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Wednesday, August 08, 2007

An Open Letter to a Literary Agent

Dear Mr. Literary Agent,

You don't know this, but I have been planning to send you my query letter for about six months. In that time I have revised my book five more times and rewritten my query letter...about fifty times. I have been darn near tears, although that shouldn't make you feel bad because I'm near tears about 47% of the day. It's just that this really, really means a lot to me. That's why I haven't sent it yet.

You have mentioned that you're very efficient, and that when the email comes in, you read it, you make your decision, and you reply.

Even though I know that there are more reasons to say NO than to say YES, I am desperately --yes, desperately-- hoping that this one will be a YES. If it is, I have to be prepared to send you a perfect manuscript. If you say YES and I reply with, "Oh good, just give me another week to polish it up," then you will quickly change your mind and say NO because clearly, this would show that I'm unperfeshnul and clueless.

I want to be perfeshnul! I have at least one clue!

Dude, I am falling apart over here. I can't remember my last shower. I haven't seen my floor or my kitchen counter in two months. There's a shortage of clean undies in the house. The dog is learning to get his own kibble out of the bag. I haven't seen my kids in two days!

It's okay-- I didn't lose them in the mess, honest! They're camping out with friends! I miss them but I decided to take advantage of this time to hammer my book into shape once and for all so that WHEN you ask for it--because my query is so hot--see, I'm thinking positive--mine will be the query that makes you say, "Allow me to represent this novel!"

I am somewhat realistic, Mr. Literary Agent. I know that it might not be you who takes on this book. I would really like it to be you but I have little control over that. I also know that --gasp, choke-- this might not be the book that makes me a published author.

Grip edge of table. Must breathe.

Okay. Had a little bit of an episode there. I'm sorry you had to see that.

And I'm sorry if I seem a little desperate.

It's just that I have wanted to be a writer since I was a kid, and I'm not a kid anymore. I don't just want to see my name on book cover in a store. I want to do this for real. I want to be able to say to my children, "Please leave me in front of my computer for four hours and don't bug me, okay, because I'm working," and have it mean something because I'll get paid for it. I want to take be able to contribute to the family bank account. I don't want the mansion with the black iron gate. I don't want to be Stephen King. I want to be me. Me who writes books.

I want to be able to justify all those hours sitting and typing, and drawing lines through pages that didn't work, and scrawling notes in the margins, and typing all over again. I want my time to be valuable.

And I just want you to know that if you take me on, there's more. The well won't run dry. I'm full of it, I really am!

This will get posted on my blog and probably come back to bite me in the butt because it stinks of newbie stupidity. I'll take the chance, though, just in case you do read this and happen to think to yourself, "Here's somebody who put the work into it and really has her priorities straight."

I've wanted this for so long, and spent most of my adult life talking myself out of it. I'm done running now. I surrender. I'm a writer. It's time we all knew it.

Sorry to burden you with all this emotional turmoil but I have left it out of my query and I think you'll appreciate that.

Now here's a picture of The Best Pony In The World Ever, with a little girl who dreamed of horses and words and stories, who grew up to be a woman with a head full of horses and words and images and metaphors and emotions and stories.



Thank you for taking the time to consider my query,
Sincerely,

Heidi

the Hick

who never totally grew up

and lies awake at night talking to imaginary people.

(Please say yes.)

17 comments:

chocolatechic said...

I'd say yes. :)

Of course, I am gaga for horses, so that means your a shoe-in!

Heidi the Hick said...

I hope Mr L. A. likes horses! Geez! I hope liking sports isn't a requirement because if it is, he won't want to work with me! I like your name. My pony's name was Chocolate!

Biddie said...

You already ARE the you that writes books. AND, you WILL get paid. I know it. First Beetle, then you. It's going to happen.

captain corky said...

I would say yes too. Hang in there Heidi!

Heidi the Hick said...

Oh man, Bridget, you are my best favourite cheerleader in the world (not counting my husband who is also my hardest critic!) and I honestly don't know if I would have kept going a few years ago without you pushing me on.

Heidi the Hick said...

I am hanging, Captain!!!!!

Heidi the Hick said...

Screw this- I've got one sentence that isn't hanging together right but I gotta get out of the house. I'm going to the hardware store to cut a couple of shelves for my massive library clean up, which I promised myself I'd do AFTER I get this query done.

Also somebody appears to need dog food.

and undies. but not the same sombody.

Also I feel like I'll cry if I keep thinking about this book and this letter and all the what-ifs.

Later.

raine said...

I want you to get this letter written so he can say "bring it" and then I can go to Chapters and buy your book from the "New and Hot" section.

It's summer - just tell the kids to stay in their swimsuits and hose them down once a day. You can wash undies on Labour Day weekend.

dilling said...

That's a fine letter...use this one!!!

Michael Colvin said...

Go after your dream Heidi. :)

Heidi the Hick said...

Rain, I really do hope he says BRING IT! And I personally do believe that this book ends up in the HOT section!

...now I wonder if I can get Jethro to hold still long enough for me to hose him down so I don't have to wash his clothes...

Dilling, I would use this one but I'm afraid he might have a special file marked "Crazy People- Hard to Work With- Must Avoid" and I'm not crazy, well maybe just a little but not that kind, but I don't wanna take any chances!!!

Tod, thank you, I am going after my dream! A few at a time, actually.

Astaryth said...

LOL! I like -this- version of the letter. Hang in there, I just know that I will be adding your book to my shelf of 'Books that I know the person who wrote it!'

Maddy said...

Growing up is over-rated.
Best wishes

Heidi the Hick said...

astaryth- if only we could plead and get away with it!

I have to warn you though...there are no horses in this book. Not in this one, but if you can stick around til the next one...!

McEwen- yeah. it is. Thanks!

LadyBronco said...

You mean I'm not the only one who thinks this exact same thing?

*I feel faint*

BTW...if Mr. L.A. doesn't like horses, tell him to go jump in a lake!

Heidi the Hick said...

what what what??????

You mean there are people who don't like horses??????

(as for the letter...I think there are a lot of us who feel this way...)

Bernita said...

How could a L.A. not be entranced by this?