Wednesday, January 15, 2014

2014 Golden Globes - brilliant awkwardness, embarrassment and free booze. Just another Sunday on the job.

Man, I don't care what any of the "real critics" say, y'know, those people who are legit journalists and get paid to write about their opinion of these things.  I thought this show was freakin' great. I'm just going to sit here beside my dog and steal pictures off the internet (I feel bad about that but where am I going to get pictures?  I need pictures!!) and not get paid for it.  (It's okay, you can buy my book later.)

Welcome to the Tina And Amy Show.  I thought they did a good job of taking a few light jabs without being downright cruel.  And hello foxy!

When the show started I called my husband's name and yelled TINA FEY and he ran in the same way the dog does when I pour out the dog food and yell OKAY.

The Golden Globes are awesome because everybody sits at round tables featuring bottles of booze which are clearly visible on the telecast.  Other than my discomfort that there has to be a few people there who either should not or cannot drink alcohol... let's face it, liquid brain lube will make things either funny or awkward, which either way is going to be entertaining.

The other great thing is that this show combines movies and TV.  This made for a pretty good gag where Julia Louis-Dreyfus got to sit on the movie star side of the room wearing shades and smoking an e-cig.  Like, man those movie stars are so pretentious.  

And to make things even better, these awards are given out by the mysterious Hollywood Foreign Press Association.  Don't ask me where I heard about this, because bits of info tend to sink into my spongy brain in random order, but apparently this is a shadowy group of movie critics who get to show up all over the world to watch things and tell us about what they watched.  Then they throw a party for the famouses who will show up because of the free booze and a chance to practice for the Oscars.  The categories are totally goofy - movies are split into Drama and Musical/ Comedy???? But what about the Dramedies and the Musicamas??????

I felt a cruel delight just before the show started when I heard that there was a nasty flood on the red carpet that afternoon.  We've been dealing with nasty floods in the cellar of the old farmhouse.  The plumbing in this house isn't great.  Nothing that can't be solved by throwing money at it.  But sometimes wet things happen to nice people.  Even ones putting on a big televised party.  So there.  

But my biggest disappointment is that nobody gave me a chance to make my immature "golden globes snort snort giggle booby joke."  There were a lot of halter dresses that made me suspect that something was going to escape but that's just embarrassing.  

The good news?  COLOUR!  And not a whole lot of hideous outfits, which is... odd.  (Saving it for the Oscars?)

Let's look at Amy Adams

This is nice!  Interesting hairdo, unexpected colour combo, daring without making me scream at the TV to put it away!!!

Jennifer Lawrence

I like this, but maybe it's mostly because I like her.  

She got the first crack at an acceptance speech, which thrilled me because she's so honest and real.  She must be an absolute nightmare for her handlers.  She gushed her thanks to her director and forgot to mention his name, then showed her shaking hands so we can all see how nerve wracking this is.  

Keep up the good work, kid!

Jaqueline Bisset

She took fooooorever to get to the stage, then uttered a sound that may have been shock, then took a few deep breaths, maybe meditated a little, and then launched into a rambling speech just as the Wrap It Up music started.  She may have said something about drugs and booze and going to hell but it's really hard to say what was going on up there.  I'll say this though- fine looking lady in a pretty dress.  I think her hair is a little neglected, buuuut maybe it's part of the thing she's working.  Eccentric British Lady of a Certain Age? Your favourite wacky distant relative?  The woman you've heard somebody's uncle had a torrid affair with in his youth?  Either way.  She kept things interesting!

Diane Keaton

This is exactly what I expected and wanted.  She is a good looking woman and this is her thing.  Was it weird that she sang a little song to Woody Allen even though we all knew he wasn't going to show up and announced that he wouldn't even watch it on TV? Well she looks awesome.  

Here's Julie Bowen in a dress I love!

Red! Purple! Velvet! Satin!

This is possibly the best thing that happened all evening.


Stay well adjusted, sweetie, don't let this business ruin you!

This is Lizzy Caplan whom I'm not familiar with but I like her dress.

It's like an piece of art deco jewellery.

And here is Elizabeth Moss, whom I've never watched on TV (I live under a rock).

