Friday, April 09, 2010

Heidi the Hick will now suggest fixes for a few problems.

I'm irritated by a lot of stuff.

First of all.


Ever see that episode of the office where Michael and Dwight drove into a lake?

We're all getting dependent on our GPS units.  Even dudes, who genetically, apparently, cannot get lost because they're not lost, have to GPS everything.  Then it's cloudy and the satellite can't beam its poisonous rays down to us and then everybody's lost.

MEN are losing their sense of direction!!!  This is potentially an emergency situation.

the fix: it's called a "Road Map"  It needs no batteries, or satellite link, or any other kind of technology other than a light source.  Even if you can't fold it again, it'll still work!

Here, our lovely friend Johnny demonstrates how a map works:

Simply unfold it, and look at it.  Also, it is possible for men to read it!  I know, I'm as shocked as you are.  But it's true.



It's different here in farm country than it is in the Greater Toronto Area, but no matter what form, it bugs me.  When I lived in the subdivision, I was constantly aware of the danger my kids faced every day on the way to school.  We lived like, a block and a half away.  And yet regularly I feared for their lives, even in that supposedly quiet neighbourhood.  Wanna know why? Parents.  Parents on wheels, specifically.

It will always stun and disgust me the way a parent on wheels will some so close to running down someone else's child in order to get their own to school on time.

the fix: Start off earlier.  Or better yet, start off a lot earlier and walk your kids to school.  Oh, and also, open your damn eyes, and actually turn your head and look around.  When you look around, SEE CHILDREN and then WAIT FOR THEM TO CROSS THE STREET.  It's not that hard.  Smarten up.

Rural traffic is a different story.  I personally think there's too damn much here.  Oh check it out, I'm about to morph into a grumpy old woman.  These small towns around here are a lot bigger than they used to be.  People drive from home to work, and those distances have increased.  People are willing to drive much further.

What really bugs me is the drivers getting bent about the tractors using the roads.  Tractors are big, and often even with the right side wheels over on the shoulder, they're still hard to pass and get around.

the fix:  suck it up and follow the damn tractor.  Start off earlier.  (I say this like I'm good at it... I'm not...)  You cannot pass the tractor until the yellow line is broken instead of solid, so calm down and wait.  Don't complain about the farmer -- he's just trying to get to work, like you.

About that yellow line: it's there for a reason.  If both lines are solid, you can't pass.  If it's broken on your side, you can but oncoming traffic can't, and vice versa.  You better look on down the road too and look out for passers.

The big highway north of us has been a big problem for, oh, forty years or so.  There's been talk of expanding the highway or building a new one to go around the small town the highway runs through.  Each one has insurmountable problems.

If the highway gets expanded to five lanes, two in each direction plus a turn lane, all the historic buildings have to go.  The town will practically be decimated.  This town is well known as an antique mecca and business will suffer!

Not only that, but many farms along that corridor will have huge chunks of land sliced off.  Very few farmers are into that idea.  They'd be financially compensated, sure, but that land can't be replaced.

Now if a new highway is built, a lot of farmland will be taken completely.

the fix:  More of the dirt roads in this area will have to get paved, and traffic increased there in order to take the pressure off the highway.  I don't think this would be popular either; some people like living on a dirt road because of the low traffic.  Others are sick of the dust and ready for asphalt.

Our road was dirt a few decades back.  My dad says my grandma used to go out with a watering can on laundry day so the dust wouldn't end up on her clean stuff hanging on the line.

Okay that felt all serious.  I'm not in the mood for serious.

Now I would like to fix Chad's hair.

He's taken on this kind of straightened and bleached idea.  It's not a Nickelbob anymore, but I'm not sure what it is, exactly.

the fix:  Man, cut it all off.  Maybe not brush-cut like little Bro, not down to the wood, but just try it short.  Either that or grow it out long again.  One or the other.  Not halfway.  I mean, Chad doesn't do anything else halfway.

Like, belt buckles, for example.

See?  That belt buckle is so awesome, it doesn't need halfway hair!  

Well I'm all done fixing things for today, and that barn isn't self-cleaning. Enjoy your weekend.


Heidi Willis said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in such a long time!!!! You are simply hilarious!!

And the fact that you found a photo of Johnny with a map?? Priceless!!

Nickleback is here this coming week. I was supposed to go see Chad and the gang with my friend who is supposed to be working for them - watching them from backstage and hanging with them after...except my friend got a job with Blue Men Group in Tokyo for a few weeks. cna you believe the nerve? So I'm gonna have to just admire that belt buckle from your blog.

Okay, that's all I've got to say.

This is an awesome post!

Paul Tee said...

I would like to fix things too. The world if I could. BUT. But in the background there is that small voice whispering: don't fix it if it ain't broke like 100 percent. As long as it limps along and just acts tempermental, I can put up with it. Ah yes, DENIAL is such a useful tool, if I can nurse it through just one more day, we are golden. See, I tell my wife, and you wanted to throw it out. Limp, limp, limp.

I tell myself that one day I'll be limping too, and no one better start messing with me, just let me drag myself through the day. See, I'm good.

But I commend you for your instincts: very, very nicely penned.

Heidi the Hick said...

I wouldn't fix you, Paul, you're just right!

Heidi, I can tell you one thing for sure about a Nickelback concert: PYRO!! Unless you're at the opposite end of the arena you will feel the heat!!

And see the belt buckles.

dilling said...