Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Not showing up for work: Johnny Depp is not hanging around my place, honest, I'm not hiding him.

I haven't worked in… six months.  There are times I seriously question whether I ever did really have a job type thing or if I made that all up and believe it because it sounds like fun.  I can't imagine going back to work.  I can get the chores done, but the thought of being upright for two hours, long enough to get the horses and barn ready, and get through a lesson, is exhausting.  I'm working on convincing myself to just sit on a horse.  Not go anywhere, just sit. I might need different drugs.  I'm broke, I'm tired, and I'm indecisive.  But despite all that, I'm actually doing much better than I was half a year ago.

Meanwhile, Johnny Depp bags off work for a week, and it's plastered all over the news.  Yesterday it broke, and there was talk of him holed up somewhere with no electricity that can only be accessed by donkey, or something, hiding from his wife.  Oh the speculation!

Well settle down, world, because he has conveniently arrived where he's supposed to be: back in Australia to resume shooting the 5th Pirates movie.

You know I fall for this stuff.  I get my news off internet entertainment sites.  Right now that's  the only news I care about or can emotionally handle.  There are people in this world who make a career out of making headlines about The Famous.  If Johnny disappears, it's news.  If he shows up the next day, as if all it took was a little disruption in the news ripples, that's even better.


I'd link to something but I seem to have busted my computer, or maybe I broke the internet, I don't know how this crap works.  Feel free to assume that I got my information wrong and don't know what I'm talking about, okay?

So awhile back, on the set of THE FIFTH PIRATES OR THE CARIBBEAN MOVIE, Johnny had some kind of mishap that resulted in a broken hand.

Here's what I took from that: another Pirates movie!  Heck yes!  I don't care if it sucks.  Gimme my Captain Jack.  You know how I am like that.

Accidents happen, and I'm sure there's a whole crew of people tasked with keeping everybody undamaged, but occasionally something happens.  I don't know what it was here.  Maybe it didn't even happen on the actual set.

Here he is getting on a plane to go fly to some hand fixing hospital somewhere.  

I can get behind the duct tape arrangement.  I was raised on a farm; this isn't the first time I've seen someone literally tape their hand back together and head off to the hand fixing doctor.  

And of course that's usually accompanied by the "Awright catchyalater, I'm aright seeyasoon."

About two years ago, he was still his crazy looking normal.  He looked like he got a bag of hand me downs from somebody's uncle, and the day of the Grammys he was like, aw crap, I gotta present a thing at that thing today, what's in the bag here… everything.  I'm just gonna wear it all.  And then snickers to himself as he imagines how all the tabloids are going to rip a strip off him for it, and how many worst dressed lists he'll end up on.  

But then...

He showed up to another thing, looking pale and waxy.  I'm not entirely convinced that's not a wax figure up there.  

And it got worse.  Last fall he was staggering and stuttering and it may not have been cute or funny.  

It would worry me greatly if he were an actual friend of mine. I'd be wanting to check on him and see if he's okay.  He's not looking okay.  

 The thing is, I see movie stars and celebrities as playing this very strange role in my life where I get to live vicariously through them.  I'm hiding from the world in my room, with my snoring pug, writing my little stories and listening to the vicious spring wind, while my horses roll in the mud and eat hay.  I like to look at pictures of interesting Famouses doing things in their interesting lives.  The problem is that I know just enough about how this whole thing works to totally suck the fun out of it.  Nobody on this planet has nothing but good days, first of all, and also, the career of Being Famous is a full time job.

I could be easily manipulated by those whose job it is to manipulate my feelings.  I like Johnny Depp as an actor, and I'd like to believe that I'd like him as a person.  I want to like his wife.  Depending on what I read, she's either really cool and different and interesting, or she's an opportunistic blank slate.  I can't even rely on photos because it's so easy to manipulate those too, just by inclusion.  Those pics of Johnny above?  I carefully chose one from two years ago where he looked pretty good, then chose ones where he looks slack jawed and pale.  See?  I'm not even making a living on this.

But I'm always making up stories in my head.  You know how your teacher in grade 3 showed the class a picture and we all had to make up a story to go with it?  That's my life.  That is constantly going on in my brain.  I can't shut if off.

 For example: Because I like Johnny, as much as I can like a person I've never met, I want to believe that his new marriage is a happy one and that they are well suited to each other and they're good for each other.  So this is how I see the following picture:

AMBER: You okay, darling?
JOHNNY: Sure, love, just walking down the airplane steps.
AMBER: Let me reach out my hand lovingly so that the wind doesn't grab you by the hair and whip you away from me.
JOHNNY: Thank you, darling, take the uninjured hand which bears your huge honking ring of enduring affection, which I offer to you as I gently brush my fingertips along your delicate beautiful skin.

Only I'd hope it's all a lot more sincere and less cheesy novel style.  

But I fear it may be more like this:

JOHNNY: Where are we, Amber?
AMBER: Australia.
JOHNNY: Movie?
AMBER: Pirates.  Hold my hand, okay?
JOHNNY: I wrapped it in a scarf.
AMBER: It looks great, honey.  Let's just do this okay?
JOHNNY: Did I lock the door of Marilyn Manson's house?
AMBER: You weren't there, you were at a motel in Arizona, remember?
JOHNNY: oh yeaahhhhh.  Netflix.  

