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Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Hick Chic BEST AND WORST OF 2006 Awards!

I'm doing it my way, featuring only the silly crap that matters to me in my small, overgrown, slightly dirty corner of the world...

BEST DRESSED (group)
The Raconteurs



BEST DRESSED (solo)
Johnny Depp


WORST MINOR INJURY IN ORDER TO PROVE THAT IT'S THE SAFE HORSES THAT WILL HURT YOU
Me, and my nasty little upper arm bite, which I acquired from being stupid enough to place myself between two mares who are battling each other for the position of "Second in Command of the Herd" and biting each other over the stall partition. (Photo taken 24 hrs after the incident.) I haven't been bitten in probably twenty years. Despite the war wound, the pony and I are still friends and I very much enjoyed doing chores over the weekend for my friend's horses.

BEST RENAMING OF AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
Me, again! For doing away with the hateful moniker of "wife beater" and hereby declaring the white tank top be called a HICK HUGGER! See?!?

BEST LINE SPOKEN BY A FICTIONAL PIRATE AFTER A SLIMY HANDSHAKE

"I feel sullied, and...unusual..."

WORST WASTE OF A SOUTHERN GIRL WHO SEEMS PERFECTLY NICE BUT DOESN'T SEEM ALL SO BRIGHT Nothing is going in the right direction in that photo. You know it's bad when you find yourself thinking that her rotten good for nothin husband was better than who she's hanging around with now. Girl, go home and feed your children.

BEST LOOKING BIOLOGICAL THIRD CHILD BORN TO GORGEOUS HUSBAND STEALER/ CHEAT COMBO
Sigh. Good looks are not the most important thing in the world. Repeat.
Y'know, they better stay together after all that work. Cute family, seriously.

BEST COMEBACK
My cat!
He's slapping the dog around again! He's been sleeping on my bed again! He's visibly bony and kinda creaky but he's still his coolcat self.

BEST HAIR
Andrew Stockdale of Aussie rock band Wolfmother.


WORST SELF ESTEEM BEATING
Ashlee Simpson's old nose.
I feel sorry for the old nose. It didn't do anything to deserve this kind of ostracization.
It's done. It ain't gonna grow back. Way to go kid, you look like a Barbie doll clone now. I don't even know you.

And... suddenly I stopped caring.

BEST ALBUM FROM 1971 MADE IN 2006 BY PEOPLE BORN IN THE 80s

Wolfmother.

MOST UNLIKELY ALBUM TO BE LOVED BY A HICK
AFI, Decemberunderground.I know. Stop teasing me about the Guyliner. Okay. I know.

WORST TREATMENT OF A HORSE UNDER THE GUISE OF HELPING HIM BUT REALLY ONLY PROLONGING HIS AGONY IN ORDER TO MAKE MONEY OFF OF HIM
Barbaro.

I feel so sorry for this horse. Think how much pain he's in. If he was any other backyard companion he'd be humanely put down. He's being kept alive for stud but he can barely put any weight on that leg. He does seem to be a brave guy though, and I hope he recovers and proves me wrong.

BEST SONG STUCK IN HEAD (non irritating)
"Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. What an incredibly catchy tune! That guy has a voice like...like...clouds...or like, candy...or his voice is like that feeling in your belly when you're so happy but you don't know why and all you know is that you wanna stay right where you are? Like, that's that guy's voice. Duzzat make me craaaayyzzzayyyy?????

THE "I'LL HAVE TO HOSE YOU DOWN FIRST, BUT OKAY" AWARD (fictional character)
Captain Jack Sparrow


BEST 3 WAY SWORDFIGHT SEQUENCE INVOLVING TWO HANDSOME BRITISH ACTORS AND ONE JOHNNY DEPP
ahhhhhhhhhh......what?

THE "IT COSTS SO MUCH TO ENTERTAIN US" AWARD
King Kong. I can't comprehend what this monstrosity cost to make and I'm ashamed to be a white North American who stupidly paid to see it. I'll never get that 3 1/2 hours of my life back.

THE "IT TAKES A HECK OF AN ACTOR TO DARN NEAR STEAL A MOVIE FROM JOHNNY DEPP" AWARD...especially when said actor's real face is obscured by a virtual squid face...
Bill Nighy as Davey Jones

BEST HUSBAND IN A REAL LIFE SITUATION COMEDY/BLOG
Mine.

MOST IMPROVED
Me.

It's my blog and I get to trumpet my triumphs as much as I want.

BEST BLOG

Mine, and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. We're all good.



Alright 2007. I AM READY FOR YOU.

28 comments:

CindyDianne said...

I agree with the catchy tune, the best blog and ... most everything else. Except the Pirates stuff, because I have yet to see Deadman's Chest. I know, I know. Horrible ain't it? Arhhhhgh!

dilling said...

johnny wins everything...pitt and jolie win nothing...honest, so sick of that. HICK HUGGERS ROCK cuz I hates the wife beaters and when you get some of those in a lengthier style(kinda punkish, right?) that don't show my midriff and rib tattoos, I will pounce on them...good riddance to 2006 and thank goodness it is another new year...with you...and all the best blogs on blogger....cheers.

dilling said...

Hey, did you get your print from Life?

Heidi the Hick said...

Cindy, it ain't really horrible...there are worse things! But do rent Dead Man's Chest. It's not a total waste of your 5 bucks!

Dilling- Johnny's not a homewrecker. He wins everything. (Yes, I got my surprise, and it's beautiful!) I'll have to look into the extra long Hick Huggers. I'll get back to you on that!

terry said...

excellent post.

and i love the way you describe the gnarls barkley dude's voice. that's perfect.

happy new year!

Life, or Something Like It said...

