Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Truth about Me and Drugs!

We do not get along!

I can't coexist with drugs. None of em. I know this for a fact!

Before I tell you all about this, I have admit that the good girl part of me doesn't want you to know this. When I started this Blog project I had to ask myself, "How much am I going to reveal? When I get that brilliant novel published, are all of my readers going to crack it open and say, yes, we know about that, that's definitely something that happened to Heidi in real life. I know it because I read it on her blog. So I know that this fictional character is really her."

Okay I didn't really expect to have this many readers a year later. (Thank you.) But I did consider this public perception problem.

And you know what? Let's cut the crap and not be ashamed. I tried drugs of the illegal variety. Someday there's a possibility that all 6 of my beloved Aunties will read this and be horrified, but I want you to know...I'M GLAD I TRIED IT BECAUSE NOW I KNOW I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF IT.

I've been on precription drugs. They were just as bad- for me- than the illegal kind. This is just the way I am.

I smoked the dope when I was 14. I don't know what happened but I got quite sick from it. I came home and confided in my "Big Brother" who lived in our apartment on the farm. I told him that I felt pretty bad about it and I wanted to fess up to my parents because I couldn't carry the weight of the guilt. I asked him if he thought that was a good idea. He told me that it was better than the alternative possibility. His dad once found a bag of weed in that he hid. Dang. Bad. I decided to fess up and tell my parents before somebody else's parents found out and called them first.

After I'd pried my mother off the ceiling I told them that I couldn't promise I'd never do it again.

The second time I pulled mom down off the ceiling I told them that I just wanted to be honest with them.

...because I wasn't just honest. I was stoooopid. Y'know, if one pot smoking experience goes bad, try try again?

It didn't get any better.

I tried smoking. I almost puked. I tried it again. And again. And yet again. Never got over that feeling of impending puke. Now I'm so thankful that I couldn't do it. It's a nasty addiction that I've watched countless friends and loved ones struggle to kick. Blessed with my delicate body chemistry, I was spared that addiction.

I can't even drink Coke. Or Mountain Dew. Or tea. I can bomb down a chocolate bar but there's a chance I'll get heart palpitations from it.

I never got past the dope experiment. Some of my friends moved on to hash and acid and at one particular famous bush party I stood outside a Chevy truck, looking in, while three guys rolled up a five dollar bill reeeal tight and snorted coke off of a cassette case.

If I'm really honest with myself, it wasn't just the bad physical reactions that left me cold for drugs. It was everything. What drew me to it in the first place? It was a combination of the lure of something illegal, bad, and potentially dangerous. It was the teenaged need to break out of the warm and comforting nest that I was raised in- something that I never really wanted to be without, but just needed to know what else was out there. It was, I admit, the need to shock people.

At 14, I was tiny. I wasn't quite 5 ft tall, and was under 100lbs. I got lost in crowds and treated like a child. I wanted to be big. I wanted to be loud. I wanted people to respect me, dammit, and this was a quick way to shake up the perception of little me.

So basically I was a short, flat, squeaky voiced stoner for a few hours. It really wasn't worth it.

I was drug free for twenty years. Then, one day I went to see my doctor about those pesky little chest pains that were paralyzing me (that would be yesterday's story) and he wrote me up a prescription for drugs. Yay. I was on an antidepressant for a year. Actually it was about three different ones; the only way to know if it's working is to take it. One made me jittery and hypersensitive and sent shooting pains under my skin. They all made me slightly nauseous at all times and turned me off of my food. And everything else. These drugs all sort of acted to level me out but also made me want to just stop breathing. Isn't it ironic that a drug meant to keep you from killing yourself can give you suicidal thoughts? I should have known. I was on the birth control pill for four years in my early 20s and it made me miserable. I've already written about this. I've described while in the middle of it, exactly what it was like.

Then I decided, with my pshrink's approval, to get off the drugs. The result? Last Christmas and New Year's, as I weaned myself off of the little white pills, I was more miserable than ever. The withrawal was hell. My skin was so sensitive that my clothes drove me crazy. I was either too hot or too cold. My eyes hurt; every step I took sent another searing pain through the back of my eyeballs. It was nasty. And that was only from getting off of an antidepressant. It made me consider why addicts stay on drugs. Just to avoid this.