Another wearable piece of art.  This isn't the best pic of it but it's all beaded and fancy.  

Lupita Nyong'o (Did I get her name right??) did not go fancy, just stunning.

There's something silly about a cape, especially a strapless cape? But she is so elegant and pretty - oh my gosh, this woman's skin is amazing - and this whole look is perfect.

Reese Witherspoon.

Also simple and really well done.  My only complaint is that her bangs kept getting caught in her fake eyelashes.  I would have been freaking out and yanking at my hair but she blinked like it was nothing. Way to hold it together lady!  And that's why I'm not in line of work. 

Now check out all these ladies in their sleek dresses! 

Laura Dern.

On closer inspection I'm not actually crazy about this dress but she looks so good in it. Her hair is fantastic in that "Oh I didn't do anything to my hair, I just left the windows down in the car on the way here and whatever happens happens!" which is pretty much my life.  

Naomi Watts!

Liquid metal!

Robin Wright.

Wow!  Remember when she was The Princess Bride over 20 years ago?  I think she was pretty then but she's way hotter now.  Age is good for us. For a second I thought she was gonna fall outta that dress when she was on stage but her boob tape is heroic and we have nothing to gossip about.  Success!

Kyra Sedgwick.

This is possibly my favourite.  Love the colour.  She looks great, all healthy and athletic, like she's been flinging horse manure and slugging hay bales all winter.  I don't think she actually does.  But I like to think that's a fitness routine that would result in looking like this. I can hope, right?

And this is her daughter!

Sosie here was Miss Golden Globe this year, an honour given to the daughter of a Famous.

But this year in the name of "equality" there was a Mr Golden Globe.

Geez, Amy is very good at playing a sulky teenage boy.  

Might have taken away a little from Kyra and Kevin's family pride moment, but it was pretty funny.

However, somebody else likes to steal moments and he is not funny.  Sean P Diddy Daddy Puffy Combs is very annoying.  He apparently was too busy being an an Actor/Director/Producer/Musician/Designer to attend Presenter Class, where I'm sure he would have been taught that presenters don't get to make the speech for the award winner.  
Check out the body language here.

Bono: nope, sorry, no kissy huggy, I'll take that, thank you, easy there don't breathe down my neck.
P Puffy Diddly: Stage, lights, camera, me me me me, must make globally famous musician about me me me me me, this is about me, I present the award so it's like the award is kind of about me me me me.
Usher: Ooooooh, shiny!
Edge: Uhhhh...  I'll be right here when the chaos dies down a little...

The good news is, the chaos did die down a little, and U2 graciously accepted their award - even the drummer spoke!  Yay for drummers speaking!!!

But Diddly Puff had already been making an ass of himself before that.  His first presentation was to Alex Ebert, who really didn't need to have his spotlight stolen.  I mean, look at this guy.  His suit looks like it could fit into a western movie and his hair is.... wow, I just don't know.  It's like the kind of thing I do to my hair when I have a bath and don't want my hair to get wet.  Just twist it up there and get on with it.  Only his looks more intentional.  It's crazy.  It's a man up-do.  A man up-dude?  And believe it or not, I think he's working it.  That takes guts, man.

And yet, there's Diddly Pops Dumdum clamping a hand around his neck and announcing something stupid like, "I was on a boat with this guy and now he's here getting an award, therefore me me me me me!!!!"

I talked at the TV throughout this part.  It was either, "I like this dude, he's great!" or "shut up, shut up, shut up, this is NOT ABOUT YOU."  And I'm sure you can guess where each was aimed.

To his credit, the young Man Dude handled the whole thing pretty well.  He smiled and nodded and then made his speech with great ease and charm.  So I'd like to think that ol' Puff Diddles didn't totally steal his moment. And I have now given him waaaaay too much attention, which is exactly what he wants, gah.  So have your moment Alex Ebert!

And this leads us to more man-do discussion.  Some of you may know that I have a weakness for a certain type of man that I like to categorize as "Scruffy and Pretty."  I know it's weird.  I know.

How did ya like this Formal Ponytail Bun on ol' Jesus Leto here?

