Thursday, January 19, 2006

This is the ONLY time I will discuss politics so listen up!

I generally hate politics, but there is some comedy gold going on here right now. This is what I love about Canada. It's a democracy and we get to poke fun at our leaders to the point that they actually appear on our comedy TV shows as themselves.

So, those of you outside our fair country, guess what? We're having an election. Normally I'd just slink off to the polling station, still undecided, and take a wild guess and still get it wrong. I never seem to pick the right one! But this year, in our riding, (which I won't reveal because if you're reading the paper, you'll figure it out) we have got COMEDY GOLD baby!

Here are our choices:
Conservative- Lois Brown. She is the epitome of Nice Lady. She's been to the Merle Norman make up counter, she's been to the hairdresser, and she hasn't really said or done anything to offend anybody. That in itself is not funny. But it gets better.

Liberal-Belinda Stronach.
Yeah that's right, we've got our own tall blonde cool elegant heiress. Ours has an actual job. She kind of reminds me of somebody.

NDP- Ed Chudak.
I have nothing against Ed, just let me say that. He looks like a perfectly decent guy. But one day Smart Guy noticed that he looks like Peter Griffen from the Family Guy. And as I looked through Google Images I groaned, and whimpered that I couldn't do it, I just couldn't put the two photos beside each other, and Jethro said, "No, you have to. You have to do it. As a citizen and a voter, you have to do it. Blame me. Tell everybody it's my fault that you put nasty comparison photos on your blog." So, sobbing, I hit the buttons. I'm sorry Ed. Jethro the devil made me do it! I may have to vote for Ed to alleviate my guilt.

Green Party- I don't know who the candidate is. His name is on some of the signs. Glen something. May I just say, I think it sucks mightily that the leader of the Green Party, Jim Harris, didn't get to debate, but Gilles Duceppe, the spooky eyed leader of the Bloc, the freakin separatists, the "We want to be our own sovereign nation" party, gets a spot on national TV to say his thing. I got nothing against Quebec, man. But I don't get this. Anyways...

Let's top it all off with the guy who should get some kind of medal for guts. He's trying to keep the Progressive Conservative Party alive. He's an ordained Anglican Priest. And, he is, for real, a professional Elvis impersonator. Ladies and Gennlemen, I present, the one and only, Dorian Baxter, aka Elvis Priestly.
I mean, just admit it, the guy kinda rocks. He's a professional. And a priest. His name alone is awesome-Dorian Baxter. There are soap opera characters out there who can only look surly, wishing they had that name.

I'd like to finish up by telling you that it's time we quit picking on Jack Layton about the mustache thing. Why are we so offended by a mustache? It's a nice mustache. It's not scraggly or full of anything nasty. He's got the guts to wear it. It sets him apart from all other wimpy politicians. If given a choice between the mustache or Harper's shark eyes, I'd take the 'stache any day. I want you to know how hard I looked for a photo of Jack in a ball cap, but no such luck. He's pretty proud of his pate. Here I thought he'd make such a good hick. Can't you see him in a Pioneer Seed cap? However, since it looks like old Shark Eyes is going to be our next leader, here's a heartwarming photo that gives us hope that he may be representing the hick vote after all.He's gotta get the crease fixed on that hat though. I refuse to be governed by a guy who can't tell which way to put on his cowboy hat.


pluvialis said...

I have not laughed out loud and laughed so long at anything for AGES. Heidi, you should get a syndicated column. That was sooooo brilliant!

Heidi the Hick said...

I'm giggling silently because I thought my one attempt at political humour would go over like a lead balloon!