I cut down the dosage just after Christmas last year. It took until April to feel like it was all out of me.

So why am I spilling my guts about this? Mostly because I've decided I've done enough slinking around and hiding. Here it is, world, the way it happened for me. I know people who like to smoke a joint every now and then; I don't do it and I don't want to do it but I don't care, as long as it doesn't affect the way they function, and as long as it isn't a part of my life. I also know people who are on prescriptions that have made a huge positive change in their lives. They're alive, functioning and thriving because of their little white pills- who the hell could argue with that?

I know a few who've opted to self medicate their depression and anxiety with illegal drugs, and let me tell you, after what I went throught with the legal kind, I wonder sometimes if that'd be healthier. At least I would have felt like eating! But I made a decision years ago to just stay away from that shit and I'm sticking to that choice.

I still carry a small bottle of anti-anxiety pills in my purse, just in case I take a panic attack. I don't need them as much as I did. I have homeopathic remedies as well. And I take St Johns Wort for depression. If I don't take it in the morning, I feel it by 5pm. I used to feel it by 2pm.

So there ya have it. The whole sordid truth. Think what you will.


Nölff said...

I've done about every drug ever. Now I only drink. I too was miserable when I was on drugs.

People tell me I'm crazy all the time, but I know that I'm sane and the person telling me that tells me that to make themselves feel more sane... If that makes any sense.

I don't think those prescription crazy pills actually work. It’s a way to get you hooked on something to keep the drug companies money steady so they can send lobbyists to doctor's offices and Washington, thus fueling trickle down economics, also known as Reaganomics, and causing the United States to believe that Saddam Hussain bombed the twin towers instead of Al Qaeda and the liberals are selling all of our flu vaccines to Canada and Hillary Clinton raped Micheal J. Fox and she gave birth to a giant stem cell with a black girl's name like Propecia or some shit like that.

long sentences are the new black.

CindyDianne said...

No judgement here. I never tried the illegal drug thing. And, since I have did I figure why start now. Legal drugs on the other hand...

and now I take nothing except a hormone. But, I am thinking I may need to try the anti-depressant route again. maybe. or not. I don't know. I can't decide. I am not good with decisions right now.

dilling said...

ah, maybe I will be brave enough for my whole truth on drugs one day...but not today...I blew my truth day on Grouchiness yesterday... I worry too much about who is reading to put my old world up there...

Timmy said...

I am with Nolff, I have tried every drug known to man (an some not so widely known). I was addicted to meth for a few years, lost everything that meant anything to me. I still drink and smoke pot, but I have no desire to ever use anything more than that. I could never pass judgement on you Heidi -- I lurve you!

Marni said...

I applaud you and your honesty. You have truly come through some hard times and it is healing to spill it.

No judgement here -- been the illegal drugs route myself and thank the Lord every day it didn't turn into a nasty addiction.

Thank you for sharing.

The Adult in Question said...

"I smoked the dope" for some reason tha just sounds funny.
I have never done illegal drugs, I've watched my friends do it, but I prefer my alcohol. Oh and according to this eavesdropping I was doing on the bus..."Weed makes you fat" Yes. Some highschool girls are convinced that weed itself makes you fat. And kids, that conversation right there is why you shouldn't do drugs because they make you stupid, not fat. lmao.

Life, or Something Like It said...

I ahve never done coke, or anything that involves needles. You may remember my hash phase. If I'm at a party (yeah, right), and I smell it, I want it. The urge never goes away. I don't drink very often because I know that I could very easily become a drunk. (Alcoholics go to meetings)
The other kind...I know that I am one of those people that needs my anti-depressants. That's just the way it is with bi polar. I was so ashamed for so long...I didn't want anyone to know that I was 'crazy' or needed meds.
Who cares? Why is there still such a stigma with this issue?
I am curious, tho...Which pills turned you off of food? I would like to speak to my Dr. about those....

Heidi the Hick said...

Nolff- I don't think I need to add anything to that!!!

Cindydi- oh my dear. If you need it and it works for you, go get it!!!

Dilling- I wouldn't want you to have a truth overload this week! I know what you mean-- I've been wanting to share this for months but there's always this nagging fear that it'll come back and bite me in the butt!

