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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Truth About the Tears in my Eyes

Well this is that kind of day, but I'm not upset about it. It's not even 8 am yet and already I've been moved to tears.

I squarely blame a sassy 18 year old for it. She had to write a speech about somebody and she chose me. She stayed up til 1 am and then emailed it to me. I just read it. Geez. She is officially the first person to make me cry today!

I am sure that I didn't used to be like this. Remember that movie E.T. about the little rubber alien? I would have been about 9 when our parents took us to see it. We didn't got to movies very often, being poverty stricken hog farmers, and when we did, we went to the drive in theatre with our jammies and pillows and got our three movies worth. Going to the theatre was a big fat deal.

My mom and Sweetie were sniffling and wiping their eyes at the part where they unzipped the body bag and there was the poor little E.T. all still and with those giant eyes closed. My dad and I were just sitting there. Hmm. Look at that. They hit the off switch on the little rubber robot.

I wasn't really all that stoic though. I have a clear memory of looking at my 7th birthday present through blurry eyes, just enough to tell that it was a tiny black pony! What little girl wouldn't cry tears of happiness on getting a pony for her birthday! A pony wasn't much of an extra cost when there was already a barn full of pigs to feed. But now, as a parent myself and older than mine were at that time, I get a little choked up thinking about what they did for me.

I cry at anything. Everything. I make myself cry. Just last night I read something that I wrote and it made me cry!

I think what did it was having babies. I'll never forget the day I found out that I was pregnant, after desperately ignoring the signs for weeks. My throat tightened as we watched the little window turn colour in the test strip, the way he whispered in my ear, even though I don't remember his words, and then the way everything went watery. It didn't matter that we were married; we were broke, and young, and struggling with our jobs, and living in a place we could barely afford to start with. And now here we were about to become parents without even figuring out what kind of grown ups we were supposed to be. I cried before he left for work and I spent an hour on the phone with my mother, the two of us crying and ultimately laughing.

Two months later I drove myself to the hospital with cramps and stayed there for three days. I was afraid to cry. I was afraid it would shake the baby loose.

I spent the next 5 months on bed rest until my baby girl was born a month early and perfectly perfect. All of a sudden I was getting sniffly over dog food commercials! After the gorgeous baby boy was born, he and I spent countless hours bawling our eyes out together. By the time he was three years old he'd cut out his once a day cry. It took me a little longer.

I do know that two years ago at this time it was getting worse again. I was saying things with all this imagery about drowning and suffocating, and I was tired all the time, and forgetting things, and crying. At the time I was still working for my husband and my emotional instability was causing problems for both our business and our marriage. We didn't catch it on time though and a few months later I was a total mess. I spent all of 2005 breaking into sobs.

I really am feeling much better now!

Just when I thought I had it pulled together, I was faced with the impossible decision to put my horse down, very suddenly, with really no other choice. I had only just gotten to the point where I could think about my pony Chocolate, who was my 7th birthday present, without my face leaking, and she died when I was 18!

Every Sunday that I go to church I pray to get through the service without wiping my eyes. Sometimes it works....but I don't want to change. I need to be a person who feels everything and sees everything and absorbs it. Often it feels like it's too much to carry but it's who I am. It's just who I am.

18 comments:

.:.KC.:. the brown eyed girl said...

I don't think I have ever seen you cry. Not once. I don't cry very often or I try not to, but I did end up crying at work on Friday.

Timmy said...

and I love you for it! You have an amazing talent for expressing yourself.

Heidi the Hick said...

KC-I hide it from you!!!! I hide it very well. I never wanted you to see your Aunt Heidi losing her mind like that. I think you're old enough to handle the truth now...

You know when your little sister was born and I was carrying you up the stairs and I tripped and dropped you on your head? You did see me cry but you didn't notice because you were crying too!!!!

Heidi the Hick said...

Awwwwww, thank you Tim! That means a lot to me.

Biddie said...

That sassy 18 year old makes me cry nearly every day.

Heidi the Hick said...

and for numerous reasons!!!!

Notsocranky Yankee said...

I hope they were happy tears!

I agree with the baby theory. I think I've been more weepy since I had my kids, especially when I was pregnant. It must be a hormone thing!

dilling said...

I have had no kids and cry like nobody's business. I was not like this before, but the past few years have done something to me...just what, I don't know. I cry when I am happy, cry when I am sad, or mad or tired... I often cry at least once a day...at least for a minute or two. I have read that you get rid of toxins in your body through your tears...we should have very clean systems, eh?

Coffeypot said...

There is nothing wrong with crying. It gets rid of emotions that otherwise would be bottled up inside – not good. Just drink plenty of liquids (preferably water) because there is nothing worse and more painful than crying with dry tear ducts. It looks funny, too, with little puffs of dust blowing out instead. So cry, drink a glass of water, cry some more, etc. I cry at movies and at some of the things my grandkids say. Can you publish her speech?

Balloon Pirate said...

You cry.

Lucky you.

Yeharr

Heidi the Hick said...

Yankee- There's something to that. I think it's hormones coupled with the huge change in our lives!!! (and lack of sleep?)

Dilling- I knew it! I knew you were weepy too! I think some of us change and grow and this is our result. Yep, we must be sparkly clean by now!

Coffeypot- the puffs of dust made me giggle. I must now go drink some water! You're right, there is nothing wrong with crying and I don't need to be embarrassed!!!

As for the speech, you'd have to ask her...she's today's very first commenter at the top of the page!

Pirate- GOOD POINT. Lucky to be alive and still have tears to let loose.

Distant Timbers Echo said...

I cry at things I never used to when I "dropped" the emotional walls I once had. Feeling things is totally cool!

Btw, I spat out my coffee at: "...the little rubber alien."

Crafty Missus said...

i'm a once a day cry girl too. dillings current video got me super weepy yesterday. that's a bit nuts.

CindyDianne said...

Is it true that the lower the lows the higher the highs?

Coffeypot said...

I did go read her speech and it was wonderful. You can be my godmother, too, even though you are half my age. Especially if you take me to see Tim McGraw and Faith Hill.

Heidi the Hick said...

Red- good for you. I was never good at emotional walls. I have emotional tissue paper curtains or something. Welcome to the weepy club!!

Cara- I will never critcize you for weeping over a Cyndi Lauper video.

CindyDi- Yeah, I think so. Just based on experience...

Coffeypot- since I think Tim McGraw looks good in a cowboy hat, yeah, no problem!

Heidi the Hick said...

WHAT A RELIEF! I'm not the only one!

RMSELCA said...

I am working on a sermon for tomorrow (Nov. 5) and found your writing about tears. I hope you don't mind I'm quoting a few paragraphs in my sermon tomorrow at an Episcopal Church in Denver, Colorado!