The Grinding Crunch of Metal (and for once I'm not talking about rock stars)

HEY! PICTURES! IT JUST AIN'T THE SAME WITHOUT PICTURES!!!

Growing up with my Dad painting cars in the backyard so that he could afford to farm for a living, I have a great respect for the automobile. I don't let people lean on my truck. I don't care if it's 16 years old; I'll flutter and splutter, eyeballs popping, face reddening, as I struggle to find a polite way to say, "Get your ****ing *** off my truck before you ****ing scratch the **** out of the paint!! Don't even breathe on it!!!" You don't even want to know what happens if somebody looks the wrong way at the Jetta.

And yet, every fall, I am drawn irresistibly to this event, this massive destruction-fest, this huge waste of time, talent, natural resources, and welding rods. I cannot tear myself away.


DEMOLITION DERBY!!!!

Oh the pain! All of those precious, endangered full frame rear wheel drive cars with their V8 motors and their massive chrome bumpers. They are a dying breed and should be protected, but here we are cheering as they get crunched into scrap metal and all for our ravenous appetite for entertainment. At least this year there were a couple of front wheel drive 6-cylinder cars in there. Smash them up. Go for it.

Try clicking on the photos to enlarge them - if it works, you'll see the details, right down to the piles of parts left in the mud.

Here's the Best Dressed Car contest.Check out the Spiderman car! The guy was even shooting silly string out of it! Such effort...

Here's the very polite starting line up.

And they're off. And they're smashed to crap!Woo hoo!

And of course, every year, every year I sit on the edge of my seat seething with envy because dammit, I want in! I wanna be down there, in one of those cars, smashing the crap out of somebody else's car!

I know. Panic disorder. But wait, it all makes sense. Every day, I drive around, not hitting anything. Yes there are many drivers who don't get this basic rule of driving; you must not drive into things. At the end of the day, you should't have dents and scratches. I don't drive into things. I damn well could; you've seen what I drive. Wouldn't hurt me much, but no, I don't use my truck as a weapon. I avoid all the Othermothers who don't even look where they're going and how can you not see a GMC truck???? and I get through the day. Some of these women will mow you down in order to get their kids to school so that they can get to the gym for their workouts. They take their corners short and merely Pause at the Stop signs. But I can't drive into them.

Do you have any idea the amount of stress and anxiety this creates???

It would feel SO SO SO SO GOOD to just back up and SMASH SOMEBODY!!!!

While the packed capacity crowd ROARS WITH DELIGHT!!!!

Sure, I'd have a killer chest pain. But afterwards...sweet relief.

Of course, everything else would ache even more than it does now. My back hurts just from standing at the sink doing dishes. I'm not cut out for a career in demolition driving.

Think about it though. I'd paint my car hot pink. I'd paint red flames on it. My theme would be, "Mommy's had enough." I'd get the local grocery stores to sponsor my car. And maybe the workout gym. Oh, and the Massage Therapy and Chiropractor's clinics.

It would be awesome.

But not likely to happen.

Why do we love this? Why, every year, do we fill the grandstand? Why does my very sweet, proper, elegant sister scream and cheer for this? Why did my mom, my sweet, proper, elegant mother, heave herself up the steps of the grandstand with her blown out knee, leaning on a cane because there was no way she was missing the demolition derby?

I think you know why. Same reason I'd like to smash something, just once, and be approved for it.

BECAUSE...it is so hard to behave all of the time.

There are rules here, you know. All glass must be removed. All upholstery except for the front seat must be out. The battery has to be wrapped up. The doors have to be permanently sealed shut. The driver's side must be padded and reinforced, and the driver wearing a helmet, and there is absolutely NO hitting on the driver's side.

Clearly, safer than driving through a friggin subdivision on a rainy day when school lets out ...