Ok. I knew that Johnny would be in there, but Carrot Top as best hair. I don't get it.....

Life, or Something Like It said...

I forgot. I loved King Kong. I did. That was the night that we were mistaken for skinheads and scared a family at the theatre...Good times. I just can't imagine anyone thinking of ME as a skinhead.......

Timmy said...

I love it! You rock!

cara winsor hehir said...

hurrah for your cat!!! slapping the dog around, so cute! scratch his ears for me.
and king kong. you expressed my thoughts exactly. the scene of kong and the missus sliding around on the ice... wtf, right!?!
oh yes, and i know one of those handsom british guys in the .. um, 3 way, er... fight was orlando bloom....

Heidi the Hick said...

Biddie- Carrot Top as best hair!!! I was wondering who'd be sharp enough to see that!!!!

I admit, there were a couple of things about King Kong that I liked. I like Jack Black no matter what which is one of my weaknesses. I liked how he was always finding a noble reason to finish his movie. I liked Adrian Brody okay. I liked the big ape.

I think I should have given Andy Serkis a special Good Sport Award...

Also I think Cannibals, between King Kong and Dead Man's Chest, had a very bad year.

And how the hell are you a skinhead? Huh? Wha? Did they attempt to feed you french fries too????

Cara- 3 Way swordfight, Whoooo! The other handsome british man is Jack Davenport, who was basically just generically handsome and smooth in the Curse of the Black Pearl. He has the most beautiful voice. He's just about up there with Alan Rickman. I'm tellin ya, those British men sure seem like exotic creatures to this little Canadian farm kid!

Marni said...

You make me smile! Thank you for your awards. Can't say I know the bands you mention, but I do agree with everything else.

Happy New Year!

JJ said...

I love how many winning categories you have for Johnny. hehehe *crush*

Also love the title/descript you gave for Brangelina. Hit the nail on the head there. hehehe

captain corky said...

I like how you incorporated a lot of yourself in your best of 2006 post. Good stuff! Happy New Year Heidi.

Heather said...

I'm not sure about the music - but Johnny Depp and that beautiful Brangelina baby girl - I have to hand it to you - we have a certan symbiosis - although however bad the present company - no woman should be sent back to FedEx - she should try mothering a bit though and put some knickers on!!

Nice blog
Heather

Tod said...

I have to agree with your Kong award. I watched it the first time the other night. What a drag...

her indoors said...

best news on your post your cat is slapping the dog happy new year

Angel said...

OI! Barbaro looks ghastly doesn't he!? I hadn't seen that picture yet. Poor sweetie.

ORION said...

Aloha Heidi
I followed you from Miss Snark. As an avid rider and former riding instructor I just had to respond. My riding got me a writing mentor and ultimately my agent who just sold my book.
Check out the archives in my blog!!!

The Adult in Question said...

I just don't know what to say right now but then again...I can't say much because I am typing in my Grade 10 Semi Formal dress.

The Adult in Question said...

oh i'm so glad u still have old blogger.

dragonfly183 said...

oh yes, lots of pictures of johnny depp. oh yeah baby. I could eat him alive, yesterday tody and tomorrow too. If given a choice between johnny depp and my husband. well. I love you honey, but its Johnny Depp after all. I'll be back when he gets sick of me and kicks me out.

LeRoy Dissing said...

Ouch! That horsebite must have really hurt!!! I have never had one of those but I understand they can bite very hard. I am surprised it didn't break the skin. Hope you are healing....

Heidi the Hick said...

Marni, I am so happy to make you smile!

JJ- guess what? I actually made up lots of awards just as an excuse to put up more Johnny/ Capt Jack pictures, cuz I'm all weirdly obsessed and stuff.

Thank you Captain Corky! It's my awards show, I figure nobody else is giving me any...!

Heather, yep. All true. Mothering and wearing knickers- I think that should be a top 10 2007 New Year's resolution.

Tod, I am tempted to watch the special features, being a bit of a movie geek that way.

Indoors, thank you. I'm so relieved that my cat has taken an upturn, and I hope it lasts!

Angel, I almost didn't post that picture because it's just too sad. He must be in pain. I really do hope he recovers!!

Orion...you'll be seeing more of me! Especially since you have horse pictures on your blog.

KC. Well. I might have to start typing in my bright purple Mother Of the Flower Girl at the Huge Italian Wedding For a Marriage That Only Lasted Three Months Dress from now on.

And yeah, about Old Blogger....I'm standing it out, man. I'll be on my front lawn barricaded in by rusty pickup trucks yelling, "NOOOOO! I ain't gonna change no waaaaayyyy!" Just to be stubborn.

Dragonfly, well said. That's all I got to say about that.

Leroy- yeah it hurt! I could hardly drive home from the barn that night. I was wearing a winter coat, or I think she would have broken the skin. I can move my arm totally now and the swelling is down but the bruise is very dark! I learned my lesson (again)...don't get in the way of a horse's teeth!

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

GOOD LORD!!!!

The last time I saw a bite like that on a woman's arm is when we were having fun in the hay loft!!

Rrrrowl.

Rebecca said...

This was very enjoyable...
Thanks for sharing....

Brittany grew up about 30 minutes north west of New Orleans...and you're right. She's not the brightest crayon in the box. Send her intelligence and in return she can send us her money...SOund like a plan???

Brian said...

AN awesome post. I have to wonder if AFI's album is worth the cash but the hair from the dude in Wolfmother is simply out of control... gives me hope if I were to grow my unruly locks out.

CindyDianne said...

"Where's Heidi?"


**waiting to say "There she is!**

Heidi the Hick said...

cindy- I headed out to the farm for a few days. Things have gotten otherworldly weird.... I wrote about it today. Later babe.