www.flickr.com

Monday, February 04, 2008

Jealousies

I have them. Shameful envies that I'd like to pretend away. Sometimes I get tired of hiding them.

I walked the dog around my nice neighbourhood. I am lucky to live here. There's hardly any crime here, I love my neighbours, and people in general take care of their homes. It's good.

And even though I'm one of them, I'm jealous of all these suburbanites.

I'm jealous that they are content here. I'm jealous that they don't look out their windows at night and clench their teeth because they wish for fields and open skies instead of other houses. I assume. Maybe they are wishing for a view of the ocean, or a city skyline, or a golf course. I'm guessing most are content where they are and I wish I could be that.

I'm jealous of clean windows. I'm jealous of people who want to clean their windows. I wish I wanted to clean.

I'm jealous of nice curtains and wonder how much, really, it would cost and would it kill me.

I'm jealous of women whose husbands come home at 6 or 7pm every evening.

I'm jealous of people who have enough money to pay every bill on time.

I'm jealous of those who are organized enough to pay the bills on time and always get their taxes done.

I'm jealous of people who live on the same property as their horses. But at the same time, I am happy for them, and I need to know that it can be done, because there are times when I almost forget that years ago, I was one of those.

I am insanely, unhealthily jealous of Chad Kroeger because he has a recording studio in his barn, and I want that so bad.

I'm jealous of people who never question God and have unshakeable belief in Jesus, because after all these years, I still question everything. I value my questions- I truly believe that it makes me a better person, a better thinker, and yes, a better christian, but damn, it would be a lot quieter in my head without all the questions.

I'm jealous of all the musicians and producers that get to spend 14 hours in a room with my husband.

I'm jealous of people who always sing in tune.

And it occurs to me, as I stomp around the block at the end of the Pug's leash, that jealousy is so easy. It requires almost no thinking. It's all based on assumptions and on what we project onto everyone else, and it's based on covetous desires that we might not have even thought through completely.

Somebody could be jealous of me right now. Because I have the prettiest house on the street. It's true. I've been told. In a crowd of mid-century bungalows, ours stands out.

There may be women who are jealous that I don't have a regular job, that I've been a stay at home mother, and they would have no way of knowing about our overdue bills and constant struggle to get paid, or about that nasty little mental breakdown I worked so hard to cover up.

It would be easy to be jealous of me because my parents love horses too, and are willing to keep mine for me.

Or jealous of me because I have a man who loves me. And tells people that he loves me.

Or jealous that I have a man, regardless of how talented and awesome he is.

Maybe somebody is jealous because I have set foot on a red carpet and partied in the same building with rock stars.

I'll never know because we don't go up to each other and spill our envies. We shouldn't, either. But pretending I don't have any could eat me up and I am not willing to be eaten by anything other than my own imagination.

The nice thing about being brought suddenly and grindingly to your knees by depression is that eventually, no matter how painful, you have to let go of this garbage. All of this mental slime builds up and drowns everything else. You can avoid it for ages but sooner or later you face it. So there. It's all out there, for the world to see. I get jealous of what others have, of what I wish for.


So, I look this stuff in the squinty little eyes and tell it to go away. I have a day to get on with.

19 comments:

katy said...

I am jealous of lots too, I am jealous of people with a good figure, am jealous of people who own their own home, and I am so so jealous of your beautiful hair.
hope you get everything that you need to do done today.

Heidi the Hick said...

We've all got something, don't we, Katy?

The funniest thing is that it rarely occurs to us that we've got what someone else might want!

Biddie said...

I feel the same way, about most of the things that you do.
I am lucky enough to have 3 great kids, and a hubby, and my pup. I know people that wish for children, and husbands, and cute furry friends...
I am jealous of people that own their homes, and people that have 2 parents that love them..So much really.
This was a great post.
How was Jethro's birthday?

Heidi the Hick said...

Biddie, I'm tempted to be jealous of anybody who owns their own home too! After ten years in this house, we are right back to the beginning...right back to where we started with our mortgage. But that's petty. Our name is on this house, for better or for worse. I've got that much at least.

It can be so hard to look at the positives!!!!

Jethro's birthday was pretty okay. He didn't want a big deal. We went into the city to see a young singer and dropped off his parents at the OP-ER-AHHHHHH!

