Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I really wasn't goin' 4 wheelin in my backyard. I mean duh, I live in town.

"The Chevy got stuck and the Ford got stuck got the Chev unstuck when the Dodge showed up but the Dodge got stuck in the tractor rut which eventually pulled out the Ford.  (With some difficulty.)"  CORB LUND AND THE HURTIN' ALBERTANS

On the weekend we pulled the truck into the backyard to use it as a GMC workbench.  It was a nice sunny weekend, and the yard, which is usually a swamp at for all of March and most of April, was dry enough to be solid.

We stupidly left it in the yard on Sunday night.  

It rained Monday.  It rained all day.  It rained in harsh horizontal sheets.  

When I finally got off my butt and tried to move the truck out of the backyard so I could, you know, drive it somewhere, this is what happened.

My daughter Tribble took pictures from the warm dry safety of the dining room.  I don't blame her; it was raining so hard you can see the drops on the glass.  But still the word "wimp" did go through my mind a few times as I struggled in the wet slippery clay.  

I'd been saving this box of kitty litter in case some little cat desperately needed a home.  I had my doubts that this would work... it'll usually do the trick in snow, but folks, mud ain't snow.  

You might wanna remember that.  MUD AIN'T SNOW.

Also, you can try chunks of plywood or any other scrap lumber that happens to by lying around your place.  We all have scrap lumber, right?  You can also try a shipping blanket and a door mat.  You can try.  I'm just sayin.

It probably won't work.  Like I said, you can try.  It'll make ya feel useful, maybe.

My good neighbour-friend Zedlie, who is always up for a challenge (and who my Dad says should have been born out in the sticks instead of in Scarborough) came by to give me a hand.  Hot damn, we were planning on horsin' that thing outta there with raw girl power.

We had the old rock n push going on pretty good.  I warned her that us hardworking women, we better not accidentally birth any babies while we're out here doing the men's work and all.  

And then we gave up.  It was just getting in deeper and it was getting colder.  I spat out a few DAMMITS and we left it right there, wedged in between the shed and the deck - which by the way, got pretty much finished the day before.  Yeah.  Yay.

And I do know that my backyard looks suspiciously like a trailer park- not that there's anything wrong with that!

I told Zedlie that if I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna do it big.  I'm not even getting outta bed unless I'm gonna spectacularly mess something up.  And you know what else?  I can laugh about it.  Yup, I'm Canadian darnitall and I was raised to understand two things: hard physical work and self-deprecating humour.  I can fail magnificently at getting my own farm-girl-wannabe pickup truck unstuck - and then laugh at myself.  hahahaha.  See me laughing????

Okay I wasn't laughing there, I was making a goofy face at my daughter through the window.

But I had to laugh, because the alternative is crying, and I've got Side-effexor to prevent stuff.

So the continuing story involves Jethro.  

I'd told him on the phone before bedtime that I had it stuck up to about two inches away from the wheel rim.  He didn't think that was too bad.  He'd suggested earlier that a call another neighbour, Clarence the roofer, to pull the truck out.  Clarence's truck, a Ford F250 crew cab dually (insert manly snorting noises here) is bigger than my truck.  How in the heck is that gonna fit in there with my sad machine wedged in there?  Hmm?  

I think I was having dreams last night about a whale stuck in shallow water near the beach, like just shallow enough that the big beast couldn't turn around and swim away.  There might have been a chain involved.  I remember yelling at somebody, "How the heck are you gonna pull that whale back into the ocean?  It has no armpits!!"

I woke up just enough when he came home to hear him say, "Don't you worry yer pretty little head about it, I'll git yer truck outta there."  Or maybe he didn't say it exactly like that.  I might have moved on from whales to cowboys by then.  

I felt really crappy this morning, so I went to lie down and let my stomach settle.  (Thanks, Side-effexor!) I fell asleep.  Soon I was dreaming that next door, a dump truck was spinning its wheels and digging itself into the mud.  Dream-me stood in my window and thought, "What the heck is going on with this neighbourhood and stuck trucks?!"

Then I noticed that the dump truck was so deep, it'd dug itself in up to the doors.  The entire dump box was under the ground.  And it was still sinking!  The driver kept hitting the pedal and the truck kept spinning itself deeper.  Then I started to panic.  "He's gonna have to smash the windshield to get out!  Somebody get him outta there!"