AMBER: Hey everybody, we're back, he's back, I found him, take your pictures and we'll go do the thing.
JOHNNY: Okay let's go do the thing.  That I do.  Do you think anybody will say anything about me being a week late for this?
AMBER: Not if I can help it.  We're all good, ready to work!  Happy!  See?  All good!

I mean, at first glance, it's fine, right?  He's got a scarf raggy thing tied around his busted hand, so that's normal.  He looks like he was recently rolling around on the dusty cement floor of a garage, fixing something with wheels, so that's normal.  He's got a bunch of things hanging around his neck and his shirt appears to be half ripped off at the bottom and pinned together with a big safety pin, so that's all normal.  And she… honestly, who can wear pants like that and still look good?  She's just wearing mom jeans and a white T shirt, but she's got glorious thick blonde hair and she's wearing fun shades, and to top it all off, she's carrying a giant hardcover book, which works on me.  Right away, I'm assuming she's alright because she carries big books, which I assume she also reads.  And that's a nifty belt too.  I'm a sucker for a nice leather belt.  I want to like all of this. 


Say what you want about Johnny, love him or hate him, prefer he takes a bath first, either way,  you know he's got a reputation for being all-in when he's working.  He shows up.  He works.  

Maybe it's nothing.  

Maybe people all over the Greater Ol Homestead Area (including downtown Smallburg) aren't whispering about me either.  Maybe they are.  Maybe I'm not getting a lot of calls for lessons because everybody around here knows my horses are just hay burners and emotional therapists these days.  

Maybe Johnny didn't have the advantage of asking his pastor to just say a little note during the Joys And Concerns part of the sermon a few months ago about taking some time off and starting new medication. 

But in any case, I am still mostly hiding in my cozy bedroom, and Johnny Depp has shown up for work, and you don't need to come out here looking for him.  Even if he was hiding in my barn, I'd lovingly pep talk him into giving me Amber's number so she could come and get him.  Or send him to the emergency room, if it's bad enough.  I'd take him, but I let my driver's license expire in December.  Or maybe we'd drink tea and talk about how frickin hard life is sometimes and how loud it gets inside the skull.  We'd talk it out, man, we'd talk it out. 

It's what we do for our loved ones.  


jules said...

I love this, Heidi. I've missed your Johnny posts. I also noticed that his ripped shirt was being held together by a big ole safety pin. He's such a snappy dresser, lol. That photo of the wind-blown hair: I thought it might be the electricity between them, but I love your analysis: "Let me reach out my hand lovingly so that the wind doesn't grab you by the hair and whip you away from me." So much better than mine!

I hope you get to be feeling better soon. You mean alot to me, even though I don't know you at all.


Heidi the Hick said...

Awww Jules. What a little club of people caring for complete strangers! Thank you. I appreciate it. And I do like the electricity - hadn't even thought of that!

Undercover Sandy Cove-r said...

Pithy, Heidi. Enjoyed your Johnny post and seeing the metamorphosis of the man. Gotta wonder????

One day at a time, or as we're fond of saying these 21st century days, BE IN THE MOMENT! Take care.


Paul Tee said...

JD? All I saw was Amber.

Helen said...

Well Heidi, we know now that Depp is definitely not hiding out at your place, because he's hanging in our country. Which would normally be a cause for celebration, but he's in massive trouble at the moment because he's chosen to be an entitled jerk and bring his two small dogs into the country in his private jet, bypassing quarantine.


Why do the dogs risk euthanasia? Australia has very strict biosecurity and quarantine laws for animals coming into the country. Australia has been rabies free for at least as long as I have been alive and we'd really, really like to keep it that way. If one entitled jerk can try to use his celebrity status to bypass this system, then they all will and I don't trust US "celebrities" to keep their dogs away from squirrels and such in their home country.

Barnaby Joyce, the politician pointing this out in the article, is also a massive dickhead so I am feeling a bit dirty agreeing with him on something, but on this one, yes.

I hope the poor dogs can be shipped back in the time allowed so that they don't become the victims of Depp's incompetence.

Paul Tee said...

Holy Cow!

And all this time, the only thing I was curious about is what’s that book Amber is reading.

Congratulation to our friends in Australia if they can keep rabies out of the country. Canada is not so lucky. We have rabies from the rodent population, lime disease from deer ticks, West Nile virus and host of parasites too numerous to list …

Paul Tee said...

I forgot to mention mad cow disease…

Heidi the Hick said...

Yeah I'm kind of gritting my teeth over here. And cringing. Dude, quarantine laws exist for a reason! Aaarghhhhh! Ship those little guys home and next time pay attention to the legalities! Gosh heck Johnny do I gotta do all the thinking for both of us???

On a side note, dickhead or not, first of all the name Barnaby Joyce is spectacular. And I love it that he had to mention that even though Johnny had been sexiest man alive twice he doesn't get to haul his dogs anywhere he pleases. ("But... Sexy! C'mon!). And I am pretty sure ol Barnaby did a swear on TV. I don't know why that is funny to me. Politicians, they're just like the rest of us????

What's not funny is the euthanization risk. It sounds harsh but I get it. Read Paul's list of nasty diseases up there. Australia can't take chances with bio security. So like I said, get them home.


Helen Smart said...

This has really contributed to the (non existent) popularity of the Australian Tory government (called "Liberal" here with capital L but does not mean what it means in the US)


Heidi the Hick said...

I think our provincial premier was once referred to as a kitten eating monster. Oh Politicians.

Well I hear the dogs are heading home and we can all get back to work now.

Ha, see how I brought that all full circle? Yeah?

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