Other than that... he got beer for his birthday. And his favourite present that he never gets bored of.

cadbury_vw said...

well said

dilling said...

welllllllllllll....i simply wouldn't even know where to begin this list, let alone end it...so why start?

Heidi the Hick said...

Cadbury, I just had to say something today...

Dilling, I rattled this one around in my head for weeks. I'm still not sure if I should have posted it or not.

Heidi the Hick said...

People, the Juno nominations are being announced tomorrow morning. I've been assured that we are going, damn the money, nomination or not.

I'm still on pins and needles.

Also, I'm feeling queasy today, I'm going through my book AGAIN with a pencil, and I've been on the verge of tears all day.

It's just one of those...

Nicole said...

Oh Lord, Girl. We should've talked while I was living in Northern CA. What the "Haves" have there sometimes borders on obscene. I totally hear ya, and I also admire your willingness to just come right out with it.
:-)

Nicole said...

He got beer and...what?

A video game, maybe?

Hmmmm...something a guy never gets bored with....

*snort*

Tod said...

Another interesting post Heidi. We've all got jealousies tucked away inside.

I'm jealous of people that can make effortless, easygoing conversation with total strangers. And a lot more besides...

Jethro said...

I'll never cease to be amazed with how clearly and beautifully the words flow from you, warts and all. Who can write without pain? Maybe people who have little white doilies under every lamp and porcelain figurine.

Happy Birthday to me!

Well, I've had about as much corporately contrived children's music as I can stand for one day, so I'm getting the heck out of here.

xoxo (I'll call you from the car baby!)

LadyBronco said...

Well...

I'm jealous of women who have a smaller ass than I do, but it's all balanced out because my boobs makes other women green with envy.

Hehe.

BTW - editing, in any form, makes me cry. Every time.

dilling said...

Have you seen Kingfisher's blog? She says it's been a week of "on the verge of tears." Isn't it nice to know that we are never really totally alone? Sometimes that is all I have ever needed to keep on moving on.

Heidi the Hick said...

I'll go "see" her. It's true, it does help to know that we're not alone!!! It's also true that we never are truly alone. A little comfort for a verge of tears kind of week.

Lady B, your comment is killer!

And you know, I kind of like editing, but it has to be in very small doses. I can't go for an hour straight. I think I have to but I end up getting twitchy. I think the problem overall with editing is that I feel like it should be done and yet here I am picking through it AGAIN. Maybe this time I"ll get it right.

Jethro, thanks for understanding me. Just thanks. xoxoxoxo

Tod, we do all have those little jealousies. I don't think they're all that healthy but I also don't think we should deny that we have it.

I can only make effortless conversation with strangers if it's a music biz thing. Mostly because I just wait til everybody else is on their way to hammered. Just gets easier then.

Nicole, lucky for me he doesn't get bored easily.

It would be really difficult to live among that. This is a fairly comfortable area here, with no real bad part of town. There are quite a few million dollar estates around here though. I don't spend much time in that part of town nor do I envy them. They need a team just to maintain their houses. But I do find myself getting irritated that it all looks so easy for everybody else!

I still feel uneasy about this post. I'm all for honesty but it feels so icky to spill it like that!

Anita said...

'It's all based on assumptions and on what we project onto everyone else, and it's based on covetous desires that we might not have even thought through completely."
And there is the key... if we started assuming everyone had horrible marriages, alcoholic wives, and were always teetering on the verge of bankruptcy, our own lives would look oh so much better...

I, the homeless one, have harbored jealousy for the people here in Greensburg that have bright shiny new houses... and now that there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon that we, too, may be able to have a new home, I am jealous of people who have good credit, and those who have more faith than I do... it's always something...

Heidi the Hick said...

It's always something!!!

You just nailed it, Anita!

Lynn Sinclair said...

That was one hell of an eye-opening walk, wasn't it? Today I'll be jealous of everyone who isn't experiencing the snow storm that's happening outside my window. School will probably be cancelled so I'll be jealous of those mom's who work.

Another for the positive side--you have friends you can call anytime (ahem--I'm always available for a tea!).

FOUR DINNERS said...

I'm always jealous of anybody who gets pissed quicker than me. This seems to account for most everyone I know.