So I went in to the local community theatre to try out for the role of Deirdre, the Ditzy Girlfriend, the Valley Girl Reinventing Herself as the Romantic Heroine, the 29 Year Old Virgin. I read her once. About three lines, consisting of "Oh Andrew" and "But why Andrew?" and "Andrew! Tell us!" and one more, "Oh Andrew!"
The rest of the time the director had me read Felicia, the Obnoxious Real Estate Agent, the New Yawker with the Bronx Accent and the Nasally Voice, the Jubilant Honk. Jubilant Honk!!!
I of course had already decided that were I to try this part, I had only one choice. Channel Bobbi Flekman.
If she could wrangle Spinal Tap into not putting a greased naked woman on all fours with a dahg collah around her neck on the covah of their album, then she sure as hell can convinced a washed up soap star to buy an apahtment.
But what the hell do I know about Noo Yawk? I'm a little white Mennonite farm girl from southern Ontario. I've been to four- count em, four whole cities in Canada. Toronto, Ottawa, Calgary and Winnipeg. Hell of a long way away from Noo Yawk. I've been to London England but that ain't Noo Yawk. I don't even think I've ever met anybody from Noo Yawk. I have watched TV though, and every second damn show on TV is about Noo Yawk. The Big City is always shoved down our collective Hick throats. It's inescapable.
And of course, I've seen This is Spinal Tap about 59 times.
On the other hand, what the hell do I know about being a 29 year old virgin? Do I even remember being a virgin?
I went in thinking I had no chance of getting a part at all, and was convinced once I got there. You wouldn't believe the amount of ACTING going on in that room. Wow. Most of the "Deirdre" tryouts were close to hyperventilating with all the Andrew-ing. Making me kind of nervous. The other "Felicia" tryouts were really over the top. One was a brunette 40 year old Joan Rivers. One was a 5ft tall bleach blonde 50 year old Melissa Rivers. I got no chance against the ersatz Riverses. Compared to everyone else's histrionics, I was whispering.
The audition call stated, "wear loose, comfortable clothing." I went in my vacuuming clothes. My wide legged, drawstring pants, my grey sweatshirt. And ugg boots. I felt like I was in my jammies. I might as well have been naked. How's that for a nightmare scenario? Naked, at an audition. In front of 20 people. Whom I have never seen before.
I shivered the whole time I was there. Cold. Nervous. Not just knock kneed. Full body shake. Wet armpitted? How about feeling the cold sweat drip down your sides?
So before I leave, the director asks me my name one more time, then asks me if I can come back next week. Turns out there's a second audition. And he'd like to "use me" in a few more "different situations." I don't know exactly what this means, but, to my relief, this audition is also at the theatre.
This was a terrifying, nerve wracking, silly feeling, embarrassing, uncomfortable thing to do. When I wasn't making a fool of myself in front of 20 strangers, I was sitting there feeling awed by the fact that all of us supposed grown ups were basically pretending. We were playing pretend. It was so awkward and so bizarre.
AND I LOVED IT.