So there's Dream-me, in the middle of the road, having an all-out hyperventilating panic attack while that engine kept on revving and the wheels kept on spinning.  And I knew it was a dream.  I had to wake myself up but I couldn't because I was in the middle of a panic attack.

I gotta wake up!

I can't wake up!  I can't breathe!  How can I wake up when I can't breathe????

Finally I was back in real time... but the wheels were still spinning.  I could hear mud hitting the deck and the back wall of the house.  I looked out the window.  

Yep, Jethro was giving it a go.  

He had the truck rocking real good.  Except that in this case, "real good" had to be followed with "and stuck."

He came in a few minutes later, with his big sleazy grin.  "Well.  Got it in up to the floorboards!"

I groaned.

Then we called the tow truck.

The CAA guy had a bald head, a couple of rings in his face, and several tattoos that snaked up his neck.  He looked at us like we were a couple of morons.  (Dingdingding, you win a prize!)

I finally got him laughing when I opened the truck's door to get the trailer hitch and said, "Hey, it's like a lowrider now!"

It took about 20 minutes or an hour or something to get it out.  Tow Truck Guy wisely kept his truck on the paved driveway. He hooked the winch chain around the trailer hitch.  Jethro put my truck in reverse and gave it some juice.  They had to keep stopping to dig some dirt away from the wheels.  

After we had a few warm friendly laughs with Two Truck Guy, who had softened considerably by then, we headed over to the car wash to hose the clay off.  I don't wanna talk about it.  The truck is clean, the wheels did not pop off from being winched up and sideways, and everything I've eaten so far today has stayed down, so I'm just leaving everything as it is for the rest of the day.  

So what have we learned?

1) Move the truck off the grass before it rains.  

2) Mud ain't snow.  

3) Mud sucks.  Literally.

4) It's weird that a pill meant to protect the stomach and prevent nausea can make you feel like you might puke.

5) There is a difference, when discussing stuck trucks, between Girl-stuck and Man-stuck.

6) Men can't resist making a mess in the mud.  It's like a magnet.  

7) Tow truck drivers get to deal with all kinds of morons.

8) If you insist on goin' mudding, go somewhere with more room than a 120ft lot.

9) and use a 4x4, not a straight rear wheel drive.

10) I need a tractor.  Seriously.  It's not just a fun toy, it's a necessity.  

And now I leave you with possibly the best video ever made.  I highly recommend you watch it, because it will explain so much about my life.  Plus the song's hilarious.


I am so sure my Dad's old flatdeck Chev is in that video.


hayseed said...

You're absolutely right, mud sucks. And just to make you feel better-I was burning some old hay and practically started a huge wildfire, and you should have seen the smoke...My hubby couldn't shake his head too hard at me though, he tied our young horse to a tree, the horse got his foot caught in the rope and ended up with serious rope burn and a sore foot. Face it, we're all dorks. And I need a tractor too.

dilling said...

i got a dead battery on my only day off!!! how do i get to the beer store now?!?

Heidi the Hick said...

Man, we are all just damage all over the place, aren't we?

And no beer on top of it all!

coffeypot said...

Getting a stuck truck out of the mud is soooo easy. You wait until the rain stops and the ground dries up, then you drive out.

marsh to the fore said...

Hilarious! I loved the video. I just may send it on! Made me think of my fancy business-type husband with his fancy blue suit stuck in a field of mud about five years ago. He did the same thing--gunned it--oh man did he gun it. The next day he and I went down to that field, the farmer walked to that car, started the motor and just e a s e d that baby out. Boy did I laugh!

Heidi said...

I feel bad that I was laughing so hard through this whole post. I almost snorted water out my nose when you got to the part about whales having no armpits. :)

I can tell it wasn't funny while it was going on, but you are quite the story teller. Hopefully you laughed writing it.

Olly said...

...and I thought this crap only happened to me!

Heidi the Hick said...

Olly, you are not alone!

Heidi, like I said, y'gotta laugh. Even at the time, all frustrated, I was thinking how ridiculous the whole thing was. And this morning I said to the kids, "seriously, you loop a rope around the whale, all he has to do is stick his flippers up and that rope's gonna slide right off! What are you gonna do then?"

Marsh, you should tell the rest of that story... what was he doing out there in his nice suit??? I bet the farmer was laughing too!

Coffeypot, it hasn't stopped raining for more than three ours straight since Monday! I'd still be waiting. Then again, I suspect that clay soil would dry so hard I'd have to use a pick axe to get out of there. Gah, I can't win!

Where's Marcia's farmer when I need him?

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