That's seriously carefully engineered haphazardness.  It says, I'm respectful of a black tie event  while still expressing, Watch out for the RAWK STAHHHH!  (On a side note, I have seen him perform with his band.  I didn't like it.  He cussed a LOT and unnecessarily.  Maybe it's not fair that later on when Audioslave was on stage, Chris Cornell busted out a swear or two and it didn't bother me as much.  Is it because Cornell is heavy and awesome and swore with casual flair, while Leto swore like he had something to prove?  I don't know.  Anyways, I'm indifferent about Jared Leto the musician.)
He really is pretty.  And he's generally working the Euro-Jesus thing these days.  Also he's 42.  Whaaaaat!  I wonder what that portrait in his attic looks like eh?

Joaquin Phoenix was super scruffy and brought his mom.


Leonardo DiCaprio also brought his mom.
Leo made probably the most coherent speech of the evening.

Ah, Leo.  We just watched What's Eating Gilbert Grape over the holidays.  I kept thinking about GilBERT come FIND me! Now that's good acting.  

Awright, Matthew McConaughey.  McYummy Hey.  McConauhick.  How can you not adore this fella?

His suit jacket is dark green velvet.  Class act, dude.  He was so smart, he thanked his wife for kicking his ass and his mom for kicking his ass outside.  

More men.  I like men.

RDJ kind of made it all about him while still making it all about them.

This guy OWNS the place.  Bought and paid for.  This stage belongs to Robert Downey Jr so fully and completely that there is no need for him to suck up to the person to whom he hands the award.

Johnny Depp, on the other hand, would clearly be anywhere other than here.

He got through it, because he's a perfeshnul, dammit, and he's gonna get it done.  But you just know this is the part of him job that he hates.

This is a job.  This, all of the awards and stuff, the red carpet circus and everything?  It's part of the job. It's promotion.  It makes me want to go watch a movie.  It generates interest and hopefully income.  And also gives everybody a chance to dress up and show up, which some love and some clearly do not.

Do we like Johnny's hair like this?

Don't ask me - you know I think he's gorgeous no matter what.  You could roll him in crap and I'd be like, "That's okay, that's what soap and water are for!"  It's for a role, I hear, so no need to panic about a mid life crisis or anything.  It really doesn't suit him.  Kind of the wrong shade for his skin.  But like I said, don't care.  Also, that suit jacket is great.

I'm not as crazy about his arm candy.

Amber Heard is very pretty.  Kind of generically pretty but that's not her fault.  She's looked much better than this, though.  This is not great.  The dress somehow manages to make her look lumpy, her hair is puffed up in a way that makes me remember high school proms, and not fondly, and the JoLeg is not happening.

This is how you JoLeg.

(Ha, see Puff Diddly Daddy?  I can make it all about me me me too!)

Anyways, I'm still not sure about the young lady because I can't not think of her as the Rebound Girlfriend.  She's in the unfortunate position of being compared to any of the stunning and unique women in Johnny's life, and this girl is no Vanessa Paradis.  Maybe, like many of the other ladies here, she'll be much hotter in a decade or so.  Or two.  You can see I'm really convincing myself that being over 40 is an advantage.  Although no matter what Johnny will always be twenty years older than she is.  But nobody asked me and it's better that way because my advice probably sucks.  I mean, who thinks it's funny to JoLeg in overalls?

What were we talking about?

Let's get back to the foxiness.

Jessica Lange. Yow.

Talk about age improving a woman!  I do really like the dress but I think she's what's making it work.

I love everything about this.  

Emma Thompson also looked great, but I think the dress wasn't really as great on its own.  It's her.  She's fun.

That little stunt on the stage - listen, you know that was a bit right?  That was a scripted, I'm sure.  She's been doing this long enough that she knows if she steps up to the microphone with her killer shoes in one hand and her drink in another that she can't open the envelope with her other two hands.  But it worked.  Who doesn't want to see classy Emma fling her wildly expensive shoes over her shoulder? Screw them!  Enjoy your martini Emma.

In contrast to all the long lean halter dresses, quite a few ladies wore long sleeves.
Mayim Bialik.