Tim- I am so glad to hear that you escaped the meth addiction! That is scary stuff. Stay healthy my lurvely blogbuddy!

Marni- well said-"thank the Lord every day it didn't turn into a nasty addiction." Me too.

KC- "Omigawd, weed like, totally makes you fat. Like, don't even, like, totally look at it. I mean like, all the like skinny drugs, like the ones that make your, like, Metabolicalism faster, those are okay. Yeah. But like weed makes you totally fat."

Biddie- isn't it amazing that the urge never goes away? Good thing we don't party like we used to. Notice I didn't really get into drinking today...that's kind of a whole other thing.

There were times when I wished so hard that the drugs would have helped me. I was kind of jealous of those who went to the doctor and got a cure.

I will never ever judge anybody who goes on a prescription to help depression or anxiety or bi-polar or anything! My God, if it helps you survive then for the love of everything breathing, go on it!!!!

In fact I wish it was free. I think that would solve a lot. So many people are suffering.


Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Somehow... I don't know how, but somehow, I never got tangled up in drugs at all! I've never even had the chance or opportunity to even try marijuana. It just never came up and I was never curious!

Looking back, I wonder what the hell I was missing, but I also have seen the effects of what I was missing, so I don't miss it!

Besides, I'm odd enough as it is!

Angel said...

Hey ya Heidi, I appreciate your honesty. Drug use has such a stigma attached to it, it's hard to talk about. It's interesting the way different people react to drugs. I've done them all. Never had any problems with them. No addictions. No bad reactions.. I enjoyed them quite a bit. I have always known my limitations. One day about 2 years ago I spontaneously quit using. The decision came out of the blue, for no reason. But sadly, with that decision, I also lost some "friends".

Simply Amethyst said...

I tried pot... Only gave me a headache...Didn't do anything for me at all...
I have a pretty high tolerance for prescription drugs...
I tend to have an addictive personality, but not for drugs - more for people and relationships that are really bad for me...

melanie said...

drugs... yea. like them, they don't like me.

N I F T Y said...

I'm drug free. I've never even had the urge to do any of it, even though my good friend offers to split he E with me frequently.

Like Angel, I appreciate your honesty too! Rarely do I hear adults talk about that kind of stuff.

her indoors said...

i never tried drugs, watched a few good people go astray on them it put me off, i did/do smoke which i suppose is a drug, nasty i know! done the pills on and off them since i was 17, but happy to report off them now for 2 years

Tod said...

I've only ever tried dope though some of my friends were into speed, acid, & coke. I thought it was cool at the time and then it bored me and I moved on. It scares me now when I hear how even dope can cause psychosis in some people. That was ten years ago and occasionally I bump into an old friend and she is still in exactly the same place in her life because of drugs. She's like a stuck record that can't move on and she doesn't even know it. It's sad.

Heidi the Hick said...

This has been such an interesting conversation! I really appreciate how you've all shared your stories.

Now I have to write about something fun!

Balloon Pirate said...

People say I'm no good, crazy as a loon
Cuz I get drunk in the morning, I get stoned in the afternoon
Kinda like my ol' bluetick hound, I like to lay around in the shade
And I ain't got no money, but I damn sure got it made

And I ain't askin' nobody for nothin' if I can get it on my own
If you don't like the way I'm livin' ya just leave this long-haired country boy alone.

Seemed appropriate.

I'll have me the occasional beer (if any of my Canadian friends want to save me a Keith's, I'll be right over). Every now and again I'll have some whiskey if it's a single malt. I can tell my beaujolais from my bordeaux, my syrrah from my merlot. And once upon a time I'd toke up a bit, too.

But I've seen what drug abuse can do to a life, and now I pretty much much give the mind-altering substances (and their users) a fairly wide berth.


Smartypants said...

Hey sweetie...I am reading, I just have been crazy busy.

I haven't tried much. I also have to stay away from caffeine...anxiety attack waiting to happen.

Be careful with the St. John's wort if you're taking other drugs...it affects how other drugs are metabolized. In fact, it significantly reduces the efficacy of 'the pill' and there are quite a few "St. John Wort" babies running around b/c of it.

= )


I think you are brave...and beautiful.
Thank you for writing this.