Friday, September 02, 2011

Swagger and Spit: A Hick Chic Guide

Cute Stuff, who lived a few houses away from us when we lived in town, brought his Mom out to the Ol' Homestead for a visit this week. 

Cute Stuff knows where I keep the extra cowboy boots in the barn.  

Here we are going out to catch a horse.  He is wearing cowboy boots.  I am wearing chicken-white legs.

He had to swagger.  It's what you do when you're rocking the cowboy boots.  

The kid's a natural.  

Cute Stuff started talking about spurs.  He asked me if I have spurs.  Yeah I have spurs.  His green eyes got real big.  Do you USE them?  Not very often.  Only on Phoenix.  Cute stuff had this idea that I get on my horse and jab him in the guts repeatedly.  So I asked him where he's getting his info from and got reminded that I am totally unhip when he told me about a video game called Red Dead Redemption.  

Yay, another source of western stereotype misinformation.  But guess what - Cute Stuff can now tell the vid-kids that he has actually worn spurs.  For real, dude.

I wouldn't let him ride my horses with spurs.  Nobody uses spurs on them but me, and no, I don't stab them.  They're just reminders, which I explained to him.  But heck, spurs are good for photo- ops!

And while we're at it, let's get you a hat.

Mine's already too small for him.

I handed him Jethro's.  He set my teensy hat on top of my head while I buckled up my spur straps.  

This led to a very important lesson:  How To Wear A Stetson.  As you can see in the above pic, he first put it on set back on his head.  Can't do that.  You'll look like a NOOB, I told him.  Dead giveaway that you're new at this.  

You gotta hold the crease in your hand like this and then set the sweatband, that leather strip inside the hat, right on your forehead.  Then slide it down onto your head.  It's gotta be right on your forehead.  And don't jam it down by grabbing the brim by the sides.  And it's a real Stetson so careful, cowpoke.

He got it down right quick.  Like he's been wearing it for years.  

Like a cow-boss. 

Seriously, he wasn't even posing for that picture.  

Of course, once you've got the hat, the boots, the spurs and the swagger, all that's left (besides the horse) is the spit.  It's dusty out there.  You gotta spit.  

And of course it's best if your thumbs are hooked in your belt buckle.  If you had a belt buckle.  


And attitude.

Hadda hock up a few good loogies.  (Do you call 'em loogies out west???)

He's very good at spitting.  I hardly had to teach him anything.  

I'm telling you, even if he only gets out here once a year, it's worth it.  He needs to reach his Inner Cowboy.  

And we have one more horse to cuddle now.

The spurs came off.  We swapped out the Stetson for a Troxel  (what, it's Ontario, we can't cowboy-up all the time.  And also legally I have to slap a helmet on anybody under 18) and put Cute Stuff on a horse.  He still looks cool.  

Look at him, sitting there like he does this all the time.

He'll grow into the boots and the hat. 

And I've got bigger boots, so he can keep visiting for years to come!


Paul Tee said...

Hot Damn! All you two need is a brace of low slung six-guns and you could be in Deadwood Texas, cleaning up the town so that churchgoing law-abiding citizens can go about their business without any riffraff getting in their way. But you'll have to get a full length dust coat. And if you need to spit, aim for the spittoon in the corner of any respectable parlor.

The pictures are great (thank you photographer) and the running commentary is masterful. I can hear the spurs jingling and the spit sizzling on the hot sun-burnt Texas corral sand. The flies buzzing in the unforgiving heat, and all around the horse manure baking to rock-hard muffins...

Monty's Mom said...

Thanks Heidi for a great time. What I love most is how comfortable Christopher is with you and the horses. I took a short video, of when you first went to see Oakie, and he somehow went from her nose, around you, with his arm around you, and then slid over so he could pat her side. It's really nice, no shyness at all. Not that there should be, he's known you for ever. Hope to see you guys soon, with the whole clan. Perhaps a Thanksgiving "combinashe" After all, your dad wants me to come see him again soon! Hee hee. Loved that.

Anonymous said...

Every "cute stuff" needs a friend like you. Thanks for sharing a wonderful post!

jules said...

I TOTALLY see why you call him Cute Stuff!