows and got our three movies worth. Going to the theatre was a big fat deal.

My mom and Sweetie were sniffling and wiping their eyes at the part where they unzipped the body bag and there was the poor little E.T. all still and with those giant eyes closed. My dad and I were just sitting there. Hmm. Look at that. They hit the off switch on the little rubber robot.

I wasn't really all that stoic though. I have a clear memory of looking at my 7th birthday present through blurry eyes, just enough to tell that it was a tiny black pony! What little girl wouldn't cry tears of happiness on getting a pony for her birthday! A pony wasn't much of an extra cost when there was already a barn full of pigs to feed. But now, as a parent myself and older than mine were at that time, I get a little choked up thinking about what they did for me.

I cry at anything. Everything. I make myself cry. Just last night I read something that I wrote and it made me cry!

I think what did it was having babies. I'll never forget the day I found out that I was pregnant, after desperately ignoring the signs for weeks. My throat tightened as we watched the little window turn colour in the test strip, the way he whispered in my ear, even though I don't remember his words, and then the way everything went watery. It didn't matter that we were married; we were broke, and young, and struggling with our jobs, and living in a place we could barely afford to start with. And now here we were about to become parents without even figuring out what kind of grown ups we were supposed to be. I cried before he left for work and I spent an hour on the phone with my mother, the two of us crying and ultimately laughing.

Two months later I drove myself to the hospital with cramps and stayed there for three days. I was afraid to cry. I was afraid it would shake the baby loose.

I spent the next 5 months on bed rest until my baby girl was born a month early and perfectly perfect. All of a sudden I was getting sniffly over dog food commercials! After the gorgeous baby boy was born, he and I spent countless hours bawling our eyes out together. By the time he was three years old he'd cut out his once a day cry. It took me a little longer.

I do know that two years ago at this time it was getting worse again. I was saying things with all this imagery about drowning and suffocating, and I was tired all the time, and forgetting things, and crying. At the time I was still working for my husband and my emotional instability was causing problems for both our business and our marriage. We didn't catch it on time though and a few months later I was a total mess. I spent all of 2005 breaking into sobs.

I really am feeling much better now!

Just when I thought I had it pulled together, I was faced with the impossible decision to put my horse down, very suddenly, with really no other choice. I had only just gotten to the point where I could think about my pony Chocolate, who was my 7th birthday present, without my face leaking, and she died when I was 18!

Every Sunday that I go to church I pray to get through the service without wiping my eyes. Sometimes it works....but I don't want to change. I need to be a person who feels everything and sees everything and absorbs it. Often it feels like it's too much to carry but it's who I am. It's just who I am.