Sunday, July 14, 2013

My ill-informed take on technology, part 1: Google Glass, aka, DOUCHE MONOCLE

Note - the insult popular among the youngsters, referring to a feminine hygiene product (apparently it's an actual thing, or was back in the days when women supposedly wore pearls and pretty dresses to clean the house) is not a term I use regularly, or ever, but... I have never called anybody a D-bag, honest.  But this.  This.  Sorry.  Had to. 

When I first heard of "Google Glass" I immediately conjured a mental image of some insufferable hipster with a steampunk lens gadget stuffed into one eye socket.  Mostly this is because the article I read made it very clear that the thing, whatever it is, fits over just one eye, and it's called GLASS okay, Glass, singular, as opposed to GLASSES, plural.

See, only ONE.  

It used to be for aristocrats as seen above, or villains although the guy above looks like both possibly.  

The whole concept makes my eyes roll and my jaw drop, tongue hanging, strangled groaning noises coming out of my throat, and a desire to complain and rant that is only overwhelmed by my technological apathy.

But imagine this: all the cool techy people walking around sort of not really there because part of their brains are looking at the screen (in front of their eyes?) which is showing them supposedly all the important stuff they need to know in order to navigate the world, which apparently is now so hard to deal with that they need constant internet presence.  Or something.  I don't know.  All I know is, it's really hardcore goofy.

People are already walking into things because they have to have their gadgets in front of their faces at all times, and now somebody at google is hoping to convince us that having part of our brains otherwise engaged is a huge improvement.

Also, it looks stupid.  

I'm sorry, Sergey, but it does, it looks stupid.

I guarantee you if I set this silly contraption on my face I won't look like this.

Or this.

Or this.

For sure not like this.

Somebody imagines beautiful young women wearing this one-eyed contraption on their faces. 

I doubt it.  It'll probably be tech obsessed dudes who love gadgets.

I hope they also love eye strain.  And prefer the right side of the face because the left side has become boring.  

I hope I'm not deeply offending you if this is the gadget that will improve your entire life, give you better night vision, and bring your family closer together, but this is so dumb.  I don't want to talk to anybody wearing this thing.  Seriously.  

Please don't do this.  Actually live life.  Talk to people.  Look up your destination before you leave home.  Call the store and find out if they have the thing and how much it costs ahead of time.  Don't be that guy who is so self obsessed that he has to be constantly be checking something else that isn't in front of his face in real life.  Don't be self-obsessed and obnoxious.  Teenagers have a word for that kind of guy which is quite vulgar considering its origins, but dude, I have no other words.  Don't be the guy wearing the Douche Monocle.  

Thank you.

Now I'm going to check my iGadget to see if anybody wants to book lessons next week even though it's against my religion to do business on Sunday and then beg my family members to put down their iGadgets long enough for us to have some kind of meaningful conversation.

1 comment:

Heidi the Hick said...

Also I'd like to note that yes, I am blogging on a Sunday, which is also something I restrict myself from on account of that thing where I try to stick to that old fashioned day of rest thing.

So basically I wrote this on a Sunday because the term DOUCHE MONOCLE came out of me while we were eating lunch and talking and I wanted to quick put it up on blogger before anybody else thought it up and thus ensuring that google will always find me if anybody else comes up with that term.

Wow I'm one of THOSE GUYS.

blech. I need to go outside for a little while now...