-visualizing what it might be like to teach my lesson plans in front of the Evaluator
-and in my imaginings, I do a great job of it
-getting all my gear together: all the leg wraps and bandages, the grooming kit, first aid kid, lunge line and whip, and my binder full of notes, papers, plans
-deciding what to bring for lunch
-getting up at 3 am for the last five days to take my Side-effexor, so that when I wake up at 6 (or, tomorrow morning, 5 am) I don't feel as queasy because I've slept it off for awhile
-blogging a list of lists, haha
-realizing that in my entire life, this is the only formal education that I've ever really cared about. High school? Pfah. College? Fun year. This? This matters.
-reading my Western Rider manual over and over again
-thinking like an instructor
-cleaning all my grooming tools and tack boxes and making sure everything looks neat and PERFESHNUL.
-congratulating myself for sticking with it for the last three years, cuz y'know what? IT HAS NOT ALWAYS BEEN EASY TO STICK WITH IT and many days I felt like giving up. But. There are a lot of things in my life I cannot control. This, all I have to do is stay stubborn, keep my head down, and plow through it. Sometimes I have really, really enjoyed it, and that keeps me looking for the next good spot.
-knowing that nothing in my life has come to me easily... I'm a slow learner and I don't take directions well, I confuse easily, I have a hard time paying attention. I'm a klutz. I sometimes fall into a deep pit of depression when things are looking really great. I'm a bit of a mess, really. But I've got that good old Mennonite work ethic. I have to keep at it. It's just in me.
-deciding that this could actually be kind of exciting, doing this exam.
Think about it: Eight hours in a horse barn, showing off my SKILLZ, talking about horses. Wearing my pretty pink shirt and my Stetson. Ooh, and my blingy belt. And my Wranglers (I hope they fit tomorrow!)
I get to ride, and teach others how to do something. This could be...fun.
If I get an attack of the panic, I can ask my Evaluator for some time to take a breath and collect my thoughts. I can do this.
It is exhausting to prop myself up like this, buy hey look at me, I'm doing it.
See ya on Monday...