I scroll through ads for houses I'll never live in and horses I'll never own. It satisfies my need for being judgemental. I can harshly criticize how people think they should decorate their houses when they're trying to sell them, and of course, bitch about how advertising a horse tends to bring out the stupidity in people.
It turns into a game when I bring my husband into it. Poor fella. He gets regular emails from me featuring perfectly adorable and pretty much useless little teensy ponies and minis, all this while he's got like, eight musicians on the floor and the clock's ticking and he hasn't eaten in a few hours and there's probably a microphone cable somewhere in the building that's cacking out… and how can he concentrate when there's a picture on his iGadget of those little ears oh my gosh poking out of that fluffy mane eeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
Recently I've been seriously considering scraping together a few hundred bucks and buying a pony. I like ponies and I don't think they're evil. I think many don't get trained well because they're little and adults don't want to bother with them. I, however, am about the size of the average 11 year old. I am pony sized.
Also people tend to treat ponies like kittens instead of what they are, which is basically shrunk down draft horses - full sized attitudes. And strong. Are you aware of how freaking strong a Shetland pony is? The strength to size ratio is crazy.
I have a flaw that makes me kind of want to go plunk down the $150 and take home the saddest skinniest dirtiest little pony standing in the middle of the slop yard. BAD IDEA.
JETHRO: That's a vet bill. That's not a pony. That's a pile of dewormer and corrective hoof trimming right there is what that is.
HEIDI: But I really think just being taken care of would do him a world of good.
JETHRO: Damage. Damage from the day he was born. He's equine garbage.
HEIDI: Some clean hay and water, a few hours a day on grass… some good firm handling and lots of pats and snuggles… he'd be good.
JETHRO: Please don't.
Then there's the pony who basically just needs a different place to live.
HEIDI: Honey check out this ad! Broke to ride, good with kids, done parades and shows, need gone ASAP BECAUSE SHE DISCOVERED THE STUD DOWN THE ROAD AND WON'T STAY HOME ANYMORE! Bwahahahahaha! Are they gonna use the $500 to put up a new fence? hahahaha!
JETHRO: Oh dear lord.
Of course there's the "miniature pony" thing which is kind of… not the same thing. I mean, I sometimes have a hard time telling a small Shetland from a mini, especially if they aren't exactly well built specimens, but I always wonder if people actually know what they've got.
My favourite? The Percheron Pony.
HEIDI: Here's one. Not sure if broke, was being ridden before we got her, haven't tried since, easily jumps 3 ft. So….
JETHRO: And that's how she discovered the stud down the road?
HEIDI: That's a different pony.
JETHRO: Different pony, same story. BAD IDEA.
Of course there's this scenario…
JETHRO: I don't think the two for one pony idea is good.
HEIDI: Oh come on, you'd love a little foal running around here.
JETHRO: You wouldn't. You already said you don't want to fuss around with foaling.
HEIDI: But wouldn't it be fun just to see what the offspring of the mystery stud would turn out like? Hee hee hee hee!
Seriously, why are half the pony mares advertised already knocked up? Please don't answer that. We haven't got all day here.
My favourite one is the little pinto mare with the crazy headgear. She's got a halter on and over top of that, a strange looking bridle with a big honking curb bit with curved shanks. Why even make a bit like that pony sized? Are we cutting cattle with Shetlands? And what's with that bridle? I enlarge the picture on my iGadget. Oh my. Wow. That's not a noseband. That's the brow band. It's halfway between her eyes and nostrils.
HEIDI: Oh look honey. This one's broke to ride and drive and Heidi please get me out of here.
Truth is, I don't want the nasty run down sick unbroke pony. As much as my soft heart wants to pluck them out of there and give them a good life here at the old homestead, I can't afford it. Not with time or money. And honestly, whenever we play Bad Idea Pony, I know exactly why it's a bad idea.
I have a cart upstairs in the barn that I can't get rid of even though we haven't used it in about 30 years.
I have pony sized tack.
I don't think I want three horses.
But two and a half might be okay.
I need to start inventing rules for a game called Good Idea Pony Of The Week.