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Thursday, April 09, 2009

I started this blog post three times. I hate April.

Why does spring have to be so cruel?  I hate the month of April.  I hate the slimy muck left behind by melting snowbanks, the litter left at the side of the roads, and the mud.  I hate the way I don't feel that happy enthusiasm I see on almost everybody else.  

I hate the weather.  It tricks me.  One day it's ten degrees above freezing and we're ready to put away the heavy winter coats.  The lawn looks like it's drying up.  I feel a tiny glimmer of hope.  The next day, I wake up to a coating of wet snow on every surface, and the snow falls for two days straight.  It always snows in April here, and every year we want to forget.  "It's unfair" we whine, but it's normal.  It's the foolish optimists who trust the fickle weather!

I hate the totally unreasonable misery I drag around.  It's stupid; I have a good life.  I didn't ask to be miserable and it bothers me no end that I have to work so hard to shake it off.

I know I'm better this year than I was last year.  I tell myself that every day.  I wear myself out, correcting every little negative thought.

I know them.  I know how they sneak into my brain.  I tell myself it's the depression talking and that I really don't want to leave my husband or stay in bed all day without eating anything, or drive into a brick wall or spend the whole day swallowing every pill in the house and washing it down with every bottle of wine I can smash open.  I really don't want to do any of those things. 

I don't particularly want  to do anything.  That's the problem.

I realize that once I get going I'll be okay.  If I can talk myself into getting out of the house and into the truck, and just put my brain in auto-pilot long enough to drive out to the Little Valley, I'll be in a place I like spending time in.  Once I pick a horse and saddle her up, I'll want to stay there on her back for awhile.  I feel ashamed that it takes such effort to do something I enjoy.  Worse, in order to reach a goal I set for myself, I have to ride, and I hate it that I can make it feel like an obligation rather than what it really is- something I love to do.

I am fully aware of what I need to do to get through this disgusting muddy indecisive time of year.  

I need to get out of bed in the morning and stay out of it.  No matter how tired I am I should stay awake and get active rather than let myself snooze.  Getting my days and nights turned around won't help me at all.

I need to take the Pug for a walk.  He gets a walk every day, but it's not always enough for him, and I know I could use it too.  What excuse do I have for skimping on it? Oh, y'know, I'm tired, it's cold, I was on the computer too long and now I have to get going so his walk gets cut short.  We should be out there for a good 45 minute haul, at least.  

I need to blast myself with that big light lamp every morning.  I try to do a half hour, while I eat breakfast.  It hurts my eyes.  Not pleasant.  But I do think it improved my sleep, and that's important.  

I need to ride more often, and really ride, not just dawdle along.  I need that sense of accomplishment.  It's been over a year since I passed my last rider level test.  It's time. 

I need to write.  It's been proven over and over that if I don't write, bad things happen.  I get bad-crazy.  I doesn't even matter what - I just need to let some words out.  It's like a pressure release valve.  I might go back in a few months when I'm feeling a little more like myself and be amazed at how bad all that word pollution is, but that's irrelevant.  I just gotta write and if I'm lucky, I can dig something good out of it.  

The worst part, the absolute worst, is that it's so easy to do these things.  Soooo easy.  And yet I spend a huge amount of energy talking myself into it.  

At least I know what to do, and I know that it won't last. Even if I can't see that light, I know it's there.  

It's a long weekend.  It's a celebration of death and life and the triumph of life over death.  Symbolic?  It is for me, more and more every year.  

I'm planning on getting some much needed churchin' this weekend, along with some much needed horse time and family time.  I wish you all a good weekend, however you'll be celebrating, and I'll be back here on Tuesday.    


13 comments:

One Red Horse said...

Yeeech - all that crap about "April Showers" . . . who needs them!

What about Essential Fatty Acids - help the brain work more efficiently, check research.

Oh, Vitamin D - sounds odd, but shortages are so common. Adds to depression, lethargy, like full time SADS.