She chooses to stay covered up to honour her religious beliefs, thus proving that you don't have to be half naked to look beautiful!

Kristen Chenoweth

Got a special like for her, mostly because she is teensy, and probably would make me feel like a normal sized person beside her.  That doesn't happen often.  But what I really love is that she often acknowledges her small size but she takes up space like an amazon.  

I'm planning on going to Winnipeg this spring and I think a long sleeved dress could be a VERY GOOD IDEA.

Melissa McCarthy

I've gone back and forth on this dress and have decided I like it.  I like it more than the lame joke on stage about how she thought she was Matt Damon.  

There were a few pregnant ladies there.

Kerry Washington

So elegant!

Olivia Wilde

So slinky!

Drew Barrymore

So Drew-y!!

And now for my undecided dresses of the event.

I usually love what Zoe Saldana wears.  She's often in crazy stuff that most people hate.  

This has a lot going on.  I'd probably wear it.  But maybe not.  But maybe yes.  But not.  I like it on her?  Zoe don't point your toes together, you look like a six year old who doesn't want to go to the front of the classroom.

Julia Roberts.

On one hand, this is elegant and creative.  On the other hand, it's dumb.  Tucking a white shirt into a black strapless dress? On another hand, she doesn't look like she copied anybody else.  But on one more hand, I feel like she needs a string of pearls and a vacuum cleaner.  I'm out of hands.

But she's better looking now than she was in her 20s.  Let's hear it for not being in our 20s anymore!

Sandra Bullock

Really like it at first glance and then didn't.  
But I love her hair like that and she's awesome.

Now for the ones I didn't like at all.

Cate Blanchett.

One word for this dress: ITCHY.

Also her hair!  Looks like a Lego wig.  She's better than this!

Paula Patton.


And now, in search of the annual Golden Globes Boob Joke, let's look at some yellow.  

Melissa Rauch.

The colour is fun and this thing fits her! She's also fun size, but this doesn't make her look like a small child borrowing someone else's dress.

Lena Dunham cracks me up.  I've never watched her show but she's ubiquitous lately. She seems like a no bullcrap kind of girl.  I give her credit for working this even if I'm not entirely convinced.  

But she looks so good in yellow!

I just wish wish wish the top fit her better.  Not just because I want my boob joke.  She seems like a cool chick and I want the best for her.  That means being good to her Girls.  (See what I did there?  Cuz that's the name of her show that I've never watched?)

I knew Sophia Vergara wouldn't let me down.

It's too obvious for her to wear a gold dress.  That's way too much of a freebie.  But damn lady.  If I looked like her I'd dress like this EVERY DAMN DAY.

(No I wouldn't.  But in that alternate universe my regular yoga pants and hoodie wardrobe is SLAMMIN.)

Also she's funny as heck.

And she did me the favour of changing for the after party (probably because that giant black dress wouldn't fit through any doorways) and even though this dress is metallic but not gold, I'm still giving the Golden Globe award for her Golden Globes.  

It's a bit of a stretch but humour me here... I am a little immature this way.  

And I'll just leave you with a shot of the red carpet flooded with the same kind of yucky dirty water that crept across the cellar floor.  Nice to share my pain.  

Whew.  That was fun.  Let's hear it, folks -- what do you think?


Paul Tee said...

Heidi, you outdid yourself this time.

You really should do this professionally. At OMG??

Heidi the Hick said...

Would I have to go to the University of International Blog Critics?? I don't think I'm ready for that. How's the pay? Better than what I'm getting now? Hahaha!

Cindy D. said...

Am I the only one who thinks that Kyra Sedgwick looks sort of like some sort of alien? Her irises are black and her mouth just creeps me out.

I mean seriously! I watched her on The Closer for years and tried so hard to look at her as a human being, but never could. Maybe I'm just seeing things.

mugwump said...

Dear Heidi...I'm sorry we started pug bashing...it's not the pugs, it's the mad scientists who keep tinkering with them. I defended your pugs...Mugs

Kimber said...

Awesome post!!! Especially lurved your "Jo Leg." You rock. Glad someone else besides me like awards shows and yells at the TV. Bono's P-Diddy dodge was epic.

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