Heidi the Hick said...

I'm taking B 12 but I'm going to ask about D as well. I'm taking three pills a day total, but as of next week I'll be adding two more. DOCTA-CHAN has increased my dosage just a little wee bit. I'm also taking a big honkin Omega capsule.

I do like DOCTA-CHAN! He's been pretty cautious with meds.

So... April showers... if it was even just rain I think I'd be a little happier! But the mud and crap, you just get sick of it, y'know?!?

captain corky said...

Writing helps me sort out my insanity too. Nothing has ever helped me more actually.

I was never that really crazy about this time of year either. Things are a little different now that we are having a baby next month and Max was born in the Summer.

Fall and early Winter are still my favorite seasons, but the babies make the other two seasons very enjoyable now.

Paul Tee said...

Take heart. This too shall pass.

Heidi the Hick said...

Captain Corky! I'm so glad you said that writing helps you sort out the insanity rather than make the insanity go away! Let's face it, the insanity might not go away at all and if it did what the heck would you do with yourself??? (And I love hearing how your babies make life so much better!)

Paul, you are right. All things do pass!

coffeypot said...

April is good. It is the start of rebirth of the earth. Flowers are sticking their blooms out for the sunshine. Grass is poking through the damp earth wanting to stretch up towards the sky after lying dormant all winter. Leaves are beginning to fill out and cover the ghostly skeletons of the trees. Fruit and vegetables are beginning to grow for our nourishment. Shorts are in fashion during the day and sweaters at night. I like the spring. April is good.

mugwump said...

OK. Here's my wierd. I have a little lizard.I also have a tortoise. And fish. When I'm in the mood you describe (for me it's 1/2 Feb and all of March) I try to do all the "I shoulds". Dog walk, sun, horses, write, draw...But I also go into my little animals world. I watch the fish and think about them. Maybe get them a new plant. I make the lizard a new thing to climb and watch his world. So I get tiny. Kind of like Bonsai with animals. And I think. Stories, ideas, whatever. It's fun.

Biddie said...

Bah..I hate this time of year, too. When I was a kid, I would play in the mud, climb trees and poke around in the dirty snow...
Now, these days? Yuck. I hate the dirtyfilthyicky snow and the wetness that turns to dampness...
I was ready to cry when we got snow the other day. I was.
Writing is a big help for me, as well. What I am areally waiting for is the weather to get warm enough to sit on my swing and read.
It has to happen soon, right????

Heidi the Hick said...

Oh Coffeypot, nothing's blooming here yet. Maybe I need to take a trip down to Georgia? The in-lawrs will be on way home from Florider soon. Ha, won't they be surprised that we've still got a few stubborn little chunks of snow sticking around...

I got a feeling you like spring because the clothes get smaller, am I right?

Mugwump, hmmm. Get small. Get tiny. That gives me something to think about... the good thing is that I'm getting ideas this year, and last year I had a really hard time with writing. It all came out boring. So at least I've got something creative in my head.

Biddie, Yeah, I know! I felt like crying too. It wasn't just a normal April snow, it was a mild snowstorm. I just felt like, man, are we cursed????

But yes, you will be on your porch swing. You will. It has to happen!!

coffeypot said...

Your comment reminded me of a joke. A husband and wife were shopping and the wife saw the bathing suit display. Spring was coming on and thoughts of the beach were in her head so she stopped by to look at the selections. She looked at several, then asked her husband which she should get, the bikini or the one piece. He told her the bikini because he didn’t think she could get it all in one piece. He will be out of intensive care tomorrow.

And yes, I do like less. Less is more.

The Preacherman said...

I hibernate in bad weather with a bottle of vodka. Works for me.

pseudosu said...

You have the secret weapon kiddo. Knowing it is temporary and what you need to do to keep your life running until the cloud passes over.
I know. It sucks while it's happening, but it's just part of your make-up (so probably no accident). You'll get through it. I'll be thinking of you hon.

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